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12/8/2007 12:18:58 PM  

Writing topic:
DraftDueWriting
submitted		Back-
Review		BR
Submitted		Submitted Draft
(Click to read)		Assignment Status
(Click to Proceed)
1st10/310/3/2007 6:35:28 PM10/2710/25/2007 4:47:18 PMMy Role Model and My
Final10/1910/19/2007 5:10:49 PM11/1910/25/2007 4:47:18 PMLeadership and the V

  • Make sure you uploaded a correct copy. Read your draft right after you submitted it. Click on the link of your writing to check it out.
  • Refer to the Review Form 40 to understand what aspects of your writing are evaluated.
  • Back-Review or back-evaluation is your evaluations on the helpfulness of reviewers' feedback. This helps reviewers understand what feedback would be helpful. Your reviewers will receive half of their review grades based on this evaluation.
  • If you redo your back-review, you have to re-rate the quality of each comment.
  • Only your last submission of each assignment decides whether or not your submission is late.
  • After receiving reviewers' comments on the first draft, submit your revised papers, and then do the first back-evaluations.


    •  Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your Final Draft
    Focus (Overall quality: 6.2 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1
    		Thesis: (while second life does have its merits) you did not feel it was stimulating enough to create growth as a leader, nor did it motivate you to write differently.

    As I read the first half of the paper, I was wondering if any really negative statements would come out, however, I began to see support of your main thesis in the latter half of the discussion.
    I did like how your thesis was a thought spread over several sentences in your introduction, rather than just a lump statement in the end.

    Do I need to improve the structure of the paper in order for my thesis to play out more clearly? What can I do?
    Reviewer 2
    		I believe your theme was "Though our role model construction and conversations were interesting trial runs, Second Life did not activate enough of my intelligences to be effective leadership training, nor did it motivate me to continue with other SL-oriented pursuits." I believe all of your details are relevant to the topic. You addressed your thesis very well.

    The conclusion was excellent as well.

    I really liked how you put a topic sentence on each of your paragraphs so I know what you are about to discuss. Although, at times, I felt that your paragraphs on Second Life seem to be almost a rant for you do repeat a few points. One of them includes computers not being able to provide ample human interaction. In paragraph 9, you state "conversations, a necessarily human interaction" and then in paragraph 11 you state "interactive experiences." These are not blatantly identical but it gives the reader a sense of that these points have been discussed already.
    Thanks for the tip. I''''d agree that p2 was an opportunity to rant. It''''s good t know that my repetition appeared redundant rather than as emphasis on a point.
    Reviewer 3
    		The thesis seems to be "Though our role model construction and conversations were interesting trial runs, Second Life did not activate enough of my intelligences to be effective leadership training, nor did it motivate me to continue with other SL-oriented pursuits." I could tell from your thesis that you did not feel any improvement in your writing while using Second Life; it was stated very clearly and at the end of the first paragraph. You gave several examples of why you felt that Second Life was of no benefit to you. You mentioned how easy it was to portray your own personal opinion throughout the discussions when you stated, "At the conversations’ start, I strongly intended to speak as Ken Wilber would. But as the interactions heated up, the mask would melt away, and the puppeteer’s own prejudices would be revealed. I periodically forgot that I was Ken Wilber." There were also more examples to emphasize your thesis. The examples and details were effective in supporting your thesis. There were several citations of literature throughout the essay. Whenever you discussed the role models of your fellow classmates, the citations were extremely helpful in maintaining a connection with your thesis. Your introduction was very inviting because it was different than I expected. I expected for you to say "Yes, second life did help me to become motivated to write this essay." The fact that you went against the norm made me want to continue reading your essay to see why you felt that way. Your conclusion once again emphasized your thoughts on Second Life. The reference to your liberal education provided the reader with a better view of where your thoughts were coming from.
    Thank you for reading my paper thoroughly. Are there any things I might change to make it more cohesive? Any improvements to focus?
    Reviewer 4
    		The writer did a fantastic job maintaining the focus that was introduced within the first paragraph of the paper. From what I gathered after reading the paper, the writer''s thesis was that though Second Life activated some intelligences pertaining to leadership, human interactions are much more important and beneficial to developing leadership traits. The writer also conveyed a general annoyance of the program Second Life, explaining the problems he encountered while participating in class, and his general skepticism about the relationship between this virtual program and mtivation. The writer introduced what he planned to discuss in the first paragraph, then developed a logical progression defending his position against Second Life as a leadership training tool. I did feel, however, that by at first defending second life because you learned from your peers and then opposing it because of the technical problems was somewhat unfocused. Perhaps a good transition sentence in between the 6th and 7th paragraphs like, "but benefits of second life are uncomparably to conversations that could have been made face to face" or something like that, just to clarify to the reader that even though you did learn from your conversations, actual human interactions are much more beneficial. But overall, I had a really easy time understanding your thought process, and I loved reading your paper. Great job!
    thanks for the transition tip; I realize that is something for me to work on, as others have also commented on it.
    Reviewer 5
    		I think your thesis is that SL did not motivate you to write P2.

