My Responses to Others

1. Hello Will,

“Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.”

Since I’m not quite sure about rock-climbing terminology, my interpretation of this sentence may be off. I feel that sentence reads as if you were fully engaged in the “rock, worries, stress, and other static” initially. It isn’t until later in the sentence do I realize that there was a distinction from the rock and the following list. Maybe this will work?

When I am immersed in rock climbing the worries, stress, and other static that usually cloud my head are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.

I hope that is somewhat helpful. Though you did explain about the sort of effects rock climbing has on you, I would love for you to be more descriptive about the actual experience. It’s such a different environment, and a written sense of place would help connect the paper more to a deeper sense of your emotions.

Noël

2. Hey Cheryl

“My best friend, Jennifer, and I would go to her mother’s elementary school classroom and argue over who qualified to be the teacher and who had the dreaded position of being the student.”

I don’t know if this is right, but I don’t think that you should have your friend’s name offset with commas when you’re including her in the list “Jennifer and I.” Also, there may be some tense errors, but it’s hard for me to be sure without a more stolid grammatical background.. Though this probably isn’t the best way, I thought about rewriting it like this:

My best friend Jennifer and I would go to her mother’s elementary school classroom where we would argue over who qualified to be the teacher and who would be assigned the dreaded position of the student.

It would be cool if you connected the two parts of your visions in a final paragraph. Though you do wish you leave UT with a deeper understanding of yourself and your future, maybe you can tell how UT will unite your visions into a rewarding future.

Noël

3. Hey Sharon

“Her death right before junior year, a year in which many people stressed out excessively about grades, I wondered, ‘Isn’t there more to life than this?’”

I feel like this sentence is offering a lot of information and gets confusing towards the end. I try editing it so that you get a clearer structure. Maybe something like this:

Her death came right before my junior year—a year generally characterized by excessive stress about grades and college preparation. I began to wonder, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

Since we have a pretty good idea of the steps leading up to your vision, it would be interesting to see how you might work to connect to people on these deeper levels. Maybe that can be included in your 300 word addition.

4. Hey Susan

Sometimes I have to be picky, and my suggestion for revision may make it worse.

“Competition for the few places open in veterinary schools is fierce, and it is frightening to want something that there is a very real possibility of being denied.”

I just got picky with the second part of the sentence, especially with “that there is a very really possibility….”

I tried editing it like this:

Competition for the few places open in veterinary schools is fierce, and it frightens me to think that there is a very real possibility of being rejected.

You have your goals well-established, and it would be equally interesting to hear a detailed plan of attack as well as a more thorough explanation of what you expect from your aspirations.

Noël

5. Hey Benjamin J

“Today, “Education Reform” is one of those curious notions that emerges during election cycles, is flattered and fawned and disappears as quickly and quietly as it comes.”

If I’m reading this right, you need an “and” after the comma, but then you wouldn’t really need that comma. If it’s supposed to be a list separated with commas, you need to have more of an agreement among the three points. It would read like this

Today, “Education Reform” is one of those curious notions that emerges during election cycles and is flattered and fawned then disappears as quickly and quietly as it comes.

OR

Today, “Education Reform” is one of those curious notions that emerges during election cycles, that flatters and fawns, and that disappears as quickly and quietly as it comes.

I completely share your sentiments, but I also think that regular teachers should have a hire esteem as well, and then maybe the expectations for public education would be forced up with more qualified individuals. I think your paper would benefit from a personal touch.

Noël

6. Hey Vanessa,

“My classes are rigorous and the workload is heavy, instilling in me a large amount of information.”

I don’t feel comfortable with this particular use of “instill.” I think that a better way of phrasing this sentence might be like this:

My classes are rigorous and the workload is heavy, inundating me with a large amount of information.

It doesn’t read quite the same way, so you might think about rephrasing it another way.

You did a good job expounding upon your vision—you know just what you need to do. I’m curious to know what countries interest you and how teaching English will give these children a better opportunity in life. J

Noël

7. Hey Mita,

“The ideal, however, has shifted immensely from where it began to where it is now.”

For some reason I think the word “immensely” doesn’t really convey what you’re trying to say. It just seems empty, sort of like “very.” You might try revising it with another word. I thought of this:

The ideal, however, has shifted substantially from where it began to where it is now.

I don’t know if that’s any better! It’s completely up to you.

To expand, you could possibly include the ways you can help fight human rights. Will to travel to these countries, will you lobby, or will you file cases? I wouldn’t even know where to begin!

Noël

8. Hey Puja,

“I know that’s a ridiculous dream for a 8 year old, but my father had just bought a shiny new Gateway 2000 in 1994, and I spent as many hours as I could playing and exploring on the machine.”

