Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 22:10 Author: Pande, Chetna <chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "I
became dedicated to making our book the best it could be after attending
Columbia Scholastic Press conference in New York City my junior year."
Mary,
I really enjoyed reading your paper. I think your artwork is beautiful and
considering I have absolutely no artistic talent whatsoever (I screw up stick
figures), you're my artistic hero :o) You convey your
ideas and your thoughts very clearly; you stay focused throughout the paper and
everything you say, every example is well-placed. Your progression from
childhood throughout high-school, up to today showing how your passion has
evolved strengthens your paper and brings cohesion.
However, I feel like sometimes your tone gets a little colloquial--watch the
contractions. Also, I think you could expound a little more on how you could
see your passion shaping your future, if you've even thought about that yet.
Also, there seems to be an abrupt break between your description
of your passion and how you see it today (when you started talking about
college apps). Try to add some transition to help the paper flow.
Revision:
"I became dedicated to making our book the best it could be after
attending Columbia Scholastic Press conference in New York City my junior
year."
Just a little wordy and could be made more succint.
Suggestion: After attending the Columbia Scholastic Press Conference in
Overall, well written and organized.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 10:01 Author: Pande, Chetna <chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "Today,
I relish the fact that I can name all 9 members of the West Coast gangster rap
group The Wu-Tang Clan as well as recommend a fantastic Swedish yodeling
record."
Brad!
Your paper was by far the most fun to read! I think everything we read needs to
have a prescribed soundtrack to set the mood! I always look forward to seeing
in what new creative way you're going to surprise us all. The songs you have
chosen to accompany each section of your paper are very apprpropriate
and enhance the paper at a different level to make the whole
"paper-reading experience" more enjoyable and tolerable. I like how
honest you are about your feelings towards music and how your love has grown
and progressed throughout the years. I think your struggle with how your
passion fits into your future is one that many can associate with and that
helps engage the reader.
Although the more casual, colloquial tone is more your style, I don't know how appropriate
it is for a formal paper. Watch the contractions and I think you could try to
make your sentences and style less conversational and more formal with varied
sentence structure, word choice, and overal grammar.
Also, to show that music truly is what you love, I think you should try to
expound more on why music, in itself, is what you love, instead of just talking
about...like explain more as to why music, of all things, is your passion.
Finally, maybe try to spend some time exploring ways in which music does fit
into your future and how you can continue to evolve this passion.
Revision:
"Today, I relish the fact that I can name all 9 members of the West Coast
gangster rap group The Wu-Tang Clan as well as recommend a fantastic Swedish
yodeling record."
I don't think the word "relish" is used appropriately here (check
Bump's favorite OED).
Suggestion: Today, I take pride in the fact that I can name each of the nine
members of the West Coast rap group, The Wu Tang Clan, as well as recommend a
fantastic Swedish Yodeling record.
Overall, your paper is written openly and invites the reader to share your
passion. Just clean it up with revision and try to expand.
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 22:30 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "The painter is
looking inward as he tries to find such an image, and as the observer analyzes
the image he draws connections between what he believes is the intention of the
painting, the context of the painting, and what the painting inspires in his
own
Ashley,
I enjoyed reading your paper about art, itself, and how and why it is your
passion. I almost envy you because you've realized what you love so early
on--even if you don't quite know what you want to do with rest of your life,
you know what you love, what makes you happy, and that, in itself, is something
so many of us constantly strive to realize. Your paper is very solid, stays
focused throughout, and is well organized. I like the beginning, where you set
up where your love for art originated--it helps strenghen
your paper and add clarity.
Although your explanation of what you love about art helps explain why art is
your passion, I feel like you spend too much time talking about art itself.
Don't forget that this paper is a narrative, not a thesis about a specific
topic...if that makes sense. Just be sure stay focused
as to how the passion relates to you. Oh and maybe you could incorporate how
you see art fitting into your future, if you've thought that far.
Revision:
"The painter is looking inward as he tries to find such an image, and as
the observer analyzes the image he draws connections between what he believes
is the intention of the painting, the context of the painting, and what the
painting inspires in his own mind."
This sentence is wordy and confusing.