    I think you supported your thesis throughout your paper by giving examples of how it didn''t work out as expected for you, but I also think you should include in thesis statement how the specifics (leadership, reading, writing, etc) did not help. I noticed you don''t focus a great deal on Ken Wilbur, and since we are writing about our role models, I think it would help if you went more into the specifics on which ideas and thoughts you had absorbed from your role model.

    In the 3rd and 4th paragraphs you speak about others role models and the traits that you can learn from them, but I don''t think it is essential to write two paragraphs on it because the rest of your paper focuses more on the effects of SL.
    Thank you for the criticism. This type of commentary is the most helpful in improving a paper. Good point about unnecessary reiteration of others role models because you''''re right, the rest of the paper is focused on SL.
    Organization (Overall quality: 5.8 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1 All pictures are discussed and placed in logical flow with the text. Organized not so much chronologically as by topic, with several paragraphs to encapsulate specific ideas without blurring them. There is a bit of an abrupt change between paragraphs 11 and 12 where some connective tissue might be in order. Other than that, I enjoy how a theme of liberal education, balance, and self-awareness runs throughout your essay, including the balance of the execution of your thesis
    I shall do my best! Transitions are crucial! Any insights into how I might better integrate text and images?
    Reviewer 2 Your organization is impeccable. You address why you chose your role model, what you learned from your peers, the a couple good things about Second Life and then the bad things about Second Life. Your thoughts are clear. The pictures are well integrated. The captions are very helpful in that you provide information in it other than stating what the viewers can see just by looking at the picture. I enjoy the caption to the picture of your chatting. However, I think you should add a couple more captions especially to the pictures of your SL group chats. Look to your other captions for models. Do not state the obvious in your captions.

    The introduction was excellent. I like you actually have a thesis and a sophisticated first couple of sentences that address the "modern world" in general. The conclusion provided a good summary of what you said. And your last sentence provides a good clincher.
    Yes, good. That''''s also what I found in reviewing other papers: use the captions to your benefit instead of having them merely as a formality.
    Reviewer 3 Your organization of the essay was essential in helping the reader transition from one thought to another. One problem I saw in your organization is the incorporation of your visuals. You should incorporate your captions into the text instead of having them in their own sentence. Your visuals are referred to and were sufficient in developing your essay. Your use of several paragraphs was excellent because all of your thoughts aren''t clumped together, and they have their own paragraph to further explain how they connect to your overall purpose. There is a need for more transitional words throughout your essay. For instance, when you are shifting to a new paragraph, a transitional phrase could be at the beginning of your new paragraph because most of your paragraphs are dealing with the same subject. So when you have a couple of paragraphs that are talking specifically about Second Life, you could use Next or Furthermore to go into your next paragraph.
    Thanks, good detailed suggestions about transitions. I have received this from others and realize that TRANSITIONS ARE MY DUTY!
    Reviewer 4 This may be a little repetitive, because I sort of covered this in focus, but the writer maintained an extremely logical sequence. After the introduction, he moved from writing about his leader in p1, learning from peers'' role models using second life, personal leaderships out of second life, the advantages of second life, the disadvtages of second life, and what he learned from second life. The lack of images does draw away from the paper however. Perhaps consult the "requirements" webpage (http://www.cwrl.utexas.edu/~bump/requirements.html) (9. Converted projects are to be uploaded to a web site. If you do not use a blog account or have your own web site, you can use your webspace account. See Putting Pages on the Web Using Webspace in your anthology. Then follow the instructions, written by Brooks Antweil in E375L, sp 05:


