Paul Langdale
English 375L
7 February 2008
Manifesto:
Several Scenes from the Past That Shaped the Present
Introduction
Before I came to college, I had a romantic notion of what college would be like. For me, college was going to be the one time in my life where I could truly obtain freedom and happiness, where everything would fall into place, and where I could be whoever I wanted. However, in the words of Dickens, ÒIt was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despairÉÓ[1] Nothing could be more poignant. Whereas I envisioned nothing but the best of times, I ended up getting a mixed bag. Through the past few years, I have realized more about myself, have grown more both intellectually and socially, and have experienced changes and challenges I couldnÕt have imagined before I came to the University of Texas.
Fig. 1: The
caterpillar from the Disney adaptation of Lewis CarrollÕs AliceÕs Adventures
in Wonderland asking the quintessential question: Who are you?
My journey has taken some strange twists, and I have encountered strange characters along the way – many of whom parallel those in Victorian literature. But it all leads to an answer to one integral question: ÒÕWho are you?Õ said the Caterpillar.Ó[2] Much like the shy and off-put Alice, I could only answer as she did, ÒI—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.Ó[3] This accurately summarizes how I feel at present: I may have known who I was before I came to the University of Texas, but as Alice was then, I am still now in the process of finding out who I am.
What follows are
three chapters describing snapshots of my college experience that have shaped
who I am now. These three stories, for me, are the quintessential times of
self-discovery that I have undergone in the past few years. It is my personal
belief that I have changed more as a result of what happened in these three
particular tales than I have as a result of almost anything else that has
happened to me in life. Some of them occur by pure chance, and others by design
and straight-up personal mistakes. Regardless, each of these three stories
represents my discovery of who I am – a question that I still, to this
day, remain unable to answer fully.
Nausea
I woke up in an unfamiliar room with my face pressed against a cold tile floor and a faint smell of beer still lingering on my breath. I felt like vomiting, but at this point in my life I had never vomited after drinking. Something else had to be making me nauseous. I lifted my face from the floor and wiped the drool from my cheek as I watched the condensation my face left on the floor evaporate into the crisp morning air. I looked out the window. This wasnÕt right. It was mid-October of 2005, and my college experience at the University of Texas had begun on a foul note – just like high school did, and just like middle school did. There were two problems with that morning. First, I was miles from campus in a dorm room at St. EdwardÕs University; and second, I had nowhere else to go. A few days ago I had packed all my belongings and fled my dorm room on campus. My roommate, who has since been expelled from the university numerous times, had taken his cocaine-induced violent rage out on me for the last time. So, here I was at the start of what was supposed to be a new beginning, and it seemed like it was already ruined. I was quite literally homeless.
Fig. 2: A homeless person. So maybe I wasnÕt quite as bad off as this fellow, but after just a few months of college I was already well on my way.
My entire life and everything I called my own was crammed bumper-to-bumper in my car. It was a sobering thought to realize how little I actually had at that moment – not just physically, but intellectually. I drove to campus for the next few weeks from wherever it happened to be that I crashed the night before. As I walked out of the Trinity garage every morning the first thing I saw was a giant metallic image of the seal of the University of Texas. I had taken four years of Latin in middle school, so I shouldÕve known what it said. But as one can see from glancing at an image of the seal, the motto displayed reads ÒDisciplina Praesidium Civitatis.Ó
Fig. 3: The seal of the University of Texas with Mirabeau B. LamarÕs signature quotation: ÒDisciplina Praesidium Civitatis.Ó
Like all great paradoxes of education, I was amused to learn that Mirabeau B. Lamar originally authored the quote in English: ÒCultivated mind is the guardian genius of democracy.Ó[4] This motto helped answer one of the lingering questions I had when I came to the University of Texas. I wondered endlessly what my purpose was at the university and what effect it had on me. I wondered whether I needed an education, or if I could simply contribute to society based on what I had already acquired through the years. It took a levelheaded approach previously unbeknownst to me to realize that my mind to this point hadnÕt been cultivated. Though I had been at a particularly low point and had nowhere to go or no one to turn to, I found solace in the pursuit of scholarly knowledge. As John Henry Newman says, ÒKnowledge is capable of being its own end. Such is the constitution of the human mind, that any kind of knowledge, if it be really such, is its own reward.Ó[5] For me knowledge of this concept alone is certainly capable of being its own end. I may have been at a crossroads when I first arrived at college but I quickly realized that persistence in the pursuit of knowledge would result in a cultivated mind. With persistence, many of the original problems that plagued me my first semester quickly disappeared. I found a place to live, and I subsequently found a place in the classroom. It remains my hope that I will walk out of college with a cultivated mind that will allow me to more actively contribute to the betterment of society, as an intellectual.
The Cheshire Cat
During my first
winter at college, I had a rather unique encounter with a homeless man that
changed the way I thought about who I am. I truly believe that a chance
encounter with an eccentric can change oneÕs entire outlook on life itself. One
winter night, I was walking down 21st Street with a group of my
friends and a homeless man approached us. He was seemingly in his forties and
was rather large and had the mannerisms of a slightly insane eccentric.