Suggestion: The painter searches for such an imagine within, while the observer
draws connections and conclusions based on the context of the painting, the
intention of the painting, and what the painting inspires in his own mind.
Well-written with clarity and focus.
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 23:02 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "As I spent the
first few weeks working at the two schools, my two kids grew warmer with me and
it was not long before they were comfortable with me."
Mauro,
Your paper genuinely made me smile :o) You are incredibly selfless and we need
more people like you in the world! Your examples as to why you care so much
about making others happy help to strenghen your
paper. Also, the way you present your paper in such a non-pretentious way helps
add clarity.
However, I feel like many of your thoughts and ideas are very disparate and
just don't seem to flow throughout your paper. Try to make more connections
between examples and ideas. The way you switched between how happy it made you
making others happy and then how distrusting you became of others seems very
disjoint and leads to confusion. Also, your tone is a little too colloquial for
my taste, but you insert random bits of formality that seems awkward. Overall,
just try to add more transition throughout the paper, the sentences, and the
ideas to help the paper flow better.
Revision:
"As I spent the first few weeks working at the two schools, my two kids
grew warmer with me and it was not long before they were comfortable with
me."
This sentence structure and word choice makes the sentence a little awkward.
Suggestion: As I spent more time working at the two schools, my students slowly
warmed up to me and eventually became entirely comfortable with me.
Overall, great idea, just revise for focus.
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 23:17 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "When I was a
little girl I would daily gather all my dolls and Barbies
with my friends and go on an adventure in the park as a house mom, or in the
hospital as a doctor, or in a space shuttle as an astronaut. "
Pallavi,
Your paper definitely illustrates how important making a difference in the
world is to you, as cliche as it sounds. I like how
you introduced the paper by starting with your love for helping in childhood
and tracking the evoluntion and progression of your
passion throughout the paper. Also, the example about debate and your awareness
of the world is a good way to distinguish that you want to make the world
better in whatever way possible, not necessarily as a doctor.
However, I feel like your paper lacks focus; you seem to talk about a lot of
different passions, not just helping. You describe your desire to help, your
love for learning, and your desire to make a difference, but I am unable to
figure out which is focus of your paper. I think you need to either explore
your different passions at the beginning, then pick
one to elaborate on or just stick with one throughout.
Revision:
"When I was a little girl I would daily gather all my dolls and Barbies with my friends and go on an adventure in the park
as a house mom, or in the hospital as a doctor, or in a space shuttle as an
astronaut. "
The word choice and word placement is a little awkward, making the sentence
confusing.
Suggestion: As a child, my friends and I would gather our dolls and Barbies everyday and go on an adventure, sometimes as house
mom in the park, or as a doctor in a hospital, or as an astronaut in a space
shuttle.
Overall, your desire to make a difference is solid,
just try to focus on one way to do this.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 19:10 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "While I was
there, I witnessed a protest against teacher salary laws, I was amazed that the
children experience endless enjoyment from a simple toy called ¿clackers,¿ and
I discovered a culture that embraced each person so fully that coming back
to"
Rachel!
Your creativity and inspiration never ceases to amaze me. I always look forward
to reading your papers and DBRs because you explore
ideas untouched and always discover suprise me with
some new conclusion that I never considered. Your paper is unique, to say the
least, but the manner in which you presented it is so clear and focused that it
has no awkwardness and flows well. The introduction is a
great way to enage the reader and invite us to
consider something as mundane as emotion from an entirely different perspective.
Also, the anecdote from
Although you present your ideas and thoughts well, I feel like it stops there;
I think you should try to elaborate more on what exactly this search for
"pure emotion" means to you, not just how it doesn't exist in
American society. On that note, I felt like you spent too much time talking
about American culture and criticizing the lack of emotion in society. Instead,
focus more on the meaning of your passion and how it affects you and how it
plays a role (and will play a role) in your life, now and in the future. Also,
the second to last paragraph, when you briefly mention art, seems out of place
and unnecessary. I would suggest either taking it out or expanding it more.
Revision:
"While I was there, I witnessed a protest against teacher salary laws, I
was amazed that the children experience endless enjoyment from a simple toy
called ¿clackers,¿ and I discovered a culture that
embraced each person so fully that coming back to
This sentence is waaay too long and you introduce too
many different ideas leading to confusion--try breaking it up or just
rearranging the sentence.