You need to spell out “eight” (I get point off all the time for that) and it should be an. Here’s my particular revision for this sentence.

I know that’s a ridiculous dream for an eight year old, but in 1994, my father had just bought a shiny new Gateway 2000, and I spent as many hours as I could playing and exploring on the machine.

You have a great pilgrammage, but your final vision doesn’t seem to be explained or correlated with the rest of the paper. For your revision, maybe explain a little about why you are interested in protecting artists, and what benefit this protection will have. Break a leg tonight!

Noël

9. Hey Thomas

“While normally I would be thrilled with this realization – six weeks until school is finished, six weeks until I can savor the freedom of summer – I am only filled with melancholy.”

I’m wondering if the offset of “six weeks until school is finished” is necessary and placed appropriately between the dashes. Since you realized the first part of the offset in the sentence before, I think you would only need to explain your hopes for the summer. This was what I was thinking

While normally I would be thrilled with this realization (only six weeks until I can savor the freedom of summer!), I am only filled with melancholy.

I know my particular revision is clumsy too. Sorry L

You’re probably not too sure about your future career, but it would be interesting to see how you plan and on savoring life what steps you will be taking towards it.

Noël

10. Hey Eleanore,

“My mother says that at first I was somewhat hesitant; as a child of five, I knew nothing about biology, much less about dissecting a cat.”

I think that the semicolon connector is funny for some reason. You could revise it like this?

My mother says that at first I was somewhat hesitant—as a child of five, I knew nothing about biology, much less about dissecting a cat.

If that doesn’t work, maybe you should just make them two separate sentences.

It would be cool to add pictures from your childhood.

Noël

11. Hey Brian,

"A camper for the tenth year in a row, Marcus was the camp celebrity and unrivaled “ladies man.”

I believe there should be an apostraphe in "ladies' man."  Is that wrong?

Also, I thought your fragments were amazing.  I really did.  And I know we're all pressed for time, but I think that you definitely need to spend more time developing your vision. 

Noël

12. Hey Anush

I have a more specific suggestion for the this particular sentence that Cheryl included earlier.

“Ernestina's prospects, for example, are limited to aristocrats and wealthy business.”

I felt that there needs to more clarity in reference to “wealthy business.” Are we speaking about men that are in business, or her father’s business? I may be mistaken, but I didn’t think that her dad’s business was aristocratic. Isn’t that why Charles was so appalled by the prospect?

You tie yourself nicely to the anecdotes from our books. Great illustration of your pilgrimage, but I was left searching for the vision. Perhaps clarify that more in your LR Final or your revision.

Noël

13. Hey Rachel,

“In the last LR I wrote, I identified two aspects of "moving beyond the ego to know that which is greater than the self": experiential and ideological.”

This sentence was a little confusing and I had to read it a few times to understand what you were trying to say. My first suggestion would be to remove the “I wrote.” I know it is probably more of a stylistic choice for you, but to me the sentence would be a lot smoother if you didn’t offset experimental and ideological. Here’s what I mean overall:

In the last LR, I identified experiential and ideological aspects of “moving beyond the ego to know that which is greater than the self.”

I guess the only reason why I see this working better is because the inclusion of the entire quote makes the sentence awkward. It’s up to you!

Great pilgrimage related to Bump’s class. I know that you are planning on expanding your vision, so if I had a suggestion for revision, it would be that you had more of a lead in for your next segment. This would leave us all hanging and burning with more direct questions.

Noël

14. Hey Laura,

“I have already revealed myself in this class to be a Christian, and by now you maybe even know some of the specifics of what I believe.”

I have a simply suggestion. Change maybe to may. And perhaps you could change “what I believe” to “my beliefs.”

I have already revealed myself in this class to be a Christian, and by now you may even know some of the specifics of my beliefs.

Your intro was really intriguing, and I saw a nice sardonic sense of humor coming out that I really like about your writing. You make a lot of inter-textual references to what you have written, and I think in a lot of ways this is apologetic. You said you weren’t going to be apologetic about your beliefs, well don’t be about your writing either! Try to keep your biting frankness throughout. Oh… perhaps you should describe the steps you have taken throughout your life to fulfill your vision.

Noël

15. Hey Meagan,

“My experiences at UT have also encouraged me to realize my dream and have provided me with means to start pursuing it.”

Since this sentence is sort of long, I think it may help structurally to amend it like this:

My experiences at UT have also encouraged me to realize my dream and have provided a means to pursue it.

I enjoyed your ideas for teaching freshman to be individuals and to keep from being pigeon-holed. For revisions, perhaps you can expand your vision and extend its goals into your business.

