REVIEWS OF OTHERSÕ P1
DOA REVIEW P1
Focus
very good (6)
The first paragraph is a good ÒhookÓ for the paper. Clear
and intriguing imagery. It does not, however, provide a clear thesis. The
second paragraph sets a clearer purpose for the paper. Maybe you could switch
the two – with a little modification it could work well. Is it really
necessary to keep the reader from knowing who your role model is? Before you
have mentioned GandhiÕs name, it is awkward to refer to him: Òthis
well-renowned person,Ó Òthis person.Ó I think your intent would be clearer if
you spilled the beans or figured out another way use this trick.
You have incorporated many aspects of the prompt into your
paper and it is a very good response to these provocations. The focus of the
paper could be strengthened by focusing your paragraphs. There are several
paragraphs that can be split. Depending on whether you change the order of the
first and second paragraphs, you might split the second paragraph at
ÒMohandas.Ó The third paragraph could be split after the Sweatt quote, at the
period between the words ÒtogetherÓ and Òfrom.Ó The fourth paragraph could be
split after GandhiÕs quote, before the word ÒMoreover,Ó and then again at
ÒGandhi practiced Hinduism.Ó Refining the focus of individual paragraphs will
strengthen the focus of the entire paper.
Your conclusion is well written. It refers nicely back to
the second paragraph (which seems like it should be the intro par.).
6
I am glad that this reviewer
told me about my first paragraph just like some of the other reviewers did. I
know that the first paragraph is a good hook to the paper, but I also know that
it should connect to the second paragraph better. Also, I know that my first
paragraph does not provide a thesis; my second paragraph was technically
supposed to be my main introduction paragraph which contains the thesis
statement. That is good advice that maybe I could switch the two paragraphs
around. The reviewer is also right that I do not have to keep my role
model''''s name a secret throughout the entire first paragraph and almost the
entire second paragraph! Great advice! I know that I could possibly split my
paragraphs because they each are somewhat long, but each paragraph talks about
an aspect of Gandhi that I admire, so I am not really sure if I want to break
my paragraphs. I will definitely think about it though! I am glad that you like
my conclusion!
Organization
Good (5)
Your pictures, although they do not have captions, are
clearly related to the text. (Which means they worked well for me.) The light
bulb and the picture of the Bhagavad-Gita donÕt strengthen the paper. As deep
as your subjects were, you might try to find some images (video or sound would
be great) with a little more depth to them. A photo of a demonstration/protest?
Your writing is inviting; it is lucid and comprehendible.
Again, I think the organization would be greatly improved by splitting your
paragraphs. I donÕt think you need to introduce all of your paragraphs with
obvious transition words like ÒFirst and foremost,Ó Òfurthermore,Ó Òmoreover,Ó
and Òlastly.Ó These words have their use, but when overused make the paper a
bit stiff. Your paper develops well. It is smooth and logically cohesive.
Gandhi is clearly a wonderful role model.
5
The reviewer gave me some
specific details on how to fix the organization of my paper. He told me which
pictures were not necessary to be in my paper. He also told me that
organization of my paper could improve if I split up the paragraphs. Also, the
reviewer specifically told me that I do not need to use transition words all
the time.
Flow
Average (4)
As with the paragraphs, I think many sentences would be
strengthened by splitting them. The ideas are good and the words convey them
well, but the conjunctions unnecessarily extend the sentences. Also try to
replace prepositions/prepositional phrases with more active words (or remove
them if they are unnecessary). Several places can use commas, especially when
you are giving two names for the same concept (Ex: ÒKshatrias, or warriors,
followed by the Vaishyas, or businessmenÓ). Words such as Òreally,Ó Òa lot,Ó
and ÒquiteÓ weaken the nouns they modify. They can be replaced with better
words or, often, removed.
First paragraph: Òbouncy rubber ballsÓ is a good idea but
would be stronger if ÒThese questions bounced back and forth like rubber
ballsÉÓ The following sentence: Try a period after relieved and remove Òand
felt like.Ó Final sentence: would be stronger if split. ÒI began to understand
myself. I began to understand not only whom I desiredÉÓ
Second paragraph: The misplaced modifier in the first
sentence weakens the intent of the paragraph. Maybe: ÒI know that this
well-renowned person who has greatly encouraged me since I was a little girl
has always been standing on a pedestal in my mind.Ó Second sentence: scratch Òa
number of times.Ó Third sentence: Òas he is from Gujarat, the state of India
both my parents are fromÓ should either be enclosed in parenthesis or commas or
the structure of the entire sentence could be revised. Scratch Òfor why.Ó
Fourth sentence: do you Òlook highly uponÓ someone? Or is it Òthink highly ofÓ
or Òadmire.Ó Sixth sent: an example of where a preposition can be removed:
Òwhich means Father in Gujarati, my native language.Ó A sentence that can be
split (second to last): ÒGandhi motivates me. His impact on the worldÉ are
inspiring.Ó The last sentence seems tacked on (like you just remembered that
reading and writing were important to the essay. ItÕs ok, I did the same).
