Mary:
I love your introduction paragraph. It really makes me want to
understand your campus plan. Throughout the paper you incorporated many
things we have discussed in class very well and expanded on those
ideas. The caption on your HRC picture is hard to read. I really like
your ideas for lighting and you convey your ideas for the inside of
buildings well. Your pictures are interesting, but I wish there were
more. Also, I feel like you could add a little more discussion
specifically on how you will incorporate Gaudi.
Sentence: A way
in which this could be accomplished is to put levels of the buildings
underground rather than increase the height of buildings, thus creating
a regulated, consistent campus.
Change to: Rather than
increase the height of buildings, levels can be put underground thus
creating a regulated, consistent campus.
Pallavi: The
rhetorical questions in your introduction are thought-provoking. I also
really like how you emphasize the need for the UT campus to be
differentiated from its surroundings. Watch out for contractions like
ÒitÕs.Ó (Second sentence in paragraph beginning ÒNext the structureÉÓ
Your use of examples, especially that of the Stanford campus, are well
placed; however, the picture of Stanford seems a little too high so it
at first seemed random to me. Also, your pictures vary greatly in
size. Your good arguments against modernism could be expanded
upon or explained.
Sentence: Next the structure of the campus
must be considered, whether the buildings will be randomly dispersed
following no apparent pattern or aligned in a particular shape.
Revision:
Next, the layout of buildings on campus - whether to randomly disperse
the buildings following no apparent pattern or to align them in a
paticular shape - must be considered.
Law: I really
like the clarity of your writing; everything you say is articulate and
concise and gets the point across immediately. Your paper seems to have
very many quotes, though, which distracted me sometimes. Maybe if you
paraphrased some it would be a little more unified. Your examples are
well placed and show knowledge various campus plans. You change tenses
quite often which makes sense in the paper, but confused me once or
twice. DonÕt forget a word count.
Sentence: In the most
respective sense, we find that the most suitable style for our campus
would be that of the Spanish and Mediterranean, given the cultural
heritage of Texas.
Revision: In one sense, we find that the most
suitable style for our campus is that of the Spanish and Mediterranean,
given the cultural heritage of Texas.
Brad: I really
like your opening. It is easy to read but it says a lot in an evocative
way. Also, the way you broke your paper up into short paragraphs
divided with pictures makes it so much easier to digest than a page
full of words. You use a conditional tense or other somewhat obscure
tenses quite often which makes sense, but even if using present tense,
the hypothetical nature of the statement is implied in most cases and
then youÕd have a more unified tense. (Example: ÒEvery great
architectural structure has been a major riskÉÓ = ÒEvery great
architectural structure was (or is) a major riskÉÓ) Your use of
repetition and parallelism is very effective in conveying your meaning
and giving your writing an active, enthusiastic tone. Near the end you
have several contractions, especially from page 6 on, which you
may want to spell out.
Sentence: Fancy buildings arenÕt needed, because what goes on within the buildings speaks for itself. (2nd Paragraph, page 6)
Revision: Fancy buildings are not needed: Because of what goes on within the buildings, each one speaks for itself.
Ashley:
Your introduction presents interesting ideas and the quote you supply
near the start got my attention also. Minor note: In the second
paragraph I think you use ÒaffectÓ as a noun; ÒeffectÓ is the noun
version. Your careful comparison of each aspect of your new plan to a
current part of UT made your idea clear. Your use of specific examples
also really helped me to envision your proposed plan. Although it is a
minor detail, I like how you did your captions on your pictures: They
are easy to see and read and tie into the body. Also, the overall
layout of your paper into several pages makes it more digestible and
not overwhelming to view all at once. You stick to the theme of Òknow
thyselfÓ throughout which gives your paper unity. You may want to
consider omitting some quotes; towards the end I began to get
distracted by the quotes. Overall, I really like your paper, your
layout, and your ideas.
Sentence: This style reflects the
historical background of the state as well as suits the climate of the
region, making it a rational basis for the campus design. (Paragraph 1,
page 2)
Revision: This style is a rational basis for the campus
design because it reflects the historical background of the state and
suits the climate of the region.
Chetna: I love the
rhetorical questions in your opening paragraph. It gives your paper the
feel of a persuasive speech more than a tedious essay. Also, the quotes
you incorporate are done really well. They seem to flow naturally with
your train of thought. I personally donÕt like the occasional use of
more relaxed diction such as Òmovers and shakersÓ (paragraph ) because
it doesnÕt seem to fit with the majority of your paper, but it does
bring my attention back or make me check myself. Your proposal is also
very interesting and unique. I like it. And I didnÕt know UT originally
had 221 students. Interesting fact! Although the details are
interesting, for the goal of this paper you may want to omit some of
the details about Vedic architecture.
