Peer Suggestions
To improve our papers, Bump made us review each others' work and give suggestions. These are the suggestions my classmates made to me.
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Author: Grube, Kim
Subject: Like most kids, I used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or, when I was feeling particularly imaginative, a ghost buster.
I loved this sentence...especially the ghost buster part! That was cute. However, I would double check the comma usage in "or an astronaut or,". I could be very wrong, but it stood out to me as being awkard.
"Like most kids, I used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or, when I was feeling particularly imaginative, a ghost buster."
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Author: Pham, Cindy
Subject: Since I'm only eight months away from graduation, I've already begun to think about my pilgrimage, and to me it is a time in my life. It's a period in my life when I'll be happy.
These two sentences seem to be repetitive, so perhaps you could combine them like thus:
"Since I'm only eight months away from graduation, I've already begun to think about my pilgrimage, and to me it is a period in my life when I'll be happy."
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Author: Nagel, Bethany
Subject: There's nothing wrong with your personality type, but when you're too strong in any one category, especially introvert (which I am, ringing in at 88 percent), it can definitely hinder your ability to lead, so at UT I've taken a number of different classes
"There's nothing wrong with your personality type, but when you're too strong in any one category, especially introvert (which I am, ringing in at 88 percent), it can definitely hinder your ability to lead, so at UT I've taken a number of different classes to try and fan the flames of my passion, both inside of math and outside of it." I think if you broke this sentence up it would help convey your ideas more effectively. Maybe you could say, "There's nothing wrong with your personality type, but when you're too stron in any one category, especially intervert (which I am, ringing in at 88 percent), it can definatly hinder your ability to lead. Thats why I've taken a number of different classes to fan the flames of my passion, both inside of math and outside of it."
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Author: Boyd, Jennifer
Subject: I love math too!
"It was fitting since I had always stood out of my teachers as being particularly bright anyways."
Come on Chris, of all sentences to make a mistake in "of" should be "to". I would also lose the "anyways":
"It was fitting since I had always stood out to my teachers as being particularly bright."
"I feel like seeing things from multiple perspectives is a great strength because I'm more likely to see things from others' perspectives, thus allowing me to better connect with them."
This sentence is confusing. I would condense it like this:
"I feel like seeing things from others' perspectives is a great strength of mine because it allows me to better connect with people."
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Author: Huddleston, Alexandra
Subject: In high school I took honors classes,
Great paper! I can definitely relate to the difficulties of making long lasting friendships in college. I think you should read over your paper and think about where you want the reader to pause, and then add some commas. Look at the structure of some of your sentences and mix it up a bit because some of them start very similarly.
In high school I took honors classes, so I saw mostly the same people for four years, so by the third and fourth years I started to break out of my shell. College, however, moves so much faster meaning there's less time for me to become comfortable with people. I've taken a lot of different classes to try and discover more about myself, to "hammer my thoughts in unity." ...
In high school, I took honors classes; so, I saw mostly the same people for four years. Eventually, by the third and fourth years I started to break out of my shell. Since college moves so much faster, there's less time for me to become comfortable with people.
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Author: Kalin, Alana
Subject: I liked almost everything else, and though I couldn't express it as well as Newman, I would have agreed with him when he said "to give undue prominence to one is to be unjust to another."1 It wasn't until high school that I actually started to appreciate
"I liked almost everything else, and though I couldn't express it as well as Newman, I would have agreed with him when he said "to give undue prominence to one ..."
No need for self deprecation here (its hard to beat out famous writers) Try something like
"I liked almost everything else, and Newman expressed it best when he said "to give undue prominence to one ..."
One day when I have the time and money, I'd love to travel. There are so many beautiful places in this world that I've only seen or read about. Experiencing them would be amazing. Traveling the world free of worry or care, stopping only to admire glorious nature. Who could ask for anything more? Certainly not Wordsworth, who writes that nature is "the pleasure which there is in life itself."5-
I understand how this ties into your pursuit of knowledge but i think a tie in to the rest of your paper. It stood out to me for some reason.
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Author: Nguyen, Anh
Subject: Re: Logical Passions
Hello
"College, however, moves so much faster meaning there's less time for me to become comfortable with people"
I don't think anything is wrong with this sentence but I'm giving you a suggestion to maybe make it flow better
"However, college moves so much faster, meaning there's less time for me to feel that comfortable barrier with others."
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Author: Nash, Debra
Subject: I had interests in almost everything, but it became evident early on
If the best leaders in this world "bring authenticity to the job," then that means you already define yourself as a leader. I don't believe that introversion necessarily hinders a person as a leader, because people tend to respect what introverts do say since it is rarer and often more thoughtful than someone who talks constantly, for example.
1)Anyways, the part about the personality switch intrigued me, and I was wondering if you could think about it more and at least speculate how it came about, developing the idea about moving around as military families do.
2) A couple fussy changes: in the sentence, "I had interests in almost everything, but it became evident early on that I excelled most in math," the adverb "most" is incorrectly used. It should either be "mostly," or "the most." Also, you left out the "d" in "and" in the sentence, "A good leader needs to be able to take charge of others an initiate contact."
-Debbie Nash
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Author: Berchiatti, Amber
Subject: It was fitting since I had always stood out of my teachers as being particularly bright anyways.
hey chris,
i liked your paper a lot. it was very original. an english major would never choose to write about math...haha. anyway, i really liked your paper, it was a different perspective, and it was very well written. the only mistake i found was in this sentence:
It was fitting since I had always stood out of my teachers as being particularly bright anyways.
i think you meant:
It was fitting since I had always stood out ((TO)) my teachers as being particularly bright anyways.
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Author: Brzozowski, Libby
Subject: Re: Logical Passions
Math is my favorite subject too, ever since I was in middle school. I am majoring in English and minoring in Math. Majoring in English was something I thought I would never do. Ironically, in high school, I did not take a single honors course in English, but I took all honors Math courses...Here are a sentence from your paper with a little grammar error: "I tended to focus my attention on things better suited to me." You should change "to me" to "for me." Also, change "I excelled most in math and the sciences" to "I excelled the most in math and sciences."