I was walking around campus one day when the albino squirrel
sauntered past me! IÕd always
heard stories about this squirrel, but IÕd never seen it before this day. I chased it up the South Mall and
around the steps leading up to the Tower, but as I approached the door to the
Main Building, the albino squirrel, quick as a wink, scurried in through the
front door![I]
Not to be
deterred from my goal of getting a snapshot of the little devil for my
portfolio, I quickly followed through the double doors only to find myself
tripping into a dizzying downward drop just beyond the threshold!
Down and down I dropped until I fell into a raging river[II]
of roaring rapids that looked oddly familiar, like the one IÕd nearly drowned
in on a trip to New Braunfels.
All of my friends were in this river, calling out to me and trying to
recover my camera as it swam ahead of me.
A deceased and decaying calf was there, too, just floating downstream in
an inner tube that someone had loaned it for the time being!
As
I got out of the river I saw that crazy squirrel darting here and there,
calling out to me that heÕd forgotten his glasses and couldnÕt see where he is
going. ÒCould you run over to
Littlefield Home and fetch them for me, dear? I must be on my way, on my way, on my way!Ó
ÒBut
where shall I find you when I am able to bring them to you?Ó I asked, anxious
to help and hoping still to get that photograph. An albino squirrel with glasses! Now that would be worth a fortune, or at least the cost of
my student loans!
ÒIÕll be late for my meeting with the Landlady if IÕm not careful. Bring my glasses to the LandladyÕs home.Ó
ÒBut
wherever will I find that?Ó I called to him, but he was already gone.[III]
I
wandered about campus until I came to an old Victorian home and the sign
outside of it said ÒLittlefield Home.Ó
I
was wondering how I could possibly get in when I saw someone with a group of
students walk up and utter magic words into the intercom: ÒHello! IÕm here with
my class. Mr. Whatsit set it up. Carole said it was okay.Ó I said Mr. Whatsit because I could not
tell what this professor was saying at that point. Regardless, the door unlocked, and I slipped in with the
rest of the students.
The
large rooms were beautiful and fascinating, but there were no glasses to be
found. I broke away from the group
and crept upstairs to look around.
There were even more rooms!
Where would I find those pesky glasses? ÒAha!Ó I thought, for I had seen the sun reflecting off the
shiny glass lenses of a tiny pair of spectacles. I grabbed them and started back down the hallway when, all
of a sudden, a large lady was staring me in the face.
ÒWhat
are you doing?Ó she asked me.
ÒDonÕt you know the upstairs is off limits? YouÕre going to have to come with me to be searched. IÕm sorry. It will only take a minute.Ó
Well,
I didnÕt have a minute, and I certainly didnÕt want to be searched. Imagine the questions people would ask
if they found me holding onto a very small pair of glasses! Who would believe that they belonged to
the albino squirrel?
I
sprinted to the window and looked outside. The class I had snuck in with was now sprawled out on the
lawn. To my right, however, a
large pine tree extended its branches in my general direction. Looking back for only a moment and
seeing the large woman coming after me, I threw up the window and leaped onto
the roof. Before Ms. IÕm-In-Charge
could get to the window, I had jumped out and grabbed hold of the branch, swung
myself around it and started making my way to the trunk so I could climb
down. At this point, I was very
thankful for all the years I spent in gymnastics. Otherwise, IÕd have never made it.
Once
I hit the ground, I ran like crazy until my asthma started acting up and I
passed out on the soft grass. When
I awoke, I realized that I was just by the turtle pond! A longtime favorite place on campus, as
much for the adorable little turtles as for anything else, I knew I could seek
solace from the tumultuous river over by the pond. It was here that I saw my advisor sitting by the
pond. ÒHello there,Ó I said.
ÒWho
are you?Ó[IV]
he asked.
ÒIÕm
Megan Patterson. IÕm an English
student.Ó
ÒCanÕt
you see IÕm meditating in the open air near the pond? What is the matter with you?Ó
Wow!
I know what youÕre thinking: ÒHow rude can he get?Ó Am I right? I
was just trying to be friendly, after all. HeÕs not usually so testy. ÒTerribly sorry, I didnÕt mean to interrupt. I was just wonderingÑÓ
ÒCuriosity
killed the cat,Ó he said matter-of-factly.
ÒWho
said anything about cats?Ó
ÒNevermind
about that! YouÕre wondering and
wondering only leads to trouble.
What is it you want?Ó
ÒI
was only wondering which senior seminar I should take, sir.Ó
ÒThe
choices are many. The decision is
one. It wonÕt be easy, but one
class will make you crazy, the others will leave you sane.Ó[V]
ÒBut
how am I to know the difference? I
have come to you for advice!
YouÕre my advisor! Advise
me!Ó
ÒI
will not be bothered by you any longer.
