Amanda- The way that you develop your story and build up to how you picked your passion proved to be a great layout for the paper. I'm really interested in what the speaker must have said to make you so intent on teaching as a career. Also, since you mentioned that you like to organize, you could mention that in your paper too, since that is really important for teachers.

Your Sentence: I had never considered pursuing teaching as a career, anyway, so it didnÕt bother me much, and I continued searching for other passions and career options.

Revision: Since I had never considered teaching, it did not bother me much, and I continued searching for my passion and future career.

Pallavi- I like the imagery you provide with your brief opening anecdote. I can relate to the Barbie stuff. However, I find myself wanting to know what your passion is sooner than you state it. Also, be sure to provide a strong link between your paragraphs to avoid any break downs of unity! Also, I like the picture of the Barbie, but more pictures along the way of debate or anything really would help break up the text.Interesting topic overall.

Your Sentence: During my high school career I spent a huge amount of my time preparing for debate tournaments and in the process developed a strong work ethic and greater awareness of critical issues in our world.

Revision: During my high school career I spent a huge amount of time preparing for debate tournaments. This research gave me a strong work ethic and a greater awareness of critical issues in our world.

Emily- Wow, I really love your introduction! It drew me in and also clearly stated the passion you plan to discuss. In the first body paragraph, you say Òcan notÓÉ I think this should be Òcannot.Ó The points you bring up about being nice and being taken advantage of are really important and well-presented. I also love how you incorporate your quotes. You seem to build off of them rather than stick them in for the points. Consider making a new paragraph with the sentence starting ÒAs I embark onÉÓ Several of your paragraphs seem to get long and could use a break. Your pictures are all relevant to your text. Your choice of a passion (or passions) seems sincere and has a lot of potential for next semester. I like the way you explain your passions, also.

Your Sentence: This kindness developed deep within me at a very early age.

Revision: This kindness was intrinsic in me from a very early age.

Eric- In your intro paragraph, the tenses changed at least once, so be careful that the changes were intentional. I think you could say Òluxuries I took for grantedÓ and that would take out one kind of strange tense. I like how you use anecdotes about China to lead up to your passion; however, I think you could be equally effective if you mentioned your passion earlier and then linked it to the different things in China you talk about. You use a number of really varied examples. Could you tie them together by specifying how you want to help people and then relating that to each example? Or is it that you are still trying to decide? Your pictures are quite touching and your topic is well developed. The stories definitely kept my interest and made me want to know how you can integrate your passion and your chosen profession.

Your Sentence: Everyone was receptive to each others dreams and very supportive, however, when it was my turn to share my dream, there was nothing but silence.

I love how you end this sentence abruptly, but the beginning seems a little scattered.

Revision: Every student supported every othersÕ dreams; however, when it was my turn to share, there was only silence.

Prianka- I love how you use a narrative form to introduce your passion and then talk about how soccer is a physical means of expressing your passion. You write so passionately, you must really love soccer! The way that you use a story to develop how soccer affects you makes your paper easy to read and stand out.

Your sentence: I didnÕt field calm or like I was in an oasis; I was frightened and uncertain.

Revision: I did not feel calm or like I was in an oasis; instead, I was frightened and uncertain.

Megan S.- Your exposition describing how you discovered your passion is interesting, but I found it distracting and a little confusing. Once you clarified your passion, the purpose of your paper became really clear. I love how you decided on your goal to design. I found your discussion of posters and book covers and CD covers and all those type of things particularly interesting. If you put pictures in as examples of design that you found poignant, that would add to the essay. Interesting, well-defined topic!

Your sentence: Though I enjoy simply appreciating design, I find it even more meaningful when I can participate in the creation of well designed things.

Revision: While I always appreciate design, I find it even more meaningful when I have created an example of good design myself.
Megan G.- Your passion seems so specific, like you really know what you want to do. I really like your format: You state your passion, then explain how you came to see it as a passion and how it changed in one particular instance. The personal pictures were meaningful; if you have any more to add, I think that ,

Your Sentence: To me, they were alive and an extensive part of my life.

