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| Project 1: Gunslinger |
| Dimension |
Your comments |
Reviewees' Feedback |
| Focus |
Poor (3)
Thesis: It is in this strange and contradictory dichotomy of the concept of the university that we now rest, viewing it as both a place open to us, and out of our reach, and from the conflict of these two views arises that same fear in us today as rested in Jude''s heart during his childhood.
- Your thesis does not seem to be in the beginning of the paper because your introduction is quite long.
- Although your introduction gives a lot of background and detail to the concept of the university, it is very drawn out. Instead, try injecting some of this material into your body paragraphs, especially since some of them are shorter than your introduction.
- Your first 2 body paragraphs provide relevant information to the topic, and the main points clearly support the thesis, but your message gets lost in the last body paragraph.
- Your last paragraph does not answer or support your thesis in regards to the "contradicting concepts" of the university. Try relating what you write about a liberal arts education to the thesis.
- This biggest problem is that your paper does not have a conclusion!! |
6
Concise and usefull review of some of the problems inherent in the focus of my first draft. |
| Organization |
Average (4)
- Organization of the visual and verbal rhetoric are clear.
- Pictures are fully integrated and discussed in the text. There seems to be no need for any helpful captions because both the visuals and the text connect very well.
- Your photos are essential to the essay. For example, you describe the UT seal in your paper and provide a photo for the reader so they can understand what you mean.
- Although, I think your visual and verbal organization are very cohesive and done well, you need to reorganize your introduction a bit and include a conclusion which you do not have.
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5
Concise and usefull review of some of the problems inherent in the organization of my first draft. |
| Flow |
very good (6)
- Your writing style is clear and direct to the audience.
- There is avoidance of the passive voice.
- There is no excessive use of fluffy language.
- Your transition words that you use are helpful and the use of commas allows for emphasis that is needed to indicate a new paragraph. For example, "In fact," "In contrast to the major difference," and etc.
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5
Concise and usefull review of some of the problems inherent in the flow of my first draft. |
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