Cameron Project 2A

Anno-Alice : https://webspace.utexas.edu/mpython6/AnnoAlice/AnnoAlice.htm

            I'll start out by admitting that I’m not looking for a white rabbit, right now.  While sitting in the computer lab at the

U.G.L. trying to type out my project, I'm managing to maintain a casual

glancing relationship with this girl on the other side of the E row I’m toiling at.  As I make a list of who should be what

characters in my Alice parody, I catch her looking at me again.  Such a game is always played at the U.G.L., and I get pretty

tired of just letting the girls slide out the door without a word.  There is always a moment of sadness when a girl logs off and

 grabs her bag to go.  This particular girl is wearing the same white Tom Waits ‘Rain Dogs’ shirt I have back at home, so I know she is

cooler than most.  Now, she’s getting up in a hurry after hearing the buzzer signal it was three p.m.  I think for a split second

on the tragedy of letting another girl intimidate me into not saying hello, decide to lock my computer and follow her to ask

her if there is a chance we can talk about Mr. Waits sometime over a beer.

 Now, I have long legs but hers look like they go all the way up, and she is using them for all their worth.  Seeing her step into the

elevator, I don’t even notice that it is the one that has been out of order for the last month or so.  I try to jump in before the door closes

 only to be greeted by a tumbling sensation.  Tumbling down in a precarious manner that only falling down an elevator shaft can produce,

I brace myself for the two-story impact.  It doesn’t come.  I continue tumbling when my back pack catches some air in its flap and my

tumbling stabilizes into a general free fall.  Passing by shelves, maps, and pictures hung upon pegs I take a can of Schlitz off of

one shelf because if I’m gonna fall for a while I might as well have a beer, right?  Sadly, I find someone else put it there after they had

drained the life essence from it already.  So, I toss it into a trash can with a basketball hoop on top as I pass by it and, even though this is

my story, I miss and it lands on a rocking chair that had an Alf doll on it.[1] 

I’m starting to get really bored and dig in my pockets for my phone and play a few bad rounds of “Tetris” before

I thump down on a stack of old Austin Chronicles which slightly cushioned my fall but not by much.  “Now where is that girl?”

I think to myself and this is pretty much all the time.  I start to gaze around and realize I’m on the first floor of Parlin.  As I come

 to my senses I spot a flash of white and a bit of brunette going around the corner.  Since my advisor resides down the hall and

most of my classes have been in this building, I am all too familiar with it.  I jog towards the end of the hall and notice that no

one is around, which is curiouser and curiouser.  In my urgency to find the mystery girl I almost don’t notice the steady stream

of smoke coming from my advisor, Debbie’s, office.  I knock on the door and no one answers,  so I open it, preparing for the

worst.  I find a giant Caterpillar sitting in Debbie’s place. 

“What’s your EID?” is all he says.

“Are you allowed to smoke a hookah in the Parlin building?” I ask.

“What’s your EID?”                                        

“Um…can I hit that first?”

“What’s your EID? And no.”    

“Mpython6 and you don’t need to be so stingy.  I just came in to help because I thought there was a fire.”

“What is your major?”

“Well, I-I hardly know, Sir, just at the present—At least I know what it was when I got up this morning, but I think it must

have changed several times since then.”[2]

“I think you should be more serious about this, young man,” said the caterpillar.

"Well, how am I supposed to choose a major if you don't provide some guidance? Can't you tell me a class or two to take that might

make me more informed on what major is right for me?" I begged.

"You! Who are you?" asked the caterpillar while shooting smoke out the side of his mouth. 

    This whole interaction has proved fruitless and the Caterpillar is way too stingy for me to stick around anymore.

    I storm out of the office and down the hall after the girl once more because apparently a good girl is hard to find.  I hear

the caterpillar shouting after me, but I’ve read the book so I don’t need to go all the way back to hear the whole anger

management bit.  I could have stayed and eaten some of the mushroom that he was sitting on but I know better than to

do that stuff at school.  I try to find my way out through Calhoun since the

buildings are connected, but I just get confused by the lack of any coherent structure in this building.  To be honest, Calhoun reminds

 me of the final scene in Labyrinth where they run around an M.C. Escher drawing and you go everywhere and get nowhere.  I look up to find

an exit sign only to be greeted by a floating grin

in front of a stair case.  Slowly, the grin widens to a smile and a Cat appears above and around the smile.