    1. Go to http://webspace.utexas.edu and log in to your personal page.


    2. To make it easier, I made a separate folder called E 375 L just for my project.


    3. "Share" the folder that will contain your project (instructions in the course packet).


    4. Now go into the new folder. Click the "Upload" button in the tool bar. Find the file (not the folder) that your project is saved under. This will most likely be in your "My Documents" folder in Windows. The one you''re looking for is "(filename).htm," so if your file is called "project1," the file you want is called "project1.htm." When this file is uploaded, you will have uploaded the written part of the project, but not the pictures.


    5. When you saved the project in ".htm" format, Word also created a folder with the same name as your project to hold the multimedia files (read "pictures"). The default name of this folder is "(filename)_files"; (using the previous example it would be "project1_files"). In the same directory as your "project1.htm" file in webspace, create a folder with the same name as the one that Word created for you. You have to do this because Internet Explorer will not let you upload the entire folder. To do this, click "New Directory" in the webspace toolbar and type in the exact name of the folder that word created. Make sure that all spaces and underscores are there, and all words are spelled correctly, because the name of this folder is going to be "sensitive."


    6. After you have created a folder called "project1_files" (just an example), click on this folder to open it. NOW, you can upload all of the files that are in the folder Word created. Make sure to upload every file that is in your Word folder. In other words, click the "Upload" button in the toolbar, and then upload each individual file from the "project1_files" directory on your computer.


    Once you have uploaded your complete project you need to make sure all files related to the project have their permissions set to "share" in Webspace. Try to view your project on Webspace. If the pictures don''t show up, try "view source" in your browser and make sure the file names match.)

    I followed these intructions using webspace and was able to both footnote and insert pictures. The blogger website is fine, but maybe this will help so you dont have to create 2 webpages. I felt like the pictures that were included, however, were somewhat sparse. They were just the bare minimum. I would have liked to see another picture of Wilbur, or maybe of your parents, or something like that. But the pictures are nicely captioned. Your use of transition is brilliant however. For example, "I can learn from them, among many things, strength, certitude, and the courage to proceed with a vision.


    But becoming the leader that I want to be involves emulating people close to me as well. " was one of my favorites. The transitions are well developed in the beginning of the paper, but their strength somewhat diminishes later on in the paper. For example, " I found myself asking others instead, avoiding what might be called discovery learning through a computer game.


    This experiment in Second Life did exercise certain leadership skills. " Between these two paragraphs I questioned the organization. I would have liked for you to group all of the advantages together and all the disadvtages together... instead of kind of hopping aorund. But still, the organization, like your writing in general, was practically flawless.
    Yes, my images are painfully sparse. My blogger spit them out some how. Thanks for the tip though and good suggestions about transitions.
    Reviewer 5 The organization of you paper was good and the paragraphs transitioned nicely from one to another. You don''t have captions for all of your pictures, however, and I think they can be better integrated in different parts of your paper. For example, the picture captioned "My first group chat in Second Life" can be inserted wherever you talk about how your group chats went or perhaps include a statement in the paragraph about the group chats. I also think that paragraph 11 "I was more motivated to write P1...motivation seem unrelated" might do better towards the beginning of you paper.
    Yes, next time I will try to integrate the captions into the paper. Captions can really be a useful tool if employed properly.
    Flow (Overall quality: 5.8 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1 Personally, I have more of a problem with use of linking verbs too frequently, as is the case in paragraph 12. Another non-punctuation related complaint would be too many paragraphs. However, this seems to be an opinion unique to me, as most sources seem to err on the side of too many paragraphs. The moral of the story is that it flows well as far as connecting back to ideas as well as forward movement with the exception of the same abrupt changed referenced above.
    Few typographical errors. Delete "a" in the second sentence of the second paragraph, etc. My markup will be given in class.
    Yes linking verbs are the devil. Active sentences will prevail, thanks for your encouragement!
    (I like smaller paragraphs)
    Reviewer 2 The writing flowed very smoothly. No apparent punctuation mistakes. I really enjoyed how you basically wrote everything that the class was thinking, but didn''t have the balls to flat out say it. Your transitions seem a little abrupt. I would recommend utilizing some transition words like "furthermore" or "moreover" or transition phrases. For example from transitioning from paragraph 10 to 11, you could say, "the lack of motivation is a reflection of the fact that second life was not a positive discovery learning experience." Or something along those lines.

