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| Project 2: Jane Austen |
| Dimension |
Your comments |
Reviewees' Feedback |
| Focus |
Very poor (2)
Thesis: By considering aspects of Mill''s life, it’s not hard to draw a line that connects Mill to India.
- Try making your introduction a bit longer by adding information that is more relevant to your thesis.
- From the very beginning of your first body paragraph, you give a lot of relevant detail and information, but you need to emphasize your main point more (Remember you are trying to connect Mill to India).
- Your second body paragraph goes into more depth with Utilitarianism, but does not answer questions about how India influenced Mill. Instead, you ask the reader questions, ". Obviously, there is a connection. But how does it apply? And how does Utilitarianism fit in here? How about India?" This is a little bit awkward because you are suppose to answer these questions in your essay which you do not. Provide more relevant info instead of just information about Utilitarianism. How does India fit in Mill''s theory on Utilitarianism?
- You do not start talking about the influence of India on Mills until the 3rd body paragraph. Remember to keep focus throughout your whole paper. The other paragraphs must have relevant main points too!
- Your conclusion does not summarize your paper very well. Your conclusion focuses more on animals, which is only a small part of your paper. Try to unite your thoughts for better focus. |
Not done. |
| Organization |
Very poor (2)
- There is somewhat of a logical order of sequence that is maintained throughout your paper.
- The only problem is that you would write small paragraphs that basically asked the reader questions, which you should be answering and writing within your own paper.
- For example, "Where was Buddhism founded? If you answered India then you are right. So now where do the schematics of Mill and India belong? If you answered Buddhism then you are correct. One might ask the meaning of this." It does not make sense to write a little paragraph that asks and then answers your own questions as such.
- Also many of your paragraphs deal with more than one subject. An example is your second body paragraph, your main point is Utilitarianism, but you only talk about animal rights.
- Also try to add more transitional devices after you start a new paragraph for better organization.
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Not done. |
| Flow |
Very poor (2)
- Your paper is a bit wordy and your word choice is a bit awkward. Try being more clear and direct to better the flow.
- For example, "This essay will explore John Stuart Mill, his connection with India, and an underlying crossroad that may some provide better understanding into Buddhism and its contributions to animal liberties." Eliminate "some" and change "into" to "to".
- "On Liberty isn’t the only obvious parallel to animal liberties. There are other less obvious ties." Try not to use obvious too much. That just adds to the fluff of the paper.
- "Another facet is the fact that his father was a historian who was passionate about history and India." You are being repetitive. There is no need to state, "...the fact..." since you already state, "Another facet is..."
- "From there, it’s no more difficult to linearly connect Mill to Buddhism." This sentence is completely awkward. Try "From there, it''s not difficult to linearly..."
- "In Utilitarianism by John Stuart Mill he writes", can be changed to, "In Ultiliarianism, John Stuart Mill writes,..."
- You have captions but your pictures don''t work. Remember whenever you are using webspace to have upload a folder with your pictures as well. Bump has the instructions on our class website.
- Overall, I think you have a lot of editing to do. You have a lot of grammar mistakes that can be fixed. The flow of your paper is hindered by your word choice, which makes your paper very hard to read. Try re-reading and editing to better your flow. Also, fix your pictures. |
Not done |
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