“I had no idea there was a cat attached to that smile,” I say.

“Well, it had to be attached to something now didn’t it?” he purrs.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“Well you could go back the way you came but that seems to be counter productive.  However, if you only walk long enough

 you are sure to get somewhere.”

“Have you seen an attractive girl who is constantly checking her watch go by?  I have been chasing her around campus for a while now

 and I can't seem to catch her.”

The Cheshire cat shakes his head and says, “Wasting your time chasing girls will get you nowhere in this university, you know. 

Purrhaps[3] you should concentrate more on what you came here for.”

            “Don’t I know it.  Well I guess I really came to U.T. to get an education and graduate, in the end.  Can you tell me which way to

Graduation?  I fear I shall never find my final goal in this University Wonderland.”

            "All right.  If you go in that direction there is a Hatter and in that direction lives a Hare.  Visit either if you like. 

They’re both mad.”[4]

            "But I don't want to be among mad people.  They're all spooky and I break out in a rash like you wouldn't believe."

           "You think your among sane company right now?  A talking cat appears out of nowhere and you start talking to it.  You aren't really aware

 of how far you've gone down the crazy trail, are you?"

            "So, I should just run with the whole crazy thing, then?" I asked.

            "Yup."  

            I choose to go in the direction of the Hatter because I know he has the better parties.  I walk on for a bit until I come to Par 104. 

There was a door with a lock on it.  I try the door but to no avail so I look in the window to see, you know who,

Prof. Bump pouring tea for a wild haired student and a dozing one.  I knock on the

door but they can’t hear me.  A Tech guy from next door comes out to greet me in that special 'Oh-you-want-me-to-help-you' way only they can muster.

            “There’s no sort of use knocking and that for two reasons.  First, because I’m on the same side of the door as you

are: secondly, because they‘re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.”

            “But how am I to get in?” I ask rather plaintively.

            “Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know,” says the Tech guy.[5]

            “But I need this class to graduate!  Can’t you open the door so I can get my participation points for the day?  I already

 kissed a donkey and tried to eat Play-Doh to score points.  Isn’t there anything I can do?”

            “Man, I wish I could help but I’m apathetic,” whined the Tech guy.

I think for a moment on what I could do to bribe the gate keeper/key master wannabe, when I get a jolt of inspiration.

            “Hey, if you open the door for me there’s a hookah at the end of the hall you can go hit.  Just ask the Caterpillar,” I say

 in a sneaky fashion that deserved a cape, monocle, top hat and mustache twirling. I didn't have time to get the

costume on for full effect so I open the door and move a square forward.

I step into the room and the circular arrangement of tables stood full of tea cakes, pies, cups, saucers, and one cruelly placed

container of Play-Doh.  Prof. Bump is waving a hammer around and banging all the china

into unified shattered bits.  The wild haired student sees me as I enter and points at me in a fashion that makes me feel like

I borrowed his mother last year and still haven’t given her back.  As I expected, the sleeping student doesn’t wake at all and

probably wouldn’t until you said a keyword like “quiz” or “exam tomorrow.” 

            “No room! No room!” They cry, “The class is full!”

            “But there’s no one else here,” I state.

            Prof. Bump looks at me all wild-eyed and says, “Have some points.”

            “But there aren’t any to give me until I enter the class,” I huff.

            The wild haired student gazes on and nudges the sleepy student awake with his Volume One of the course packet.  At

this Sleepy gave a slight jolt and says, “Why is an albino squirrel like a discussion board?”

            “Come now.  I don’t think that could be too difficult.  Why is an albino squirrel like a message board?  I believe

I can guess that” I say.

            “You mean you think you can post that answer on the message board by two p.m.?” queries the wild haired student.

            “Exactly so,”  I counter.

