Project 1A: My Suggestions to Others

Eleanore Knox

I stood aghast with my mouth gaping.  The crowd of campus reappeared around me as the intense beans of the sun poured down and the heat rose from the concrete.

I really like the paper!! I think there are a few grammar problems just from when you revised and accidentally left words in, like "who I would be eating dinner with in a few days later", but those aren't a big deal.  The ideas and concepts are great-- I loved your imagery, especially when you met Richards for the first time,  and I thought you incorporated some really interesting facts that made her come alive to the reader, like her "chopper". 

Susan Shaffer

Except for a few long students walking hastily to and from engagements and meetings, the usually crowded paths and common areas were deserted--It might just be personal opinion, but I left like "hastily" and "busy" both had the same meeting.  I think restructuring the sentence might make it clearer.

You are amazing with imagery-- I loved how you appealed to all of the senses, not just one, and how you took the reader to so many places at UT.  I really felt the connection to UT through your travels.  I also like how you give yourself a purpose at UT at the end of your paper- it really relates to the themes of the course.  Maybe you could expand on the purpose to make the ending not as abrupt.  Great job!!!

Thomas Lopez

"Plan II is a program for sudents with similar desires that may manifest in different forms."-- I just think some of the sentences can be made simpiler so they are a bit clearer. 

I really like how you address why we're in Plan II and the feelings of freshmen coming to UT.  It really made me feel like I could relate to Dean Parlin, which was neat.  Also, I like how you discuss the student body in the early 1900's, particularly the changes in size.  Interesting paper!

Mita Lakhia

"It struck me around two in the morning that I did not know very much about LBJ and I realized I needed have some sort of logical questions for Lyndon."

I think you can rework this sentence to make it a little clearer-- Around two in the morning, it struck me that I probably needed some logical questions for Lyndon, and I did not know very much about him.

Your personality really shines through in the paper- it sounds just like you!  You make a good reference to the picture of the LBJ Library and Museum in your paper-- from the picture, the reader sees that it really does have a commanding presence.  I think the more you incorporate these pictures into your paper, the better it will be--there really is a close connection between places, such as his office, and LBJ.  I also like how you call him "Lyndon" throughout the paper- it adds a personal and informal tone.  Good job!

Sharon Liao

"Since I had already walked all the way over here, I guessed I might as well take some pictures of it."

I think this sentence can be improved by adding more specifics.  You never really specify what "here" or "it" is.  To make it clearer, you could since "Since I had already walked all the way over to the quad, I guessed I might as well take some pictures of the statue."

You did really well in covering the inspiration for the sculpture, as well as how this inspiration affects your life.  If you want to expand the essay a bit, you could focus in on how "art and nature can combine and compliment each other".  You briefly bring this up, but I think it's an interesting point- how nature and place affect the interpretation of art. 

May Flam

"Too many weird things were happening tonight, and I deliberately decided to ignore them, so I simply smiled at Larry and asked him where he wanted to go in this building."

It might just be a personal opinion, but I feel like all of the clauses in this sentence get confusing.  It might flow better if you changed it to "Too many weird things were happening tonight and, deliberately deciding to ignore them, I simply smiled at Larry and asked him where he wanted to go in this building."

I think you bring up some really interesting ideas about place.  If you wanted to expand the essay, you could develop the idea of architecture alienating people a bit more.  I like how this relates to the influence place has over people in general.  You discuss how architectures of universities influences students, but are there other examples? 

Vanessa Cooper

This is just a small technical error, but I think there should be a comma between "worn" and "old" since there's more than one adjective.  "Directly across the room from me, balancing on my topmost bookshelf, sits a worn, old football."

I really feel like you make Royal come alive.  If you want to expand on something, you could discuss more of why he is "one of the greatest coaches UT has ever seen".  You mention this at the beginning with his 11 Conference Title and 3 National Championships, but maybe tie it all together at the end-- make the connection between his great personal characteristics and how that influences his reputation as a coach.  Good job!!

Puja Parekh

I think you need to add some kind of qualification after "you have collaborated".  With who?  You could say "I know that Quentin Tarantino directed a scene for Sin City and that you have collaborated with him many times before."

I think this essay flows really well, and you did a good job of discussing his inspirations and accomplishments.  If you want to expand on something, I think it would be interesting to discuss the impact UT as a place had on his aspirations.  You could also do the same thing with other places. 

William Tichenor

I think you could make these statements more related by using a semi-colon instead of a period.  It would further solidify the idea that its Stevie's night because he's home.  "In the end it didn’t matter, it was Stevie’s night anyway; he was finally home."

I love your incorporation of place- it's amazing!!  If you wanted to expand on something, you could include more biographical information, but I like the amount that you have-- I think you did a really good job of only including what was relevant and clearly connecting all of your ideas together.

Meagan Hughes

Throughout this paragraph, you've been using the past tense.  I think the shift to present is a bit sudden.  Maybe change "are" to "were". 

You bring up some really interesting points-- if you want to expand the paper, you could discuss other people's reactions to Dell leaving UT, such as his parents and family. 

Brian Dillon

"However, permeating even the charm of the river port city was the overwhelming feeling of tragedy."  I'm not sure if the word "even" should be in the sentence.  Also, moving "however" to the middle of the sentence could better compare the two feelings-- "Permeating the charm of the river port city, however, was the overwhelming feeling of tragedy."

I really liked the emotion you conveyed in the essay-- if you want to expand it, you could discuss more of your goals for society.  You say that King is your role model because you, too, fight to prevent social injustice.  How do you do this exactly?  Are you similar to King in any of your methods?  Overall, I really enjoyed the paper-- it was really powerful.