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| Project 1: Miss Haversham |
| Dimension |
Your comments |
Reviewees' Feedback |
| Focus |
Average (4)
Thesis: Passion breaths purpose and births hope and with that, an indescribable drive.
- Your thesis is in the introduction.
- Your main point in the 1st body paragraph supports the thesis very well. The information you provide to support your main points may need to be reworked. For example, in your first body paragraph you state, "Passion is the galvanizing factor pushing us to think and do versus simply thinking or simply doing." You do give a lot of detail pertaining to what your own passions are and mention how they affect what you do, but to better your paper, put more emphasis and expand on these passions and how they push you to think and to do. (Ex: You say you like the NBA, but how is the NBA a "galvanizing factor" in your life?)
- After the 1st body paragraph, the focus is lost because you seem to branch out into different tangents.
- You have a paragraph about the suppression of Victorian women and a boy named Charlie but you do not relate what you write about these people to your thesis. (Ex: You give a lot of information about Charlie but you need to emphasize and answer the thesis: How does Charlie breath purpose and hope into your own life?)
- Although you begin to regroup yourself in the paragraph about Josephine Butler, your main point of this paragraph gets lost in between all of these details. Your details and information are relevant, but remember to use them to support your main point. For example, your main point seems to be, "Butler was one of the few strong enough and passionate enough to undo these outdated and unwarranted practices." Remember to use the details and information you have to support this main point.
- The introduction is fine, but the conclusion may need to better summarize your work and your thesis. |
6
pretty helpful… seems to get the thesis right and gives good feedback. Changed focus with their suggestions. |
| Organization |
Poor (3)
- The logical order of sequence was not maintained. Your first body paragraph was great, but the following ones do not relate to the thesis.
- When you did regroup your thoughts, it took me awhile to realize what your main point in those paragraphs were and how they related to the thesis.
- To better your essay, try sustaining the same order as you did in the 1st body paragraph.
- The organization of the visual and verbal rhetoric is clear.
- The pictures are integrated into the text but they are not discussed or referred to.
- You did not provide helpful captions so at times the reader may have to guess how the photo relates to your text.
- The pictures do not seem essential to this paper, so try adding captions for more cohesiveness. |
6
Discussed pictures more… and made them more relevant. Re-did order completely, thanks. |
| Flow |
Average (4)
- Your writing style is clear and direct to the audience.
- Your avoid the passive voice.
- There is no excessive fluffy language.
- You might want to improve your transitions between paragraphs, you seem to change subjects abruptly at times.
- In this case, punctuation does not seem to affect the flow of the paper. You might want to reword a few of your sentences for easier flow when reading. For example, Change "Passion breaths purpose and births hope." to "Passion breaths purpose and gives birth to hope." and "Even so, I have troubled pinpointing specific passions." to "... I have troubles pinpointing..." |
5
good suggestions… although I think my paper did have a little fluff.. |
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