Free to Be

 

My pilgrimage remains largely unclear to me as of yet.  I feel that it’s my obligation to make a positive difference in the world, because I have the means to do so and because I have received a lot of help from others to get to where I am today.  However, I am not yet sure how I can most effectively leave my impression on the world.

I was once attracted to political activism, but I feel that activists are often too idealistic and just as biased as those they protest against.  I don’t think any issue is black and white, and I try to keep an open mind even when I’m tempted to make a quick judgment.  As Ram Dass says, “Reperception itself, we’ve found, has the power to transform situations” (159).  Looking at issues from different viewpoints can drastically change who we perceive as the bad guys.  In the end, I fall too much in the middle to feel passionately about any particular cause.  There are exceptions, but I still don’t feel that I can make much of a difference in the issues I feel strongly about.

            I started at UT as a social work major because I couldn’t imagine a more rewarding field of work than one where I would be completely devoted to helping others in difficulty.  I encountered social workers, foster homes and therapists at several points throughout my childhood, and some individuals made a much more positive impact on my life than others.  Going into college, I felt compelled to devote my life to helping children who face situations similar to those that I experienced as a child.  I know what a difference one person can make on someone’s life, and I feel obligated to give back after receiving so much.  But I soon became jaded with the prospect of spending four years basically learning how to help people, in order to become a case worker who makes a difference in very few lives, albeit a significant difference for those few. 

I think you can make just as much of an impact with no background in social work.  This is true for a man I respect very much, named Howard Terry.  He made it big in the oil industry and ended up a millionaire.  He then set up the Terry Foundation, which awards full four-year scholarships to selected UT, A&M, Texas State and U of H students who couldn’t otherwise afford a college education.  Over the years, he has personally put over a thousand Texas students through college.  This prompted me to think that it may be a better idea to make money doing something unrelated that I could excel in, and then use that money for philanthropy.  But I don’t have any expectations of becoming a millionaire, so I became even more discouraged about being able to personally make a difference in the world. 

I decided to focus on the things I enjoy, such as writing, and see where I end up.  I like Dass’ idea of not needing to identify exclusively with any one role.  “We don’t have to be ‘this’ or ‘that.’  We are free simply to be” (155).  I know that my sense of morality and drive to help people will come out no matter what role I take on as a profession.  When I see someone in need or come across an opportunity to make a difference, I’ll jump on it regardless of whether my training is in social work, or English, or psychology, or anything else.  And if I were to fulfill my ultimate dream of becoming a successful writer, I could start my own philanthropic organization.  But I realize that there are many more aspiring writers than there are successful ones, so I don’t count on ever reaching a point where I could rely on writing as a lucrative full-time profession. Therefore I consider English as my major on the side, my hobby and my therapy. 

My other major, psychology, is the one I’m more serious about in regards to future plans.  I am attracted to psychology for some of the same reasons that once drew me to social work.  With a career in psychology, I’ll have the opportunity to work for the benefit of others.  I may choose to be a counselor and help individuals, possibly in a non-profit setting. But I’m currently more inclined to pursue research, studying various aspects of psychology in an effort to expand our knowledge of the human mind and thus develop superior therapies, medications, etc., to improve the lives of others. 

This brings me to another aspect of psychology that enticed me to study it.  I felt like I would attain more knowledge as a psychology major than as a social work major, in terms of the science behind human behavior.  I’m fascinated by the brain and thenumerous physiological mechanisms and processes that control even the most basic functions.  The acquisition of knowledge is priceless to me; I am driven to fulfill my mind’s potential in the amount and quality of knowledge that it can obtain.  I believe that knowledge improves my own life and wellbeing in the way that Jesus articulated when he said, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”  Moreover, a knowledge and understanding of human nature is an invaluable asset to the pursuit of effectively helping people.  As Aristotle is quoted as saying in the Noble Hall of Words, “Let us first understand the facts and then we may seek thecause.”  I would add that once we see the cause we may then seek solutions. 

Perspective is an important factor in one’s ability to move with ease between various roles in life.  Our perspective makes a huge difference on how we interact with the world and how much we are able to achieve.  When I was in social work classes, they always emphasized that you have to take care of yourself before you’re capable of helping others.  An important part of this is coming to terms with your perception of yourself.  It’s extremely unproductive and even harmful to obsess about how you appear to others or to constantly compare yourself to those around you.  “As we lighten our attachment to self-image, we find a different vantage point from which to observe who we are” (155).  As an adolescent I was just as insecure as the next girl, and once I got over that I was able to observe and appreciate so much more of the world around me.  When you’re on a college campus, surrounded by people your own age, whose lives arerelatively similar to yours, it’s easy to forget that there are many people out there who have it so hard in comparison.  I feel it’s important to spend some time volunteering with the poor or the elderly or underprivileged children, because it puts things in perspective. You realize that it doesn’t make a bit of difference what kind of jeans you wear or whether you put makeup on or not.  I also like to keep in mind that no problem seems very big when you think about how insignificant it is within the course of your lifetime, and even more so in the course of the world around us.  I rarely find myself worrying about petty problems or superficial preoccupations when I think about the big scheme of things.  When we went to the Texas Memorial Museum, seeing the bones of a pterosaur reminded me of how insignificant I am in a larger context.  After all, this huge pterosaur was once flying around right here in Austin, long before humans entered the picture.  When I stop focusing on myself and let go of personal biases, it becomes a lot easier to view anything with an open mind.

            I think it would be beneficial to regard not onlymyself as having various roles and identities, but also others and even physical places like UT.  Two of my goals in this class are to expand my sense of place and to gain an appreciation of my university.  There are some aspects of UT that I dislike, but I might as well focus on the good parts.  This becomes possible when I stop thinking of UT as simply a group of buildings where I go to attend classes.  UT embodies 50,000 individual students as well as many amazing professors.  It’s a center for intellectual thought, groundbreaking research, and the intermingling of students coming from all over Texas and beyond.  It’s a place where people meet, generate ideas and pursue a variety ofendeavors.  Even the physical campus has a lot of character if you stop and look at it.  It holds over a hundred years of history, and some of the buildings have been standing since the beginning.  It almost gave me shivers to see the 1915 photo of Battle Hall, looking just as it does now, but standing alone among trees with a dirt road where North Mall is now.  I never thought about the fact that this library where I often study has been visited by students for a hundred years and appears relatively unchanged, inside and out.  It gives me a sense that I am a part of something large and meaningful. 

As in that instance, this course has, on several occasions, pushed me tomake closer observations of my surroundings.  For example, when we sat down and drew various features of the Littlefield home, I became aware of many details which I had never noticed, despite the fact that I had walked past it and even admired it dozens of times before.

            As I continue on my pilgrimage to seek truth in the world around me, I want to focus on experiencing new places and situations, to enhance my knowledge of the world and my sense of how I fit into it.  I notice that in the pictures of myself at Waller Creek and at the Zilker Botanical Gardens, I chose to sit on the man-made structures when observing nature.  Despite my love for nature and the outdoors, Igravitated to what looks familiar and comfortable.  But to really experience a place, you need to allow yourself to be immersed in it and move away from your comfort zone.  It may not have made a big difference in these particular examples, but in a broader context I should aim to withdraw from that which is comfortable and safe, and move instead toward new experiences.  I aspire to what the Greeks called theoria: “to experience a place as a whole through feeling, imagination, and memory, together with intellect and the senses,” (262).  After all, we’re only here for a short time; we might as well experience as much of the world as we can.

 

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