Third Par: I like the personal connection you have.
GandhiÕs family and your family are from the same place – adds a nice
dimension to the import of your role model. Sentence beginning with ÒFromÓ
about half way through the paragraph: a little slippery. Try ÒMartin Luther
King learned much from GandhiÕs theoretical writings on bringing diverse groups
of people together. He practiced GandhiÕs teachings whenÉÓ Several sentences
later: place commas before and after Òincluding myself in Professor BumpÕs
class.Ó Cut down second to last sentence: ÒÉbeliefs and principles. He was thus
able to influenceÉÓ
Fourth Paragraph: first sentence: is it an ÒoxymoronÓ or a
contradiction? And is it really the oxymoron that you admire anyway. You admire
GandhiÕs character. Fifth sentence: add comma after ÒIn South Africa.Ó Seventh
sentence: Òwas adamant about keeping his turban on while practicing.Ó Next
sentence: ÒIn this state of beingÓ does not make sense here. Two-thirds through
paragraph: Move Òmost likelyÓ to the front of the sentence (ÒBy reading about the
wayÓ). Also, I think ÒlearntÓ should be Òlearned.Ó Final sentence: Òwhich
required an enormous amount of mentalÉÓ Some the ÒthusÓs are also superfluous.
Fifth par: replace ÒsinceÓ with Òbecause GandhiÕs mission
was to destroy.Ó Remove Òbegan to understand the meaning behind Brahmacharya
because heÓ so that it reads ÒGandhi read.Ó
Conclusion: ÒGandhi with his nonviolent nature overcameÉÓ is
weak. At first I thought it just needed commas but I think it would still be
weak. Try restructuring the sentence. Your ideas come across clearly. You
demonstrated the point you set out to make.
DANIELLE REVIEW P1
The focus of your paper is very good. It is very
consistent, understandable, easy to follow. I was able to discern what your
topic was and then how each of your examples related to it. Nice clear thesis:
ÒThrough my dad, I have come to see that individuality should be celebrated in
everyone and that it is what makes us different that will ultimately give us
success in this life.Ó Very nicely focused individual paragraphs.
The subject of the 7th paragraph is not clear. Are you
admiring Chief Grey Wolf or your father?
Your fatherÕs quotes are an interesting touch. I do think,
however, that you could have had some more quotes from outside sources. It
would add another layer to the writing.
7
My father is Chief Grey Wolf so
I now know that I need to clarify that better. Also, it was helpful that you
told me to add quotes from outside sources. Although I appreciate the positive
comments, a little more criticism would help me bring my paper to its full
potential.
Organization
Excellent (7)
Again, I donÕt have much to complain about. Excellent
photos – they are integrated very well into the text. Their significance
is clear and their personal value enhances the personal content of the paper.
Your paper is logically ordered. The introduction is intriguing; the conclusion
is most definitely satisfying. It is insightful and well written. I especially
like this sentence: ÒI love my dadÉ he has treated his life.Ó The stories you
tell draw the reader in.
6
Thank you for all of your
positive feedback. Again, more criticism would be more beneficial to me and my
paper.
Flow
Good (5)
As far as following the main points, the flow of the paper
is also good. Some of the grammar and punctuation, however, disrupted the flow.
Try to avoid inserting too many ÒthatÓs and beware of the occasional run on.
Also, do not capitalize Òdad, fatherÉÓ unless it is that personÕs name.
Remember Òdad and I,Ó not Òdad and me.Ó Here are some suggestions:
HANNAH REVIEW P1
Focus
very good (6)
Thesis: ÒCoupled with an outstanding personality, it was
the creative act of writing that guided and defined Mary Kay AshÕs life of
perseverance, persistence, and passion.Ó Your thesis comes at the end of the
second paragraph. I think you can integrate the first and second paragraphs for
a clearer focus. The first paragraph is really strong and is written very well.
I donÕt like the final two sentences however. They seem tacked on. You can take
the second paragraph (at least the core of it) and place it about half way
through the first paragraph (after Òit is those peopleÉ that lead the world.Ó)
Use the rest of the first paragraph as commentary in other parts of the paper
or try to craft a new second paragraph.
Once the paper revealed its focus, it was very clear. The
rest of the paper after P. 2 is very clearly focused. You have incorporated the
writing aspect of the prompt very well – interesting insight into the
writing process as a way to help people discover themselves.