Sentence: It appears that
one of the most important decisions in constructing the university was
hastily settled based on the current, popular trend at the time,
instead of considering practicality and appropriateness.
Revision:
Apparently, one of the most important decisions in the universityÕs
construction was hastily settled: The decision was based on the current
popular trend at the time rather than on practicality and
appropriateness.
Mauro: I really like how you base
your decision on what type of architecture to use for each field on the
historical period when great works in that field were created. I think
it is interesting how you divided your paper into descriptions of each
different college. This organization fits well with your plan and helps
the reader see each thing one at a time rather than trying to grasp all
the different architectures and their purposes for placement at once.
Finally, although I like your conclusion, I feel it is abrupt and your
last point (about the diversity of your plan) deserves a paragraph
(even a short one) of its own. Good ideas overall!
Sentence:
With these two things in mind, it comes down to common sense as to why
the college of Liberal Arts should take on the spirit of the Gothic in
designing its buildings.
Revision: Considering these two
factors, it becomes evident that the College of Liberal Arts should
embody the spirit of the Gothic in designing its buildings.
Eric:
I like the organization of your introduction paragraph; it creates
great images. You may want to consider spelling out the building names
or give both the common abbreviation and the official name to make your
writing more formal and clear. Your quotes and pictures are all well
incorporated and add to your composition. Consider adding explanations
of why you like certain aspects of your campus. For instance, why do
you feel at home because of the red-tile roofs? Do they just seem to
fit, or do they seem inviting etc. I love your use of description like
Òfeeling the ras of sunlight peg you as you dodge between the pillarsÉÓ
Sentence:
The person who delivered out application to the admissions committee
took our applications carried with him or her, the spirits of each one
of us.
Revision: The person who delivered our applications to the admissions committee carried the spirits of each one of us.
Trevor:
In your introduction, the lead-up to your thesis is very effective, and
your argument for post-modernism seems to start in a very unified way.
You provide further explanation whenever it is needed and examples in
appropriate places. I really like how you discuss each point by
clarifying any vague terms and give a brief history of the relevant
architectural styles and characteristics. You have some interesting
pictures, but they need captions. Also, a few more pictures would be
interesting. I like your writing style overall as it is formal and
articulate.
Sentence: Postmodernism tends to avoid the use of
straight lines and boxes, preferring curves and angles to the abrupt
shapes of modern architecture.
IÕve always been taught that something like ÒpostmodernismÓ cannot ÒpreferÓ something else, so I would recommend the following.
Revision:
Postmodernism tends to avoid the use of straight lines and boxes,
utilizing curves and angles rather than the abrupt shapes of modern
architecture.
Liz: I love your use of imagery! I found
the Golden Ratio note interesting; that along with many of your other
points tied nature to modernism in ways I had never thought of before.
You do an excellent job of talking about your pictures in your text.
The paper overall could use a couple more pictures just to break up the
text on one or two of the pages. I also really like your idea of
rooftop terraces Ð I think they are a great idea and wish I could have
incorporated them into my plan. If you wanted to cut anything, the
argument against other architectural styles seems too brief to add
significantly; I like your paper simply as an argument for modernism.
Sentence:
The rooftop terraces, as I mentioned before, will enable a literature
class to slide open a window like the one at the right, and walk out to
a patio to discusss a novel while sitting in nature, or an art class to
walk out and sketch right from the plants and sky, or a biology class
to maintain experiments on plants or animals outside.
Revision:
The rooftop terraces, as previously mentioned, will enable a literature
class to slide open a window and walk out to a patio to discuss a
novel; an art class, to walk out and sketch plants or the sky; a
biology class, to experiment on nature first hand.
Emily:
Your opening quote is really effective. I like it a lot, though it gets
a little long and I keep waiting for your writing to start.
Deconstructivism is a unique and interesting suggestion. Your
description of deconstructivism helped me understand it much better
since I was mostly unfamiliar with the style at first. You talk about
Gehry himself quite a bit; more emphasis on your campus plan would make
your paper more persuasive for me personally. There are so many
references to other schools and GehryÕs other works that you must have
done a lot of research! I love how you want to save trees and build
your campus respecting as well as complimenting nature. I also really
like your emphasis on landscaping.
Sentence: A final natural
element found within deconstructional architecture is found in the
areas of the randomness, flow, and flexibility of the ÒfloatingÓ window
effect in many of his buildings.
Revision: A final natural
element of deconstructive architecture is the irregularity, flow, and
flexibility of the ÒfloatingÓ window effect.