Stand Outside Yourself and Write What You See

Self-observation is not a task foreign to me, but one that is very personal and not often shared. Most often I have observed myself in terms of feelings, moods and emotions. In terms of my learning style and creative process, the task of observing myself seems somewhat more difficult “because we’re in the habit of defining ourselves narrowly and defensively” (72). In my spiritual practices, I strive toward greater awareness, but this has been much more confined to my emotional self rather than my intellectual self. Like most people, “in our efforts to remain secure and protect the integrity of the separate self, we give greater weight to one aspect of our identity over another” (71).

When I step outside of myself and observe myself in the realm of academia, she often seems overwhelmed by a constant stream of distractions. While note-taking, noises outside often draw her attention away from the lecturer and when she is finally brought back to the classroom, she appears flustered trying to figure out how much she’s just missed, which in turn causes her to miss more. In her tendency to daydream, she often has a vacant, bored expression on her face. It’s not that she isn’t interested in the subject matter, but that the teacher has failed to captivate her attention. She seems to try very hard to stay focused, “to find tranquility even in the midst of trauma” (74), but it is clearly a difficult task.

The times when she appears the most attentive in class, are those when someone is speaking directly to her, such as in a group discussion. She often isn’t the first to volunteer to speak because she is very shy, but once she has thought out what she wants to say, she often has a lot to say. She sometimes appears timid and unsure of herself in front of others, but don’t be fooled, she is often very convicted and confidant in her writing, a form of expression that she has relied heavily on in the past to convey her most heart-felt emotions more clearly.

Though conducting class outside offers many more distractions than inside the classroom, she seems better focused outside. Nature has a soothing affect on her and helps her to focus better rather than worse. Other times when she appears more focused and attentive are when there is some sort of fun activity to participate in that is relevant to the topic at hand. She seemed to really enjoy climbing as high as she could in the “Tree of Life” and relating it to Darwin. This enhanced sense of external awareness is helping her to understand herself as well as the subject matter she is studying.

When sitting down to complete a writing assignment, she often thinks for a long period of time before beginning to write and never writes down what she brainstorms. Once she begins to write, she writes in bursts of inspiration, at times getting a whole page before stopping to ponder, and other times, only a few sentences. It seems that what she says and how she says it is very important and she is very meticulous in her choice of words. Because “there is a continuous stream of thoughts going on all the time” (75), she often jots down an idea to come back to later, lest she forget about it altogether, but cannot pause too long or she loses her train of thought. When this happens she often erases what she has written and starts over, hoping to recapture the thread she had been following.

Despite knowing that she requires a lot of time to fully think an idea through, she has an extreme tendency towards procrastination. Even if she reads the assignment ahead of time and starts thinking it over, she rarely gets started on the actual assignment until the night before it is due. This causes much undue stress and leads to late nights as her writing process is never short and sweet.

Her thinking is very influenced by her emotions, and anything that engages her emotionally or elicits an emotional response seems to hold her attention more so than things that do not have such effects on her. She has a tendency to take things very personally and criticism is not easy to deal with when it comes to her writing because more often than not she is writing from her heart.

Understanding my personality and seeing these characteristics in action through self-observation is a very useful tool in helping me to overcome my weaknesses. It is important for me to “merely acknowledge what is, without judgment” (77). Though there are goals that I set for myself that I haven’t paid as much attention to as others, such as procrastination, I believe that taking baby steps in the right direction is good progress toward achieving my goals. If I get hung up on what I have failed to do, rather than focusing on what I should do in the future, then I cannot achieve anything. Being determined and stubborn, I’m not likely to give up until I’ve mastered them all because I’m not willing to admit defeat.

Based upon the grades that we have received thus far, the class averages on assignments, the total scores of the top three students for the hammers, and the number of points remaining for the semester, I believe confidently that I will make an A in the course. Most of my scores have been above the class average. My total score is less than 10 points behind the leaders. With about 750 points still available and a current score of about 400, there are more than enough points for me to make an A, with some room for points lost.

As for the remainder of the semester, my biggest focus needs to be on starting assignments earlier to give me the time I need to complete them to my satisfaction. There is little hope that I will stop being a perfectionist in this lifetime, so the least I can do is cater to my own need to try towards being perfect by getting my procrastination under control. As to class activities or things Dr. Bump can do to help me along, going outside always seems to help, since that’s where I always long to be anyway. We do a lot of engaging activities that keep me interested and focused. I’m looking forward to the increased number of in-class field trips around campus that are coming up on the schedule. The idea of understanding sense of place in terms of the spirit of a place and the “ghosts” present there is very intriguing. I really appreciate that the subject matter of this class comes to life in a sense, and I get to actively participate in it. Hands on learning has always been the best way for me to learn.

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