Suggestion: While I was there, I discovered a society that was like nothing I
had ever known; as a result, I experienced a major culture shock upon returning
to
Overall, great paper, just revise with a fine tooth comb for
minor details.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 19:31 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "My teammate
Rachel took the kick and I felt like time stopped. I watched the ball take
flight in an arch-like motion until it reached its apex."
Prianka!
You are so lucky to have found not only what you're good at, but more
importantly, what you love, what truly makes you happy. :o)
Your paper definitely illustrates your love for the sport, especially the one
at the end about the team camaraderie. I really like the way you expressed so
much of your emootion in the paper--it helps the
reader relate to what is such a big part of your life. I love all the
descriptions about the games; they provide beautiful imagery for the reader to
understand you and your love for soccer.
However, I feel like overall, your paper is very disparate: each paragraph
seems somewhat disjoint from the others. If you just add some transition
sentences and try to connect ideas more clearly, I think your paper will flow
better. Your tone is also a little colloquial at times. I understand that
sometimes you were trying to convey what you were feeling and what was going
through your mind at the time, but it comes across too choppy and abrupt. I
would suggest italicizing your "thoughts" to make it clear the the reader that this is what's going through your mind.
Also, parts of your paper seem abrupt due to the number of short, choppy
sentences. Just vary sentence structure and length and that should help with
fluidity. Finally, I would suggest spending less time talking abut soccer itself
and although the anecdotes help strengthen your paper, I think you could focus
more of the paper on why soccer is your passion (what it brings to your life,
how it makes you feel, etc, etc) and how it could play a role in your future.
Revision:
"My teammate Rachel took the kick and I felt like time stopped. I watched
the ball take flight in an arch-like motion until it reached its apex."
I think these sentences can be combined and the structure can be rearranged for
a more fluid sentence.
Suggestion: Time seemingly stopped as my teammate Rachel took the kick: the
ball soared through the air until it reached its apex and....<--you can even
continue to describe the ball here.
Overall, your passion is clear and focused and with some revision adding transitions,
it will help the paper flow.
Forum: Project Two Date: Wed Nov 15 2006 11:47 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "In creating the
two posters shown here, I had great experiences. It was incredibly fun to be
behind the camera at my own photo shoot, capturing the actors and directing
them on how I wanted them to look"
Liz, my
lovely,
I love how passionate you are about discovering love in every apsect of life :o) Love truly is the single thread that
weaves all humans and all facets of life together and I think that through it,
you will discover your pilgrammage, whatever that may
be. Ok, now that I'm done with the sentimentalness,
contrary to what you my think, your essay was not
disparate or disconnect, for the most part. You successfully relate the first
few paragraphs by ending each one with a comment as to how they are all
connected through love. Also, your personal anecdotes for how you incorporate
the different types of beauty into your life strenghen
your paper.
Although your voice shines through the paper, I feel like it's a bit too
colloquial; I can tell that you wrote the paper straight from your thoughts,
which is a very honest, open way to engage the reader, but sometimes it felt a
little abrupt, which affected the overall flow of the paper. Also, you often
stated things very blatantly: as in, "One of my other passions" or
"This relates to that". If you try to vary sentence structure,
combine sentences and thoughts, and add more transitions, your paper should
flow beautifully. I thought that everything was fitting together quite
nicely--with love connecting each of your passions--but towards the end, when
you started discussing politics and science, I got confused: what do politics
have to do with a passion for love? I would suggest either
somehow relating politcs and science by
explaining how they are also an expression of love, or just cutting it out.
Finally, you have great examples, but I would suggest maybe incorporating
thoughts, feelings, and ideas as to how your passion for love and expressions
of beauty affect you and how they might be incorporated into your future.
Revision:
"In creating the two posters shown here, I had great experiences. It was
incredibly fun to be behind the camera at my own photo shoot, capturing the
actors and directing them on how I wanted them to look"
Here is an example of when you say something very plainly and abruptly. Try
combining for fluidity.
