Caleb paced around the neatly stacked piles of clothes in his bedroom while Jazzanova blared out of the small CD player in the corner, perilously perched atop a stack of t-shirts. The electronic beats fueled Caleb’s nervous—but rhythmic—pacing. Caleb usually took decisions lightly, but this decision was too important to dismiss. College meant everything to Caleb. He had never felt happy, or like he truly belonged, in one place. He switched high schools three times, moving from a public high school to a performing arts magnet program, and then finally to a small private school. Caleb longed to feel a connection to a place where he could grow in his own direction—outside the watchful eyes of his parents. College applications littered his bed and his desk. He had not given a lot of thought about where to go until now. The college advisor at his school made a few suggestions, most of which he did not like, and he had a general idea of where everyone else was going. The small details, such as letters of recommendation and transcripts, had seemed insignificant until now.[1] Unbeknownst to his parents, Caleb had accumulated savings in a small tin box with a combination code.[2] He started the fund to purchase a bike in the eighth grade before his parents surprised him with one. Now, Caleb had a generous amount to spend on his own list of “necessities” for college. Although he had long anticipated this opportunity to leave his home and painful adolescence behind, he never developed a plan of action. Depressed, Caleb sank into his chair.
Determined
not to transfer schools again, Caleb knew he needed a large place with a rich
intellectual life and challenging coursework.
He also needed a vibrant culture, one filled with music and theater, and
of course women. The university’s inscape,[3]
the feeling that pervaded its atmosphere, played a critical role in Caleb’s
decision making process. He threw aside
applications to smaller private schools; the student body of those campuses
would feel homogenous. Those schools
only admit a few token scholarship students, and everyone else would resemble
him: a member of the white middle class.
He needed a naturalistic setting and changefulness to satisfy his
disturbed imagination.[4]
Caleb
desperately longed for a place where he could fit in for the first time,
wherever that may be. He wanted to
navigate the campus property like his backyard, and savor the thrill of new
surroundings.[5] Tuition, price, and ranking mattered little
to Caleb; he needed a new life, nestled comfortably in the soothing whispers of
a
* * *
The rain accumulated in dark muddy puddles, flooding every passerby’s socks. Caleb could scarcely believe his freshman year was almost over. Sometimes he still felt like the little kid in his room, panicked and excited about applying to U.T. Now he was here, a year had passed, he still had no friends, he hated his classes, and he was drenched. Caleb hugged his backpack close to his chest, trying to keep his books dry as he waited for the Forty Acres bus to take him back to the dormitory. He hoped his roommate was gone. Sharing such a small space was difficult; he had no place to call his own.[8] As he eyed a nearby puddle, Caleb felt possessed by an urge to fling his books into the water and scream. Pent-up frustration felt ready to implode against the inner walls of his skin. Since the classes were not very difficult, Caleb grew bored with the material and consequently had made almost all C’s. Most of the time he ate and studied alone; occasionally he saw movies, but always alone. Loneliness permeated his existence at U.T. and penetrated every aspect of his life. Not that there were many aspects other than the movie theater and his classes, but they were lonely just the same.
Caleb
was flat out broke, and began looking for jobs to sustain him.[9] Dobie Mall Cinema hired him as a
cashier. The job
provided good pay and easy work, but since Dobie was usually slow,
meeting
people was difficult. Only a few other
people worked there, and they never went out.
One of the few perks he received was unlimited movies. Watching films became one of his favorite pastimes,
but he always watched movies alone.
Required texts and course syllabi disenchanted him. He began reading mythology, theology, and
philosophy on his own time. Half-price
books had a great selection and temporarily quelled his insatiable appetite for
knowledge. To make matters worse, he was
in love with someone who did not even know he existed. She was smart. He had seen her for the first time in Half-Price
books, and at a few of the art films in Dobie.
Her name was Johanna, and she was beautiful. 
She was usually with a date in the movies;
that was disheartening. Nonetheless, she
was a bright spot in Caleb’s day. He
looked forward to tearing her movie ticket, accepting her change, saying thank
you. Maybe she would remember that
exchange, that utterance. He did not
know much about Johanna, but Caleb was content to spend hours behind the cash
register dreaming about her. Even when
she sat inside the theater, Caleb was happy knowing Johanna was nearby. He drew great pleasure just knowing she was
within close proximity. The
consciousness of her living stimulated him.[10] Caleb knew nothing of her life, what drew her
to books or to films, or the people who were important to her. He only knew that he loved her more perfectly
than a man had ever loved a woman, and he began working extra shifts in the
hopes of seeing her again.
Meanwhile,
though he had been unsuccessful in establishing meaningful relationships with other
people, the buildings of U.T. began to create a deep sense of belonging. When he walked home from work late at night,
the campus was void of people and sound.