Good day!Ó And with that,
he drifted into a state of mind where no one could reach him, even if he wanted
to be reached, which, by the way, he most decidedly did not.
I
started walking toward the U.G.L so I could check on my schedule and figure out
what exactly was going on, but as I made my way there, I ran into my roommate
from freshman year, Rachel.
ÒWhat
are you doing here? I thought you
graduated early and took off for France!Ó
ÒIf
everybody minded their own business,Ó she said, Òthe world would go round a
deal faster than it does.Ó[VI]
ÒWell,
that would be just great. As if I
donÕt already have too much to do!
Talking of shortening days!
Rachel, youÕll be the end of me with ideas like that!Ó
ÒSo
be it.Ó
ÒYouÕre
acting rather strange, Rach. IÕve
got to tell you, things are really weird around here lately.Ó
ÒNot
at all. IÕm not acting a bit. Things are as normal as can be. You are full of nonsense!Ó
ÒThen
why are you leading around a very large longhorn steer?Ó I asked, for she was
holding a lead rope to just such an animal.
ÒHe
is just as much a part of me as he is anyone else here! Why shouldnÕt I be leading around a
very large longhorn steer? That is
the real question.Ó
No
sooner had she said it than the poor captive broke loose from RachelÕs grip and
thatÕs when I decided to leave, too.
People were not making any sense, and they were quite rude at that!
I
wandered down around the South Mall again, hoping for some direction, some
sense of purpose. The only thing
that made sense so far was that nothing was making sense. Everything had been strange since I
went through the doors of the Main Building earlier today. ÒIs it still today?Ó I wondered. I just couldnÕt tell.
I
sat down to ponder these questions that I have and to think for a bit when all
of a sudden, the longhorn steer that Rachel had been holding appeared before
me. It was the strangest thing
because I did not see him or hear him approach, and youÕd think that a longhorn
would make more noise.[VII]
ÒOh,
Mr. Longhorn, could you perhaps help me a bit? IÕm ever so confused.
I donÕt know where IÕm going or why IÕm headed there. Could you help me find my way?Ó
ÒThat
depends a good deal on where you want to get to,Ó said the longhorn.
ÒI
donÕt much care whereÑÓ I started.
ÒThen
it doesnÕt matter which way you go,Ó said the longhorn.
ÒÑso
long as I get somewhere,Ó I finished.
ÒWell,
in that direction,Ó he said shuffling his left hoof, Òyou will find fountains
and classrooms and all sorts of interesting friends. In that direction,Ó he said, now kicking out his right hoof,
Òis The Dollhouse. Go either
way. It doesnÕt matter which you
choose. Each way will somehow
drive you nuts.Ó
ÒI
donÕt want to be driven nuts!Ó
ÒIÕm
afraid itÕs no use wanting things to be different from the way they are. Everyone here is just a little crazy,
and means for you to be, too! Will
you be playing tag with the Landlady today?Ó
ÒI
should very much like to. I
havenÕt played tag in a ridiculously long time.Ó
ÒI
will be playing, too,Ó he said and then vanished as quickly and mysteriously as
he had appeared.[VIII]
Now,
I didnÕt think too hard about an animal having talked to me at the time. After all, I had the glasses of the
albino squirrel to deliver at his request.
Off I went in the direction of the Dollhouse because a dollhouse seemed to be more inviting than classrooms would be and I could hardly wait to see what was going on there.
Upon
arriving at the Dollhouse, I found that there were already some visitors
inside. I recognized them as being
students from the campus I had just visited, though I cannot say I knew them
all that well.[IX]
ÒNo
room! No room!Ó one of the visitors said.
ÒWe have no room!Ó
ÒYou
have plenty of room, surely, for me to sit down in here a while. ItÕs such a charming little house,Ó I
said, seating myself in on a zebra-print futon. It was then I realized that these ÒvisitorsÓ werenÕt
visitors at all. They lived there!
ÒTake
some of the cake!Ó the smallest doll said. She seemed to be in charge of the whole operation.
ÒBut
there is no cake. I cannot see any
at all.Ó
ÒYouÕre
right! There is no cake. None at
all to be had!Ó
ÒThen
whyÕd you offer it to me?Ó[X]
My
question was not answered, however, because one of the other dolls shouted out
Òchange places!Ó
ÒChange
places? What on earth do you
mean?Ó I asked.
ÒChange
places!Ó she said again, and all the other dolls began collecting their things
from one room and dumping them into another.[XI]
I
myself just moved from the futon to the sofa and watched the chaos as it
happened.
ÒThere!Ó
said the second doll. ÒNow
everything is much better.Ó
Though
she said it was with a great deal of satisfaction, I donÕt see how it could be
better, for all of her things, which were once in a bedroom the size of a
closet, were now spread out all over the dining room with her mattress upon the
kitchen table!
ÒWhat
day is today?Ó asked the smallest doll.