Suggestion: When I created these two posters shown below, I was given the
opportunity to express my own vision of beauty by directing the actors and the
shoot from behind the camera.
Overall, your paper has solid ideas and your passion is clear for the most
part. Just work on revivision to add flow and connect
each of your thoughts.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 10:14 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "Instead of
running to retrieve an adult, I held my little brother, staring at him blankly
while he continued to bleed. I must have expected someone else to help
him."
Law,
Your paper is well-written and now I understand what you were talking about by
a formatting the paper as your pilgrammage to
realization. It definitely sets up an easy method of organization that leads to
clarity and a focus. I really like the way that you build up to your final goal
by describing your progression and realization of your passion; it helps to
strengthen why helping people is your passion.
However, I feel like you spend a little bit too long talking about
self-actualization and giving background for your passion. I think you could
condense that information and you should actually discuss your passion of
helping people more--make it the main focus if your paper. Also, be sure to
talk about why it is your passion and how helping people relates
to you, in your life. Finally, parts of your paper sounds
very abrupt because you have many short, choppy sentences. Try to vary sentence
structure and combine sentences and thoughts to create a better flow throughout
your paper.
Revision:
"Instead of running to retrieve an adult, I held my little brother,
staring at him blankly while he continued to bleed. I must have expected
someone else to help him."
I think these two sentences can be combined and some of the word choice is a
little awkward.
Suggestion: Instead of retrieving an adult, I stared blankly at my little brother,helplessly holding him in
my arms, perhaps expecting someone else to help him.
Overall, the paper is well-written. Just revise it for fluidity and be sure to
remember the focus of this paper.
Forum: Project Two Date:
Emily,
Well, you definitely sound like a Plan II student: knowledgable,
(com)passionate, and undecided! I like the way you developed your paper by
introducing your love for knowledge and your natural compassion, but
recognizing that neither is enough in its own realm. You have quite a few
personal anecdotes that help personify your paper and allow the audience to
take a glimpse into your life, while also helping the audience to relate to
what you're saying.
However, I feel like you spend too long describing what kind of person you are,
like you're justifying the your love of learning and
your compassion in life. I think you should try to be more progression throughout
your paper and introduce more ideas, more thoughts, and explore your future
more, rather than spend so much time explaining yourself. Also, some of your
quotes (especially in the first paragraph) are awkwardly placed; maybe you
should reconsider your choice of quotes because it seems like you have to add
quite a bit in brackets to add clarity. Finally, I was a little confused by
your organization of the paper; try breaking up paragraphs and ideas to add
clarity.
Revision:
"Likewise, people that are only book smart find it difficult to perform in
a people-oriented society."
This sentence is a little wordy and can be clarified with better word choice.
Suggestion: Likewise, those who possess solely book knowledge often feel out of
place and uncomfortable in society.
Overall, solid ideas, just revise and elaborate.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 13:22 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "So because of
everything football taught me and the fact that I absolutely loved every minute
of it, I consider playing football a passion of mine.'
Garrison!
Well, I definitely consider football in a different light now--not just a bunch
of sweaty guys butting heads! Your descriptions provide great imagery for the
reader and truly depict why football (or the bonds from football) mean so much
to you. I like the way you introduce your passion by giving a background as to
how it developed and what instigated you to realize your passion for
friendship.
However, I feel like you spend more time talking about football, itself, and
how much it means to you, rather than your passion for friendship. Be sure to
focus on one or the other; if you use football to introduce your passion, then make sure it is just to lead into your paper about your
true passion, whatever that may be. Also, I think you should discuss the
friendship aspect more as to why it means so much to you and the how a
meaningful relationship affects you.
Revision:
"So because of everything football taught me and the fact that I
absolutely loved every minute of it, I consider playing football a passion of
mine."
This sentence is a little wordy and can be clarified with different sentence
structure.
Suggestion: My love for football and everything I learned from playing the
sport helped me realize that it is one of my many passions in life.
Overall, solid idea, just expand your actual passion and revise for grammatical
errors.
Forum: Project Two Date: Tue Nov 14 2006 13:44 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "I had always
thought that my career track would be getting a degree in biology, attending
medical school to get my MD, and then it would be a straight shot to becoming a
successful pediatrician."
