My Comments on Others' P1A

Raj-

Interesting story.
As far as a sentence goes this one seems a little awkward to me:
As we walk I come to realize that, aside from the tower behind us, there are no buildings anywhere and I can easily see into the distance.
Maybe instead:
As we walk I come to realize that I can easily see into the distance. Aside from the tower behind us, there are no buildings anywhere.

 

As far as expansion goes The university involvement in Joyce's life isn't really clear to me. The other thing was that the story seemed to end a little abruptly. Perhaps you could extend the ending a bit.

Good Luck!
-Mali

Kristin-

Sentence: “Please speak up. I am hard of hearing in this ear,” he said as he pointed to his ear.
I don't think "as he pointed to his ear" is really neccessary unless you are going to specify which ear. He said is adequate for indicating the speaker.

 

Expand: There's really not much to put here. Maybe you could describe Dr. Johnson's appearance a bit more?

Good Luck!
-Mali

Hi Heather,

The sentence "I recognized it from an earlier course in Medieval literature" to me seems to imply that you have already mentioned a current class you are taking (earlier than what). Maybe you could say something like: I recognized it from a course I had taken in Medieval literature.

 

For editing/expansion, I think what you have listed at the bottom of your story for things to expand upon is just fine. As far as editing I think the long Gardner quotes bog your story down. Perhaps consider breaking them down a little or not using so many large ones.

Good Project!
-Mali

Brandi-

Sentence: "I though college was for education, not politics." Just a small typo change though to thought.

Expansion: Maybe describe the outside of Balliol more, or add some pictures to help readers picture it.

Nice project,
-Mali

Ashley-

Sentence: . Being in a chapel that measured 289 feet long, 94 feet high, and 40 feet high combined with seeing works of art and architecture that I had only read about in books made me feel very overwhelmed, especially since I was being taken on a tour by the great minds who had the opportunity to attend school here.

This is a very long sentence. It may read a little easier if you break it down.

Expansion: The transition between talking about the project and coming into contact with Virginia isn't very clear. I found myself wondering how you had just boarded a ship and ended up back in time. Maybe you could add to the transition to make it flow a little better.

Good Luck!
-Mali

Allison-

Sentence:While it’s easy to explain your own experiences to someone like you, it is more difficult to translate these ideas to someone from another culture.
It could be just me but "to someone like you" makes the reader think you are directing comment towards them. Maybe "to someone who is like you."

Expansion: perhaps you could describe the university he sttended in more detail.

Good Luck!
-Mali

Jenny-

Sentence: I lost grip of her hand as the light dissipated and the icy sensation completely surrounded me.

"the icy sensation" reads funny b/c you haven't mentioned it before... maybe you could say "..and an icy.."

expansion: If you wanted to expand maybe you could describe Kings College and Cambridge a bit more.

Good Luck!
-Mali

Cameron-

Sentence: I must admit that I don't know of much else in England of the works of man which I would not make haste to destroy if the opportunity occurred. This sentence is a little unclear.

Expansion: If you wanted to add more maybe you go go into more of how the university affected his work.

Nice Project!
-Mali

Rachel-

Sentence: I asked the sort of questions one would ask if trying to get to know someone on this level and all the responses were quite meager. The "this level" part isn't exactly clear to me. Maybe clarify this section. Perhaps you mean on "his level"?

Expansion: More description of the college would help in getting a mental picture in the beginning of your story.

The Narnia idea was very original and fun to read.

Good Luck!
-Mali

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