My Comments on Others' P2A

Rachel-

sentence:
I had intern done a lot of learning by my self.

Just a small correction: intern should be in turn, possibly myself instead of my self.

expansion: I like the scene where you meet the mouse. Perhaps if you wanted to expand you could add some more to that section.

Good Luck!
-Mali

Jessica-

Sentence:
I went to class, completed my assignments, learned that there are rarely fixed answers to questions, and now I feel more at home on the campus.

"and now I feel more at home on campus" seems to not fit with the rest of teh sentence. Perhaps it could stand on its own as a seperate sentence.

Expansion:
When you are in the library and suddenly decide to change your major from nursing to english, perhaps you could elaborate on this change.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Amy-

Sentence:
Just a small error-Jeff seesthis as the perfect opportunity to pick up his life where he left off, auctions his furnishings, and goes to Austin.
Need a space between "sees" and "this."

Expansion:
I know the set up really isn't the bulk of the story, but the beginning felt a bit rushed to me. Maybe you could draw it out a little bit and elaborate on his life before leaving to Austin.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Taylor-

Sentence:
When Alice finally got into the stadium she walked out toward the stadium seats and saw before her a celebration among the fans and a game of football taken place on the field.

Taken should be taking in this sentence.

Expansion:
It might be fun to include yourself in the pond scene where alice meets the class. Maybe you could expand this scene by talking more about what the class is doing.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Nicole-

Sentence:
It was fantastic to be back in Paris and the countryside, but I am tired and disappointed with my failure.

The rest of the paragraph is in present tense, to me was reads a little awkwardly with the rest of the paragraph.

The beginning seems a little lengthy to me. Perhaps you could shorten the intro and move right into the "dream" a bit sooner.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Megan-

Sentence:
Aha! I thought for I had seen the sun reflecting off the shiny glass lenses of a tiny pair of spectacles.

This sentence needs a comma after "I thought".

The deceased and decaying calf was there, too, just floating downstream in an inner tube that someone had loaned it for the time being!

Is this sentence refering to something? When I came across it it confused me. I had no idea how this fit in to the story.

Expansion:
Maybe you could elaborate on the dollhouse scene a bit more. I was confused as to what the dollhouse stood for until the landlady arrived. I'm assuming this is a reference to living in apartments in college. I was confused when one of the dolls room contents ended up on the table. when and why did this happen?

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Jessica Ray-

Sentence:
Most kids have these types of thoughts as they leave the ones that they love behind; they focus on the little things so not to be too homesick.

The second part of the sentence reads a little strangely. Maybe it could say "so as not..." or " so they wont be.."

Trust me you will get accosted by at least one a day.”

This sentence needs a "them" between by and at.

The Tea Party scene seems a little long. Maybe you could cut some of that scene and add another relating to a different college situation.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Emily-

Sentence:
of the small CD player in the corner, perilously atop a stack of t-shirts.

This sentence needs a verb after perilously. Maybe "perched" or "set" etc.

Johanna appeared calm and unruffled by our encounter, while Caleb’s palms sweated profusely and he temporarily forgot how to use the cash register.

Our seems like it should be their in this sentence.

Some of the quotes seem to bog down the story. Maybe you could shorten the longer ones, or maybe only use peices of them. Some of them also seem to disrupt the flow of the story. Maybe you could use the idea of the quote (not the quote word for word) and incorporate it into the story. You could still site this in your footnotes as a reference to a particular part in the novel.

Good Luck!
-Mali

 Andrew-

Sentence:
What I discovered was a world completely foreign to the one I had existed in for that entire morning, at least.

This sentence reads a litle strangely. Maybe it needs a needs a comma after in?

Expansion:
Maybe you could elaborate on the ending a bit. The rest of the story has lots of detail but the ending is summed up in a short paragraph.

Good Luck!
-Mali

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