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Reviews on the
version 1 of your draft
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Focus (Overall quality: 4.0 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Reviewer
1
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You begin with saying you don''t know who you are,
but then you explain that you don''t drink, etc. There is no
apparent thesis, rather just an intro paragraph, thus the 3. You
explain who you are in the Alice metaphor, but only talk about it
in the second paragraph. What is is paragraph "Dumpster
Diving" about?
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Reviewer
2
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The purpose of this paper does not seem sharp
clear. The thesis does not contain the authorÕs objective, and I
cannot pinpoint what the author is comparing his/her college
experience to. Quotes from literature are included in relevance
to the thesis. The conclusion had good insight, but did not
effectively intertwine the findings from the literature into the
final point of the essay.
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Reviewer
3
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First
of all, I enjoyed the author humorous style. It was a funny
little ramble through the UT experience. In the sense of humor
and tone of the essay, the focus did not start and was
consistently playful throughout.
I felt like this was the thesis statement:Ó What I enjoy about
college is this: freedom to run my own schedule (because I manage
time better when it is entirely up to me), spending time
exploring interesting buildings without holding anyone up, going
to events with free food, and finding awesome things that people
throw in the trash. ÒHowever, I struggled to find a solid thesis.
Moreover, I felt that since I could not find a solid thesis, that
the essay tended to lose focus throughout. There was not a solid
summary of the paper and overall each paragraph spoke of a
different topic.
The author did pick a broad theme in which a strong contrast to
Victorian times and today''s college experience was outlined. I
felt it was a smart approach that would greatly benefit from
improved focus. Nail down a thesis and then expand the focus of
the essay from there.
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Reviewer
4
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There isn''t a strong thesis statement. The first
paragraph gives a purpose to the paper, but seems to contradict
itself. I don''t know whether the paper is about using college as
a place to discover one''s self or a place to "stay tucked
away until I''m different, or sometimes ''somebody else.''"
Also, that sentence doesn''t make much sense to me. You act like somebody
else until you''ve found yourself?
Even though the organization and flow was poor, there was some
type of focus with all the episodic paragraphs. It was all about
yourself. You compared yourself to Alice, Jude, and Victorian
stereotypes.
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Organization (Overall quality: 3.8 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Reviewer 1
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Some of the graphics were visible, and the ones that
were I liked--they were effective. With the subheadings, you say
"social elevator 1," "Scholar 1" etc., but
there is no 2 of that section, which is what I expected. The
paper seems to praise what you consider "nerds" but
that is not mentioned besides the intro and conclusion. The
conclusion is witty, but not concrete withe the lack of thesis.
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Reviewer 2
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Author included subheadings to his/her pictures and
writing. Some of the writing headings had Ò1Ó after it (e.g.
ÒSocial Elevator 1Ó). The 3rd paragraphÕs indention was a bit off
and too much to the right. One of the pictures intended to show
up (placed in the beginning) did not show up and had a box with
an X on it. Other than that, all the other pictures did show up.
They were discussed in the essay. Some even provide a bit of
comic relief. The author provides an introduction and conclusion
with each paragraph dealing with one subject at a time. Introduction
was okay, but I feel that it could have been more inviting. The
conclusion ended in a stronger voice from the beginning. The
footnotes were linked, but when I clicked on them, I was led to
BloggerÕs Sign In page.
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Reviewer 3
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The
organization was better than the focus in a sense that much of
the essay was an exploration of Victorian versus modern college.
I though that the essay had some good points that were
intriguing. Specifically, I liked the direction the paper took in
comparing women of the Victorian era with women of today.
Moreover, I felt that outlining the advantages a modern student
has with tutoring were solid.
However, I felt that paragraphs did not lead in any specif order.
It was difficult to gauge the entire purpose of the paper. As a
result, the organization suffered. The first paragraph opens with
a brief comparison of Alice then jumps into a confusing second
paragraph that has a loosely worded thesis. The organization then
seems to come back together as the author follows a Victorian
versus modern university approach. The essay then ends with a
strong statement comparing the two eras.
Organization would be much improved by setting up this comparison
in the first few paragraphs.
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Reviewer 4
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The first body paragraph is about Alice''s metaphor
of college life.
The second paragraph is about the reality of college
life--expectations and reality. It also includes the author''s
interpretation of college.