Revision: To me, they were more than just alive: They were an extensive part of my life.

Brad- Your incorporation of music is the perfect use of multimedia in this project! It fits your passion (obviously) and it incorporates one of the goals of the project. Also, it gives your project a whole new level.  IÕve been looking forward to critiquing it just because it gives me a chance to listen to music and do work at the same time.

Your introduction is really vivid. Did you actually say music was your passion? That would be suprising, but it is cool that the CEC helped you figure that out, if they did actually help.

It is interesting how you tie in other very important issues (like insight into other cultures) right now into your passion for music. That could help a in a leadership statement.

Your Sentence: I donÕt know if it will be a radio or TV show, a website, a book, a column, or shouting it from street corners, but I feel the need to lead people to all of the amazing music they are missing out on.

Revision: I donÕt know how I will share music Ð if I will share it through radio or TV, a website, a book, a column, or if I will shout it from the street corners Ð but I feel the need to lead people to all of the amazing music they are missing out on.

Law- I love how you come full circle in your essay. The two stories and the similarities and differences are interesting to compare. You also used quotes well. Your passion was discussed clearly and directly, which made it easy to understand. The personal anecdotes were relevant and made the essay interesting and personal. I think if you discussed the relation between helping people and being a doctor, the paper might be a little more unified. I know that that relationship seems obvious, but some doctorÕs donÕt necessarily help people and being a doctor isnÕt the only profession in which you can help people.

Your sentence: The answer did not occur to me until I remembered a conversation that I had with a childhood figure of mine.

The Òchildhood figureÓ wording confused me, so maybe this makes sense:

Revision: The answer did not occur to me until I remembered a conversation I had had with a role model from my childhood.

Good luck finding pictures and great paper so far!

Ashley- I really love the topic you chose for your paper. The introduction reads beautifully, and the quotes all work well together in the intro. I also really like how you justify your passion by stating it developed early. That is an interesting point that I feel a lot of us tried to convey, but you stated it directly and gracefully. Good job! The images you incorporated are all very meaningful; I think if they were a little bigger they would be easier to see and thus to contemplate.

Your sentence:  Art has this unique ability to connect us on both conscious and unconscious levels, providing a link between our own ideas and those of others from all periods of time.

Revision: Art has the ability to connect us on both conscious and unconscious levels, providing a link between contemporary ideas and ideas from ages past.

Chetna- You start off so strong in you introduction with your intense definition of passion, it makes me feel like my passion is not worthy to be a passion! You use language so well in the introduction, too. I really like it. Your writing throughout seems excellent, especially for the first draft. The only thing I really donÕt like is the search for passion that you discuss. I realize this may be important to your passion, and if you feel it is, by all means leave it in. You incorporate multimedia well, and it furthers your point.
    I felt like you beat around the bush a little bit before coming right out and stating your passion.  Your lead up is valuable, but I feel like it delays the start of the paper a little too much.
    Good incorporation of quotes. I like your ending, too.

Your sentence: Thus, no matter what I do, no matter where life takes me, I will do it with passion and I will be able to help people passionately.

Just to avoid repetativeness:

Revision: Thus, no matter what I do, no matter where life leads me, I will do it with fervor, and I will be able to help people compassionately.

Mauro- Your introduction is so unique: You start so broad and really pull it into your passion well. The stuff you said about how as we get older we just hide our emotions better was really interesting and insightful. A quote in that section may give you more authority, but I really like the ideas as they are.
    I think your idea to anonymously help others is cool, and can really make someoneÕs day; however, like you noted, that prevents personal relationships from developing which I think is important. I donÕt know. It is an interesting dilemma. Interesting take on a passion!

Your sentence: I know now that I want to work towards a career in which I can do just that, however, there are such a wide variety of possibilities seeing as how my vision is vague and encompasses a broad range of things.

Revision: I know now that I want to work towards a career in which I can do just that; however, considering my vague, broad vision, there are many possibilities for careers.