            “Well then you should say what you mean” says the kid in need of a hair cut, some styling products, or a weed-whacker.

            “I do,” I hastily reply and because I’m a sucker for a good shtick, “at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same

thing, you know.”

            “Not the same thing a bit!” says Prof. Bump. “Why you might as well say ‘When I get drunk I get sick’ is the same as

‘When I get sick I get drunk’!”

            “Or you might as well say ‘when I get a penguin I am happy’ is the same as ‘when I’m happy I get a penguin’!” says the

 wild haired student.[6]

            “Now you’re just being silly.  I wish you would all be reasonable for a moment!  All I want is to get into this class so

I can graduate,” I shout a bit too loud.

            I hear the Caterpillar yell from down the hall, “Keep your temper!”[7]

            If I didn’t still want to find the girl from the computer lab so urgently I would have gone down there and smashed that damn

Caterpillar’s hookah and watched him cry for a while.  He lucked out this time and I leave Parlin Hall to continue my search for the

distracting beauty.  As I walk back towards the Tower I spot three UT custodians standing around the Tower looking rather panicked.  As I

approach they are trying to flip switches on a master lighting board as they argue.

            “I wasn’t the one who ordered the wrong color!” says Custodian number one.

            “Well, Custodian number three didn’t have to put them in without looking!” says custodian number two.

            “Hey, First of all; why are you calling me custodian number three when my name is Phil, and second I was told

 to put bulbs in, not examine them against a bunch of color swatches to make sure they were the right hue!” exclaims Phil.[8]

            “Excuse me,” I interrupt, “but why are you lighting up the Tower blue?”[9]

            At this they all turn and stare at me with the stare of three men who stare a lot.  That is a pretty mean stare, I’ll tell you

 right now.  As I stand there waiting for a reply I see my Waits-shirted girl sprint by on her way back to the U.G.L.  I back

away quickly from the stare to end all stares and sprint after her because I can't keep my head on my real goal of graduation for long.

 However, before I can catch up with her I’m stopped by two people on the west mall who won’t let me pass.

            “O Students, come and join our student organization!” the pamphleteer did beseech. “A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,

and all the free pizza you can eat.”

            “Would you like to join our club?

 Take a flyer, it’s nice.

 I wish you were not quite so deaf—

I’ve had to offer it twice!”[10]

            The Walrus and the Pamphleteer they stand in my way asking me to

believe in this, join that, donate here, and stop and chat.

  I have to get past them before I get stuck in their rhyming scheme because I’m a horrible poet.

            If all these distractions weren’t enough as I try to re-enter the U.G.L. for my, approaching stalker-like, goal of meeting the girl

of my computer lab dreams I am stopped by two Student government Reps who were running for election.  I contemplate just

faking them out and trying to run into the building but they just stand stock still.  They both have “Student Government,” on their

shirts while one of them has “Power” on his shirt the other has “Image.”  As I stare at them in wonder

 of their political strategies one of them speaks.  He had “Power” on his shirt.

            “If you think we’re candidates then you better vote, you know,” he says, “Candidates weren’t made to be looked at

for nothing. VoteNow!

            “Contrariwise,” adds the one marked “Image,” “if you think we are regular people, you ought to speak.”[11]

            “Yeah, like I don’t have enough to worry about on a daily basis.  Now, I have to think about which of the power grubbing,

resume boosting, do-gooders I want to be in charge of where my non-existent Bevo bucks are spent and not represent my issues to a

 deaf school board,” I said.

I push past them into the U.G.L. and realize that I have been chasing this girl all over campus and haven’t done a damn thing

with my project for senior seminar all day.  This was just like me to waste my time thinking about girls, never getting anywhere,

and not focusing on graduation.  I walk back to my computer which is still locked and go back to the task at hand, namely

working on my Senior Seminar Project and playing glancing games with girls I will never talk to.  I didn’t say I was completely reformed. 

Word Count 2,725

Works Cited

Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice.

1960. Ed. Martin Gardner. Definitive ed. New York: W.W. Norton,

     2000. Rpt. in The Annotated Alice.