 |
|
| Project 1: Reviews and Back Reviews |
|
Focus (Overall quality: 6.2 )
| Reviewer |
Comments |
Back-Review |
Reviewer 1
|
The focus of this essay followed an easily apparent thesis. The author set up a simple statement, “Hardy explores the problems of masculinity both culturally and socially, revealing its constrictions and limitations on the individual,” and followed the statement throughout the paper. The author did not appear to lose focus throughout and ended with a good conclusion built around the thesis. The author also did a good job of sighting quotes.
One of the problems with the focus I ran into was not necessarily a content one (as there is a lot of great information embedded in this essay), rather the beginning and end of paragraphs were not uniform. I lost focus reading the essay in a few spots due to lack of unity. One spot in particular is paragraph two. It is a large paragraph and that contains many different directions.
The second paragraph is the first one to set up the rest of the paper and set up the thesis statement. It contains four different quotes that have footnotes but no quotation marks. I think if the quotation marks are inserted or the quotes are embedded in a way to distinguish them from original text, it may improve the focus of the second paragraph and the entire paper. I did, however, find the basis of the author’s argument solid and read a great deal of supporting information.
|
I fixed the organization of my paper for better unity. |
Reviewer 2
|
Thesis: “Ultimately, Hardy explores the problems of masculinity both culturally and socially, revealing its constrictions and limitations on the individual.”
You end with a strong thesis, but the beginning of your introduction has little to do with the rest of your paper. You tell about Hardy and what the effects of his novel had on him, but you say little about the topic itself until the very end.
|
I thought the introduction was fine, so I didn't change anything. |
Reviewer 3
|
The thesis appears to be "Ultimately, Hardy explores the problems of masculinity both culturally and socially, revealing its constrictions and limitations on the individual." I think that the thesis is very relevant to the topic and addresses it quite well. The body paragraphs support the thesis well, but might need some adjusting and moving around of information to different paragraphs. The conclusion is well-executed and summarizes the information without regurgitation of the introduction. Good job on your focus! |
I adjusted and moved a lot of sentences and paragraphs for better organization and unity |
Reviewer 4
|
You have a well developed thesis that is strongly supported by both your writing and the novel. The focus stays strong throughout the text and does not waiver. |
They do not criticize my paper much. I know my focus wasn't as strong as I would have liked. |
Reviewer 5
|
The focus of this paper seems to be pretty clear and is well-maintained throughout. It is formally written and the language is consistent. The sexual themes of the various characters are thoroughly explored in their societal context and are well-presented. I would recommend that the author consider putting in her thesis more emphasis on how she will explore these sex and gender issues equally as much as they related to Jude than just a societal context. There seemed to be an imbalance in what was stated in the topic paragraph and how deeply she actually explored the effects on Jude. The quotes are extremely relevant and well-worked into the paper. |
Noticed my "imbalance" of what was stated in the topic paragraph and how deep I explored the topic. I tried to emphasize more points so the examples could support them. |
|
Organization (Overall quality: 6.0 )
| Reviewer |
Comments |
Back-Review |
| Reviewer 1 |
This paper is brilliantly set up with a strong thesis and a convincing conclusion to the thesis statement in the final paragraph. The introduction is concise, inviting, and easy to follow. However, the middle of the paper suffers from poor organization in paragraph structure.
The second to last paragraph begins with a sentence that applies only to some of the remaining sentences. It is both the author’s view of oppressive nature of Jude the Obscure and a historical summation of Jude’s plight. These two ideas need to be separate if possible.
The visual rhetoric somewhat applies to the work; however it is not explicitly discussed in the text. The pictures are visually appealing; however, the captions have to be read to understand their intended meaning (Specifically, the Woman Dressing Her Hair Picasso painting). The author is using abstract artwork to visualize basic concepts. Do the Picasso pictures apply to the work? They very well might apply, as I am clearly not an art critic and have a limited understanding of cubism. Nonetheless, I had a difficult time incorporating the pictures into the context of the essay.
|
There is definitely poor organization which I tried to fix. I tried to connect my visuals better as the reviewer stated. |
| Reviewer 2 |
I liked that your photographs had a theme and were split up in an organized manner. They helped with the flow and organization of your paper. I really enjoyed reading your paper. The analysis was original and I loved your choice of words. |
This was the only reviewer who did not comment on my "connection" between the photos and the essay. It seems as if they got it. |
| Reviewer 3 |
You may want to break up your first body paragraph into two separate paragraphs, one addressing Jude''s relationship with Phillotson and one addressing his relationship with Sue.