The sixth paragraph (Mary Kay success) is weak. I donÕt
think it supports the point you are trying to make. You introduce the prospect
of her companyÕs success well (ÒBy supporting enthusiasm and allowing employees
to maintain a balanced lifeÉÓ) but the evidence doesnÕt really support this
claim. The fact that the company has made so much money is unrelated to Mary
KayÕs ideals, intentions in starting this business. This is corporate financial
success; is there better evidence of the success of Mary KayÕs ideals? Has the
company remained true to its founderÕs intentions?
The conclusion is not as strong as your first paragraphs,
but you have an excellent idea about the writing process. Maybe by
incorporating some of the material from the first paragraph (all the best
insight doesnÕt need to be in the first paragraph) you could strengthen the
conclusion.
Good use of quotes and paraphrasing, as well as outside
sources.
7
Your ideas are very helpful.
You gave very specific advice. You put a lot of input in about my whole paper.
Organization
Good (5)
Good overall organization. The paragraphs, with a couple
of exceptions, are clearly focused on one point. I think you can alter the
first two paragraphs as mentioned above. The end of the fourth paragraph is
weak. The last sentence (ÒShe also espousedÉÓ) seems misplaced, but I was not
able to figure out where to place it. Maybe you donÕt need it at all.
The pictures are OK but not great. They are clearly
related to the text, but they donÕt add much to it. You could strengthen the
paper by trying to find some visual demonstrations of Mary KayÕs ideas, such as
balance and passion. Are there photos of Mary Kay in action? This may be
difficult but it would strengthen the paper. I also was not able to open the
video.
7
Thanks for pointing out the
misplaced sensentce. And wonderful idea about the pictures.
Flow
very good (6)
Very good flow. Nice language, nearly perfect punctuation,
and good clarity. You write well. There are a few convoluted phrases that slow
the reading, but they are not terribly hindering.
Here are some suggestions:
WILL REVIEW P1
Focus
very good (6)
Thesis: ÒEssentially, I admire John Lennon because of his
desire to help the worldÕs downtrodden, his ability to influence others to live
better lives, and the tenacity he displays every time he stands up for what he
believes in, no matter how unpopular an idea.Ó I clearly understand where you
are going with this paper. Each of your topic sentences relates back to the
thesis. Good use of quotes. Using lyrics from his songs is an effective way to
demonstrate what he stood for as well as the importance of writing in his life.
I think you could have emphasized more the ways in which LennonÕs legacy is
important to you specifically. Instead of summarizing his life, make
connections between his and your own. You did this when you wrote about the
aspects of yourself that you would like to improve. It would strengthen the
paper if you could make it more personal. (Ex: How is standing up to the poor
relevant to the way you live your life?) Lennon was an important figure to so
many. Do you perceive any ways in which you can become more like your role
model? How will you become him? Good clarity though.
Your conclusion added a nice touch to the paper. I like
your declaration directly to Lennon. This brings out personality.
7
It is very helpful to know that
I didn''''t tie Lennon''''s traits into my own life enough. That is a central
element of the paper and I want to improve this. This should vastly improve the
quality of my paper.
Organization
Good (5)
The three pictures of Lennon are very good. Nice captions
to connect them with the text. The ÒpeaceÓ picture doesnÕt add anything. I
think even more pictures would strengthen the paper (because the ones you do
have – minus the bird – bolster the writing greatly). Also, John
Lennon was a musician. Therefore, sound clips are definitely pertinent. The
lyrics in the paper are very good so hearing him sing those lyrics would add
even another layer their meaning. Audio would be great.
The organization could be improved by shortening the
length of the first and second paragraphs. (I give examples below.) The first
paragraph has more information than it needs. Use it to setup the topic and
then flesh it out in the body paragraphs. It is easy to get lost in long
paragraphs. The second paragraph can be split at ÒLennonÕs music does not
always have the catchiest of melodiesÉÓ
7
Perhaps I should references the
bird in the text? I''''ll have to either do that or replace it I suppose.
Thanks for the tip about shortening paragraphs. I agree that shorter is better
but I tend to get carried away! I had one audio clip, but I guess one more
could never hurt.
Flow
Good (5)
The punctuation is good. The rough spots in the flow are
minor funky grammatical errors and unnecessary or empty modifiers. The topic
sentences, though they clearly relate back to the thesis, feel a little abrupt.
