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| Project 2: Postal Service |
| Dimension |
Your comments |
Reviewees' Feedback |
| Focus |
Poor (3)
Thesis: Throughout the novel, Thomas Hardy effectively comments on several issues facing Victorian society—the unequal distribution of wealth, the oppression of the class system, the power of religion and the harsh treatment of animals.
- Your thesis is in the introduction. It is clear and easy to distinguish.
- You provide a lot of relevant detail and information that are important to the topic of your paper.
- Your focus is initially relatively strong but you start to lose focus in the middle.
- You lose focus in your 3rd body paragraph where you talk about people migrating to cities. Your main point is unequal distribution of wealth, but your supporting details really don''t support why people are moving to the city. Why does Jude move to the city? What class doesn''t care about Jude''s ambitions? Why are his dreams absurd? You need to answer these questions in relation to inequality to better the focus.
- Your 1st paragraph about religion needs a lot of editing. Your thesis mentions the power of religion, therefore your main point should be how Jude turns to religion. But you totally confuse me whenever you state, "Hardy takes a controversial stance and ultimately implies that religion is a flawed and useless convention." That seems to be irrelevant info. Then, your initial supporting details talk about Hardy''s vast knowledge of the bible and the various metaphors that he uses. If you chose to keep these metaphors in this paragraph, remember to answer the questions, how are they powerful and how do they affect these characters? You finally regain your focus with your last supporting detail about how religion affects Jude, but remember to keep focus throughout.
- I am worried about your paper because the topic for project 2 is, "This essay must focus on the Victorian response to animals and/or to India." You do not address this until the last few paragraphs and this topic wasn''t your sole focus.
- Your paper has a "consistent arrangement of content," but I gave you a 3 because you may need to rewrite you paper to be more relevant to the Victorian response to animals/or to India.
- Your conclusion is short and seems rushed. You don''t summarize all of your points very well, so try to do that better. |
7
Great attention was payed to detail and this helped me clean up and reorganize my paper. Thanks for the specific comments about where I could make improvements |
| Organization |
Good (5)
- For the most part there is a logical order of sequence maintain throughout your paper.
- I could understand the order and development of your paper very well.
- There are a few problems that can be fixed.
- The 4th body paragraph needs to be reworked into your paper. Your main point of wealth concentrated among the upper class is similar to your first body paragraph about the unequal distribution of wealth. Try to combine these paragraphs. I feel as if you are stating the same point with different supporting details.
- You also need to reorganize the 2nd paragraph about religion which talks about Jude and Sue''s relationship. There is no logical order that is maintained. Your main point seems to be, "Hardy hints at the exclusivity and judgmental spirit of religious people during the Victorian era. ", but it is not at the beginning of the paragraph. There is a lot of supporting detail, use it to support this main point.
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7
Great specifics of things that I could improve upon. Thanks for taking the time to pay attention to these details, your comments really helped. |
| Flow |
Average (4)
- Your paper is a bit wordy and somewhat repetitive at times.
- "While the desire for wealth was a driving force for many Victorians, in the Victorian era certain elite were inherently born into opulence and therefore presented with an opportunity to become well educated." You are a bit repetitive in this sentence. There is no need to say, "in the Victorian era..." since you already write, "...a driving force for many Victorians."
- You may want to move your pictures to better the flow. For example, the picture of the university may be moved to when you start talking about Jude''s desires to attend Christminister.
- The picture of the man that feels dejected is a bit weird. It doesn''t make sense unless you read the caption. Maybe you can include a picture of crows or instead.
Grammatical errors:
- In Victorian society receiving a university education entitled a person to many opportunities that a lower class member of society could only dream of. "...entitled a person to many..." needs to be changed to "...entitled a person with many..."
- "Hardy effectively expresses this paradox throughout the novel as Jude struggles break into the elite scene at Christminster." Change to "...Jude struggles to break..."
- Judgment is spelled wrong. “My babies have been taken from me to show me this! Arabella’s child killing mine was a judgement—the right slaying the wrong.”
- "Through the character of Jude Hardy masterfully arouses the readers sympathetic imagination..." "reader''s" should be possessive.
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7
Very helpful advice. Attention to detail once again helped me a lot in editing. I can tell that you have put time into helping me improve my paper. Thanks! |
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