Alex,
In all honesty, I became so frustrated the first I read your paper because you
so clearly and coherently depicted everything I feel like I'm trying to say and
all of my similar frustrations! (Take that as a compliment!) Your essay is very
well-written, with a mature tone, and a clear focus. The honesty with which you
write, describing your fears, doubts, and insecurities, gives the reader a glimpse
into your psyche, and helps the reader relate to you and your struggles. Your
voice shines through the words throughout the paper and really gives the paper
character.
However, I often felt like your tone became a little pretentious. Sometimes
your thoughts and they manner in which you conveyed them came across somewhat
bombastic, almost hostile towards a society that you see as so uncaring and
superficial. (By the way, I completely understand your point of view and agree
with it, just try not to be so harsh in your paper). Also, you seemed to waver
between your dream of becoming a doctor and your passion for compassion; I
understand that that, in itself, is your struggle, but maybe consider
introducing by describing your conflicts, but focusing the paper on a single
passion. Finally, maybe elaborate on your personal anecdotes that illustrate
your "passion for compassion" instead of just saying it--show it,
don's just state it; this will help strengthen your paper and your point.
Reivision:
"I had always thought that my career track would be getting a degree in
biology, attending medical school to get my MD, and then it would be a straight
shot to becoming a successful pediatrician."
The verb choice sounds a little awkward and the sentence structure is a little
unclear; if you're going to med school, you're obviously getting your MD--no
need to state that.
Suggestion: I have always expected that I would attain a degree in biology,
attend medical school, and continue on the path to becoming a successful
pediatrician.
Overall, well-written and solid foundation from which to
elaborate. Just revise with a fine tooth comb for minor details.
Forum: Project Two Date:
Eric,
Your paper is off to a great start. You have a lot of ideas and examples that
help illustrate how your passion developed. I really liked that your explained
how your passion evolved, from your realization of how blessed you are. You're
right in that many Americans have no idea how lucky they are to live the life
they do.
However, I feel like some of your ideas are a little disparate. Work on fludity throughout the paper with transitions. Also, for
many of your examples, you take a long time to get to the point; as in, you
describe every miniscule detail in every single example which leads to
wordiness. And many of your sentences are short and choppy; try to connect more
thoughts, ideas, and sentences so that the paper is not so abrupt. Finally, I
felt like your introduction was also abrupt; maybe ease into the thought with
something else to introduce the paper instead of immediately talking about your
parents and your life.
Revision:
"My compassion for others comes from my mother. The way she carries
herself and the way she lives her life has been an inspirational example to me."
I think these two sentences can be connected to change up sentence structure
and add fluidity.
Suggestion: The manner in which my mother carries herself and
they way she lives her life has always inspired me.
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 18:06 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "The agony of
believing that if your parents knew who you really were they you would be
disowned is utterly overwhelming."
Trevor!
I love your paper!!! You have written this paper with such passion and brutal
honesty that I really felt for you as you were describing how much you have
struggled. You have written this from your heart and it realy
shines through the words, strengthening your paper. I really liked the way your
struggles and your experiences is the continous
thread throughout the paper--it's a great way to always remind the reader why
it is your passion.
However, some ideas are a little disconnect; you sometimes introduce an idea or
a thought about society or yourself and leave it hanging. Just be sure to
expound and elaborate if you bring something up. Also, I think you spend a lot
of time explaining yourself and kind of defending why it is your passion. Try
to maybe talk more about what you plan to do about the issue and be careful not
to turn it into a paper about homosexual rights: it is a personal narrative,
not a thesis on a topic...if that makes sense. Finally, be sure to revise with
a fine tooth comb--you kind of forget words here and there and make some
mistakes that spell-check doesn;t
recognize.
Revision:
"The agony of believing that if your parents knew who you really were they
you would be disowned is utterly overwhelming."
I get what you're saying, but the word choice and structure is a litle confusing.
Suggestion: To feel like your parents would disown you if they knew your true
identity utterly is overwhelming and painful.
Overall, very well written as your voice shines through
beautifully. Just make sure to revuse (I've
found that reading it outloud helps you catch things
you miss when you read).
