REVIEW #1
Does the
writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for the
intended reader and topic? Sort of Does the
author explicitly state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near
the beginning of the paper? Yes Does the writer
provide information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to
the focus? Some, yes, especially about the Bible
study. But I didn’t really see the relevance of the Red Queen/mother
anecdote—maybe you could add more to the end of the paragraph to tie it into
the rest of the paper Does the author cite literature relevant to the
thesis? Yes, I like the
First summarize what you perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see
whether readers can discern the controlling point of the paper. The thesis sentence itself is a little fuzzy but the paper
talks about Dodgson’s leadership through his enlightened
views about technology and children and Victorian etiquette/society. Then
make specific comments about what trouble you had in understanding the focus of
the paper. The thesis talks about Dodgson’s
interest in the future but then it doesn’t mention it again—maybe you should
leave it out if you aren’t going to talk about it. Also, I think you should
relate the Red Queen/your mom story to the paper topic some more. Be
sure to give specific advice for how to make the focus more effective and
praise-oriented comments about strengths that made the writing good. I like where you relate your way of life and Dodgson’s, especially with the children and photography
paragraphs.
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Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? Sometimes the pictures come before the explanation of them so I was confused a little. ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE TEXT? Yes ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, they make the verbal statements clearer by providing a visual representation EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL RHETORIC. I would just recommend inserting the pictures after you talk about them—when I saw the picture of the women playing chess I thought “What’s this about??” and I only understand later after reading the paragraph. LOOKING AT BOTH THE TEXT AND THE MULTIMEDIA CONSIDER:
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes Is the order developed
and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices and
including introduction and conclusion? GREAT
transitions! Do paragraphs deal with one subject? Yes Is the introduction inviting? It’s informative Is the conclusion satisfying? Yes, it wraps everything up well, reminding the reader of
the main points in an interesting way
Comment on the organization of this paper. Describe how the paper is organized
and explain whether you find the organization helps develop the thesis. It’s organized according to the different aspects of Dodgson’s personality/way of life and how they make him a
leader, then relating it to the author’s life and how it makes her a leader. Give
suggestions for ways to improve the organization. I
like it the way it is, except for the picture placement as I stated above.
Based on your comments above, how would you rate the organization of this
paper?
Did the writing flow
smoothly so you could follow the main argument? Yes
Can you find the main points? Yes Are the
transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Very well-transitioned WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION
AFFECT THE FLOW? WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF
THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION? “From my varied experiences from my younger years to my current
hobbies, I know everything learned will be useful somehow in the future.”-->
“In my varied experiences, from
my younger years to my current hobbies, I know everything learned will be
useful somehow in the future.” (Replace first ‘from’ with ‘in’, comma after
‘experiences’); “In my years
of volunteering, it has occurred to me that girl or boy, both dislike when I
teach exactly in the traditional “read the scripture and answer the questions
listed” way I have been told to teach them.”--> “In my years of
volunteering, it has occurred to me that, girl or boy, both dislike when I
teach exactly in the traditional “read the scripture and answer the questions
listed” way I have been told to teach them.” (comma after ‘that’); This
sentence is a little weird: “A world filled with
etiquette and authority—Dodgson included this in his
Provide specific comments
about the flow of the paper. If the writing style is not clear and direct, give
specific comments to help the author understand the weaknesses. Only the above statements threw me off a little. The writing
style is clear and kind of pretty and imaginative in some parts—I like where
you say “he paints
REVIEW #2
FOCUS
Does the
writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for the
intended reader and topic? Yes
Does the
author explicitly state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near
the beginning of the paper? Yes—confused adolescent,
college journey compared to Jude and Alice
Does the
writer provide information and details that are important to the topic and
relevant to the focus? Yes, pre-college feelings,
during, finding a place
Does the
author cite literature relevant to the thesis? Yes,
Jude, Alice, Newman, English dept. statement, among other things
Does the
conclusion summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in
relation to the objective of the paper? Yes,
especially comparing Sue/Calculus with Jude’s struggle/writer’s struggle
First summarize what you perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see
whether readers can discern the controlling point of the paper. The author has had a difficult, confusing, and frustrating
college experience, especially concerning her identity/major and compares it to
the difficulties both Jude and Alice faced. Then make specific comments
about what trouble you had in understanding the focus of the paper. None, it is well-written and logically organized. Be
sure to give specific advice for how to make the focus more effective and
praise-oriented comments about strengths that made the writing good. Excellent prose—a very enjoyable, entertaining, and
enlightening paper (lots of e words, I know). Especially good integration of
quotes, and I loved comparing Sue Bridehead with
dreaded Calculus.
