William McDonald
Subject:
Shortly thereafter I graduated to climbing my dad¿s bookshelves, and
then I set my sights on increasingly taller trees in the neighborhood.
Hey Will,
I
just want you to know that I make a ton of nit-picky suggestions, some
substantive. It's just what I do as I read these papers.
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Shortly
thereafter I graduated to climbing my dad¿s bookshelves, and then I set
my sights on increasingly taller trees in the neighborhood.
Drop the second "I". (see what i mean by "nit-picky"))
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On
my first day of kindergarten, I pulled myself up the rope in P.E. class
all the way to the ceiling of the gym. My classmates and teacher were
boggled.
after "gym" add a comma and "boggling my classmates and teacher." Its more active.
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For me, climbing is much more than just a hobby; it is an all encompassing passion. It motivates me like nothing else ever has.
all-encompassing
also,
you should write "...passion that motivates me like..." because that
second sentence should be as closely related to "passion" as possible.
I think it makes the point stronger and more clearly.
----------
Fully
engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud
my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.
This
sentence needs to be restructured to avoid confusion and make it more
active. The first clause "Fully engaged in the rock" modifies "I"
(although t is not in the sentence), but seems to modify "rock". A
quick fix can drastically improve the sentence:
Fully engaged in
the rock, I replace the worries, stress, and other static clouding my
head with a sense of clarity and happiness.
however, this
implies a more active process of replacing the static. I think you are
going for the sense that the engagement in the rock causes this to
happen. So, maybe this is better:
My full engagement in the rock
replaces the worries, stress, and other static clouding my head with a
sense of clarity and happiness.
-----------
This feeling
of exhilaration and mental clarity, coupled with my love of the
outdoors, is the driving force behind my passion for rock climbing.
Instead of "is the driving force behind" just write "drives". It rocks harder.
-------------
The
second paragraph is good. Very zen. However, although I know the
impression you are going for, I don't feel your sense of passion in the
writing. Try adding more imagery and emotions and give this a really
transcendental feel. I know you can do it! Here's an example of what
you could do:
Instead of:
Just for a little while, my mind focuses solely on the rock, and I feel no stress about my exams.
Change "and i feel no stress about my exams" to something more airy and/or magical. For example:
"on the rock, intrusive thoughts about exams evaporate from my mind, my stress following closely behind."
Do something that suits you.
-------------
My
plan was to defer college admission for a year, and, along with my best
friend, spend the time driving through North America climbing and
taking in the land.
"taking in the land" is a flat expression. You should give it some LIFE.
-------------
I could not find another willing partner, and, with my plans crushed, I resigned to attend UT Austin in the fall.
"resigned"
doesn't really work. I tried for a minute to think of the right word,
but I will defer that duty to you. Just know that "resigned to attend"
is not the right word usage.
-------------
I worried that I would feel guilt or regret after dedicating myself to such an egotistical pursuit.
It might not be "egotistical" as much as "isolationist".
------------
That was good, Will. I especially liked the last quote you chose.
Cheryl Joseph
When I was younger, I spent hours pretending I was a teacher.
I think you can do a few things to make your opening sentence have a lot more "spunk".
1.
You might consider changing "When I was younger" to something more
intriguing such as "As a _____ young girl,". You can fill in the blank
with something that suits you best. You can even get really creative:
"As a young, pigtailed girl with rosy cheeks and a precocious
attitude,". At the very least, the change to "As a young girl" gets rid
of that intrusive "I".
2. "pretending I was a teacher": first of
all, you should have a "that" before "I". But, you can avoid the
situation and make the sentence alot cleaner by rewriting this phrase
as "pretending to be a teacher".
3. make the sentence more fun! did you just spend "hours"? or did you spend "endless marvelous hours"?
----------------
My
best friend, Jennifer, and I would go to her mother¿s elementary school
classroom and argue over who qualified to be the teacher and who had
the dreaded position of being the student.
1. You don't need quotes before and after "Jennifer" (but you would, if you wrote "Jennifer, my best friend, and I...").
2. try something more exciting than "go". How about "take over" or something that little girls do.
3.
"qualified" doesn't really work in this context. You could say "argue
over who was more qualified to be...". Or, you could try "argue to
determine who would be awarded the esteemed teacher position and stuck
with the dreaded role of student."
-----------------
Our
other friend, Emily, would pout and beg us to play dress-up. If we
would just switch to her game, everyone could be whatever they wanted
to be.
1. again, drop the commas.
2. The first sentence might
benefit from a stronger sense of context. Perhaps let us know where
Emily is in the story. Also a small hint to introduce the second
sentence with could help a lot. For example:
"Pouting during the few times she joined us, our other friend Emily would beg us to play the more democratic game of dress-up."
