P1 Revision Suggestions to My Peers

LACY, BRITTANY JAYNE

Naturally, it has become more of a gathering place for the girls to gather and gossip about young men.

This sentence is somewhat awkward because you call it a gathering place and then say they gather there. You might just say:

Naturally, it has become more of a gathering place for the girls to gossip about young men.

As far as expansion goes, I would be interested in hearing about the custom of courting more. When you talk about Ana being courted, you could elaborate on what sorts of things young men do when they are courting a girl.

KNOX, COURTNEY SUZANNE

I suppose you have about a million questions right now, so feel free to write me back and ask me anything, just give the letter to Alfred and he will personally deliver it to me.

This sentence would flow better as two sentences:

I suppose you have about a million questions right now, so feel free to write me back and ask me anything. Just give the letter to Alfred and he will personally deliver it to me.

I'm not sure how else to expnad your project other than what other people have mentioned; inlcude some samples of your own work and maybe a return letter from him.

ANTWEIL, BROOKS WILLIAM

Lorina Charlotte said that we would be flattered so we had to act like we were playing and try not to look at the camera while they took the picture.

This sentence is somewhat of a run-on. You should either break it into two sentences or separate them with a semi-colon:

Lorina Charlotte said that we would be flattered; so we had to act like we were playing and try not to look at the camera while they took the picture.

or

Lorina Charlotte said that we would be flattered. So we had to act like we were playing and try not to look at the camera while they took the picture.

In the May 25, 1861 entry, you could expand by telling part of a story that he made up during the tour of the cathedral. Or mention one of the more memorable characters and what would happen to them in the stories.

HOTZE, REBEKAH BOND

I am packing my hiking boots and geology vests because I am headed to Austin, TX, tomorrow to work for the summer.

The second comma after TX is not needed.

The paper has a rather abrupt end. Perhaps you could expand by engaging in a discussion about the dream and reflecting on the events.

SAMPATH, YASHODA

One thing I noticed was that you never introduce yourself to Oscar Wilde, but then later he calls you by name. You might expand, if only slightly, by adding in some formal introduction dialogue. It would be nice to have a better understanding of his personal history and background, which you could accomplish in the introduction by asking him questions about specific events or something.

What I desire take in the culture, and yours specifically.

I think that a few words are missing here, it sounds awkward.

What I desire is to take in the culture, and yours specifically.

WALLACE, THOMAS CULLEN

It would be helpful to break you're paper into multiple paragraphs. One long paragraph becomes hard to read and it would help to break up different ideas.

Everyone in the country knew that the Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, was going to run away with the election over poor Rutherford B. Hayes.

This sentence is missing a comma: Everyone in the country knew that the Democrat, Samuel J. Tilden, was going to run away with the election over poor Rutherford B. Hayes.

DAVIS, CLAIRE ANNA

Thankfully, Walter Gresham’s house did survive after only now being finished for merely two years.

This sentence is a bit repetitive and doesn't flow very well. It may sound better like this: Thankfully, Walter Gresham's house did survive, having only been finished for two years now.

I was really interested in the Littlefield entry to know more about how they lost their children. You might expnad by reflecting more on that incidence.