Based on your comments above, how would you rate the focus of this paper?
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ORGANIZATION
Is the organization of the
paper clear? Yes, it follows chronological order. IS
THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? Yes ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE TEXT? Yes ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN
THE TEXT? Yes DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, they reinforce the author’s statements and enhance the
reading of the paper. EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS AND
HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL RHETORIC. The first and last pictures did not work, so you should
probably fix that to make your verbal statements come across even
stronger.
LOOKING AT BOTH THE TEXT AND THE MULTIMEDIA CONSIDER:
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes, chronological—past, present,
future. Is the order developed and sustained within and across
paragraphs using transitional devices and including introduction and
conclusion? Perhaps a transition in the introduction
between talking about math and knowing who you are would help the flow. A
transition between the Calculus/Sue Bridehead
paragraph and the Newman/literature paragraph might help also. Do
paragraphs deal with one subject? Yes. Is the
introduction inviting? Yes, there’s a disconnect—it’s
about math and the writer is an English major, so this is probably about
transition and change, which is always interesting. Is the conclusion
satisfying? Yes, especially mentioning the fact that
you can’t find happiness in other people—reminiscent of the introduction since
you probably also wouldn’t have been able to find happiness just by going to a
college that you admired.
Comment on the organization of this paper. Easy to
follow. Describe how the paper is organized and explain whether you find
the organization helps develop the thesis. Chronological
organization benefits the paper since it is about a “journey” or discovery.
Give suggestions for ways to improve the organization. Only
the Calculus/Sue Bridehead paragraph and the
following one—I think it needs a transition between those two thoughts, at
least in the first sentence. Also the introduction—you talk about math, then
about identity and your chosen college. You link these but I think you can show
their connection a little more clearly.
Based on your comments above, how would you rate the organization of this
paper? 6
FLOW
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument? Yes. Can you find the main points? Yes. Are the transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Only where stated in the organization paragraph. WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE FLOW? “Math was my strong suit in high school, I was always a year ahead and always made the best grades.” might be “Math was my strong suit in high school—I was always a year ahead and always made the best grades.” Or maybe a semi-colon. Not sure, although I think the comma is too weak here. “...but Calculus was a tease, and some days would show affection, and others she would bitch-slap me until I cried.” could use some clearer punctuation. Although maybe pauses aren’t good for this paper since it’s a sort of “quick” paper—it has a fast pace and its about change and transition. Also, a couple of spelling errors, though nothing egregious. WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION? See above
NOW RE-READ THE ESSAY AND
IMAGINE YOU ARE THE INSTRUCTOR: WHERE WOULD HE OBJECT TO THE PUNCTUATION?
My battle with the “Big C,” Calculus was won, and no longer will I have nightmares of logarithms and imaginary numbers stealing my children.-> My battle with the “Big C,” Calculus, was won, and no longer will I have nightmares of logarithms and imaginary numbers stealing my children.
She went back to her former lovers, the engineers and doctors, and I went to my Arabella, the one who I originally married but who my parents disapproved—English.-> She went back to her former lovers, the engineers and doctors, and I went to my Arabella, the one who I originally married but who my parents disapproved: English.
Honestly, my grammar is all guessing and misplaced confidence with little formal education. So I MAY be incorrect here.
Provide specific comments about the flow of the paper. If the writing style is not clear and direct, give specific comments to help the author understand the weaknesses. Great writing style—it’s quick and witty, a little over-exaggerated at times, but I understand that’s part of the humor of it. If you point out a weakness, provide specific suggestions for improving the weakness, CITING PAGE NUMEBERS FROM OUR HANDBOOK WHENEVER YOU CAN.
Based on your comments
above, how would you rate the prose flow of this paper? 5
REVIEW #3
Does the
writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for the
intended reader and topic? Obviously the paper is
about Charlotte Bronte, but it isn’t very clear if there is a purpose
Does the author explicitly state his/her objective or thesis about a specific
topic near the beginning of the paper? It’s hard to
tell—is it about her role against society’s rules? Or about her talent to
channel her emotions into writing? Does the writer provide information
and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the focus? Yes, although you mention universities in the intro but
don’t really talk about it after that. Does the author cite literature
relevant to the thesis? Yes—they talk about rebellion
and courage, which are the main themes of the paper (I think) Does the
conclusion summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in
relation to the objective of the paper? Yes, great
conclusion!