Also, where did you learn the information about the "New Women" of the Victorian Era? If this isn''t common knowledge, you may want to cite a source where the reader can find out more about this.
Also, PLEASE do some proofreading. Your diction is wonderful as a whole, but some minor grammatical, spelling, and word choice errors detract from the paper.
The pictures are relevant, but the artwork may need a bit more explaining, either in the text or captions to the reader, as some of the images aren''t quite clear enough.
The paragraphs may deal with more than one subject, so please be careful.
Dellamora''s information needs to be introduced as an outside source or the reader may think that he/she is a character in the book. |
I definitely needed to proof read. I fixed my spelling and grammar. |
| Reviewer 4 |
You set out a structure from the beginning and follow through with it, neatly presenting your paper point by point. Your conclusion brings it all together, packaging it all nicely and with great prowess. |
Did not criticize my paper, but the review was funny. |
| Reviewer 5 |
The organization of the paper is very clear throughout. The visual elements, however, seem to be discussed inadequately in the text. Perhaps a stronger emphasis on how those visual elements relate to the body of the work would bring a better togetherness to the whole assignment. Other than that, there are good transitions between the paragraphs and the conclusion ties everything in with the beginning. Altogether good! |
I tried to tie in my visual elements better as the reviewer stated. |
|
Flow (Overall quality: 5.6 )
| Reviewer |
Comments |
Back-Review |
| Reviewer 1 |
Minor grammatical errors hindered the flow of the essay. There was an addition of a “s” to like in the first sentence. However, the biggest obstacle to the flow of the essay was the use of the passive voice. I found eleven passive verb strings in the essay. Here is a sample of a passive sentence in the essay.
“Until this point of the novel, Jude’s life has been defined by his futile attempts to fulfill the needs of manhood and the cultural demands of masculinity.”
The passive voice confuses the reader. Use the active to write in a more direct tone.
The other item that restricted the readability of the essay was the authors wordiness in a few spots. A few examples:
” Even though Jude self-teaches himself”
“preserve this masculinity that his society”
The above are minor mistakes. Ultimately, changing from the passive to the active voice and fixing a few typos will greatly improve the flow of this essay.
|
Gave really specific examples of what I needed to fix to have a better flow. |
| Reviewer 2 |
“Ultimately, Sue wants live, think and be free as a man.” You’re missing “to.”
“Although Jude the Obscure may not be as realistic as hoped, the complexities of emotion and characters that convey the complexities of our own human conditions are quite moving.” You slipped into second person in the last sentence with “our.”
|
Also had very specific examples of grammatical errors. |
| Reviewer 3 |
The writing is definitely clear and direct, but is a bit wordy. You might want to cut down on some of the over-explanation and add more points in order to bring up your word count and clarify your ideas. Overall though, the language is easy to understand. |
I added more points for better flow and understanding. |
| Reviewer 4 |
You do not use transitional phrases, which is awesome, especially in light of your smooth transitions nonetheless. However, the pictures are never referenced in the text, and are seemingly random, having nothing immediately obvious to do with the text. In the introduction paragraph, the sentence "I am not trying..." can be cut down to "Though the book appears to not have any theme beyond (blah blah blah), Jude the Obscure also criticizes an entire system (blah blah blah). It takes away the passive voice and makes a more formal, mature piece of work.
Additionally, in the second paragraph, you say "he substitutes as he does," which is unnecessarily wordy and makes little sense. I''m not sure if this was an editing error or not, but the words "as he does" should probably be cut entirely. You also have a typo soon after where you say "spear" instead of "sphere." After that you have an ellipsis (...) that not only has three periods, but also should be cut altogether, as it is a bit informal.
In the next paragraph, you say "never thought about girls in that kind of way," which should be cleaned up to "in a sexual manner" just for clarification and maturity''s sake.
It''s still a very strong paper, and with these little things cleaned up, it will make a very convincing piece of literary criticism. |
Gave really good examples of spelling errors and the use of the passive voice that needed to be corrected. |
| Reviewer 5 |
There is a smooth flow. Smooth like silk. Like silky ice. Silky ice oil. The slickest of the smooth flows. Ok, maybe not that smooth. But seriously, good job all around. This was a well-constructed, coherent paper in my opinion, which, of course, doesn''t really matter. I don''t give you the final grade. The only thing I could possibly comment on with the flow is that you might find a better way to transition from the final body paragraph into your conclusion. |
|
|
|
|
|
|