Libby Brzozowski
Prof. Jerome Bump
Victorian Literature
17 October 2006
The Roots of My Passion
The passion of my life is definitely centered on discovering who God is and figuring out the purpose of the universe. I am driven by these questions because I have been feeling the mystery for a very long time, and I feel [1]
strongly that “it is a great and wonderful mystery to all of us that anything is or that we are.”[2] Whatever I end up doing for the rest of my life, I hope it is something that will help answer those two questions.
My passion, therefore, is satisfied by my decision to lead a holy life. I want to please God as much as possible so I can experience the greatest rewards of heaven and all of its treasures once I exit my life on earth. I believe there are many levels of paradise in heaven, and if possible, I want to exist in the highest level. In other words, I wish to have the front row ticket to heaven so that I may behold the best view of the holy face of God. Palm 27:4 truly expresses my inner desires: “One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.”[3]
As of now, the journey of my life has carried me to the discovery of my true self. In a nutshell, I have discovered that I am introverted, sensitive, gentle, intuitive, receptive, kind, caring, friendly, and loving. Basically my feminine energy (yin) overpowers my masculine energy (yang). But, I am not without yang energy. Probably the most important asset that I have is the drive to achieve my goals because of my fantastic dedication. If it was not for my motivation to succeed, I would not and could not be a student at The University of Texas at Austin. I truly believe that I am an overachiever, as evidence by the fact that I am in college.
There are five words that explain why I believe I am such a great overachieving, dedicated person: I have a learning disability. Yes, I am not ashamed to express that I have a learning disability. It is one of the few disabilities they call invisible, since you cannot easily spot a learning-disabled person like you can a physically-disabled person, such as a person who has to get around in a wheelchair or a person who is blind and needs a stick to feel around the world. It is frustrating for many people with invisible disabilities because they are seen as normal people with no handicaps and can be misjudged by people. For example, when a student with Attention Deficit Disorder does not join in class discussion that does not necessarily mean he was not paying attention to it. He just has a hard time concentrating and focusing, and therefore, cannot understand or keep up with everything that requires attention.
Since I did not realize that I had a learning disability, I thought for a very long time that everyone had to work as hard as I did to do well in school. Thanks to The University of Texas Learning Center, I had an interview with a Learning Specialist in which I talked about my difficulties in school, and afterwards, I took some mini screening assessments to see if there was any evidence of learning problems. After reviewing my answers, the center noticed problems with reading comprehension and spelling. The Learning Specialist then referred me to a psychologist for more extensive testing for a diagnosis. In March of 2003, I was diagnosed with Mixed Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder, which is characterized by difficulty with verbal expression and auditory processing skills. Since I did not have any strokes or head injuries, my type is developmental and not acquired. Another label for my disorder is aphasia.
Finally giving a
name to my struggles with school was an answer to my prayers. I could not
understand how so many students during my elementary, middle, and high school
years were catching on so quickly and keeping up with school work so easily,
and I was drowning in it. Other students were able to understand what the teachers
were teaching in class and able to begin their homework right away. Because I
hardly understood anything that was being taught in classes, I had to figure
out everything on my own at home. I could only do my homework after intensely
studying my lecture notes and textbook at my own pace. For exams I had to
review, review, and review to get things into my head because of my poor
memory. I remember rushing home after school to complete homework or study for
tests because I knew I would not finish until late at night. School was the
center of my life, and it had to be if I did not want to get behind and be
called a “slacker.” I had no friends but only acquaintances in class I would
talk with and be friendly to once in a while. I suspect that my disability
affected my social life because my disorder consists of problems with
communication and usage of language. I depended a lot on the support and love
from my Mom, Dad, and fraternal twin sister Tracy. I also have another sister,
Michelle, who is twelve years older than me 
and my twin, but she married
when we were only six years old.
On top of the struggles I had with school, I also experienced many [4] problems at home. Again, I am not afraid [5] to express that I grew up in a physically abusive home. My Mom was the physically abusive parent and wife, not my Dad. My Dad is actually very sensitive, gentle, nurturing, and he would not hurt a fly. My Dad, as well as myself and my sisters, have been victims of beatings from my Mom. I remember many times waking up late at night to the noise of my Mom yelling, screaming, and hitting my Dad. All that Tracy and I could do was close our bedroom door, plug our ears, and pray that it would stop.
My sisters and I
are not the only ones in my family who had it hard growing up at home. Both my
parents had it very hard during their childhoods. My Dad grew up very poor in Chicago, Illinois. Today, my [6]
Dad is afraid of rats because the house he grew up in had rats. My Dad told me
the story many times of how he would never go to bed without his dog Dukey. Dukey
would guard and protect him from the rats. He said that when Dukey killed the
rats, he would grab the rat by the neck and shake it to death. Then he would
hide the dead rat somewhere in the house. There would be dead rats all around
the house because he enjoyed hunting and killing them. His favorite place to
hide the rats was behind a garbage can in the bathroom. They discovered them
there one day because of the horrible smell.
In addition to
living poor, my Dad had conflicts with his parents. Problems at home included punishment
with a belt from his father and emotional abuse from his mother. His mother,
or my Grandma, was also a drunk, and my Dad experienced embarrassment many
times from my grandmother’s public display of her drunkenness. [7]
A story that sticks to my head is the one about how my Grandma was so drunk
that she had to be pushed back home in a baby buggy that was meant for my
dad’s baby brother, my uncle.
My Dad had learning problems himself. Though he was never diagnosed with a learning disability, he was placed in special education or a classroom for slow learners from elementary to middle school. I am still unclear about the special class that he had to be in. All that my father knows is that mean kids use to call this special class the “dummy’s room.”