3.
The second sentence could also be changed to transition more nicely.
Also, making this an indirect quote could add some energy into the
paragraph:
"That way, she touted, everyone could be whatever they wanted to be."
In
this form, the sentence doesn't need quotation marks, because you are
not directly quoting Emily. The ", she touted," just gives the sentence
more character, since it indicates who is speaking.
-----------------
No amount of convincing, however, would suffice. We were stubborn.
1.Suffice to do what? Maybe append the sentence with "to change our stubborn eight-year-old minds."
2.
Also, "We were stubborn" doesn't really explain why you wouldn't let
poor Emily play her game. Why not take out that sentence (the
"stubborn" bit being added on to the last sentence) and say something
like, "We loved our imaginary classroom, regardless of it's inequities."
-----------------
Now
I look back on those days of steadfast determination and decision with
nostalgia and recognition that ¿time brings continuity and change, and
amidst all of it, nostalgia has become a way of resisting its passage
and the change it brings.¿
1. This should start a new paragraph.
2. "decision" doesn't work. You could either take it out or change it to "decisiveness".
3.
possibly to avoid conflict with that "nostalgia" in the quote and use
"wistfully" instead. (ill show you how after the next suggestion).
4. the phrase "with recognition" is awkward. perhaps you can restructure the sentence to avoid that:
Now
I look back wistfully on those days of steadfast determination and
decisiveness, and recognize that ¿time brings continuity and change,
and amidst all of it, nostalgia has become a way of resisting its
passage and the change it brings.¿
The comma is there to avoid confusion between the two "and"s. It is grammatically permissible in this case.
--------------
My
parents forced me to take the class during my sophomore year, and my
friends watched with surprise as I become engrossed in the activity.
"the
class" is ambiguous. designate which class you are talking about. also,
i did not assume that you were in a debate class so far, so you might
use "a" instead of "the". revision: "a debate class"
-----------------
Cheryl,
I
liked your paper a lot. The different memories and events you weave
together are all very powerful. However, I think you should try to make
the focus of the paper more clear. Try defining your vision more
ambitiously and closely connecting these events in your life to the
process of creating this vision. For example, try explaining more
concretely why your pretend teaching games influenced your vision.
Perhaps if you stated your vision toward the beginning of your paper,
like a thesis, your paper would flow better overall.
Some of the
elements in this paper were distracting. For example, the parts about
nostalgia at the beginning were not strongly connected to the primary
purpose of the paper. Although I thought they were good, they might not
be essential for your paper. Don't be afraid to cut sentences like
these out! (although you should save them in a word file to spark new
ideas in the future).
Good luck with editing. Let me know if you want any more input!
Always,
Brian
Sharon Liao
When death comes, realizations surface, too.
Take the comma after "surface" out.
---------------
Recently,
all too painfully, events have reminded me of one such principle that I
first realized with the death of my grandmother in the 2003.
1. The comma after "recently" should be an "and": "Recently and all too painfully,...".
2. By "one such principle" do you mean the first sentence? If so, you should write "this principle".
----------------
Her
death right before junior year, a year in which many people stressed
out excessively about grades, I wondered, ¿Isn¿t there more to life
than this?¿
1. Since the clause before "I wondered" is
dependent, you should add "After" or "Because of" to the beginning of
the sentence. Another way to fix this problem would be to change "I
wondered" to "caused me to wonder".
2. That phrase set off by commas is very confusing in this sentence. Perhaps you could write:
"Happening right before my already stressful junior year, her death caused me to wonder, 'Isn't there more to life than this?'"
-----------------
At
the funeral, and later at the memorial service a couple months later, I
heard numerous stories about the kind things my grandmother had done
for other people.
The beginning of this sentence needs to be
cleaned up: "At the funeral and, a couple months later, the memorial
service, I heard..."
--------------------
This leads to a few problems because of the abstract nature of the epiphany.
revision:
"The abstract nature of my epiphany leads to a few problems."
also, i don't think you define the problems at this point, leaving the reader hanging.
------------------
The means of realizing this ideal will be the basis of what I decide to do with my life.
this sentence needs to be revised to improve its clarity:
"My life decisions will center on realizing this ideal."
----------------
Many well-meaning people have offered suggestions for occupations for me.
"suggested" is much cleaner than "offered suggestions" (either way, you would offer "suggestions of", not "for".). Revision:
Many well-meaning people have suggested occupations for me to pursue.
----------------
Or is my purpose to find my purpose?
