P2 Revision Suggestions to my Peers

PIRANI, RAHIM

Hey Rahim-

Very informative essay. This sentence seems a little vague:

He grew up like most scholars: the normal way.

Perhaps you could expand on what you mean by that.

I would consider revising the following sentence because it is the second time you said the exact same thing:

Clayton¿s planning and design was simple and pragmatic.

Perhaps you could combine the idea you are trying to convey with the next two sentences. You said:

Clayton¿s planning and design was simple and pragmatic. Being simple is hard. It¿s difficult to stay simple because we tend to feel that everything has to be out of the ordinary.

You could say:

Maintaining simplicity in his architecture was difficult because we tend to feel that everything has to be out of the ordinary.

HOTZE, REBEKAH BOND

Hey Bekah-

I was rather confused by your opening sentence. I'm not sure if you are referencing your last paper, but on it's own the first sentence doesn't make sense to me.

After I had accepted all the crazy incidents that went on at the University of Texas the previous summer, I decided that I wanted to research Lewis Carroll.

Perhaps you could open with an explanation of what the crazy events were and then lead into that sentence. That would be one way to expand your paper a bit.

The wording of this sentence is a bit awkward:

The stories I remembered hearing about Carroll possibly being intimate with her, I assumed her to be around his age.

It would sound better if you said:

Because I remembered hearing stories about the possibility of Carroll's being intimate with her, I assumed her to be around his age.

Otherwise, great project!

ANTWEIL, BROOKS WILLIAM

Well, I didn't find any easter eggs, but I'll keep looking. Very entertaining, great accent Brooks! I really liked the who and where parts. Perhaps you could expand what and when with more links or more options. I really liked how his mouth moved when he was talking.

ALLISON, SAMANTHA J

I think that "love" in this sentence is supposed to be "loved."

My father was a professor of Italian at King's College in London, and love the Italian poet Dante, after whom I was named.

To expand this project you could talk more about another of his famous paintings Ecce Ancilla Domini, which is closely related to The Girlhood of Mary Virgin. When I typed it in, I was given a web address only. I'm giving a presentation on it tomorrow if you need any ideas.

Your bot is pretty cool!

LACY, BRITTANY JAYNE

Very informative and entertaining. I especially liked the part about Governor Ferguson and the scandal. The only way I can think to expand your project might be to mention other significant events that happened while he was here.

I found a few sentences with minor errors.

We were young together, the University and I: the University was only, ten years old; I was twenty-two.

There should not be a comma between only and ten.

Now, five years later, I am sitting at my desk remembering this particular commencement ceremony, and feel inclined to write about it as well as the many momentous events which I bore witness to during the past.

I think that you left out "I" between "and feel," otherwise there should not be a comma joining the two sentences because the second one is a fragment. It works either way.

I refused to show anyone give away clues as to the mystery of its appearance.

It seems like a word is missing in this sentence, perhaps "or" between anyone and give.

SMITH, JORDAN SHELBY

This sounds silly, but when I say "hello" the generic response is "what can I do for you sir?" but you can't assume everyone is a sir. So you might simply say "what can I do for you?"

When I asked, "who is alice liddell?" he tells me about Alice in Wonderland. Somehow he needs to recognize the difference.

He also doesn't have any response about Through the Looking Glass. You could expand by talking about that story as well.

WALLACE, THOMAS CULLEN

Who is the narrator of this story? You never introduce, though you mention who his father was later. Perhaps you could expand your paper by introducing who he is and telling a little more about him before he came to Texas.

It was early April when I arrived shackled together with my new co-workers, at the construction site of a house sitting on the northern edge of the University of Texas.

You don't need a comma between co-workers and at. Otherwise, great story! (by the way, the webspace link you put up isn't working)

DAVIS, CLAIRE ANNA

Right at the beginning, you briefly mention his former wife or his marriage about three times. I would be interested to know more about their relationship and why it ended so early.

I suppose it is obvious of my upbringing because many of my references, such as the lamps, are referring to the seven lamps John¿s sees in Revelation.

I think that "John's" should just be John.

LARSON, JENNIFER MICHELLE

I'm not sure if this was a typo or if you intended to say median. I think you either meant media or medium, but in any case, medium seems to make more sense to me.

I quickly agreed to this opportunity to remind students through the median of journalism of their forefathers.

I think you could expand by having Ashbel ask David some questions about himself. He seems to really take a liking to this student and he would probably want to know more about his plans or something.

I really liked your project.

WANG, SUHWA

Hey Audrey,

This was really entertaining. I found a few mistakes.

It was a small bump, altogether too unintentional clumsy for stealth or horror

Seems like there should be an "and" between unintentional and clumsy.

First, the surprise of the morning sunlight caused her to.

Caused her to what? I was a little confused.

You can expand your project by telling us how Lyra eventually finds her way back to her own time. You could also have her have a run-in with a male student and further illustrate the discrimination that occurred during that time.

MECHE, BARBARA A

How does Oscar automatically know you are from the future? Seems like there is something missing from your introduction to him. He doesn't seem at all surprised.

This sentence doesn't seem to be needed:

Not most of them, anyway.

I would consider taking it out. If the students are obviously not American, how can you tell? You could describe them and how they differ from Americans.

KNOX, COURTNEY SUZANNE

Everything I tried to ask him, he responds with "I don't understand that."

Okay, that was my bad. I figured out how to speak to him, however, I still can't really get him to tell me anything.

I typed in the seewords to get his word list, but it isn't very extensive, can you post your list of keywords so we can figure out what to say to him?

GROENING, HOLLY LYN

Right off the bat, the gargoyle tells me to ask him about medievalism. This was the exchange that occurred.

Kjacobs activates Gargoyle.

Gargoyle says, "Gee thanks for waking me up! I must have dozed off.."

Gargoyle [to Kjacobs]: The term gargoyle is applied more especially to medieval work. Ask me about medievalism

You say, "what is medievalism?"

Gargoyle [to Kjacobs]: Don't you know?

You say, "no"

Gargoyle [to Kjacobs]: Well, we will have to agree to disagree then.

You say, "medievalism"

Gargoyle says, ","

You say, "what is medievalism"

Gargoyle says, "medievalism? I'm not sure i understand.."

This was the basic conversation I got for everything I tried to ask him, even the things he told me to ask him about, no matter how i entered it. I looked up the keywords, but still could not get him to tell me anything.