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| Project 2: Miss Haversham |
| Dimension |
Your comments |
Reviewees' Feedback |
| Focus |
Very poor (2)
Thesis: My passion, among many, is serving others, as the 1860’s revolutionary, Josephine Butler, aided innumerable powerless women in her lifetime.
- Your thesis is at the beginning and easy to find.
- In your first body paragraph you give a lot of relevant detail about Butler, but you do not include how your passions are similar to hers until the last 3 sentences at the end. Remember to emphasize your main point, which seems to be, "In some ways, I am similar to Butler." For example, you state that she was blessed with learning in a forward-thinking environment. How does this relate to you? What classes have you taken that make you passionate?
- The information that you provide in your middle paragraphs is not relevant to the thesis. You write about female suppression during the Victorian Era. How does this relate to how your passions are similar to Butler''s? You also write about Butler''s campaign against the contagious disease act, but remember to relate it your thesis better. I see that your main point is, "The first time Butler combined her passion with her logic was in her campaigns against the Contagious Diseases Acts of 1864, 1866, and 1869.", but how is that relevant to the similarities of passions between you and Butler?
- You had some sort of focus at the beginning of your paper, but I felt after the middle you started to only focus on Butler''s achievements.
- In one of your last paragraphs, it is awkward that you write about what you discussed in 8th grade about a black president. This information is irrelevant. It seems like you are only talking about the current news.
- I''m not sure if your conclusion summarizes findings from literature or provides insight to that you have written.
- Overall, I feel as if "there was a vague thesis about a topic and some evidence of the topic." but I gave you a 2 because the topic for project 2 is, "Victorian response to animals and/or to India.", and you only mention it in the last few paragraphs. You did a better job in these paragraphs, but you need to better your focus to concentrate on this topic and make it the center of your paper. (Ex: Your thesis should talk about India or animals).
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Not done. |
| Organization |
Poor (3)
- Initially you maintained a strong logical order. But I felt as the paper progressed, this order was not sustained. Especially when you started to write about India, then you suddenly started a new topic about your liberal education, which you try to support with awkward examples, like the presidential debate and your own personal experience driving down the high way.
- Due to this reason, I felt you wrote about more than one topic at times.
- Remember to emphasize your main points which should support the thesis. Under these main points provide relevant detail and information that supports this main point
- Your conclusion is not satisfying because it doesn''t answer the thesis or summarize how your passions and Butler''s passions are similar. |
Not done. |
| Flow |
Average (4)
- Your pictures were relevant and discussed in the text. Good job.
- Whenever you cite your material you do not put parenthesis around the numbers. This makes it very confusing at times and hinders the flow of the paper. Bump might count off, so be careful! Ex: “the period left her alienated from established religion, but with a firm individual faith.”[1] If you use the footnotes on word it does it for you.
- You discuss the picture of the heart and head in your text, but maybe add some captions to better clarify.
- Try using more transitional words between paragraphs for a better flow.
- Your writing is easy to understand, not that much fluff. |
Not done. |
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