First summarize what you perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see
whether readers can discern the controlling point of the paper. Then make
specific comments about what trouble you had in understanding the focus of the
paper. Like I said above, I don’t know if you’re
saying
Is the organization of the paper clear? Sometimes the paragraphs veer off onto topics that were covered in other paragraphs—its hard to tell what the topic of each paragraph is and that makes reading the paper a little confusing. IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? Yes ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE TEXT? Yes ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes, they are discussed very well DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Definitely—they are a very strong part of the essay since they provide a visual representation and analysis of societal issues. EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL RHETORIC. The only way you could improve is by adding more pictures! This is my favorite part of the paper, so I didn’t really see anything you needed to improve upon. LOOKING AT BOTH THE TEXT AND THE MULTIMEDIA CONSIDER:
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Somewhat Is the order
developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices
and including introduction and conclusion? Not very
many transitions Do paragraphs deal with one subject? Sometimes; for example, in the second to last paragraph, you
talk about Victorian society’s criticism of
Comment on the organization of this paper. Describe how the paper is organized
and explain whether you find the organization helps develop the thesis. Give
suggestions for ways to improve the organization. It’s
hard to say whether the organization helps the thesis since the thesis is
unclear and sometimes the paragraphs switch topics. I’d suggest stream-lining
your thesis then using each paragraph to talk about a separate thing that
supports the thesis.
Did the writing flow
smoothly so you could follow the main argument? In
some places the writing was unclear or passive Can you find the main
points? Yes, more or less Are the transitions
from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? No transitions WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE
FLOW? WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE
PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION? Some awkward phrasing here: “The experiences of an individual can harm or help them, and
Provide specific comments
about the flow of the paper. If the writing style is not clear and direct, give
specific comments to help the author understand the weaknesses. Some parts of the paper didn’t flow well due to
awkwardness/unclear sentence structure.
REVIEW #4
Does the
writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for the
intended reader and topic? It’s sort of clear
Does the author explicitly state his/her objective or thesis about a specific
topic near the beginning of the paper? Yes, it’s about
Dickens’ use of public power/influence to help the poor and carry out social
justice. Does the writer provide information and details that are
important to the topic and relevant to the focus? Yes—the
background info about Dickens shows the reason behind his commitment to
fighting social injustice through writing. The
modern day example—widespread apathy about Katrina—is a good comparison here. Does
the author cite literature relevant to the thesis? Yes
Does the conclusion summarize findings from the literature and provide
insight in relation to the objective of the paper? Yes,
but it’s a little too short.
First summarize what you perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see
whether readers can discern the controlling point of the paper. How Dickens’ commitment to fight social injustice through
literature makes him a leader. Then make specific comments about what
trouble you had in understanding the focus of the paper. Be sure to give specific
advice for how to make the focus more effective and praise-oriented comments
about strengths that made the writing good. It sort of
goes between Dickens’ literature and the author’s feelings about modern day
social injustice—the introduction doesn’t say enough about what the paper is
going to be about—maybe you could make it longer and say that you are also
going to talk about your feelings about modern-day injustice and how to be a
leader now by fighting it.
Is the organization of the paper clear? Somewhat IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? The pictures wouldn’t work on my computer!! :( ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE TEXT? Yes ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL RHETORIC. I don’t know since I can’t see them. LOOKING AT BOTH THE TEXT AND THE MULTIMEDIA CONSIDER:
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? I see that the author begins with
Dickens’ background and its influence, education, then it gets kind of unorganizied from there. Is the order developed and
sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices and including
introduction and conclusion? No transitions really. Do
paragraphs deal with one subject? The first 2 body
paragraphs do Is the introduction inviting? It’s
kind of ordinary—it needs a little more to it since its so small. Is the conclusion satisfying? I like the idea expressed in the conclusion about caring
about others and not just ourselves.
Comment on the organization of this paper. Describe how the paper is organized
and explain whether you find the organization helps develop the thesis. Like I said above, I think the first two paragraphs are
well-organized and clear but the rest is disorganized Give suggestions
for ways to improve the organization. Give the third
and fourth body paragraphs a more streamlined topic. Maybe take a paragraph or
two to talk about yourself in a more in-depth way.
Did the writing flow
smoothly so you could follow the main argument? Yes Can
you find the main points? Partly Are the
transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Harsh—there aren’t really any WHERE DID THE
PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE FLOW? WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY,
BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION?
Not really anywhere—good grammar.