The third paragraph is the difference between Victorian and
contemporary college experiences. Social ladder vs. social ...
social what? You explain that college IS all about being social
in the Victorian era. You explain that people in college today
act a certain way in order to lose their labels. Isn''t this what
college was about in Victorian times? It was about being
perceived a certain way.
You jump to the idea of finding happiness in others and the self.
The next paragraph goes into ideas of competition in colleges.
Motivation for knowledge. You contradict yourself when saying earlier
that college is a social ladder and now saying knowledge was for
self gain.
The next paragraph you discuss resources. Earlier you discussed
Alice, now you''re discussing Jude. You''ve made no connection
between the two books.
There were no transitions between the sections. I saw no attempt
at connecting ideas throughout the paper.
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Flow (Overall quality: 4.0 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Reviewer
1
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The quotes from Newman and Jude are effective, but
sometimes you have naked quotes that lack explanation and end
paragraphs (7). The flow of the paper is good and at times I
found myself laughing because it seemed very conversational. The
language is clear and effective. The flow is your strongest
section of the paper.
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Reviewer
2
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There is great flow within each sentence and
paragraph. Writing is clear and direct, but seems to contain some
passive voice. The author uses the parenthesis too many times and
can do without them. The author missed some punctuation, which is
shown through his/her need of commas.
Augustine Marcus: But sometimes, I donÕt want to tell people who
I am[,] but instead[,] stay tucked away until IÕm different, or
sometimes Òsomebody else[.]Ó.
The author had one run-on sentence:
Augustine Marcus: Sometimes this is good for the person, and their
social skills increase, which allows them to be stronger people
in the real world when they graduate, but sometimes this just
pushes that person deeper into their vices until they are living
on the street and begging for money, not living the life of prestige
and wealth they could have gained by not partying all through
school.
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Reviewer
3
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The
author choose a humorous style that I enjoyed so I will give a
little leeway in this area. Overall, the author has some good
diction throughout. Specifically, the flow of the authors
personal struggles in college with lifestyle and parents was very
nice.
There were some issues with run on sentences and general sentence
structure.
"We were raised to believe that we are entitled to a college
education, but Jude dared to dream that it was possible and
fought for it, yet failed miserably."
"But I would argue that Jude started out as the nerd who
wanted to be happy with an education and books, but got
distracted by the Òlusts of the fleshÓ, ÒIn short, as if materially,
a compelling arm of extraordinary muscular power seized hold of
himÉThisÉmoved him along, as a violent schoolmaster a schoolboy
he has seized by the collar, in a direction which tended towards
the embrace of a woman for who he had no respect and whose life
had nothing in common with his own except localityÓ."
"Sometimes this is good for the person, and their social
skills increase, which allows them to be stronger people in the
real world when they graduate, but sometimes this just pushes
that person deeper into their vices until they are living on the
street and begging for money, not living the life of prestige and
wealth they could have gained by not partying all through school.
"
The above quotes represent great ideas that need to be reorganized.
I see what the author is trying to do, and I like it, but I had
to reread each paragraph due to sentence structure.
One of the things holding up the flow is the author not embedding
quotes. They just hang there in spots:
"We decided in class that it was the goal of all Victorians
(at least in Jude) to use other people to make them happy. But I
would argue that Jude started out as the nerd who wanted to be
happy with an education and books, but got distracted by the
Òlusts of the fleshÓ, ÒIn short, as if materially, a compelling
arm of extraordinary muscular power seized hold of himÉThisÉmoved
him along, as a violent schoolmaster a schoolboy he has seized by
the collar, in a direction which tended towards the embrace of a
woman for who he had no respect and whose life had nothing in
common with his own except localityÓ.
The quote above needs to be set up and integrated into the
sentence.
Finally, I noticed several sentences beginning with "but,
...." I found this to stifle the flow.
Try to switch up sentence structure to improve the flow. For
example, instead of typing: "But, ..." thrown it around
a little bit. Try this: Jude, however, stated."
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Reviewer
4
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I had a problem with the paper because it was
written with casual language. I understand that students are the
audience of the papers, but the language was too casual for me.
It was almost as if the paper was not proof read. There were
run-on sentences, missing articles, and poorly used commas.
The word choice is also very strange. It''s not verbose, it''s
awkward. "Some of us just need to stop and smell the
bookbinding glue and be thankful that is such." What exactly
does this mean? ''That is such'' is a poor choice of words.
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