The buildings belonged expressly to him,
enveloped in the cool quiet. The quotes
engraved upon the buildings spoke only to him as he strolled beneath the light
reflected off the smooth surfaces of these buildings. He found comfort in the sagging corners and
cracking sidewalks. Out of sorts with
the intellectual and social life that suffused U.T. campus, he found solace in
the weight and constancy of the tower, Parlin, Mezes, and Batts. They rooted him in an otherwise evanescent
world.[11] Upon
reflection, Caleb felt bitterly disappointed with his experiences thus far at U.T.,
especially his coursework. Original
aspirations of reshaping his worldview through studies had faded into empty,
borderline insane conversations with aging buildings, countless films, and
dreams of a strange girl. He felt a sense
of inconsistency between his former dogmas and his present practice...hardly a
shred of the beliefs with which he had first gone up to U.T. now remained with
him.[12] Philosophical and religious studies had taken
a backseat to his visions of Johanna, the strange girl in Half-Price
Books.
Caleb
shuffled his converse shoes as he trudged through the rain (again) to work. He was so confused. Here he was, enrolled in class, but working
in a movie theater and neglecting his assigned texts for more interesting
reading. Insomnia had recently settled
in, making the daylight unforgiving and unwelcome. His roommate was a slob, invading the only
place he could claim as his own—half of a dorm room. He was hopelessly in love, so much so that
concentration was becoming difficult, and he had no one to talk to. What was he doing here? He went to college because that was the next
step.[13] That was what his school and his parents
expected. But what good was it doing him
now? Ensconced in this bruised cocoon of
depression, Caleb trudged to work. He
did not feel like working today. The
only thing that would improve his night and his mood would be for Johanna to
appear at Dobie Cinema again tonight.
Feeling particularly brave, or maybe particularly desperate, he decided
to speak with her if she should purchase a ticket. That decision made, Caleb quickened his step
from Jester to Dobie. He even smiled a
little.
The
work shift was slow. It was a Tuesday
night, and no one wanted to see a movie in the middle of the week. Caleb thought the rain would improve the pace,
but he was wrong. It was almost
“Hi, I would like one ticket to I Heart Huckabee’s please.”
Johanna appeared calm and unruffled by the encounter, while Caleb’s palms sweated profusely and he temporarily forgot how to use the cash register.
“Is everything OK?” Johanna leaned over the counter, close enough so that Caleb could smell the mint on her breath and the citrus perfume she always wore. By the grace of he knew not what, confidence seized Caleb by the shoulders and squared them as he spoke.
“Oh, since it’s slow around here I was just about to go watch that movie. I can let you in for free if you want.”
Genius! Caleb had not thought of offering her a free ticket! Well-pleased with himself, he smiled bravely at her. Luckily, he had worn that polo that brought out the blue in his eyes.
“Oh sure! That would be great!” Johanna linked arms with him as Caleb walked around the edge of the counter to join her. Caleb felt excited, unaware of the heartache that would later befall him.[14] He had no idea Johanna was engaged with someone else, and blithely followed her into the theater. The movie passed in bliss. Caleb invited Johanna to his favorite spot on campus, the courtyard outside the architecture building, to further discuss existentialism. He was so excited to finally find someone interested in the same films and topics, and she was attractive! But his hope was squashed as fatally as a size eleven shoe smashes a mosquito. The blood of his heart seemed to leak everywhere as Johanna uttered her good-byes.
“Caleb, I had a really great time tonight, and I enjoyed the film a lot. I would love to talk more about existentialism, especially about the detective, but I can’t. I came here alone tonight because I was hoping I would get to talk to you, but the truth is that I have a boyfriend. He’s older than me; I am a freshman, and he graduated several years ago. But he is the jealous type, and I am sorry, but I cannot accompany you to the courtyard.” Johanna bit her bottom lip so hard it turned white. She wanted to go with Caleb badly, but if her boyfriend found out he would be furious. Breaking up with her boyfriend was impossible; she had tried that several times, but he always ended up back in her life. He was too old for her. She was not ready for the commitment he wanted from her, but he was comfortable and safe. Sadly, she turned away to leave and walk back to Kinsolving.
Johanna’s heart felt heavy with regret as she turned away from Caleb. He was so attractive and sweet. He even offered her a free movie ticket! The last time she went to the movies with her boyfriend, she had to pay her own way. Once they were seated in the theater, her boyfriend accused her of flirting with Caleb at the cash register and he walked out. Johanna sat in stunned silence and watched the rest of the movie. She’d had to call her roommate to pick her up because she did not want to walk home in the dark. Of course, he called the next day, apologized profusely, and brought her flowers. Her boyfriend was also too old for her. Her parents did not approve, but they did not approve of anything that she did.[15] Their opinion was not very important to her. Her parents did not even support her financially. She received grants and loans, and her boyfriend usually covered whatever she could not afford. But of course, this generosity was subject to the whim of his constantly changing mood.