Noël

Others’ Responses to My Vision

Author: JOSEPH, CHERYL MILDRED  <Cheryl.Joseph@bba05.mccombs.utexas.edu>

Subject: ¿I loved making the teacher¿s laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.¿

¿I loved making the teacher¿s laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.¿ I think you could make this sentence more parallel and take out the apostrophe in ¿teacher¿s¿ by changing it to this¿¿I loved making my teachers laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.¿

I really like the process you go through as you explain your pilgrimage. At the end, you say, ¿Through humor and a thoughtful approach to production, I hope to be involved in a new wave artistic movement within the media that will inspire individuals to demand for higher quality entertainment.¿ Maybe go into more detail about exactly how this will play out. You¿ve explored so many different things in your life¿how will you combine them or use the best of all of them? Great job!!!

Author: LIAO, SHARON  <s.liao@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: It's the general consensus that any aspiring actor or actress is driven by one thing: their desire for attention.

It's the general consensus that any aspiring actor or actress is driven by one thing: their desire for attention.

"Any" is singular, but "their" is plural, so you can take out any and actor and actress plural, or you can change their to his/her.
"It's the general consensus that aspiring actors and actresses are driven by one thing: their desire for attention."
OR
"It's the general consensus that any aspiring actor is driven by one thing: his desire for attention."

I thought your paper made some very valid points. I think maybe you could make the movies part more personal to you. You make a lot of generalizations without giving concrete examples, which might help.
On the whole, very thorough!

Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD  <thomas.lopez@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself

My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself.

My so-called dream now in shreds, I had no idea what to do with myself.

I think 'now' just sounds better earlier in the sentence. I really liked your LR because it was entertaining. If you wanted to expand it, I'd talk about some specifics regarding your vision.

Author: SIBLEY, RACHEL ANNE  <rachelsib@gmail.com>

Subject: " And as the years went on and I was moved from school to school, the ability to entertain helped the painful transition and was sure to win some friends. "

" And as the years went on and I was moved from school to school, the ability to entertain helped the painful transition and was sure to win some friends. "
replace "the ability to entertain" with "my ability¿" - own it.

A few more edits:

"Combine this with an inner desire to please everyone and you get a clearly established for my future aspirations as an actress."
I would suggest adding one word - platform
"Combine this with an inner desire to please everyone and you get a clearly established platform for my future aspirations as an actress."

"Though fashion design may be considered useless as far as hardworking individuals are concerned, it seemed that the folly was considered along the likes of a painter or a musician. "
use "this" instead of "the." The "along the likes of¿" sounds squirrelly.

"The same goes with movies as well. "
nix the "as well" - it is redundant.
"The same goes for movies."

Impressive (especially for having had to pull it in under the wire due to play madness). Your paragraphs transition well, and I like the evaluative argument you present at the end. I hesitate to suggest adding any class quotes, for fear that it might mess with the voice of your paper. But if you could perhaps incorporate class material in some other way - maybe do something crazy with the class music - you could definitely compile a cool soundtrack by picking out parts of the songs that you see as relevant to your project, but mixed in with your own musical selections, of course.

Author: MCDONALD, WILLIAM ENGLISH  <willmcd@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: Its hard to place my finger

Noel:

I think there are some verb tense issues in the first paragraph, specifically this sentence:

" It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different? "

I think the use of the past tense might not be neccesary. Perhaps you could revise this to read something like:

"Its hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that first sparked all my ambitions, but I worry that I too am solely by a desire for attention."

I kinda liked how you threw in the part about being an acting machine but I couldnt really find a way to work it in without sacrificing flow.

Later on, "My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself."

I would revise to read "With my so-called dream in ..."

In terms of the revision, I think you should definitely add more specifics about your vision. You spend a lot of time talking about events in the past, but I didn't hear as much about the future. Perhaps you can work in hammering that past into a unified future.

--will

Author: COOPER, VANESSA BETH  <expecto_patronum@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: I entertained the possibility at least, and went to Girl¿s State and volunteered with the local grassroots division of the Democratic Headquarters.

I entertained the possibility at least, and went to Girl¿s State and volunteered with the local grassroots division of the Democratic Headquarters.


I think you could take out one of the ands in this sentence: I entertained the possibility at least, went to Girl¿s State, and volunteered with the local grassroots division of the Democratic Headquarters.


If you want to expand, I would love to hear some specific examples of stuff in today's media to go along with your opinions...movies, TV, etc. Great paper, I really enjoyed it!

Author: SHAFFER, SUSAN ELIZABETH  <s_shaffer@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: Combine this with an inner desire to please everyone and you get a clearly established for my future aspirations as an actress.

"Combine this with an inner desire to please everyone and you get a clearly established for my future aspirations as an actress." You've ommitted a worder here. "You get a clearly established"....what? motivation, foundation? Since this was a simple problem, I'll throw in another omit: "And I still hadn¿t given up on dream of entertaining." You can insert either "my" or "the" in there before "dream."

