Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your Final Draft

Focus (Overall quality: 4.3 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Review
Reviewer 1	Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for the intended reader and topic? I think your thesis is just about the changing of animal rights. Does the author explicitly state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of the paper? Kind of, maybe make it more explicit, like say how they changed in the first paragraph. Does the writer provide information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the focus? Yes Does the author cite literature relevant to the thesis? Yes, the Salt quotes add to the paper. Does the conclusion summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in relation to the objective of the paper? Yes, but the conclusion seems to have more information than the intro, so add to the intro and make it more like the conclusion.	There weren''''t very many ideas for improving the paper. The ideas that were given were vague and not very helpful.
Reviewer 2	You start of with "Animals were a hot commodity...during the Victorian Era." but they are still a "hot commodity." True people don''t ride horses, but we eat meat like crazy and wear fur and leather. "they didn’t always give them the respect they deserved" and "a blatant disregard for God’s intentions for creation" seems a bit odd because I don''t know how animals can "deserve" respect, they weren''t well cared for or appreciated, and I don''t see how "God" can have any "intentions" for creation or anyone. I don''t think animals were made to be abused or cherished, they just are and we as people make choices on how to treat or harm them. "One way this goal of contentment is deterred by humans is through castration or neutering and spaying of pets and other domesticated animals. This is a less common procedure in Europe, and was especially so during the Victorian era. Animals which are spayed or neutered not only cannot reproduce or fulfill all the means necessary to fuel contentment, but also may incur health problems related to their procedure. In this instance, our efforts to control overpopulation of animals greatly harm them emotionally as well as physically" Sterilizing animals is helping them...otherwise there would be an overabundance of homeless cats and dogs with no homes and no food and their quality of life as a species would diminish. I don''t think quantity equals quality. I know these are personal opinions of mine and yours, but I feel like by giving things intentions that they don''t really have slackens your argument. But I also agree with you that our treatment of animals is harsh and was harsh then. As you talk about in the end...about what the scientific experiments contributed to animal rights and what we learned from the Victorians I think it would do you well to include more of that in your paper. For instance, facts about how Darwinian thinking changed society, or new laws that came up, just more substance rather than opinion.	Since the comments were about difference of opinion, they weren''''t as helpful, but the points were good to consider and did help me in clarifying my ideas.
Reviewer 3	I gathered your thesis as, "During the course of the nineteenth century, however, these ideas began to change as a result of the founding of the RSPCA and commentary and analysis from men such as Henry Salt and Charles Darwin. I think your thesis could be twerked up a little because it did not seem strong enough by itself. Perhaps you could define what "these ideas" are in your thesis.	Since "twerked" is not a word, I''''m not sure what the commenter meant.
Reviewer 4	I thought this was the thesis statement, or, at the very least, this statement reflected the gist of the paper. “During the course of the nineteenth century, however, these ideas began to change as a result of the founding of the RSPCA and commentary and analysis from men such as Henry Salt and Charles Darwin.” I had some difficulty with the third and fourth paragraphs focus as I felt they tended to lose their purpose with so many quotes and statements from other sources. I felt that some of the authors own thought was lost in the thoughts of others. I loved the Poodle named van insertion and felt that it real hit on the focus of the paper. Moreover, I thought this paper open strongly and finished with a nice, sound, and focused conclusion. There are a few paragraphs in the middle that need to be restructured, but the entire paper is well focused.	The reader commented on things to be improved that were valid as well as gave points that were good. This was helpful because I knew what I was doing right besides just what could be worked on.
Reviewer 5	During the course of the nineteenth century, however, these ideas began to change as a result of the founding of the RSPCA and commentary and analysis from men such as Henry Salt and Charles Darwin. Salt and Darwin seem to be the thesis of your paper, but you don''t mention either of them until the third paragraph. The first part is more about Salt and Drummond, and does not even mention Darwin. What does the one sentence of Pakistan do to strengthen your paper?	The reader did make a good point about the thesis that has been taken into consideration and amended. The final question was also helpful in improving the conciseness of the paper.

