Learning Record Midterm:
Responses to Others
William McDonald
“It was
then that I formed this vision for my future” Just add a period, and the sentence is
great!
I love
the ending when you tell the reader that they’re simply free to be. Maybe you could incorporate this concept more
when you talk about sympathetic imagination a few paragraphs earlier. Great job- it’s really well written and
incredibly clear that you’ve found what you love to do!
Sharon Liao
“What
they do not realize is that this is something I need to find for myself. I have
thought long and hard about this.” I
think this series of sentences could be clearer if you define “this”. Is it finding a specific occupation or
finding a passion or is it something else?
The
sentence that really struck me is “I want to help them before they need to be
helped.” I had never thought of teaching
that way, and it’s really inspiring. If
you want to add to the paper, you could expand on that sentence or expand on
the section about teachers who have inspired you. Maybe give specific examples. Good job.
It seems like you really reflected on this!
Susan Shaffer
“Over the years, my precocious career choices varied a lot; at one
time a declared a passionate conviction to be a baker.”
After the semicolon, I think the first “a” should be “I”--Over the
years, my precious career choices varied a lot; at one time, I declared a
passionate conviction to be a baker.”
The
writing’s amazing- It’s really hard to find something you should change. If you wanted to expand on something, maybe
include more information on what you’re doing this summer in
Benjamin Gustafsson
“The impact of rising unemployment continues to lower
living conditions in the lower socioeconomic strata’s.” I don’t think you need the apostrophe in
“stratas”. So, the sentence is now “The
impact of rising unemployment continues to lower living conditions in the lower
socioeconomic strata.”
To make this more personal, maybe you could discuss how
this became your passion. Was there a
specific event or time in your life that triggered this interest? Great job--you really make the problem clear!
Vanessa Cooper
“I think that I am the type of person who needs this experience; I
need to be thrown in the middle of unfamiliar territory and to be completely
disoriented in order to find my way and to find my true personality.” I think this sentence could be more effective
if you take out the second “to find” so the sentence reads “I think I am the
type of person who needs this experience; I need to be thrown in the middle of
unfamiliar territory completely disoriented in order to find my way and my true
personality.”
I
really liked the paper--maybe you could add something about how you found this
passion. You talk about being fortunate
to go to college, etc. but was there a specific
incident or period in your life that helped define your goal? Great job!
Puja Parekh
“I
found particular solace in fantasy stories, because the little worlds they
created had the ability to transport me away from my own mundane one.” I don’t think you need a comma before
“because”. When “because” starts an
introductory clause, a comma follows it, but for some reason not when it’s in
the middle of the sentence. So, the
sentence now reads “I found particular solace in fantasy stories because the
little worlds they created had the ability to transport me away from my own
mundane one.”
The background part of the paper is really developed, maybe try to add more in about your vision (how
you’ll accomplish it, etc.). Great
job!!!
Mita Lakhia
“For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted was to become a
lawyer.” Watch for commas after the
introductory phrases—“For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to
become a lawyer.”
It’s
really hard to suggest stuff to expand on--it seems like you covered mostly
everything. In terms of pictures, maybe
add a visual depiction of the problems you’re hoping to alleviate to really
show the impact you hope to make. Great
job!
Thomas Lopez
“This
mode of thinking is infectious to the community and it only serves to stop
people from enjoying the present.” I
think you need a comma before “and”—“This mode of thinking is infectious to the
community, and it only serves to stop people from enjoying the present.”
To add
to the paper, maybe include some inclinations of what you might be drawn to
do. I totally understand the feeling of
having found the principles you want to live by, but maybe discuss issues that
have sparked your interest. Great job!
Anush Emelianova
“Ernestina's
prospects, for example, are limited to aristocrats and wealthy business.” Ernestina’s specific prospect in this
sentence confused me--is it her marriage prospect? If so, “wealthy business” should be “wealthy
businessmen”. Or, if I’m getting the
prospect wrong, just clarify it.
When
you talk about class limitations, you give examples to show how you’re not
confined by class. Maybe follow the same
pattern and add examples of societal and psychological constraints to expand on
“societal and psychological constraints seem the most dangerous to me.”
Great job!
Rachel Sibley
“It
seems to me that this responsibility falls all the more heavily to plan II
students, who allegedly receive the best undergraduate liberal arts education
the university has to offer.” Earlier,
you capitalize “Plan II”, so I would in this case for consistency—“It seems to
met hat this responsibility falls all the more heavily to Plan II students, who
allegedly receive the best undergraduate liberal arts education the university
has to offer”
I know
it’s difficult to find a specific vision, but you get close when you’re talking
about your childhood dreams. Maybe go
into more detail about what you dreamed of then and in what ways it keeps
coming back to you.
Laura Anderson
“There is a common idea that it is a moral code,
that Christians follow it in an effort to be good people, or that it is
a sort of self-help course that people use to help them cope with the pressures
of life.” I think you should clarify
what “it” is to make the sentence clearer.
You
could expand on what specifically your vision is. Do you want to lead others in understanding
Christianity? Or lead through
example? Great job--I love how much the
writing incorporates your voice!
Eleanore Knox
“It was
the way the patients changed the way they thought about themselves, because
they knew that they mattered to her.” I don't think you need a comma
before "because" or the "that” before "they"--"It
was the way the patients changed the way they thought about themselves because
they knew they mattered to her"
I
really liked the way you talked about how you’re not like most of the plan 2 or
pre-med students--it really made the paper seem personal. If you want to add something, you could talk
about why you came to UT. You discuss
how different UT is from your home, but was there something that drove you to
come here? Great job--It was really
personal and passionate!
Meagan Hughes
“It was
a poster of James Dean with one my favorite quotes beneath it.” I think there should be an “of” before
“my”—“It was a poster of James Dean with one of my favorite quotes beneath it.”
If you
want to add to the paper, you could incorporate more about why you love
Noel Wells
“I
loved making the teacher’s laugh and having my friends beg
for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.” I think you could make this sentence more
parallel and take out the apostrophe in “teachers” by changing it to this—“I
loved making my teachers laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made
funny faces and did impersonations.”
I
really like the process you go through as you explain your pilgrimage. At the end, you say, “Through humor and a
thoughtful approach to production, I hope to be involved in a new wave artistic
movement within the media that will inspire individuals to demand for higher
quality entertainment.” Maybe go into
more detail about exactly how this will play out. You’ve explored so many different things in
your life--how will you combine them or use the best of all of them? Great job!!!