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12/8/2007 12:17:50 PM  

Writing topic:
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1st10/310/3/2007 6:35:28 PM10/2710/25/2007 4:47:18 PMMy Role Model and My
Final10/1910/19/2007 5:10:49 PM11/1910/25/2007 4:47:18 PMLeadership and the V

  • Make sure you uploaded a correct copy. Read your draft right after you submitted it. Click on the link of your writing to check it out.
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  • Back-Review or back-evaluation is your evaluations on the helpfulness of reviewers' feedback. This helps reviewers understand what feedback would be helpful. Your reviewers will receive half of their review grades based on this evaluation.
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    •  Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your 1st Draft
    Focus (Overall quality: 5.4 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1
    		I thought it was a wonderful paper about how Ken''s several passions created an amazingly worldly balance in his life.
    This is an important aspect of my paper, but not quite the thesis. It''''s good to know that Wilber''''s life seemed to be the focus.
    Reviewer 2
    		The purpose of the paper is to explain the influence of Ken Wilber through his attachment to balance, self-awareness through unconditional love and compassion. Everything seems to be relevant, however, in the 11th and 12th paragraph, you mention the Buddhist quartet, which I know contributed to your meditation, but the clear connection to Wilber is not really developed. You make it seem like you share this trait of meditation with Wilber rather than explaining HOW he inspired you. As a result the last sentence of the 12th paragraph doesn''t really fit in with the rest of the paper.


    Truthfully, I lost focus while reading this paper. It seems like a lot of what you mention seems redundant. Many examples are cited, and thoughts are initiated, but not fully developed. For example, in the 5th paragraph, you talk about balance. The last sentence talks about how a "properly weighted element" contributes to the "greater whole," but how does that relate to life? How does it relate to you? Do you find balance, and how does it affect you? When I''m looking for more about balance, you jump to his spirtuality. I do see that you continue with the idea of balance in paragraph 7 though through discussing active love and detachment. Maybe try putting the 5th and 7th paragraph before and after each other.


    However, paragraph 10 does the complete opposite. You comment extensively on compassion, and I understand the point you''re trying to make.


    I like how you focus about what you feel and how he influences your life toward the end. It really allows me to see how you apply some of Wilber''s visions. "I am preserving a sense of gratitude and awe; I am embracing something in which I have true faith."
    Thank you. Your criticism was very helpful. The commentary regarding the paper as a whole allowed me to read my paper with an outsiders perspective, which is difficult but very beneficial to do. Knowing which pieces were difficult or muddy helped to improve my writing. Also good personal commentary and advice, telling me how I could better link this paper to myself.
    Reviewer 3
    		The thesis is stated in the first paragragh; it seems to be "Ken Wilber is my exemplar, and as I learn from and become more like him, I increasingly become my own exemplar." The focus of this paper was immediately understood; all aspects of Mr. Wilber fasciante you and makes you strive to become a better person. If you can, try and cite more literature. Possibly finding some idea or point illustrated in Mr. Wilber''s novel that emphasized on him being a role model. Your conclusion did reinstate the thesis; it summed all of your ideas and reasons for choosing Mr. Wilber as your role model.

    I would like more criticism. What was difficult for you to understand? where could the writing be more clear... The approval is nice but it doesn''''t much help the paper.
    Reviewer 4
    		The writer did an incredible job introducing his idea of a role model, or someone who, “leads a life that others envision creating for themselves”; he then continues by describing the role model to be discussed, listing key aspects of his exemplar such as balance, compassion, intellect, self-awareness etc. The writer does a terrific job connecting the characteristics he idolizes in his role model to his own personal goals in the future. Furthermore, the introduction paragraph leads nicely up to how he came into to discover his role model, to his exemplars journey. The writer focused on many of the elements pertinent to class discussions, role models, leadership, unity, and self-discovery. The only paragraph I found somewhat ill fitting was about how his role model is intrigued by pop culture… I just did not feel like it was absolutely necessary. He cites quotations naturally and adequately, and the quotes are not forced or awkward. He eloquently described his role models journey as the journey he hopes to one day enjoy, a journey he is obviously already enjoying. Great Job.
    Thank you for the complements and you clearly read the paper. More criticism - where was the paper difficult (and thank you for the one par you mentioned) - and more specifics. Acutally maybe more general feedback about what holds the paper back.
    Reviewer 5
    		I feel like you talk continuously about balance in your middle paragraphs, but don’t include it in your introduction. I’m having some trouble trying to figure out what your thesis is. Parts of your paper focus on Wilber’s success and his life, but don’t seem to really pertain to the rest of the paper-like the amount of books he reads in a day. Sometimes you focus on the influence he has on your life directly, and sometimes you focus on his achievements- I think you could combine them a bit more.
    Good valuable criticism. It was important for me to clarify my thesis and purpose. More specifics would also be helpful. Comments on integrating the paper more succesfully were good as well.
    Organization (Overall quality: 5.8 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1 I like how each detail of his life that you admire is coupled by a discussion of your discovery of his teachings as well as commentary of how you tailor your life as such.
    More criticism please. And comments about the multimedia aspects.
    Reviewer 2 The organization is alright. I did mention previously how paragraph 5 and 7 seem to work better if they were before and after another.


    I really enjoyed the videos and how you integrated them perfectly into the writing. It was nice to see Wilber as a person teaching his ideas. The ceasing of the brain was entertaining and it put an image on what you''re talking about meditation; allows me to have a better understanding of the power of meditation and how it relates to you. The first caption to his picture is very true. He does look very incisive. The picture of Wilber''s website is a little random. You talk about pop culture, yet you show his website. Maybe talk about the significance of the website to explaining his thoughts on fashion and pop culture.