That
sentence is logically circular. What about "Or is it my current duty to
discover my future purpose?" You can change it however you would like.
---------------
What
really appeals to me is that I have a chance not only of increasing
students¿ knowledge about the world around them but also to influence
them and the way they perceive things.
1. appeals to you about what?
2. "chance to" not "chance of". Also, you must keep the "chance to" together, and put the "not only" after.
3. I think you could make the sentence more active and clearer.
Revision:
"Education
appeals to me because it will give me the chance to not only teach
students about the world around them, but also influence the way they
perceive the world."
--------------
Sharon,
To
improve your paper, you should try rearranging it so that it flows
better. When you began discussing your grandma again, the transition
was abrupt and unanticipated. I think a more organized structure would
greatly enhance what you already have.
Overall, the paper was
compelling and touching. It was brave of you to incorporate such a
personal subject as your grandmother's death into the paper, and the
effect of doing so is powerful. Good luck with the revision! Feel free
to approach me if you would like more advise.
Always,
Brian
Susan Shaffer
Susan,
I
am unsure whether sleep deprivation or this sappy music filtering
through my headphones contributed to the alternating feelings of joy,
nostalgia, and hope I experienced while reading your paper. I was
spellbound. Aw shoot, now I'm getting all choked up. Go on, Susan.
Africa is waiting for you.
Just one minor suggestion:
I
know with a soul deep certainty that I am the one I have been waiting
for, that I can take my life and use it to make a difference.
"soul deep" should be hyphenated i think.
Also...
If they deny you from veterinary school, THEY WILL ANSWER TO MY FISTS OF FURY.
Here's to the baobab tree!
Brian
Ben Gustafsson
In the familiar words of Mirabeau B. Lamar ¿a cultivated mind is the guardian genius of democracy.¿
needs to be a comma after Lamar
--------
Today,
¿Education Reform¿ is one of those curious notions that emerges during
election cycles, is flattered and fawned and disappears as quickly and
quietly as it comes.
1. "education reform" shouldn't be capitalized.
2. comma after "fawned" please
3. personally, i would prefer, "Today, the curious notion of "education reform" emerges...". But, that's just me.
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It
is a melancholy truth, that Americans treat no other virtue with as
much carelessness, contempt and hypocrisy as they do education. It is a
terrible irony, that this institution which receives universal praise
from our congressmen and from our citizenry is the most marginalized
topic in politics.
1.For goodness sake, remove that comma after "truth". And, you really should wash more frequently.
2. And the comma after "irony". HONESTLY, Ben.
3. Fortunately, those two commas are of some use! Particularly, before "which" and after "citizenry".
4. Also, take out the second "our" its outrageously clumsy.
5.
These two sentences have significantly congruent structures, meaning
that they are closely related. Why not join them with a conjunction? I
think "and" would do nicely. Take a look at a little bit of
compound-sentence magic:
It is a melancholy truth that Americans
treat no other virtue with as much carelessness, contempt and hypocrisy
as they do education, and a terrible irony that this institution, which
receives universal praise from our congressmen and citizenry, is the
most marginalized topic in politics.
It's long, but extraordinarily clear thanks to expert comma-placement.
-------------
Incidentally,
the runner-up is our soaring 8.3 trillion dollar debt, a symbol of our
frivolous, gluttonous and irresponsible public spending policies.
You should write "runner-up topic" because it is unclear whether you are referring to "institution" or "topic".
--------------
The
department of agriculture, office of personnel management, veteran
affairs, the department of transportation and the Social Security
administration, all have significantly larger budgets then the
department of education [2].
You and your commas! Take the one after "administration".
-------------
To break down the extent of our pork barrel spending in the last decade would require volumes.
should be "Breaking down the extent...".
--------------
Furthermore, education is primarily funded at the state level ¿ in State of Texas the level of apathy is appalling.
The
hyphen in this sentence is not used correctly and doesn't clearly
relate the antecedent to the first part of the sentence. You should
write:
Furthermore, education, which is primarily funded at the
state level, is regarded with an appalling level of apathy in the State
of Texas.
---------------
In 2003, the state of Texas spent an average of 3,255$ per student, earning the unenviable 46th ranking in the U.S.
Ranking for what? You have to let us know, even if it is sort of clear from the data provided.
----------------
The impact of rising unemployment continues to lower living conditions in the lower socioeconomic strata¿s.
No apostrophe needed.
--------------
Because
education in the U.S. is overwhelmingly regionally funded, low income
communities receive substantially inferior schooling from the
kindergarten through high school. The effect is to perpetuate social
disadvantages and the failure to inculcate basic civic virtues.