ÒI
believe it is the fourteenth,Ó I said.
ÒWell,
our clock is wrong. Did any one of you set it ahead for Daylight Spending
Time?Ó she asked the other dolls.
ÒNo,Ó
they replied. ÒThough you might ask Dory.
She tends to do such things.Ó
I
turned in my seat and saw whom they must be taking about, for another doll had
just walked into the house.
ÒDory,
did you fix the clocks? Or the
calendars?Ó
ÒNo,
I did not. Your clock is
broken. Have you any bandages for
me to wrap around it?Ó[XII]
ÒWhy
no, no I do not. You do not use
bandages to fix a clock!Ó
ÒOh,
yes you do! You use bandages to
fix everything!Ó
ÒNo!
ItÕs marmalade! Marmalade, I say!Ó
ÒHave
you checked the battery?Ó I asked.
It was no use. They looked
at me like I was from Mars and went back to arguing.
They
went on with this babbling for quite a while until, once again, doll number two
shouted out above the crowd: ÒCHANGE PLACES!Ó
As
the dolls started to lift the sofa and cram it into a closet, I scrambled out
of there before I had to figure out just where it was that I was to go!
I
ran out as fast as I could and happened upon a large park with a bank of
telephones and answering machines.
ÒThis
is odd!Ó I thought aloud.
ÒWhatever could be the reason for this?Ó
Just then,
a telephone began to ring and who should appear but the albino squirrel! He didnÕt pick up the phone, though, and
I was desperately trying to dig my camera out of my bag, so the call went to
one of the answering machines.
ÒHello!Ó
said the voice on the answering machine.
ÒThis is The Landlady. I am
calling for whoever is nearby the phone.
Tag! YouÕre it!Ó And then
she hung up!
ÒThe
albino squirrel quickly picked up a phone and dialed a number and just as
quickly said Òhello Landlady! IÕm
calling because you tagged me and it is time for you to be tagged back! Also,
the plumbing is backed up over at the Dollhouse. If you could fix that for the dolls, that would be
wonderful. Oh, and youÕre it!Ó[XIII]
Strange
game, isnÕt it? Well, it didnÕt go
on for too much longer because the Landlady showed up, shouting and carrying on
as if something terrible had happened.
ÒOff
with their heads! Drain their
deposit! What is going on here?Ó
The
dolls suddenly appeared behind her and were pleading their case.
ÒIt
isnÕt our fault!Ó they cried. ÒWe
didnÕt do anything to cause problems!
We donÕt know why things are messing up!Ó[XIV]
ÒIf
I send the plumber out here and he says you could have used a plunger, IÕm
going to take it out of your deposit!Ó
ÒNo
Landlady, your Grace, please donÕt take our deposit! You canÕt!Ó
ÒI
most certainly can! And I will!Ó
ÒBut
we need that money to come back to us! WeÕve done nothing wrong!Ó
As quick as a wink, I was out of the park. I couldnÕt stand it there much longer!
The bickering didnÕt look like it would stop, so I hopped a bus back to
campus. When I got off, thousands
of people dressed in burnt orange were headed into the stadium. I decided I should investigate the
situation.
I
meandered through the crowds and bypassed the crazy ticket checkers by sneaking
in with a large and obnoxious group.
Once inside the stadium, I saw a game in progress out on the field. To my surprise, the Longhorns werenÕt
doing very well. I checked to see
who we were playing and it was O.U.!
We never play Oklahoma anywhere but in Dallas, so I was really confused
about what Sooners were doing in Longhorn territory. It did, however, explain the pathetic score.
What
I saw next upset me more than anything else during the day. Longhorn fans were leaving the stadium,
complaining about the lackluster performance. This was not unusual for a match of Texas and Oklahoma. It was just sad that our fans were
demonstrating their fair-weather tendencies. I climbed to the top of the bleachers in the student section
and yelled at the top of my lungs: ÒSTOP!!!Ó
Everyone
froze in their tracks and then slowly turned to meet my gaze. I just looked out and, one more
time, yelled to the crowd: ÒYOU
ROTTEN, YELLOW-BELLIED JERKS! SIT
BACK DOWN AND WATCH THE GAME! YOU
COULDNÕT PLAY ANY BETTER THAN THESE GUYS, YOU PATHETIC PACK OF WOLVES!Ó
The
crowd just laughed at me and proceeded to the nearest exit with as much speed
as you would expect to see from those escaping a fire.
This was almost too much for me to take! I had to stop the madness so I ran
away, back toward the Tower and up to the Main Building. I walked up to the doors, threw them
open, and jumped through them.
Sure enough, the feeling of falling woke me from my dream and I was back
in my cozy bed, with no one to bother me but my alarm.[XV] I snuggled down deeper into my pile of
blankets. Then I happily fell back
asleep.