My Mom, on the
other hand, grew up in Seoul, Korea and started off in a wealthy family. She said
that their house was a two-story house and was the largest in their neighborhood.
She was also the only kid in their [8]
neighborhood who owned a tricycle. They were wealthy because her father had a business
making sesame seed oil. Sesame seed oil is a very important product in Korea, so I can see why they were so wealthy. She said the sesame seed oil producing
machine was right in their house too. Things started to go bad when her father
became really sick and passed away when she was still very young. My Mom’s last
memories of her father include the time when he was sitting in a chair, paralyzed-like,
just watching her and her friends play with her dollhouse. After his passing,
her mother and brothers had to move into a smaller house. Since women could
not own businesses, her mother could not keep up with the sesame seed oil
production.
After the passing
of my Mom’s father, the worst loss occurred for her during the Korean War. She
and her youngest brother witnessed the death of their mother and their oldest
brother. They watched as their mother and brother got shot and killed by a
hovering helicopter. [9]
Right after their death, their nanny stole all of my Mom’s family birth
certificates 
and legal documents and sent her and her brother to different
orphanages. So my Mom spent most of her childhood growing up in a Catholic orphanage
with a name and birth certificate made up for her by the government. She also
has a brother out there whom she will probably never see again.
My Dad met my Mom in Korea when he was stationed there by the United States Army. He was drafted into the army right after he graduated from high school. He met her in 1968 through a friend who was going to marry a Korean woman, and that Korean woman knew my Mom. The couple then introduced my Mom to my Dad. So my Dad started to date my Mom, and the rest is history. My Dad retired from the army in 1988 and settled permanently in El Paso, Texas. Presently my Mom is a housewife and my Dad has two jobs, working at a warehouse for electronics full-time and as a part-time cashier for a restaurant. Sometimes I think all my effort in school is my way of trying to break the chain of my family curse. We have always struggled financially and my hope is that by having a college education, I will find a good job.
The reason for the details of my family’s history is to let people know that there are problems in America like poverty, domestic violence, and the personal struggles of individuals. And some problems that may seem like the fault of the individual, actually are not. For instance, it is incredibly difficult for my family and I to raise our status in the world because of our personal struggles and disabilities. Even though I must work harder than normal students in the academics, I am trying to raise my status by surpassing a simple life with just a high school diploma for a life of higher education. I sometimes find myself wondering why I even worked so hard in high school and why I am even in college. But when I begin to feel run-down by the struggles in my life, I turn my attention to pleasant things and try not to take anything for granted. Like, when I pass by flowers, I remember to smell them and when I walk outside, I remember to enjoy the warmth of the sun. If I did not focus on the positive aspects of life once in a while, I would not be in college today because I would be completely burnt-out just from high school.
I am not the only person in America who is facing great challenges in life. A person struggles when he has two or more jobs and just barely meets his budget every month. Or a person struggles when he must live out in the streets because life is better there than with his own parents. Each time I think about other people who are struggling even more than me, I begin to feel pity for them. I also feel disturbed because what if I was the person who lived out in the streets or what if I had to work two or more jobs to barely get by? I am not just feeling concerned about my life, I am feeling concerned for other people. If these situations are not good for me, then they are obviously not good for someone else. Why do I deserve to have a better life than someone else? I am positive that I am not a better than people less fortunate than me. Life is so unfair, and I truly believe that it would make such a difference if each person would forget himself and think about his neighbor at least one time.
The problem with our country and the world is with ordinary people that you see everyday, people who do not know or do not understand the lives of people less fortunate than themselves. To make life better for everyone, we have to be better to each other. If someone less fortunate than you becomes your neighbor, do not condemn them and/or give excuses why they do not deserve your kindness. Even if this person is an alcoholic, drug addict, and/or abuses his wife; you should not immediately judge them as worthless. After you have shown all the love and care you can possibly show to this individual and it has done nothing to help him, there is still one more thing you can do. You can always offer your prayers for that person, which is the best thing you can do for anyone. You could invoke higher power (or God’s help) to transform this person and/or to save him from himself. Remember, you should not ever turn your back on anyone because you do not want anyone to turn his back on you if you are in need of help. This includes friends and family, and not just strangers.
As a result, I
strive to be as understanding, helpful, and kind to others as possible, even to
those who do not appreciate me. Peace has to begin somewhere and I want it to
begin with me. My future hope for my life is to be able to serve God twenty-four
hours a 
day and seven days a week. I want either
to work for a Catholic community or to join a holy order. I do not want to
work for a Catholic community or join a holy order just to impress God. I am
trying to accomplish my goal of increasing peace and decreasing suffering
through the power of prayer. By being part of the Catholic community or holy order,
I would have the support, time, and focus [10]
I need to pray for the world. I believe prayer is the greatest weapon we have
against evil that exists in the world. It is incredible how such a simple
thing as prayer is so neglected. The more people who pray the more incredible
changes and miracles we would witness in the world. Since God did not give us
the power to control one another and we cannot force people to treat each other
better, we must ask God to intervene. And if it is according to God’s will, he
will bring peace to the world. He will transform the lives of many which would
have an affect on future events. He will save people lost in sin and bring
them to the light. He will also open the eyes of people who are blind by “the
fountains of vanity and ambition.”[11]
I believe many people walk the earth lost or in despair because of “the
refusal to realize the true self by devotion to the Eternal.”[12]
My mission in my life is to help all, and all who live on earth need help since we are all slaves to sin. I am simply following John Stuart Mill’s ideal of happiness: “Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind.”[13]
Total word count: 2,764
Quote word count: 104
Word count: 2,764 – 104 = 2,660
New word count: 367
Words deleted from P1A: 2,348 – (2,660 – 367) = 55
https://webspace.utexas.edu/libbyann/P1B.htm?uniq=hbvy5p