Just a note: you didn't really provide any evidence that education was related to these social and economic problems.
--------------
If
successful this would dramatically change the attitude towards
education and learning among cultural in-groups who have traditionally
deemphasized its importance.
Comma needed after "successful".
---------------
Ben,
your paper points out some compelling inadequacies in the American
education system. However, I don't think that simply increasing funding
is the best way to tackle the problem. Especially in low income school
districts, increasing funds rarely correlates to an increase in the
quality of education (although, these are certainly not popular
statistics that can easily be found on Google). I think you should
consider more innovative methods of improving the actual approach to
and attitude about education in America.
Also, I am not sure you
really discuss your personal vision in this paper. Maybe you should
discuss ways you plan on personally taking action in regards to this
issue.
Anush Emelianova
Subject: One truth I have found is that either option, intellectual or professional, is valuable.
Stephen Daedalus in A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man is oppressed by Catholicism.
1. the title should be italicized
2. also, isn't that somewhat of a generalization?
---------------
One truth I have found is that either option, intellectual or professional, is valuable.
I
think you should use hyphens instead of commas. After "either option",
the comma appears to be setting up a list of terms, following "option".
The hypens would prevent this slight confusion.
---------------
Hey Anush,
That
was an extremely solid paper in both content and style. I feel,
however, that you make a few generalizations and leaps about what
"freedom" means in these different contexts. For example, the Christian
idea of freedom is somewhat more complex than simple freedom from sin.
It implies a freedom to fulfill one's purpose, which for a Christian is
to know, love, and serve God (the "truth"). Purity, then, is basically
a side-effect of this freedom.
For this learning record, perhaps
you should try to define your purpose to some degree. You certainly
have the basic freedom to do a lot of things in your life. But, these
things don't always leave you with the greatest freedom to fulfill your
purpose.
Always,
Brian
Rachel Sibley
Subject: Society is investing in my education, under the assumption that there will be some sort of return.
Rachel, the wise,
You
are so wise, and I know you have all of the answers. So, I guess I was
a bit disappointed when you questioned and explored for so much of your
paper. I think you should go about more concretely defining a vision.
Although, I think the questioning and exploring was certainly valid and
awesome.
Much Love,
Brian
Some revisions:
Society is investing in my education, under the assumption that there will be some sort of return.
1.
This could be written more actively. 2. I think "under" is incorrect
preposition usage and should be "with". 3. the comma doesn't need to be
there. 4. Below is my suggestion.
Society invests in my eduction with the assumption of some sort of return.
-----------
It
seems to me that this responsibility falls all the more heavily to plan
II students, who allegedly receive the best undergraduate liberal arts
education the university has to offer.
1. "all the more" is excessive when "more" will suffice. It's also a big stylistic no-no.
2. "education" should be "educations"
--------------
Moreover, this is not the first time I have felt privileged in my education.
try
"educationally privileged". Sorry, I'm on a mission to exterminate
every last preposition on the planet. No, really. Just don't count that
last sentence.
--------------
Eleanore Knox
Subject: I haven¿t made straight A¿s since recess was listed on the report card.
It
was compassion and respect. But more importantly, it was compassion and
respect for people who were so vulnerable, who by society¿s standards
were useless.
1. I think you should write "I heard compassion and respect." "It was.." is too dull.
2.
The end of the second sentence, "...who were so vulnerable, who by
society's standards were useless." Isn't properly joined with that
comma. Try revising it like this:
"...who were so vulnerable and considered useless by society's standards."
-------------
I haven¿t made straight A¿s since recess was listed on the report card.
Do you mean, "I haven't made straight A's since 'recess' stopped appearing on the report card."
--------------
Eleanore,
I
think your paper is excellent, in both style and content. Your writing
is very clear and coherent. I particularly liked how your connection to
Louisianna shines through in this paper. The writing is really down to
earth, but definitely soars at times, particularly when describing your
mother's interactions with her patients.
Since I HAVE to give you
a suggestion, you might consider discussing how your approach to the
medical field affects other areas of your life. However, I think your
paper feels complete as is: a truly inspiring approach and attitude
towards life.
Always,
Brian
Meagan Hughes
Subject:
The business school takes amazing measures to allow students to learn
about the different options in different fields as well as what steps
students can be taking now to reach their career goals.
My
roommate gave me a present the first week of school that she had found
when she went off to explore the campus for the first time.
To
improve the structure of this sentence, you should place "The first
week of school" at the beginning, so that you don't separate the
adjective-clause from the subject.
During the first week of college, my roommate gave me a present that she had found while exploring campus for the first time.
