My Suggestions
To improve our papers, Bump made us review each others' work and give suggestions. These are the suggestions I made to my classmates.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: I LOOOVVEE HALLOWEEN!
Good paper! I like your aspirations to make a difference.
It's a little nit-picky, but the word Internet should be capitalized and Web site is generally spelled as two words with Web being capitalized.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: My Leadership Vision
I really liked your paper, and I agree with the rest of the class that the ear picture is just too funny!
"I learned that listening to a person's problems and concerns is the best way to lead them in the direction toward solving their problems that works best for them."
The last part of the sentence sounds redundant because you've already established that listening is the best medicine. I think if you just say "I learned that listening to a person's problems and concerns is the best way to lead them in the direction toward solving their problems" it would flow smoother.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: Leadership? eehhhh
I like your paper. It's a great relection of your personality.
One thing: In your paper you use numerals when you should be spelling the words out, e.g., "Fifth Avenue" instead of "5th Avenue" and "sixth grade" instead of "6th grade." In regards to "21st century," some style manuals prefer numerals while others prefer words. Since Bump seems like to the MLA and Chicago Manual of Style, I'd suggest changing it to "twenty-first century"
It's nit-picky, but you did a such great job that I couldn't find much else to comment on.
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: bedtime for Lauren
I really enjoyed your paper. Don't think you're being selfish. Breast cancer affects you personally, so you have every right to concern yourself with it.
I couldn't find much, but you wrote "1970's." The apostrophe is unnecessary; it should be "1970s."
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: aminals
I love your paper. It's great to see that you're so passionate about this issue that you're willing to do things even at great expense to yourself. The world needs more people like you.
You wrote that your "vision for an ideal future would be a world with less humans," but since humans are countable, the word "less" should be changed to "fewer."
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: Happy Halloween!
Self-conciousness has held me back from ever learning how to dance. One of these days I'm going to have to just let go. Until then, I'll enjoy your paper. :)
"For example, in the recent past I taught private lessons to a forty-seven year old well distinguished surgeon who wanted to learn the two-step in country western dancing."
"Forty-seven-year-old" should all be hyphenated. I also think "well distinguished" sounds strange. It'd sound better if you wrote: "I taught private lessons to a distinguished forty-seven-year-old surgeon ..."
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: Candy!
Great paper! Teaching is a tough job, and our society doesn't value teachers enough. It's why we don't have enough of them. Keep that enthusiasm; you'll be a great teacher.
"If this is the case, then students like those I have encountered may have a better chance at getting the proper attention and mentoring needed rather than tucked away to minimize disturbances or stress."
There's a word missing. You could say "rather than being tucked away."
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Author: Harrison, Christopher
Subject: Re: Pumkins last longer when they're darker
Awesome paper. I thought about studying abroad before, but I never had the courage to go through with it. I wish now that I had. It can be tough to let go of the things you know you have for something new and different, but if you're willing to take the risk you might find it's completely worth it.
"A goal, after the conclusion of my study abroad in Argentina is to figure out how to involve more students at this university in abroad programs."
I would change this just a bit. An extra couple of words and a comma can make a big difference. You could write: "A goal of mine, after the conclusion of my study abroad in Argentina, is to figure out ..."