Organization (Overall quality: 4.7 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Review
Reviewer 1	Is the organization of the paper clear through use of headings and subheadings? I would include subheadings, but the pictures are all relevant and I thought they added to the paper.Is a logical order of sequence maintained? Yes, but subheadings would really help the flow. Is the order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices and including introduction and conclusion? Pictures were good, the one with the Indian Brahmin didn’t show up, but I would be interested to see what it looked like. Do paragraphs deal with one subject? You did a good job on not straying from the topic sentences of each paragraph. Is the introduction inviting? No but it isn’t bad (I don’t want to sound insulting!) Is the conclusion satisfy-yes	This comment was only helpful because it told me that one of my pictures wasn''''t working. Other than that, it was just very brief, vague, one-word answers.
Reviewer 2	The argument is alright so the organization kind of goes from there. I think it would be good for you to relate the first sentence of every paragraph to what you are attempting to say in you thesis. And in your intro. talk about what you are going to use for your arguments.	This was somewhat helpful, though I think the point was already noted elsewhere
Reviewer 3	Yes, yes, yes to headings, order, pictures being in place. Traditional devices are used in the paper and each paragraph deals with one main subject at a time.	This comment just told me that I followed the criteria but offered no comments as to improvement.
Reviewer 4	Organizationally, I noticed the implementation of visual devices was not as good as it could be. Often times, the pictures were merely a brief representation of some factual piece of the paper. To make them more effective, find a pictorial summary of the emotions of the paper. Instead of inserting pictures that are just of people, places, and inert objects, find pictures that summarize the mood and set the tone. Again, the third and the fourth paragraph''s focus was hindered by poor organization. The entire structure of the paper was solid. You clearly put some thought into the written organization of the paper. Place some new visual images center around the emotional side of your argument and this paper will jump off the page.	This comment was helpful because it made a good point about the pictures as a whole that improved the organization a lot.
Reviewer 5	The idea of animal rights first began to take off in England in 1800 with the failed attempt at passing a bill that banned bull baiting. This sentence needs a source. Also, "take off" is too casual. Specific dates need sources. There is about one sentence in this entire paper about Darwin. If you mention him in your thesis, you should make sure all the paragraphs connect to your thesis. Your paper is very broad, the paragraphs have little connection, and I''m not quite sure what your thesis should be. Maybe it should be about certain philosophers/ideas of that time, but make sure your thesis connects every paragraph.	This comment was pretty helpful. It did point out one area that I needed to cite more clearly as well as a comment about the thesis that was valid.

Flow (Overall quality: 4.5 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Review
Reviewer 1	Is there a smooth flow within sentences and between paragraphs? The paragraph that starts “Christians hold” could use a transition before it. Is the writing style clear and direct? Yes Does the author avoid the passive voice? Yes Is every sentence important and to the point instead of using a lot of fluffy language that doesn’t add information? Yes, you avoided using clichés and fluffy language. Does the author use language that is clear to the audience? Yes mostly, but in the first paragraph you say, “the character prescribes..” and I think that sounds awkward.	This only offered one helpful comment and that was in word choice. This reviewer should probably work on writing complete sentences and giving valuable information.
Reviewer 2	"The Victorians’ ideas were influenced by the scientific expeditions done during that era as well as the connection between the respect of animals and respect of humans." This sentence sounds odd...you could say "the scientific expeditions, like Darwin''s Beagle, significantly influenced Victorian thought on the treatment of animals and humans." But other than that your writing is clear and concise. Your paper is easy to read and you writing style is well thought out and informative. Good luck!	This comment did help me improve a poorly-written sentence, but other than that it wasn''''t very helpful to me.
Reviewer 3	Writing style is clear. I felt that some of the sentences tend to feel like run-on sentences (but I reread them to find out that they were not actual run-on sentences... just at the verge of being one). 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: the word "though" should be "thought" I believe.	This only told me one thing to work on; I would have liked a few more ideas.
Reviewer 4	“The idea of animal rights first began to take off in England in 1800 with the failed attempt at passing a bill that banned bull baiting. This bill was scoffed at, and no one seemed to care much about the sensitivities of animals. In fact, as we can see in Jude the Obscure, it was considered “weak” to take pride in being kind to animals. Lori Lefkovitz emphasizes this in her book The Character of Beauty in the Victorian Novel: “Jude is not much of a man; he won’t tread on the earth worms, ‘could scarcely bear to see the trees cut down,’ and is pained by the perception that what was good for God’s birds was bad for God’s gardeners.’” By 1824, however, sentiments began to change.” The above quote is from the third paragraph. You set the sentence up with a legislative bill that banned bull baiting. I feel that word choices and argument direction affect the flow here. Is it pride that people begin to take in their animals, or, is it sympathy or compassion? Perhaps to improve the flow here you should change the lead sentence to express the changing animal rights scene instead of leading with a specific legislative example. “Salt quotes Humphry Primatt’s idea of the rights of animals as “Food, rest, and tender usage”, which is expressed many times in Black Beauty.” This is the lead into the fourth paragraph. It is a quote and a reference to another piece of literature. Moreover, you use the passive voice here and a couple of other times throughout the paragraph. Generally, starting a paragraph with a quote tends to hide the authors voice and gives the impression that this is purely a research paper. I want to hear your voice, and feel that you have lost it here in spots.	This comment was helpful because it not only pointed out things to improve but also gave ideas as to how to improve those things. Very useful in improving my sentences.
Reviewer 5	"hot commodity" is too casual. "prescribes" needs to be "describes" Before the nineteenth century, animal rights were hardly though of. "though of" needs to be "thought of" It wasn’t until the eighteenth century when children’s books were written for the first time that adults began to see a connection with care for animals in one’s youth and care for humans in later adulthood. This sentence is confusing. I had to read it several times to understand what you were trying to convey. forward into the future with animal rights and social change as wellas “progress” Well as needs to be fixed. Be sure to proofread. From what we have seen in Black Beauty "seen" is not the best verb choice.	This comment did help me to change a few words that were iffy. I think it was pretty useful in helping with word choice.