My Suggestions
To improve our papers, Bump made us review each others' work and give suggestions. These are the suggestions I made to my classmates.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "He had short, golden brown with a triangular patch ..."
In your first paragraph, there is a sentence that reads: "He had short, golden brown with a triangular patch of white hair on his chest, a body slightly long in length, and dark brown eyes."
It sounds like there is a word missing. You might have meant to write "He had short, golden brown fur ..." I also think the phrase "body slightly long in length" sounds a bit awkward. Maybe he had "a long, slender body."
Overall, though, I like your paper and admire your love for animals.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "My passion in life is to lead people ..."
Right after your tenth footnote you wrote: "My passion in life is to lead people away from the worldly mindset and remind them that it is never to late to change yourself."
It should read: "... It is never too late to change yourself."
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "If you are thinking that maybe it was my father, than guess again."
In the last paragraph of the third page, you wrote: "If you are thinking that maybe it was my father, than guess again."
Than should be changed to then.
I admire your boldness for sharing so much personal information with the class.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "Despite the large amount of time I would be dancing each day ..."
Your sentence "Despite the large amount of time I would be dancing each day, I was able to maintain decent grades in school" sounds a bit awkward. I think if you changed "would be dancing" to "spent dancing" it would sound better. Still, great paper.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "LHB has allowed me to ... be a part of the rich tradition of UT that has passed on from generation to generation."
In the last sentence of your paper, you write: "LHB has allowed me to express myself through music, to relax in and amongst friends, and to be a part of the rich tradition of UT that has passed on from generation to generation."
I suggest changing has to is because the past tense makes it seem too final. Our traditions are still passed on to this day, and it's something we should all be proud of!
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "Music 'fulfill[s] my bliss ...'"
Your sentence "Music 'fulfill[s] my bliss'[2] it delivers a natural high for which there is no substitute" is a run-on. You could do a few things with this. Maybe you could write "Music 'fulfills my bliss.' It delivers a natural high ..." Or you could write "Music 'fulfills my bliss,' delivering a natural high ..."
Oh, and I like your taste in music. :)
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: Imagine
"While Carlyle write that the 'mythical Phoenix sought its renewal through self-immolation in the consuming flames,' I find my purification of soul to be in writing poetry and letters to those that I feel have made an impact¿positively or negatively¿on my life. [6]."
Write should be changed to writes. That last paragraph is also really long. It might be good for your readers to find some place to break it up. Overall, I liked your paper.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: "With my new found freedom I let reading become more than just a hobby ..."
"With my new found freedom I let reading become more than just a hobby, it has moved to the top of my priority list, instead of lurking near the bottom buried under subjects that I do not care for."
You have two indepedent clauses there. You change the first comma (the one after "hobby") to a semicolon (I love semicolons ... and em-dashes!) or add a coordinating conjunction.
I love your line: "What are you going to do with an English degree? Teach?" In the broadest sense, I'm a math major. Actuarial sciences is actually a specialization within the degree. So when I tell people that I'm a math major, they ask me the same thing.
People don't realize there are many things you can do with a math degree, and I'm sure it's the same with English. There are plenty of things you can do with it, you just have to be creative in finding something you like and applying your talents to it. And with you, I don't think creativity is something you're lacking.