Learning Record: Responses to Others

April 13, 2006

WILL

"Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness."
This is a misplaced modifier -- you don't mean to say that "worries, stress, and other static" are "fully engaged in the rock."

When you talk about leaving for your pilgrimage, it's not clear to me whether you went alone (really?) or with others.  Clarify?

“Traveling and living out of your van pay doesn’t pay very well.”  Typo?  I think the verb should be plural.  Maybe you meant "Traveling and living out of your van don't pay very well.”

Will, I'm curious about why you chose this dream and not others.  If you were wealthy, would you rock climb by yourself, even though it is "selfish"?  Why is it egotistical?

CHERYL

"In elementary school, I gawked at Jennifer being the teacher, because I could read better than she could." I don't think "gawk" is appropriate here, since it means to "stare or gape stupidly."  You are trying to express surprise, so maybe "In elementary school, I was confounded (OR: dismayed) that Jennifer wanted to be the teacher, because…"

"Jennifer’s difficulties in school became a way of learning about different teaching methods."  This is abrupt and somewhat vague.  What difficulties does Jennifer have, and how did she teach you about different teaching methods?  Give examples.

"On the left, there’s a picture of me debating in E603B. "  This would be more appropriate as a caption.

"This feeling reoccurred as I interacted with Dr. Bump’s granddaughter in E603A."  I am not sure that "reoccurred" is a word, as I could not find it on dictionary.com.  Why not "recurred" or "returned"?

SHARON

"As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “If a man hasn’t discovered that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live."  Do you mean "what he will die for"?

"I saw the importance of finding out what was truly important in life."  You use "important" twice.

"At the time, I thought this was kind of ridiculous, but now that I think about it, it was her way of showing her appreciation for these people who pick up trash and are not generally thought of by others who take them for granted."  The last part would be better if it were "appreciation for the people who pick up trash and are generally not thought of and taken for granted by others."

Sharon, you spend a lot of time talking about your grandmother.  Since you don't have any pictures yet, maybe one of her would be appropriate.

RACHEL

"But then along came professor Bump, another thorn in my side."  Since "Professor" here is his title, I think it should be capitalized.

"It was lost on me; I had nothing insightful to say about it, and no convincing strategy for relating it back to myself with any real confidence or conviction."  You use "convincing/conviction" twice.  Maybe scrap the last "or conviction."

"The most obvious examples of ideologically knowing that which is beyond the ego are people like Gandhi or martin Luther King, Jr. – people with “vision.”"  Martin should be capitalized.

You mention "three things that I would like to give society," but I'm curious about how you decided on those things specifically, and what they mean to you.

Thank you for your exhaustive comments!

SUSAN

"The power of leadership however, is also its paradox; auguring the greatest potential for mankind as well as its greatest temptation."  I think there should be a comma before "however"

"I can date this strange longing to a very early age. I am not sure exactly how it began."  These two sentences seem to contradict.  What about "I can date this longing to a very early age, but I am not sure what began it."

" In highschool, my participation in Model United nations heightened my interest in international relations."  "High school" should be two words.

It is the inevitable querencia where my aspirations dwell.  I've never heard the term "querencia."  Elaborate?

VANESSA

"By forcing myself to travel to unfamiliar places and to take risks that I will not be comfortable with at first, I feel that my true self will be able to emerge and I will be able to leave a “ghost” behind that I am proud of."  I think you are saying that you will be proud of your true self, not the ghost.  Try "I feel that I will be able to leave a "ghost" behind and a true self I can be proud of will emerge ."