Review #1
1. Focus 6
Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for
the intended reader and topic? Yes—it’s
about a Victorian author (Carroll) and his response to animals
Does the author explicitly
state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of
the paper? Sort of hard to tell—is the
author interpreting the story in a certain way or is she saying that this
interpretation was Carroll’s true purpose?
Does the writer provide
information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the
focus? Yes, especially the information
about Carroll’s opposition to vivisection and Victorian conformity.
Does the author cite
literature relevant to the thesis? Yes
Does the conclusion
summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in relation to the
objective of the paper? Yes! Very good
conclusion—I like how you relate the story and thesis to modern day attitudes.
First summarize what you
perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see whether readers can discern
the controlling point of the paper. The
paper is an interpretation of Alice in Wonderland as a
description/depiction of animal treatment in Victorian society Then make specific comments about what trouble you had in
understanding the focus of the paper. I’m
just a little unclear about this—are you saying that Carroll wrote the story
expressly to show animal treatment in Victorian society?
2. Organization 6
Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes, the topic sentences make the
paragraphs a little easier to understand.
IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE
VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE
TEXT? The pictures tie into the text
well. I like how you talk about the hierarchy of animals above humans and
include a picture where the caterpillar is physically much higher than
ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT
LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes
DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL
CAPTIONS? Yes ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO
THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, they emphasize the
points of the paragraphs.
EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR
THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND
VISUAL RHETORIC. If there is a picture
where
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes it seems
logical—it starts with
3. Flow 4
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the
main argument? The writing was not very
smooth. The wording can get awkward in some places which hinders your argument.
I put some suggestions below. Despite that, everything else is pretty easy to
understand.
Can you find the main
points? Yes.
Are the transitions from
one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Like I said earlier, good
transitions except for the one in the last body paragraph. WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE
FLOW?
WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR
STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION?
To help his
readers empathize with the life of an animal, Carroll understood that leveling
his audience’s eye level to one of an animal’s was essential.
I would say this instead: “To
help his readers empathize with the life of an animal, Carroll understood the
necessity of bringing his audience’s eye level to one of an animal.”
It is not easy
for
Change “level” to “eyes”—maybe you want to
use something less cliché than “eyes”, but level just doesn’t work here.
Carroll is
insisting that although animals are accustomed to the chaotic environment they
are forced to live in, it is not by their choice and they should be taken care
with more love.
Insert “of” after “taken care”
Carroll points to
I think you mean something like this:
“Carroll highlights
Review #2
1. Focus 6
Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for
the intended reader and topic? Yes—Victorian
treatment of animals.
Does the author explicitly
state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of
the paper? Yes—the paper covers a broad
range of topics concerning Victorian attitudes towards animals and how these
attitudes were devised from the sympathetic imagination.
Does the writer provide
information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the
focus? Yes—the paper contains paragraphs
about Victorian responses to vivisection, diet, morality,etc.
Does the author cite
literature relevant to the thesis? Yes,
especially Ritvo and Cobbe.
Does the conclusion
summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in relation to the
objective of the paper? Yes—connects
findings with thesis Victorian importance of the sympathetic imagination
First summarize what you
perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see whether readers can discern
the controlling point of the paper. The
paper seeks to intertwine Victorian attitudes towards animals with the idea of
having a sympathetic imagination. Then make specific comments about what
trouble you had in understanding the focus of the paper. None, it was straightforward and well-written. Be sure to give
specific advice for how to make the focus more effective and praise-oriented
comments about strengths that made the writing good. I like the introductory paragraphs that give a background of the
Victorian era, especially with
2. Organization 5
Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes, especially since the paragraphs each introduce their respective topic well.
IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE
VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE
TEXT? I mentioned the banner above, but
also: the last picture (the opera singer/high society remark) doesn’t really
connect with the theme of compassion for animals. You didn’t really say what
you mean by high society. Do you mean educated people or upper class people? Or both?
ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT
LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Most of
them—the Primate to Office Inmate doesn’t seem to have a connection with the
rest of the paper. Are you saying humans are losing their connection with
nature?
DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL
CAPTIONS? ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, except the one mentioned above.
EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR
THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND
VISUAL RHETORIC. Explain the link
between the primate/office inmate picture and your paper a little more.
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes Is the
order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional
devices and including introduction and conclusion? Yes, somewhat good transitioning and very good topic sentences,
although the conclusion needs a little work. Do paragraphs deal with one
subject? Yes, they are divided into
separate topics. Is the introduction inviting? Yes, I like the mention of human domination over the world and the
opposing idea of sympathetic imagination. Is the conclusion satisfying? Not really.
Describe how the paper is organized and explain whether you find the
organization helps develop the thesis. Give suggestions for ways to improve the
organization. There is sort of a
division in your paper. First you talk about the sympathetic imagination and
the Victorian context. In the other half you talk about the connection between
the sympathetic imagination and Victorian treatment of animals. Maybe you could
use subheadings to clarify this division.
3. Flow 4
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the
main argument? Yes.
Can you find the main
points? Yes Are the transitions from
one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? The only really good transition was between
paragraphs 5 and 6. The rest are kind of harsh. WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION
AFFECT THE FLOW? WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF
THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION?
4th paragraph “Victorians were at the height of their civilization, having influences throughout a majority of the world—no wonder they could not accept their similarity to an animal like a monkey; but the likeness between the species was scientifically accurate according to Darwin.”
I would change this
to: “Victorians were at the height of their civilization, heavily
influencing a majority of the world—no wonder they could not accept their
similarity to an animal like a monkey. But the likeness between the two species
was scientifically accurate according to
6th paragraph: Some
considered a man morally superior if he did not eat meat because he was saving
an animal’s life and was an exemplar of compassion.
Animals needs an apostrophe
(animal’s)
7th paragraph: Vivisection, the cutting up or dissection of living animals, was another key issue in Victorian treatment of animals.
Comma after living animals
Mark Twain anecdote: And one day those men cam(e) again
“came” is mispelled (needs an e)
If the writing style is not
clear and direct, give specific comments to help the author understand the
weaknesses. The writing style is very
clear and easy to read except for some minor punctuation errors.
Review #3
1. Focus 3
Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for
the intended reader and topic? The paper
is basically an overview of Jainism.
Does the author explicitly
state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of
the paper? The objective just seems like
an introduction to Jainism and how its ideas are older/somewhat different than
Victorian ideas.
Does the writer provide
information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the
focus? Yes, good details about Jain
guidelines
Does the author cite
literature relevant to the thesis? Yes
Does the conclusion
summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in relation to the
objective of the paper? The conclusion
doesn’t even talk about Victorian society anymore, it
simply goes straight to modern times.
First summarize what you
perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see whether readers can discern
the controlling point of the paper. Jainism
has been around for a longer time than Victorians and is different than
Victorian culture Then make specific comments
about what trouble you had in understanding the focus of the paper. I think the problem here is that the paper
is supposed to be about the Victorian response to
2. Organization 5
Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes, the paragraphs all have their own
specific topic.
IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE
VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE
TEXT? Only two pictures, although the
paper is pretty short in the first place.
ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT
LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes
DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL
CAPTIONS? ARE THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes, I liked that the author introduces the idea about how people who
care about the environment are ridiculed in our society.
EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR
THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND VISUAL
RHETORIC. I think you need more pictures
relating to Jainism/Victorian era.
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? There isn’t a
sequence, but this type of paper doesn’t really call for one. Is the order
developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices
and including introduction and conclusion? Good
transitions—they transition well and, at the same time, introduce a new topic. Do
paragraphs deal with one subject? Yes Is
the introduction inviting? Yes, but it
doesn’t really have a clear thesis Is the conclusion satisfying? Not really, it doesn’t say anything about
the Victorian era, although I like how you bring in modern ideas.
3. Flow 6
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the
main argument? Yes, good prose.
Can you find the main
points? Yes.
Are the transitions from
one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Good transitions. WHERE DID THE
PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE FLOW?
WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR
STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION?
The Jains moral treatment of animals is not the only guideline which sets them apart from other religions and traditional ways of thinking.
Should begin: “The Jains’
moral treatment...”
The 5th Jaine guideline allows for Jains to keep their minds open to new ways of thought, allowing the cultivation of revolutionary ideas.
Misspelled first
“Jain”—it has an “e” on the end.
In a society in which overindulgence prevalent in every aspect of life, it’s hard to imagine following the Jain guidelines.
change to “overindulgence is prevalent”
Until recently, Americans didn’t have a care in the world for the environment until a hole was burned in our atmosphere.
“burned
into our atmosphere”
Also, I think you
should find some evidence for this statement.
Review #4
1. Focus 6
Does the writer establish and maintain a clear purpose that is appropriate for
the intended reader and topic? Discusses
Kipling’s love of India despite his superiority complex due to being a
Victorian
Does the author explicitly
state his/her objective or thesis about a specific topic near the beginning of
the paper? The paper is about the
positive and negative effects of an author’s (Kipling) social context on his
works.
Does the writer provide
information and details that are important to the topic and relevant to the
focus? Yes, there is evidence for both
positive and negative effects of Kipling’s Victorian upbringing.
Does the author cite
literature relevant to the thesis? Yes,
especially lots of Kipling (which is good!)
Does the conclusion
summarize findings from the literature and provide insight in relation to the
objective of the paper? I like that the
conclusion addresses the controversial opinions about Kipling’s works and how
they are still unresolved today.
First summarize what you
perceived as the thesis so that the writer can see whether readers can discern
the controlling point of the paper. Kipling’s
position as a British/ Victorian/affluent person controlled the way he
interpreted
2. Organization 6
Is the organization of the paper clear? Yes, they each cover a specific topic about
Kipling’s response to
IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE
VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR? ARE THE PICTURES FULLY INTEGRATED INTO THE
TEXT? Good pictures—my only suggestion
is that you use a few more.
ARE THEY DISCUSSED, OR AT
LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT? Yes
DO THEY HAVE HELPFUL
CAPTIONS? The captions are embedded in
the text of the paper. This makes reading the paper a little confusing. ARE
THEY ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT? Yes,
they give good background information and other people’s ideas.
EXPLAIN TO THE WRITER YOUR
THOUGHTS ON THIS AND HOW THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR INTEGRATION OF VERBAL AND
VISUAL RHETORIC. More!
Is a logical order of
sequence maintained? Yes, although maybe
you should put the paragraph about Kipling’s modern day depiction last because
then the paper would be chronologically ordered (more or less). Is the
order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional
devices and including introduction and conclusion? Yes Do paragraphs deal with one subject? Yes
3. Flow 5
Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the
main argument? Yes
Can you find the main
points? Yes
Are the transitions from
one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally? Good transitions! WHERE DID THE
PUNCTUATION AFFECT THE FLOW?
WHERE DID YOU SLOW DOWN OR
STOP, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, BECAUSE OF THE PUNCTUATION, OR LACK OF PUNCTUATION? Here are my suggestions about things that
slowed me down:
This segway demonstrates Kipling’s love and appreciation for
“segway” should be “segue”
“ethnocentrist” isn’t a
word. “ethnocentric” is (an adjective—if you talk
about Kipling being “an ethnocentrist” then maybe you should describe him
instead as “an ethnocentric person/writer”
Now, minorities are encouraged to celebrate their diversity,
and speak about their past burdens, such as slavery or oppression by a foreign
power, such as the case of
Repetition of “such” kind of muddles this sentence.
Do not read me wrong, I am not defending his position, but simply trying to sympathize with is view point.
should say “sympathize with his
viewpoint”
“Brit” is informal. “Briton” is the formal usage.
“highlights” not
“hi-lights”
Kipling was a truly great writer, today his legacy is received with mixed emotions across the globe
I would put “yet” after the comma.
The rapper describes his heritage as a burden, rather than a
privilege, as being white was in Kipling’s
Did you mean to say