P2 Revision Suggestions from my Peers

HOTZE, REBEKAH BOND

Keturah,

I have a couple of minor suggestions!! You write: ¿To my surprise as I neared the tree¿¿ It is a minor detail, but after ¿surprise¿ you may want to put a comma, so ¿To my surprise, as I neared the tree,¿¿

Also, you say, ¿It¿s amazing,¿ I replied, somewhat confused and then it dawned on me who this man was. I would write it in two different sentences ¿¿,¿ I replied, somewhat confused. Then it dawned on me¿

But really your dialogue is great¿it¿s a very well written story!

PIRANI, RAHIM

Keturah,

I like how you extended your project 1. I was thinking about doing that but changed my mind. In the sentence, "I really liked your poem Dipsychus" I would add a comma, making it: "I really liked your work, Dipsychus."

Instead of.. ""Come on," I said, grabbing Matthew's hand and running across the field." You may want to think about changing it to ""Come on," I said, as I grabbed Matthew's hand, running across the field. This is just a thought, not necessary. I would also take out the many "about"s in ... "We spent the afternoon sitting under the tree, talking to no end about poetry, about life, about God. I even shared some of my poems with them."

The dialogue adds a good touch. My suggestion to you is to add more pictures in the red sections of the text.

ALLISON, SAMANTHA J

Hey Keturah

This is a lot of fun to read. Here are a couple of sentence level things:

"Perhaps it was I that maintained the grudge."

should be Perhaps it was I who maintained the grudge. That refers to objects, not people

"And I always wanted Matthew to appreciate my work, and it hurt me dearly that he felt I ¿was not an artist."

do you mean hurt me deeply? Usually you love someone dearly...

I really like the dialogue format. It would be really easy to turn a lot of this into a bot if you were so inclined.

DAVIS, CLAIRE ANNA

I could hardly wait to tell Matthew about my dream, but he had said he would meet me at 3 o¿clock, and I didn¿t know how to find him any sooner.

Hey Keturah-

I think this sentence would read a little bit better if it was:

I could hardly wait to tell Matthew about my dream. He said he would meet me at three o' clock, but I did not know how to find him any sooner.

Your project looks great!!

SAMPATH, YASHODA

"After a few moments he said, ¿I wondered when you came here today with Matthew if I might have the chance to meet you also." This sentence feels awkward to me. Maybe you should break it into two sentences.

MCDOWELL, LAUREN SCOTT

Hey Keturah, I like your project-it's fun to read!

I just thought you might change this sentence because it kind of tripped me up when I first read it: ¿Well our friendship was ¿the closest and most meaningful of [my] life, at the same time that it was the most uneasy, emotionally and intellectually.¿

I would say something like, While our friendship was 'the closest and most meaningful of [my] life...it was [also] the most uneasy, etc., etc. I know it's a direct quote, but I would either set it up differently or make it easier to understand because I thought it was a little awkward.

LARSON, JENNIFER MICHELLE

"Then let's go see him...tomorrow if you insist upon it, but we have to go."

Your project looks great! This is really the only sentence I found that interrupted my flow as a reader. Maybe have it read without the ... But I'm not sure if you had them there for a purpose that I am not aware of. Perhaps have it read:

"Then let's go see him tomorrow if you insist upon it, but we have to go."

GROENING, HOLLY LYN

¿The very same, but you can call me Clough. And you are?¿

¿My name is Keturah Mary Jacobs, but you can call me Keturah.¿ I tripped over these 2 lines because they seem redundant. Maybe you could have him say "The very same, but you may address me as Clough. And you are?" It might make the difference between him and you starker to have it said in a different way.

¿I really liked your poem Dipsychus. What inspired you to write it?¿ This seems a little forced, he goes from referencing his style of poetry to you randomly asking about a certain poem. Maybe you could say, "I never noticed that about your poetry..." or something refering to what he says before this line.

Other than those lines I thought it was pretty good. You might want to consider filling it out so that it is easier to follow, because the narrative is a little forced. I think you have a sufficient amount of quotes though, I would suggest beefing it up with more of your thoughts as you are talking to these men, and descriptions.

WANG, SUHWA

But not just in relation to love, I used poetry to work out all the things in my life that I was confused about or suspicious of.

I feel like the comma should be changed to a semi-colon.

Also, I agree w/Rahim to add more pictures to the second "red" block; perhaps a picture of an Oxfordian tree or lake after footnote 26?

MECHE, BARBARA A

"Don¿t you want to see him Matthew?"

Good job on this project! Anyway, I think you need a comma after "him" here: "Don't you want to see him, Matthew?"

"When I got there, he was no where to be found."

"No where" here can be one word, "nowhere."