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Stand Outside Yourself and Write What You See

I've been at college a little over two months. It's hard for me to gauge my progress and my success because it seems like so little time has passed between our first LR assignment and now. In approaching my goals list, I'm quite disappointed at my lack of effort in fulfilling them. With the help of this class, and with just being at college, my inner sensibility is forever being challenged, and I am slowly recognizing the "value of stepping outside and repreceiving some of the problems [I] face. (159)" My Witness is forever whispering insights into my decisions, and hardly do I listen to her. If this fulfilling my goals list is ever going to work, I am pretty sure I'm going to have to make new roadways in my way of thinking.

Once again I feel the pressure of deadlines mounting over my head, and I realize as I'm rushing around frantically trying to finish my homework and cram some long- needed studying in, I'm not only stressing myself out but the people around me. What possesses me to continually ignore the nagging dread that creeps into my head and clouds my thoughts? It makes having fun hard. It makes life hard. And yet I still do it. I tell myself I will catch up on the weekend, but the only catching up I do is on sleep. I stay up late, and for what? Not for homework—no, no, no. The moment I attempt to study I fall asleep as well. There is a more to this situation than I can fully comprehend. It seems so logical to me the benefits of finishing these necessary chores early on. I refuse. I wonder if I've in some way identified myself with the "procrastinator. And even as I realize this, Dass is speaking in my ear, "As we loosen the hold of each identity so that we don't get completely lost in it, we are able to remain light and loose… (155)"

I have identified myself as a successful person. I have always been a successful person. Looking back at my goals list, the first four are goals that will help me obtain academic success. And while I realize that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be successful and taking the most out of my college experience, the fact is that I'm trying to reach these abstract goals as a part of some kind of pressure to be SUCCESSFUL, not for myself, but to others. It's perfectly acceptable to wish to be able to "Articulate my thoughts" better, but my wish for this comes out of a thirst to be just as good as other people in this regard, and to be as successful as possible. I cling to the ultimate ability to fluently express thoughts and arguments. My goal to "Obtain worldly knowledge" also reflects the pressure I feel to be successful in comparison to others. I feel like my prescribed experience at college is supposed to be some exotic exploration of history and higher levels of thought, which I agree that in some respects it is. "There is more to the mind than reason alone" and there is more to the college experience as well (157). So my goals are all built up to be a good college student. A college student that can articulate her thoughts, who obtains worldly knowledge, who reads to have an arsenal of empty words and references, and one who gets to know EVERYONE and has "fun!" This is what it has come down to for me: Identifying with these goals. And so far I have been failing. As I continue to fail, I would like to take Dass's reassurance to heart: "We don't have to be 'this' or 'that.' We are free simply to be. (155)"

That is if I watch myself from a distance and keep this "awareness" of my identities. The most engaging subject of college thus far has been this thought of "intuitive awareness—that links us most intimately to the universe (157)." While I do not feel the need to throw away all my other goals because they are still practical and I feel that this thirst for knowledge and success is simply a natural occurrence of my character, I do want to amend the goals to be more flexible. Since you DO care about schooling and success, time management, Noël, really would help you be less stressed out. At the same time, in the event that you are feeling overwhelmed, try to attempt this meditation business.

I really enjoyed our Waller Creek excursion, even though in a way I felt that my attempts at meditation were contrived. I liked the challenge of making it not forced. Letting go of my insecurities and the possible ridiculousness of the whole idea brought some sort of emotional and mental fulfillment and ease. I don't know if it's a sense of open-mindedness that does this to me, but I really enjoy trying to connect to the world through meditation and different levels of thought. And as I said, though learning things from books and cramming my brain with knowledge may have some practical utility, it's also important to "just observe thought itself (158)." So far in college that has brought me the greatest sense of accomplishment. I'm afraid if I write it as a goal, however, it will suck out the natural fulfillment it has by making it a necessity that I continue to do so. I feel like it is very important too, and it would be placed at the top of the list, but even now by thinking of it as a goal daunts me. Perhaps I have problems with commitment. Or maybe I'm afraid that it will be too forced. So the best I can do is rearrange and edit the goals that I already have because I still feel they're important. I will try to make them less pedantic demands and more general and casual guidelines.

As far as my success with the course goals, I feel like I'm following along and doing fairly well. I know I have been basically keeping up with my work, and I feel that I have put an A's worth of effort into it. I'd like to think that I've been open-minded to the experience and enjoy the challenges here and there to my formal ways of thinking. I enjoy the projects because they do allow me to fuse my right and left brain thoughts if I so choose to do so. I always considered my creative brain to be more dominant, but in the web-bot creation I can see the fusion of both sides as my analytical brain is required to make the logical functionings of my bot successful. I enjoy this challenge and enjoy the opportunity to do so. I love our forays into nature, but sometimes I'm afraid that they may be forced, and not by Bump's part. I know you truly enjoy nature as well. I'm referring to not only the other students but the "nature" that we visit. It's all maintained by man, their careful attempts to harness the beauty of nature in the face of its destruction. Our Zilker Park excursion, while I appreciated the breath of fresh air and admired the work put into the garden, the event was cheapened when I realized that the initial love and care had been superceded by the goal to please the public. Instead of it being maintained by equally nature loving and caring individuals who have just as much investment in the garden as the original creator, workers and help have been hired to keep the garden looking pretty enough to make the patrons go, "Oooo" and "Aww."

I suppose I have to accept the clash between nature and man. Many of the animals around campus have. I escape in the precocious banter of the local squirrels, and though I want to leave them alone and let them be, like any other human, I want them to be mine. I want them to eat out of my hand and come to me for love and attention. How silly—I want to harness nature. The squirrels, bless them, have made use of man's nature and will cautiously approach humans when food is dangled in their face. They've adapted to the busy streets and sidewalks and live their life in harmony with their transforming world. I guess that could be another goal for me as well. Instead of resisting the change, and instead of holding onto my "identity," I should step back and let things come naturally. It's like a Chinese finger trap—the more I resist, the harder it is to … win. I guess.