Paragraphs could flow together better. Here are some suggestions:
DOA REVIEW P1
Focus
very good (6)
Thesis: It is important to have conviction and to be
innovative in order to be a contributing member of a society who simultaneously
achieves his own goals. Your second paragraph seems like your real
introduction. The first paragraph, though it is a nice illustration, doesnÕt
connect to the rest of the paper. Maybe it could work if it were incorporated
differently, say along with an image or in fragments that demonstrate examples
throughout the body of the paper. As it stands, it is confusing. The subject in
the first sentence is too abstract – too many pronouns – and it
threw me off for most of the paragraph. If you want to keep the first
paragraph, try using the present tense. It is stronger.
Your paragraphs are well organized with topic sentences
clearly relating back to the thesis. Your conclusion sums up the paper nicely
(good insight) but some of the transition words at sentence beginnings are a
bit stiff: Òconclusively,Ó ÒFurthermore,Ó Òfinally.Ó I donÕt think you need all
three (ÒfinallyÓ is the weakest).
You have some nice examples of Johnny Depp exemplifying in
his work the characteristics you admire. I especially liked the bit about
DeppÕs guitar playing Òreinventing the classics and going beyond.Ó
Not done.
Organization
Good (5)
IÕm not sure of the meaning of the first photograph. Is
this person succumbing to peer pressure? The first video (guitar playing) is an
excellent demonstration of what you are writing about. It is excellent evidence
of DeppÕs (at least his characterÕs) resistance to drugs/peer pressure. You
incorporate the second video well. IÕll just take your word for it that Depp is
being innovative.
Good overall structure – clear except for the first
paragraph. I especially liked the question to introduce one of the final
sections: ÒSo now what?Ó That helps to logically order the paper. Your
conclusion is strong and helps unify the paper. The fourth paragraph, which
ends with Òand positivelyÓ could transition more smoothly into the next
paragraph. Some of your others do so quite well.
Not done.
Flow
Good (5)
The choice of past tense distracts from the strength of
the writing. The fourth paragraph (beneath the first picture) especially could
be strengthened. Ex: ÒThis conviction was what eventually forged DeppÕs
followingÓ could be written ÒThis conviction has forged DeppÕs following.Ó
There are a few confusing sentences in this paragraph as well. The second
sentence is a run on and Òthe intimacy with the troubled that his music
displayedÓ doesnÕt make sense. The fifth sentence is a run on (period after
ÒwritingsÓ). And the word ÒjobÓ seems to be a mistake in the sixth sentence.
ÒAs well as thrive elsewhere in the face of temptationÓ is a little convoluted
and could be clarified (eliminate Òas well as thrive elsewhereÓ?). Second to
last sentence is weak. Try a more active voice: ÒDeppÕs [self-assurance?] has
enabled him to become a leader. He is a positive role modelÉÓ
Second Paragraph: You begin by making a general claim
(ÒweÓ) but then proceed to challenge the claim with the evidence of your own
life. Instead of introducing the second sentence with ÒIn my caseÓ (it sounds a
little pompous) try ÒI have learned that Ônothing gold can stayÕ is not
necessarily true.Ó In sentence three, you place the emphasis on the ÒWhatÓ
question when it seems like the ÒwhoÓ question is really what you want to
emphasize. Try switching their order. The commentary afterwards (Òdelicate
balance,Ó and the questions) is really insightful. Asking questions is an
interesting way to introduce ideas. In the final sentence of the paragraph,
ÒquintessentialÓ should just be Òessential.Ó
Fifth paragraph: The sentence Òunwavering set of idealsÓ:
ÒunwaveringÓ and ÒtimelessÓ are really strong words that suggest resistance to
change. Second to last sentence: Òhe [insert has] survived Hollywood [eliminate
quotations].
Fifth Paragraph: Third sentence: Òhe pursued this career
[what career is that?] doggedly.Ó Clarify. Also, the present tense is stronger
– insert where applicable.
Sixth paragraph: fourth sentence: Òan idea new to most of
usÓ: making a generalization about people that most people would not like to
have made about them. Maybe try Òa difficult taskÓ instead. Second to last
sentence before video: Òbut positivelyÓ is misplaced; try ÒpositivelyÓ before
Òfueled.Ó
Seventh paragraph: fifth sentence: place Òwith each movieÓ
at the end of the sentence. Next sentence: replace ÒafterÓ with Òsince.Ó I
really like the sentence Òhe never abandons his dreams or his methods; he
simply reinvents them.Ó Good strong sentence, clear and concise. After that,
what is Òremark abilityÓ?
Eighth par: the fourth sentence is unclear. You switched
subjects without referring to the new subject; the sentence seems unconnected
to the previous ones.
Conclusion: sixth
sentence: scratch ÒwhatÓ and ÒisÓ so it reads ÒIt is important to remember
that.Ó I love your phrasing next: Òstudents should never be afraidÉ success is
limited only by our perception of it.Ó