Your story starts off kind of abruptly. A good way to
expand on it might be to expand on the beginning:
"We passed by a bunch of kids playing frisbee in the
lawn square between Battle Hall and the Tower." That's where you start. To
make it more interesting, you could add more description here of where you are
going and where you started from. Also, you have a lot of dialogue throughout
the whole story. I think you could beef that up with some description.
"Whether
or not I may or may not approve of what goes on inside these hallowed
halls" I think you can just leave it at "Whether or not I
approve..." the may/maynot made me stumble.
"What I desire take in the culture, and yours specifically."
I think that you simply forgot a word in this sentence.
Perhaps if it read: "What I desire is to take in the culture, and yours
specifically."
Just a
thought!
I am kind of ridiculous about combining sentences and I
thought these might sound better together.
Additionally, I am a student of political science.
This place is the hub of political activity in Texas.
Like this: Additionally, I am a student of political
science, and in Texas this place is the hub of political activity.
I can see
an expansion involving more monuments around Austin and the University, and
Wilde's reaction to them.
"I guess he should KNOW." There are also
several typos, which I'm sure you'll catch if you read back over it.
To expand, be more explicit about Oscar Wilde's
history. You get sad when viewing the protests because of what Oscar has
been through. What, exactly, has Oscar been through? Be specific,
and don't assume that your reader already knows.
This was a
lot of fun to read, and your language is young and informal for the college
students, but formal for Oscar. You can really tell the characters
apart. Just be sure that it doesn't get too informal, because grammar
starts to go
hey girl- this sentence is ok, it's just a little
comma-licious: Who knows, in twenty years down the line, I may become just
another part of it, and people will be blaming me for everything.
maybe bump
a few of those out and let her flow
I'm still kind of stuck on the first idea-- why are you in
bed with Oscar Wilde?? Hahaha. Expansion, please!
I thought this sentence shouldn't have the double ins-
"IÀm not interested in in-class tomfoolery anyways, I
had enough of that at Oxford."
"I'm
not interested in classroom tomfoolery anyways; I had enough of that at
Oxford."
One thing I noticed was that you never introduce yourself
to Oscar Wilde, but then later he calls you by name. You might expand, if only
slightly, by adding in some formal introduction dialogue. It would be nice to
have a better understanding of his personal history and background, which you
could accomplish in the introduction by asking him questions about specific
events or something.
What I desire take in the culture, and yours specifically.
I think that a few words are missing here, it sounds
awkward.
What I
desire is to take
in the culture, and yours specifically.
Yashoda,
I like your project. There arenÀt many pictures, but at
least the links work in the project. You also include dialogue in your paper,
which may end up making you totally confused later on, so be careful about
that. My suggestion: ÀAdditionally, I am a student of political science.
This place is the hub of political activity in Texas.À Àchange to ÀAdditionally,
I am a student of political science; this place is the hub of political
activity in Texas.À For more words, you may want to talk about the culture,
pride, and inner feelings between the relations. But of course, thatÀs up to
you.
-Rahim P.