Your design was very clever. I would suggest making the font larger so it obscures the static more. You early motivations were honestly and thoroughly canvassed. To expand, you could reference particular/plays/show movies that have influenced your decisiont to use satire as a catalyst for change or at least ones you think are good examples of directors who have refused to "sell out" to "Corporate America."

Susan

Author: HUGHES, MEAGAN PATRICIA  <meagan.hughes@bba05.mccombs.utexas.edu>

Subject: It was made very clear early...

hey noel, i really enjoyed reading your midterm, i think that the layout was genius. here is the sentence that i found:

It was made very clear early on how everyone felt about my future vision¿it was vain and fruitless

maybe get rid of the on...it was made very clear how everyone felt.... i think that it reads better that way, but its up to u.

Also, when adding pictures, i think that it would be really cool if you could photoshop yourself into the red carpet somewhere or on a movie billboard! overall i really liked it, awesome job!!!

Author: LAKHIA, MITA KRISHNAKANT  <Mita.Lakhia@bba05.mccombs.utexas.edu>

Subject: At the simplest level, an actor is only necessary for entertainment, and once that has been accomplished, there¿s nothing left to be desired.

At the simplest level, an actor is only necessary for entertainment, and once that has been accomplished, there¿s nothing left to be desired.

Maybe rephrase:

At the simplest level, an actor's only purpose is entertainment, and once that has been completed, there is nothing left for him to contribute.

I love it overall -- very you. Maybe you can add pictures of yourself wanting to do the different professions? Like singing, acting, whatnot :)

Author: GUSTAFSSON, BENJAMIN A.  <bgustafsson@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: All of these criticisms, though they worked to discourage me from pursuing acting and honing those particular talents, were considered carefully

All of these criticisms, though they worked to discourage me from pursuing acting and honing those particular talents, were considered carefully

I¿m not quite sure what you intended to say in this sentence but the ¿though¿ in the second clause confuses the meaning. It seems like you are saying, ¿even though considered this criticism, I considered this criticism.¿ I would write something like:
¿Even though these critiques had the unfortunate effect of discouraging me from pursuing acting and honing those particular talents, I was forced to consider them carefully¿
That should clarify things. I thought your format was very clever with the TV set, although a bit tedious to read. Also, I like how you used the anecdotes from the past to set up your argument.
Good work!

Author: DILLON, BRIAN ANDREW  <briandillon@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?

It¿s the general consensus that any aspiring actor or actress is driven by one thing: their desire for attention.

"their" should be "he or she". You can avoid this by simply replacing it with "the".

-----

It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?

Maybe something like this would more clearly relate this sentence to the last:

It's hard to say whether my desire for attention was the catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, ...


----------

Entertain is key because as I went through the various stages of childhood, I learned how to use entertainment to my advantage.

Entertain should be in quotes.

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I loved making the teacher¿s laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.

I think this revision makes the sentence more punchy (also, the apostrophe doesn't need to be there):

I loved making the teachers laugh and my friends beg for more of my funny faces and impersonations.

------------

And as the years went on and I was moved from school to school, the ability to entertain helped the painful transition and was sure to win some friends.

As the years went on and I moved from school to school, my ability to entertain assuaged the painful transitions and was sure to win some friends.

------------

I completely respected the process, and though I could learn the skills and execute them well, I had no depth of vision and wasn¿t really dedicated or driven by set design or backstage work.

The "and though" does not relate the two parts of the sentence clearly. I think it should be "but although"

------------

There is a vision that the designer has, and true talent comes in the ability to articulate this vision into a garment.

I don't think "articulate" works. Try "transform". "Sew" might be good too.

-------------


Good paper, Noel. I hope you start a media-revolution! I think the paper could be made a bit more concise in order to make a few of your points more powerful, particularly at the beginning. But, thats just my opinion.

Break a leg!
Brian

Author: ANDERSON, LAURA REBECCA  <hypatia@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an "acting machine," no different?

"It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an 'acting machine,' no different?" I don't think you need the comma after "I."

"Entertain is key because as I went through the various stages of childhood, I learned how to use entertainment to my advantage." I would put quotes around "entertain" here and a comma after "key." In the next sentence, I would chang "having" to "watching."

"Though fashion design may be considered useless as far as hardworking individuals are concerned" You could add "also" after "be" to connect it with what you said about acting earlier.

"And I still hadn¿t given up on dream of entertaining." "hadn't" here is sort of odd. Maybe "haven't"?

"Even mainstream movies generally considered as artistic appeal to surefire techniques to get people in their seats and satisfy mindless expectations." I think you should delete "as."

I really liked the third-to-last and second-to-last paragraphs.

Laura