    The transitions of the paper are a little sudden. For example, from paragraph 9 to paragraph 10, you first talk about how gratitude brings you into the moment, but then all of a sudden you are wrapped up in your self and cold in the following paragraph. They are two very extreme emotions. I would somehow try to put a transition sentence into paragraph 10 with something like "Although I express gratitude, I find myself becoming cold when I become too wrapped up in myself..." Something like that.


    Each paragraph does deal with a subject and the conclusion talks about how you are inspired by Wilber, personally, which is excellent.
    thank you for insightful commentary. Good suggestion on par organization. And it is nice to know how the videos worked for you. It has helped my writing to ease the transitions.
    Reviewer 3 There is not much work that has to be done on organization. If at all possible break up some of your paragraphs. But for the most part, I was able to understand your thoughts clearly. There was refence to the pictures, but there could be referred to the text more. The multimedia went along great with your essay. Intergrate them a little more.
    commentary on how to better integrate the visual content is helpful. Any ideas?
    Reviewer 4 The organization of the visual and verbal rhetoric is clear, and I am very impressed with the videos. The author refers to all of his visual rhetoric. They are essential examples of a couple of his exemplar’s ideas. The paper maintains a very logical order of sequence, developed and sustained across the paragraph. All of the paragraphs transition and have good introductions and conclusions. Not only does the writer describes how he stumbled onto his role model, his role model’s life, ideas that his role model exhibited and practiced through daily routines, the connection of his exemplars parents and the writer, but also the steps that the writer has taken to become close to being his role model like meditation, daily rituals like expressing gratitude, and identifying what it is he wants. After reading this paper over 4 times, because I really do enjoy the content so much, I cannot find any areas that need better transitions.
    I am flattered. Are there really no places that would benefit from new transitions? I really want to know what parts of the paper were sticky. Was it convoluted, too complex?
    Reviewer 5 Some of your transitions between paragraphs are kind of random-like skipping from talking about his teachings to your desire to meet him then to what you admire in him. I like the pictures you used and the caption about his website is interesting.
    Help with transitions is good. I need to work on that. What else? what is good about the pictures?
    Flow (Overall quality: 5.4 )
    ReviewerCommentsBack-Review
    Reviewer 1 Honestly, there is nothing I would have changed
    There must be something...
    Reviewer 2 The style of the writing seems very complex. I personally have a hard time reading it because that''s just me. But one thing that bothers me is that you use prepositions at the end of your sentences or independent clauses. For example, paragraph 9, last sentence. Possibly reword it. Also a lot of your thoughts seem very complex, and I can''t really understand your point unless I read through it three or four times. Try simplifying and clarifying. For example, paragraph 7, "Together, they drive a creative tension." How? I understand that the quote explains it, but an example would help.


    Watch out for some grammatical errors and words that are left out.


    Original Sentence(s): It is easy fall deeply into introdspection, to neglect the world. It is easy hide from yourself and attach to the lives of others. Both are seemingly easy; both create problems.


    Revised: To fall into introspection and to neglect the world, to hide from yourself and attach to the lives of others is easy, yet problematic.
    Very good specific examples. And thank you for complaing a bout the complexity. We must be on a wave length. That is the most important thing for me to work on I think. I need to clarify and reduce unnecessary cmplexity.
    Reviewer 3 The flow was awesome. You did a great job of transitioning to differnt thoughts and opinions. Some of your sentences were brief and should be combined because they interrupt the flow. For example in the eleventh paragraph or the one that starts with "When I am too wrapped..." Punctuation did an great job i helping with the flow; I was able to see the end of a thought and the beginning of a new one.
    God suggestion. good example but some more specifics would be helpful. Where was the paper choppy?
    Reviewer 4 The writer touched on all the topics he addressed in his thesis. Main points that I picked up on were: integrating body, mind, and spirit into his being, which he described with daily rituals like expressing gratitude through breathing exercises; finding balance in life, because it will all contribute to a greater whole; his struggle to balance active love and detachment, cultivating compassion through the compassionate exchange; realizing personal vision, goals for fulfilling a life which are beauty, love, and understanding. (Many main points, but in a good way, they all lead to each other ;) There were only a few moments where the punctuation bothered me. In paragraph 2 the author writes, “yet now I cannot imagine leading a life uninformed by his work” but I think (I could be wrong with all of these because they aren’t really punctuation but more grammar) that maybe it should be “uniformed of his work.” Also, in paragraph 3 he writes, “Reading philosophy and psychology, however, diverted his attention from medicine and he chose not to finish medical school” and I would place a comma after medicine and before and. In paragraph 8 (the one right after the you tube video) he writes, “It is easy hide from yourself and attach to the lives of others” but maybe rewrite that to “It is easy to hide from yourself and to attach to the lives of others” just to clarify a bit. Also, I didn’t really like ending the 9th paragraph with “future becomes my oyster”… the metaphor could maybe use a little more clarification like “future becomes my oyster, ready to pry open” which may sound too cheesy but might complete it a little more. In the 11th paragraph he writes, “I become unhappy though I be resistant to admit it “ when it should read, “I become unhappy though I am resistant to admit it”. Finally in the last paragraph, second sentence, I would rather, “spiritual balance” instead of “spirit balance”. Those aren’t so much punctuation as weird nit picky things, but I hope that helps. For the most part, your flow is phenomenal.


    Thank you for so many specific examples. Actually, more general crticism would be helpful. What were the overriding issues that really impede understanding?
    Reviewer 5 The flow within the paragraphs was smooth and nice. I think each paragraph stands well on its own, but not as smoothly as a whole.
    More criticism

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