Provide specific comments about the flow of the paper. If the writing style is not clear and direct, give specific comments to help the author understand the weaknesses. I think your paper is well-written and flows well, it just lacks organization
REVIEW#5
FOCUS
Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for
the intended reader and topic? Yes, the author compares the Victorian college experience with
her modern one at UT. Does the author explicitly state his/her objective
or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of the paper? Yes Does the writer provide information and details
that are important to the topic and relevant to the focus? Yes Does the author cite literature relevant to the
thesis? Yes, especially Newman and Marder
Does the conclusion summarize findings from the literature and provide
insight in relation to the objective of the paper? Yes
First summarize what you perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see
whether readers can discern the controlling point of the paper. The thesis is about how the Victorian college experience has
evolved into the modern one, especially pertaining to religion’s influence,
pedagogy/how to think (not what to think), and leadership. Then make
specific comments about what trouble you had in understanding the focus of the
paper. Be sure to give specific advice for how to make the focus more effective
and praise-oriented comments about strengths that made the writing good. The paper mainly dealt with comparing the two different
college experiences, although sometimes the quotes weren’t explained—perhaps
you could say a little more about the discovery learning quote and its
significance with modern ways of thinking/teaching. The paragraph about
pedagogy doesn’t seem very well-connected (it jumps to “students can change
their major”)—I think you could use some kind of transition there. I like where
you talk about the Victorian “stone mold” and its remnants today and how that
relates to the leadership model (then you say you can still excel as a leader
by being an English major)—this is a strong part of the paper that I think you
should emphasize. I also like how you talk about Victorians teaching what to
think and modern universities teaching how to think and where you talk about
similarities between the two experiences ( the paragraph with Jude references).
Only one thing I didn’t understand, and this might just be me: the title??
Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes; the thesis says the paper will explain the two experiences by talking about religion, pedagogy, and leadership IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? Yes ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE TEXT? Yes ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, they are funny/cute and strengthen the paper’s statements visually. EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL RHETORIC. Only one thing--more pictures! LOOKING AT BOTH THE TEXT AND THE MULTIMEDIA CONSIDER:
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes, although you should order
your thesis statement in the same order as the paragraphs (if the order of the
thesis is religion, pedagogy, leadership, then the first paragraph should be
about religion, the second about pedagogy, etc. Is the order developed
and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices and
including introduction and conclusion? Could use some
more transitions between the first/second/third paragraphs, although they are
much better towards the end. Do paragraphs deal with one subject? Most—like I said above, the leadership paragraph is sort of
jumbled. Is the introduction inviting? Yes,
it’s great! Is the conclusion satisfying? Yes,
especially since it jumps back to the intro.
Comment on the organization of this paper. Describe how the paper is organized
and explain whether you find the organization helps develop the thesis. Yes, although I think you should line up the order so as not
to confuse the reader (like I said above). I think it was a good idea to put
the similarities/Jude paragraph at the end because it gives a nice contrast to
the differences.
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument? Yes Can you find the main points? Yes Are the transitions from one point to the next
harsh, or do they transition naturally? Harsh at the
beginning, better at the end. WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE FLOW?
WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION,
OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION? “Having never attended summer camps in my
childhood nor was I even allowed at many sleepovers, so moving away to college
was so to speak, the first time I was leaving the nest.”--> “Having never attended
summer camps in my childhood nor was I even allowed at many sleepovers, so
moving away to college was, so to speak, the first time I was leaving the
nest.” (comma after second ‘was’); “The well groomed, formal university gown
wearing student in the Victorian college” --> “The well groomed, formal
university gown-wearing student in the Victorian college” (hyphen between gown
and wearing)
NOW RE-READ THE ESSAY AND IMAGINE YOU ARE THE INSTRUCTOR: WHERE WOULD HE OBJECT TO THE PUNCTUATION?
Provide specific comments
about the flow of the paper. If the writing style is not clear and direct, give
specific comments to help the author understand the weaknesses. The syntax is almost always the same—maybe you could try
mixing it up with longer/shorter sentences. Sometimes its not very clear what
you want to say, like these sentences: “In modern education for
example, the media provides so many classes of thought and ideas, exposing
students now to a greater range of thoughts, whereas back then, it was only
books that were sanctioned by the state and religion.” or “The singular mode of
thought followed by students in Victorian Colleges can be signified by the
preaching of religious ideas in a university setting.” I understand what you
mean, but you could express it more clearly. This is a fantastic
statement/idea, it’s just a little indirect: “The image of the respected
scholar in the Victorian Age conjure up a mold centuries old that young
European males are whittled away at until they fit neatly inside.”