"Whether
I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be
held by anybody else, these pages must show."
Sometimes I get
insecure about the future.. Not sometimes, a
lot of times. This is probably because. This is probably
because I am’m a quitter. I
have taken every dance class, played every instrument, participated in every
sport under the sun searching for something to call my own, something to tell
me who I am, but to no avail. When people
ask who I am, I have a hard time telling them. I’d like to turn the question
around, “who do you think I am?”
in hopes of a response to aid in my self-discovery.
I often wonder if
I will ever finish what I start. School is hard, will I graduate? Being a Christian
is challenging; will I continue to fight the good fight? I don’t
want to dream big for fear of being let down, of disappointing myself and disappointing
those around me: I am afraid of who I want to
be but don’t think I can be. If
only I could find something solid, unchanging—worthwhile to invest myself
in. If I found such a thing, something in which to pour my heart and soul, to
love, live and die for, then I
would walk confidently. And yet…I have found what I have been searching for, what I long for, sometimes I just
forget to remember what this is. I forget what I have and who I am. I am God’s
daughter: I will live and die for God. I want to change my weakness, my lack of security, in
essence, my lack of faith, into my strength. Only when I
overcome this challenge will I be able to stand despite the
uncertainties of the world.
(My life seems as though it is built on shifting sands, ever changing.)
I
am not unfamiliar with changefulness and uncertainty; mMy
dad has been in the army since before I was born, so my life has been built on changetransition.
Because of his occupation I have been flitted from state to state, school to
school, friend to friend. For this reason, I had neither reason or desire to
root myself in anything, home or relationship alike, because I knew that only a
year or two later it would be that much harder to let go of what I so dearly
loved. To protect myself I
barricaded my heart. I had friends, but my relationships were shallow; fun but
unfulfilling. My parents were my sole confidantes: I was lonely. I had great
memories, but nothing to give me meaning. “I felt that unless I could see my
way to some better hope than this for human happiness …my dejection must continue.”[2]
Little did I know that hope was just around the
corner. But, thisMy solitude was
necessary for the transfiguration I would soon undergo. According to J. Hillis MillerIn order to
fully transform it was essential that I start with,, “man must start
with the inner experience of the isolated self.”[3]
In short, I was “alienated from God…,” “alienated
from… fellow men”; and alienated from myself: “The result is [was] a
radical sense of inner nothingness.”[4]
Only
when this emptiness was acknowledged coOnly when I acknowledge my
emptiness was I free tould I seek fulfillment; I must fall down before I could
be raised upneeded to fall before I could be raised up. When God’s love finally penetrated the
callous exterior of my heart, “my mind’s eyes were …now unsealed.”[5] I was what
God was and who he wanted me to be. My “soul…penetrated the mystery
of a vital order until even the smallest natural object become token of the
infinite.”[6]
On April 12, 2007 it will have been exactly six
years since I was baptized.
Six years ago I was plunged beneath the frigid waters of the
Atlantic Ocean moments after declaring Jesus Lord of my life, “borne aloft into
the azure of Eternity,”[7]
marking the beginning of my life as a Christian. I’ve never done anything in my
life for longer than six years, except, maybe, inhabit the earth. I haven’t
even lived in the same house for longer than two consecutive years. Can
I do it? Can I live the rest of my life always giving for God? I am afraid to
let God down. I don’t want to quit, but my fallibility scares me. I am scared frightened that
I will not live up to expectation, that I cannot be everything God wants me to be, I cannot fulfill the roles he has
assigned me.
Despite my fears, my
God is faithful. He has rescued, redeemed
and revived me. When everything around me is inconsistent, God is
stable.
My God is a stable rock that I can build my life
upon.
I can be secure in God: fFor
this I owe him my life. God has promised me, “hope, and a future.”[9]
His unfailing love has promised me a future, even if I cannot see it, He can. His confidence brings me
confidence. In myself fights, “a last
conflict with human weakness, in which I know I shall overcome, because I have
vowed that I will overcome.”[10]
So
often I attempt to assign human qualities to God’s divine being. Instead of
accepting his grace, I try to justify and understand why he does and why I am; I try to earn his grace, but the greater victory,
the “deeper wisdom” lies in accepting “Not Knowing.”[11]
I am human and I do not entirely understand the ways of God: He tells me that I
need only to be still and know that He is God. I need to let God be God. In turn, I need to be me, exactly how he made me—imperfections
and all!
I have a lot
of growing to do, but I have come a long way from where I was before I
was baptized: I am a different person than I was six years ago. God is
changing me and will continue to do so. Because of God’s will, I
refuse to let my relationships remain shallow. My parents are still two of
my closest friends, but now I have other close friends as well,
friends that I can share my great dreams and hopes with. Also, with God’s
help I realize that I no longer need to be afraid of
the future. While doubts about school and a career
threaten to seize control of my
thoughts, God’s promise to guide me sets my mind at peace.
So often I
attempt to assign human qualities to his divine being.
Instead of accepting his grace, I try to justify and understand why he does and why I am; I try to earn his grace, but the
greater victory, the “deeper wisdom” lies in accepting “Not Knowing.”[12] I am human
and I do not entirely understand the ways of God, but He does not
tell me that I need to understand. God only tells me that I need to be
still and know that He is God. I need to let God be God and I
will be me, exactly how he made me—imperfections and all!
In embracing God’s power I am able to move
about freely. God sent his son to die for me and therefore I
will die for him: “A missionary I resolved to be.”[13] It has been
my life-long dream to go to Africa on a
mission trip. I want to drop everything, sell all I own and go. I want to
give my life to sharing the hope that I have found in God. Someday this
will happen. For now, I am honing my skills and preparing my heart for such a
journey.
It is my dream
to travel to Africa.
As his ambassador God has commissioned
me to share his good news. Sometimes I am afraid of dying only because it looks
painful, but I am not afraid of death because I know that heaven awaits me. When I die,
peace will envelop my soul and I will rejoice. Ironically,
enough it
is not death that scares me, but embarrassment, this is the true test of my devotion. My conscious conscience and
my confidence war within my being. I like to be liked and I don’t want to look
weird. Sometimes I
feel like I do not want to stand out. I get afraid to be that girl, the one who always reads the Bible and won’t
stop talking about God-this or Jesus-that: I don’t want to be
different. B but,
strangely, I do want to be
different
because Christianity is exciting and invigorating. I have been
chosen,
I have been elected to change the world —what a
privileged, so change the world I shall!
Sometimes I am afraid to stand
out, but being different is beautiful..
I will die for God, but I will also speak for God, and live
for God. I will love when it hurts to love, I will speak when it hurts to
speak, and I will sacrifice when it hurts to sacrifice. When I find it hard to
share about Jesus, I need only remember the amazing gift He has given me. He
has made a sacrifice that I might truly live. When I really remember who God is, I cannot help but speak! I
cannot and will not quit on God because of
who He is and who I am in him.; I am so
amazed and grateful that God has given me
hope. He saw something in me that even I could not
see. He believes in me when I do not, He is faithful when I am not. Indeed, I
have many fears but God has given me the opportunity to banish those fears and
embrace His strength. Yes, I am a quitter, but I will not quit God: His
strength overcomes my weakness.
I ran the “Fun Fun Sober Run”
in March and I Finished! I want to end my life’s race following God all the
way.
Although I see myself as weak, God can stillwill
use me! I am willing to risk embarrassment for Him because he risked everything
for me.
Word count: 1, 204
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Discussion Board: 2, 706