    Original Sentence: New and innovative techniques are immerging all the time to teach leadership, which increasingly is entailing a wide variety of skills, such as emotional and interpersonal intelligences, and a means to find a balance between them.

    Corrected Sentence: New and innovative techniques emerge frequently to teach leadership, which increasingly entails a wide variety of skills, such as finding a balance between emotional and interpersonal intelligences.
    Good suggestions. Anything else in regard to flow? Transitions are my master (everyone is pounding me about them)
    Reviewer 3 I thought your flow was excellent. I could easily follow your train of thought. Each paragraph was started in the right place, which kept the flow going at a steady pace. I was able to find your main points. I perceived them to be your complications with Second Life, the differences in the process of writing P1 and P2, and the reasons for choosing Ken Wilber as your role model. Your punctuation was consistent throughout the essay. The similarities in your sentences did not go against the flow; they helped the flow. Your writing style showed off your good vocabulary. There was a sophistocated style in your writing because you choose not to use ordinary words all of the time. For example, your use of the words corporeal and decipher emphasized your formal writing style.
    Thank you, your comments are most appropriate for this category of critique. Any critical suggestions? How might I improve the flow?
    Reviewer 4 The argument was very well presented because the paper flowed so fluently. The main points include: the inefficiencies of Second Life as a means for communication, the advantages (learning about other people''s role models) of second life, and how the writer felt personally about second life. I started to pick up on a couple of little things. I know this is hard to avoid, but I started hearing the phrase, "becoming the leader that I want to be" or a version of it a little too often. I do not really know what you may have said otherwise.... but just try not to use the same phrases too often. In paragraph 4, " I aspire to become a leader who shows such compassion", you could probably cut out "such" because it is not necessary. Also in that same paragraph, "Just as Danielle finds this warmth in her father, I too find them in my mother and father." I would probably clarify what "them" you are finding. Is it this warmth? Or the qualities from the previous sentence? In paragraph 5, "ll of this talk about emulating great leaders has import for our experiment with Second Life because Second Life is a virtual world in which participants can practice being leaders. " did you mean to say "has importance"? In the sentence, "...subject ourselves to a lifestyle we currently only dream of and, with practice and dedication, we can make that dream a reality" I would like to see a little clarification of comma usage: perhaps move the comma after and to after of, and delete the comma after dedication. Also, I would add a comma in between Life and because, because it is a compound sentence. The last chunk of paragraph 6, the "people who lead well-rounded lives." is probably unnecessary, and it is also a bit too wordy. Your diction was fantastic. The organization and the focus contributed to such a greatly flowing paper. Your writing style is something to emulate. Nice.
    Thank you very much for taking the time to go into so in depth a critique. Most appreciated and most valuable. Wordiness is one of my sins for sure.
    Reviewer 5 Your paragraphs transitioned well as you wrote about SL. Sometimes your paper seemed a little pedantic and verbose like in your 9th paragraph when you write "A lack of humanness pervades computer games and interactions, and therefore trying to have a conversation, a necessarily human interaction, was difficult." Also in the 10th "Leadership was exercised by...attempts at human intervention." There are other bits and pieces throughout your paper. Overall, however, I think your flow was very good and I liked how you went from the beginning talking about leaders and university education (5th and 6th paragraphs) and so on throughout your paper.
    Thank you for the frank criticism. That is what I need in order to improve my writing. Pedantic and verbose: I admit it.

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