Forum: Project Two Date:
Megan,
Your examples are so sweet! It's so important for young children to have role
models--especially older kids--to guide them. I really like the details that
your incorporated so that they reader has the full picture. Your examples help
to strengthen your passion and show the reader why it is your passion.
However, your tone throughout the paper is very colloquial, with random spurts
of formality through verbs, which creates a bit of a discord. For one thing, I
would suggest trying to stay away from contractions and either write out both words or just find a new verb to replace it.
Also, try to connect your examples throughout the paper. Each paragraph seems
disparate from the others; just add some transition sentences and use your
thoughts and ideas to connect them.
Revision:
Yours: "My dolls weren¿t just pieces of plastic
and strips of cloth. To me, they were alive and an extensive part of my
life."
I think these sentences can be connected; the way you used
"extensive" sounds awkward; watch the contraction.
Suggestion: To me, my dolls were more than just pieces of
plastic and strips of cloth; they were alive and I cared for them as
though they were real children.
You definitely know yourself and what you care about in life and your examples
show it. Just clean it up and try to connect it better. I've found that reading
it outloud to yourself helps you catch things that
you miss when reading.
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 17:29 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "A number of my
college essays asked me, in some way or another, to define myself, to explain
my goals, my turning points, and my pursuits."
Megan,
Wow, when I started reading your paper, right from the get-go, I found myself
agreeing with you, as I felt the exact same way in high-school and I often felt
like everyone else had their "thing" and I was always looking. Great way to incorporate your experience with such a universal
struggle. Overall, I like the tone of your paper--formal, yet I still
hear your voice. Also, I like your organization as your progress from
high-school to today, incorporating your feelings and thoughts throughout.
However, while reading your paper, I often had to stop and re-read sentences;
some of your sentences are awkward in word choice and structure. Be careful
with how you use adjectives, verbs, and adverbs--I think you sometimes misuse
them (as in my revision suggestion), as in, an adjective doing a verb...if that
makes sense. Sorry, I know how vague and confusing that sounds, but just make
sure in your revision to check grammar. I've found that reading it outloud helps, as you'll probably catch things that just
sound awkward. Also, I feel like the change from your search for your passion
into your passion for design is a little abrupt and not very fluid. Try to
connect how you realized your love for design more within your search and just
add some transition.
Revision:
"A number of my college essays asked me, in some way or another, to define
myself, to explain my goals, my turning points, and my pursuits."
Firstly, essays don't ask you anything--they're inanimate objects; also, the
turning points example doesn't quite fit with the others.
Suggestion: For a number of my college application essays, I was expected to,
in some way or another, define myself, my pursuits,
and my life goals.
Overall, very well-written and well-supported; just work on revising with a
fine-tooth comb!
Forum: Project Two Date: Mon Nov 13 2006 17:11 Author: Pande, Chetna
<chetnapande@mail.utexas.edu> Subject: "I had known of my
interest in theology before then; however, after only one lesson at G.I.G. I
felt this interest being diverted in a way I had not foreseen: I wanted to
teach."
Amanda,
First and foremost, I commend on you on your desire to teach! We definitely
need more teachers in society and they need to be more appreciated. Ok, now
that I'm done with my brief rant...the organization of your paper is well
planned and strenghens your paper. Especially
the way that you progressed from your frustration with teaching to your
teaching epiphany in 9th grade and how it evolved throughout high school.
However, I do agree with Megan in that sometimes your paper sounds a bit
wordy--try to incorporate more action verbs to mix it up a bit. Also, each
example that you bring up can potentially strenghen
your paper, but I feel like you introduce an example, but kind of leave it
hanging; I think if you just expand on your experiences with teaching
(especially in GIG when you realized how much you love it), and just explain
your reactions more in depth, it would help with cohesion of the paper.
Revision:
Yours: "I had known of my interest in theology before then; however, after
only one lesson at G.I.G. I felt this interest being diverted in a way I had
not foreseen: I wanted to teach."
The sentence structure and word choice is a little awkward and wordy.
Suggestion: I have always been interested in theology, but after only one
lesson at GIG, my interest evolved into an epiphany: I wanted to teach.
Overall, well written, just work on word/verb diversity!