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Reviews
and Back-Reviews on Your Final Draft
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Focus (Overall quality: 5.3 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Back-Review
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Reviewer
1
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On a side note before reviewing,
Anna Sewell most definately *did* intend Black Beauty to be an
allegory for the treatment of women in Victorian society.
Thesis: The pain and cruelty fashion caused in Victorian
society mainly affected animals and women.
The focus is clear and distinct overall, the paper doesn''t
wander from its origins or purpose to any great degree.
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I''''''''''''''''m glad this person pointed out something I
didn''''t actually know about the book; unfortunately I
couldn''''t find any evidence so I couldn''''t include it in my
paper
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Reviewer
2
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You seem to be drawing parallels
between women''s fashion in the Victorian era and the way they
made animals fashionable. The first paragraph is short and
somewhat sweet. I think it could use a few more sentences
making referencing more of what is to come: corsets, horse
reins, etc. Although, I really like your thesis, and it is the
most clear one I''ve read. If you want, you could elaborate on
the exact social function of each of the items of clothing
(I''m considering horseshoes and horse clothing...). Especially
since it''s only 800 words so far... and I think you might run
out of parallels between woman and horse (and dog..etc). More
fun title? Stop! In the Name of Fashion.. before you break a
heart
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I definitely added more to the intro especially being more
specific about what is to come. Funny title suggestion!
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Reviewer
3
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The direct connection between the
mistreatment of animals and Victorian women is clearly
established as the thesis of this essay. The author gives great
examples of how “corrective” measures were used on animals and
women during the Victorian period. I think comparing the
bearing rein and corsets was genius.
Thesis:
The pain and cruelty fashion caused in the Victorian era mainly
affected animals and women.
The thesis however obvious could have been stronger and taken
to another level. I think this thesis is a good start and great
points were made to prove it, I just wanted to see a spin but
on this that shined a new light on the issue.
The conclusion seems very unfinished, when reading I scrolled
down thinking there would be more, but there wasn’t, your essay
just ended. I was a bit disappointed; I felt there was room to
really get your argument going.
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I liked the advice to sort of ''''upgrade'''' my thesis and I
tried to do that, just to give it some more depth.
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Reviewer
4
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Ahh a different route, how
refreshing. Focused throughout but horribly short of the word
count. Also, present tense makes things more urgent. Go back
and make it all present tense.
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Good idea with the present tense, I definitely tried to fix
that. Increased the word count by adding another paragraph and
conclusion.
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Organization (Overall quality: 5.8 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Back-Review
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Reviewer
1
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My browser shows HTML''s as all
weird and messy, but that actually has nothing to do with your project
so I''m not going to penalize you for it. Your pictures were
adressed in the paper, and the overall organization is clear.
In the face of my browser screwing your paper up, it actually
suffers little, showing an impressive job in terms of its structure.
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This is more helpful than it seems at first--thanks for letting
me know that the structure was done correctly.
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Reviewer
2
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Good so far. Very structured. No
problems at all. Everything is very organized - picture and
text. Like the juxtaposition.
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YES thanks for recognizing the juxtaposition!
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Reviewer
3
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The organization is at best presented
in a mediocre fashion. The paragraphs show a logical transition
but it seems that there was little to no effort in the
organization other than the obvious here is one thought ending
and another starting.
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I didn''''t exactly heed this advice because I wasn''''t sure
HOW to organize it, but I think each section is its own unit.
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Reviewer
4
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Of course it''s organized, it''s
not long enough to get unorganized. You need a thousand more
words. But there''s a lot to write about, I believe in you.
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Yes, I added more words thanks to your helpful prodding.
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Flow (Overall quality: 5.1 )
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Reviewer
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Comments
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Back-Review
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Reviewer
1
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The flow is smooth and distinct,
and the transitions between topics are clear and well designed.
Little to no fluff, its all to the point and a neccesary part
of the paper itself.
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Thanks for the praise---what else could I have improved upon
though?
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Reviewer
2
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In between good and very good.
The words pain and cruelty are painfully overused. Grab a
thesaurus and have some fun. Some sentences do not make much
sentence: i.e. "cannot fulfill its own use to humans and
loses any little standing in society." HUH?? Quotes always
incorporated nicely on the other hand!! Overall, great paper...
excellent use of media to illustrate your point.
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I changed up the word choice to vary more. Altered sentences so
they would make sense.
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Reviewer
3
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The paragraphs are short, choppy,
and loaded with quotes. This essay was a best skeletal, it
seems that the basis for a great paper is here, however there
is no substance to the words. The entire essay seems like an
outline for something that is waiting to be taken to the next
level.
The intro is very conversational, I would say go for a more
traditional and professional approach. The author seems to be
uninterested in keeping the reader entertained and drawn into
the essay in the beginning, a trend that continues throughout
the entire paper. The essay needs more girth in ideas and transitions,
to compensate for the onslaught of quotes that are thrown in
the essay.
In the fifth paragraph it seems it goes on forever because the
author uses especially to transitions from one idea to the
next. I would recommend taking out especially, or only just
using it one time and finding a synonym. The author does a
great job of paralleling animals (horses mainly) and women, but
the way the information is presented seems to be a vain attempt
to just fill the words with paper.
The essay did not flow well at all, had it not been for the
numerous quotes this paper would really y just be a blob of
words. Quotes should enhance the essay/argument you are
providing not be the backbone of the entire essay.
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Really good review here--specific advice, which is really
helpful. I incorporated more of my own ideas in the final
version.
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Reviewer
4
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The flow between the pictures and
quotes works quite well. You can add more commentary. You
should bring it to the present and talk about models killing
themselves in the name of fashion, starving themselves...
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Good idea about bringing it to the present--I added it to my
conclusion!
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