-------------
I believe that I have used my time at the University of Texas thus far exemplifying what Dean exclaimed.
The
mischievous "thus far" intrudes upon this sentence. Fortunately, you
don't even need the little bugger, since the phrase is implied by the
verb tense you use.
------------
I have learned, loved,
and lived as much as I can, and at the same time I have developed
dreams and concrete goals for the future.
This is really picky, but i think you should revise this sentence like this:
I
have learned, loved, and lived as much as I can and, at the same time,
have developed dreams and concrete goals for the future.
--------------
I think that one of the most meaningful things that I have done this year was meditating at Waller Creek.
1. "I think that" is unnecessary. We know this paper is about what you think.
2. "meditating" should be "meditate" to agree with "done"
-----------
The
business school takes amazing measures to allow students to learn about
the different options in different fields as well as what steps
students can be taking now to reach their career goals.
1. "to allow students to learn" = "to teach students"
2. "options" implies that there are different options. Therefore, drop the "different" before options.
3. what kind of options? write "career options"
4. instead of "as well as", use "and". Its more elegant.
5. take out "be taking" and add "take"
-------------
I
have realized that eventually I want to create my own actuarial
consulting firm. Thus, I can use my math abilities to solve other
business¿s problems and at the same time incorporate aspects of
finance, managerial business, and probably marketing. I want to be
independent yet still work amongst people on a team.
1. As is,
"eventually" modifies "I want", implying that at some time in the
future, you will want to create your own firm. Unfortunately, this
sentence implies that you never get your idea off the ground. Change it
to this:
"I have realized that I want to eventually create my own actuarial consulting firm."
2. "thus" isn't the right word here. But, I think we might take it out altogether soon.
3. "amongst" is usually "among" for americans, at least. "among" is also less of a mouth full.
4.
When you write "working among people on a team" you don't really imply
that YOU are on the team. Look at my revision to see how to change this
situation.
5. "incorporate aspects of finance, managerial business,
and probably marketing" is a goal that includes "use my math
abilities...problems". I think a restructure is in order:
I
have realized that I want to eventually create my own actuarial
consulting firm, which would incorporate aspects of finance, managerial
business, and probably marketing into my career. This way, I can use my
math abilities to solve other business¿s problems and realize my dream
of being independent yet still working with a team of people.
--------------
I have found that the one thing that inspires me everyday is that I pursue everything I love.
"I have found that" is an excessive phrase. You should try to get rid of these kind of phrases.
------------------
Thus,
I believe that limiting one¿s participation to one thing prevents that
person from being able to learn all that they can about themselves.
"thing" is ambiguous. Try to get rid of a lot of "thing"s.
------------------
Hey Meagan,
Your
paper was good. I made a few suggestions about grammatical things you
can do to fix the paper such as define what "thing"s are and eliminate
excessive phrases. As a more general suggestion, I think you should
explore the idea of living for something greater than the ego. I think
there are so many ways you can incorporate that idea into your future
goals. In fact, I'm sure you already have. But, you should try to get
that idea out on paper.
Always,
Brian
Noel Wells
Subject:
It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my
future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?
It¿s the general consensus that any aspiring actor or actress is driven by one thing: their desire for attention.
"their" should be "he or she". You can avoid this by simply replacing it with "the".
-----
It¿s
hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my
future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?
Maybe something like this would more clearly relate this sentence to the last:
It's hard to say whether my desire for attention was the catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, ...
----------
Entertain is key because as I went through the various stages of childhood, I learned how to use entertainment to my advantage.
Entertain should be in quotes.
-----------
I loved making the teacher¿s laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.
I think this revision makes the sentence more punchy (also, the apostrophe doesn't need to be there):
I loved making the teachers laugh and my friends beg for more of my funny faces and impersonations.
------------
And
as the years went on and I was moved from school to school, the ability
to entertain helped the painful transition and was sure to win some
friends.
As the years went on and I moved from school to
school, my ability to entertain assuaged the painful transitions and
was sure to win some friends.
------------
I completely
respected the process, and though I could learn the skills and execute
them well, I had no depth of vision and wasn¿t really dedicated or
driven by set design or backstage work.
The "and though" does not relate the two parts of the sentence clearly. I think it should be "but although"
------------
There is a vision that the designer has, and true talent comes in the ability to articulate this vision into a garment.
I don't think "articulate" works. Try "transform". "Sew" might be good too.
-------------
Good
paper, Noel. I hope you start a media-revolution! I think the paper
could be made a bit more concise in order to make a few of your points
more powerful, particularly at the beginning. But, thats just my
opinion.
Break a leg!
Brian