Lately dating her boyfriend felt like walking on eggshells. She never knew what would make him angry, and it always seemed like it was her fault. Constant bickering and fighting was exhausting. Johanna sighed audibly and paused in thought. She wanted desperately to talk to Caleb, to ask him questions about films and books, to listen to his voice. Caleb had a soft voice and a sensitive nature that she did not sense in anyone else. She knew he would listen to her thoughts and value her intellectual capabilities—unlike her current boyfriend. Her shoulders sagged as she slowly forced herself to put one foot in front of the other. She concentrated on every crack in the sidewalk to avoid crying. She felt so isolated from the rest of the college campus. Parties, new girlfriends, and dating other people were all college experiences unknown to her. Even though she was unhappy in her relationship, Johanna did not feel like she had any other options. Her family rarely corresponded with her and she had no friends. What would she do without her boyfriend? Who would take care of her? Who would watch her when she was ill and help her with her homework? Sadly, she knew she was dependent on him and needed him—she needed his security. Due to all of her A.P. credits, she would graduate a year early and her boyfriend was already speaking of marriage. He was the safest thing she had. Even though Johanna could rationalize her relationship, she could not overcome her strong urge to turn around and run to Caleb. She stopped walking and looked over her shoulder.
Caleb’s hopes soared when their eyes met. He faltered in his next sentence. “Well, you know where to find me.” Johanna turned around and continued walking; her thin frame was merely an outline beneath the fluorescence of the campus security lights. Caleb watched her disappear, and then walked home glumly. The only hope he had clung to throughout the months of his new meager existence was the vision of Johanna. Now he had nothing. Class tomorrow, or work for that matter, was out of the question. He called in sick to work and avoided the Kinsolving dining hall, where he previously dined in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Johanna and her thick brown braids.[16] Instead of walking his usual paths around UT, Caleb chose alternate routes to avoid seeing Johanna. He avoided the 40 acres bus, the Dobie mall, and even the architecture courtyard, his favorite meditation spot. So she had a boyfriend! So what! Clearly he would treat her better than any so-called boyfriend.
Hours
later, locked away in Jester dormitory, Caleb related the story to his
roommate. His roommate, Jake, seized a
bottle of Jack Daniels from his closet and told 
him
to forget about Johanna. Together, they
played computer games and passed the bottle between them. Each swig made Caleb grow more
impassioned. He berated his life,
criticized Johanna’s boyfriend, and lamented that it would be improper to
pursue her with that knowledge.[17] Life was empty without the thought and the
hope of Johanna. Now everything had been
taken from him. He had no desire to
work, read, eat, or sleep. He needed to
love Johanna, even if she did not love him.
It was crucial to his existence.
The thought of her gave him the inspiration to continue his otherwise pointless
and transient life.
Jake had no grasp of the Caleb’s despair. He was quite content with his life. The desire to learn did not burden Jake. Pledging the fraternity, playing computer games, and drinking excessively consumed the majority of Jake’s time. Seizing the bottle, Jake snorted. “Who cares if she has a boyfriend? If she really loved him, she wouldn’t have come to the movies to see you in the first place! Why don’t you just go after her? Who cares about the stupid boyfriend?” Jake passed Caleb the whisky.
Caleb pondered this view for a moment before taking several shots. “The entire situation is impossible. I have to respect her previous relationship and resign myself to loving her from a distance. That is the only solution of the moment. But I will have to get a new job. I can’t work at Dobie anymore, always hoping to see her face day after day. I’ll have to find a new place. A new job or maybe I should transfer schools. This place never fully accepted me anyway. I can’t tell my parents. They warned me to stay away from girls and focus on my studies. If they only knew... ”
Caleb took a long hard drink of whisky and savored the hot liquid burning his esophagus.
Jake
looked concerned for a split second.
“Hey, chill out man, it’s not like you were actually dating anyway. Maybe you should go talk to someone in the
Caleb
sighed half-heartedly, slid the glass door open, and walked onto their small
balcony overlooking the 
As he reached into his pocket for a cigarette,
Caleb saw a colored scarf that looked like Johanna’s in the distance. Distracted, he leaned over the railing. Maybe if he could just see her one more
time... He just wanted to see her clear brown eyes and silky brown hair wrapped
in the scarf she always wore. He wanted
to succumb to the magical power of her lilting voice, maybe brush her
hand. Leaning further over the balcony,
Caleb lifted his hand to wave. The
whisky caught him off balance, and suddenly Caleb plummeted over the edge of
the railing.
Word Count: 3,225