Frightened by the thought of a homeless man, the people I was with ran away.
However, I could tell that this man wasnÕt looking for a handout since he had a
bag full of books. I engaged the man and asked him how his evening was going.
He looked at me and said that in three years I would meet him again and only
then would I know the secret to happiness. It hasnÕt quite been three years
since that evening, but I can already tell that whether this man knew what he
was talking about or not, the proverbial Ònext three yearsÓ were going to shape
who I was to become in a huge way.
Like Alice, who
had undergone many changes throughout her journey, I was having an encounter
with a man who closely resembled the Cheshire Cat.
Fig. 4: The Cheshire
Cat from DisneyÕs adaptation of Lewis CarrollÕs AliceÕs Adventures in
Wonderland resembling, quite literally, the strange homeless man I met
freshman year.
I donÕt know whether or not he was good-natured, or whether he was leading me astray. The conversation I had with him was very much like the one between Alice and the Cheshire Cat in AliceÕs Adventures in Wonderland: ÒÕWould you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?ÕÓ[6] I read those words in the novel as if I had said them myself. ÒÕThat depends a good deal on where you want to get to,Õ said the cat. ÔI donÕt care much where—Ô said Alice. ÔThen it doesnÕt matter which way you go,Õ said the cat.Ó[7] The man had given me similar advice along those lines. The subjectivity of my pilgrimage was more than I knew at the time. At that point I didnÕt know which direction I was going to travel in. I had no idea of where the road of my pilgrimage led to. It was over the course of the next year that I found out where I wanted to be, but it was after that night that I decided to start looking.
A Well-Rounded Two-Minded Individual
The first part of my college experience was rough around the edges, and the Cheshire Cat convinced me to smooth it out. The pilgrimage, for me at least, is realized with the application of the mind to the quest for knowledge. This didnÕt happen until late last year when many personal experiences caused me to rethink who I am as a whole. I was fortunate enough to take a class where one of the main themes was focused on the unique characteristics of the right brain versus the left brain.
Fig. 5: An image of the stereotypical right brain versus the left brain, with a number of bridges in between. These ÒbridgesÓ were what I needed to build to connect the two sides of my mind in order to live in harmony with my surroundings and better complete myself as a person.
I discovered that in order to be a cultivated mind capable of acquiring and using the knowledge required to be one of the guardians of democracy I needed to apply both my right and left brains equally in my everyday life. I found that a poem by Rudyard Kipling best describes the importance of this balance:
ÒI would go without short or shoe,
Friend, tobacco or bread,
Sooner than lose for a minute the two
Separate side of my head!Ó[8]
Kipling best illustrates the need
for both sides of the brain to live in union by emphasizing both the mutual
exclusivity but also the impossibility of life without either one. I realized
at the point in time that I took the class how important it was to my quest for
intellectualism to utilize both sides of my brain. Before this point in time, I
had made arguments by using only my rational side, and without creativity
involved, was a closed-minded individual. What I think Kipling realizes in his
poem is that in order for a human to grow and function in society, both parts
of oneÕs mind must be applied to everyday life. It sounds clichŽ and even passŽ
to try to say something like, ÒDude, you need open your mind, man. Experience life!Ó But itÕs true. The reality
is that without living in harmony with both sides of oneÕs mind, no one is
really ever able to grow, learn, or accomplish the things that humanity is
capable of.
Conclusion
Since I came to the University of Texas almost three years ago there have been many things that have shaped my growth as an individual. These three stories have only been examples that closely parallel the literature discussed in this course, however, they have been integral to my journey on the quest to find who I really am inside. The slogan on the University of Texas tower states, ÒYe shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.Ó[9]
Fig. 6: Maybe the truth in searching is not having found? ÒYe Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall Make You FreeÓ reads the quotation on the University of Texas tower.
Perhaps the truth in searching is not having found what I was looking for originally. Perhaps the truth that I seek is something entirely new and unknown to me. Perhaps the truth IÕve been searching for is unattainable and distant, even if it may be right under my nose. Regardless, only time will tell whether or not I have completed my pilgrimage and whether or not I can live my life within the principles set forth by the various Victorian examples that have influenced my college experience so greatly.
http://www.paullangdale.com/manifesto.html
Word Count: 2014
Quote Word Count: 218
Real Word Count: 1796
Image sources:
Fig. 1: http://www.alice-in-wonderland.net/alicepic/disney-movie/caterpillar-3.jpg
Fig. 2: http://www.solarnavigator.net/images/poverty_homeless_french_man_shopping_trolley.jpg
Fig. 3: http://www.cwrl.utexas.edu/~bump/FS3012/schedule.html
Fig. 4: http://www.alice-in-wonderland.net/alicepic/disney-movie/cheshire-cat-5.jpg
Fig. 5: http://nowsourcing.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/left-brain-right-brain.jpg
Fig. 6: http://www.vertive.com/images/photos/tower.jpg