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RESPONSES TO MY P1A:

1. From:	bump <bump@mail.utexas.edu>
To:	pertelote@mail.utexas.edu
Subject:	Re: Storyboard for the MOO

Dear Pretty Pertelote,
As a first draft that looks good. Proofreading
needed. Go ahead and create the FAC as a room
attached to UT Austin and any other buildings you
need. Do not wait for last year's rooms. Some of
them are there if you know what to call up,
though. For instance, Waller Creek.

2. Author: LIAO, SHARON <S.LIAO@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject "A look of utter concentration and reflection beholds his face, and his lips purse up as he scrolls the computer screen. "


Hey Noel! I really really wanted to talk to him, but I don't know...it just doesn't want to work on my computer!! (I think if you gave me that box to rip up now, I could do it. haha) ANyways, I had to just "browse," and I found him...sort of. "A look of utter concentration and reflection beholds his face, and his lips purse up as he scrolls the computer screen. " In this sentence, to me, "beholds" doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe you could change the sentence to say, "spreads across" or "is evident" or manifest or something. I like how you gave really clear instructions, but I just wish I could do the interactive stuff! Maybe I'll figure it out later... I tried! I really did!...

3. Author: PAREKH, PUJA SUDHIR <pujaparekh@mail.utexas.edu>
Subject "Wilson's popularity and acclaim has boomed since the box office hit Shanghai Noon in 2000 but this UT alumni's raw undeniable talent has appeared on the Media Doppler ever since his writing and acting premiere in the short film Bottle Rocket."


"Wilson's popularity and acclaim has boomed since the box office hit Shanghai Noon in 2000 but this UT alumni's raw undeniable talent has appeared on the Media Doppler ever since his writing and acting premiere in the short film Bottle Rocket." I hate the fact that I am so anal, but I noticed a spelling error in the word premiere. I also think a comma would help the flow of the sentence. "Wilson's popularity and acclaim has boomed since the box office hit Shanghai Noon in 2000, but this UT alumni's raw undeniable talent has appeared on the Media Doppler ever since his writing and acting premiere in the short film Bottle Rocket." As to the bot itself, I was able to talk to Owen about his nose. He froze when I tried to talk to him about Wes Anderson, and I haven't been able to get him to work since. I'll try again from a different computer if I can.

4. Author: EMELIANOVA, ANNA S. <anushka@gmail.com>
Subject It's real popular with the ladies if you know what I'm saying. It's become sort of cool, you know?


I like that Owen Wilson says random things sometimes ż it makes the conversation more interesting. I had trouble following up, though: Owen Wilson says, "This may seem sort of random, but [I've always been interested in surfing.]" You say, "why have you been interested in surfing?"" Owen Wilson says, "I don't know what you're trying to get at. Maybe we should try simpler questions." Perhaps you could add more detail to the topics he brings up. Or am I asking him wrong? I really like Owen Wilson's colloquial style. You've done a good job at making the conversational experience realistic! I would change the last party of his nose rant: "It's real popular with the ladies if you know what I'm saying. It's become sort of cool, you know?" Two 'you knows' are redundant. I would change it to: Actually, it's real popular with the ladies. It's become sort of cool, you know?" More generally, maybe you could put in more of Owen Wilson's more analytical thoughts. It'd be a stretch, but I'm curious about what he really thinks of the Royal Tenenbaums, why he thinks it's a good movie, why he finds it funny. I'd like to hear him talk about his style of humor or acting method because it's so distinctive. Good job conquering the technology, Noel! You win.

MY RESPONSES TO OTHERS' P1A:

1. Hey Laura,

You've definitely sparked my interest. Not only does Oscar Casares seem like a handsome, enigmatic man, I can definitely relate to him not reading very many books as a child but writing out of necessity and actually enjoying it.

One thing I would like to see improved in your narrative is the essence of Oscar. Though your commentary sets up the effects Casares has on his students and especially you, which definitely sets up his character, there isn't a lot of exploration into his personality and his motivations.

Also, some of your complex sentences could be organized a little better, but this was the sentence that stood out to me:

"He disagreed with me on everything religious, political, and philosophical, but I was still able to learn from his passion for his craft and his effort to continue improving himself even though he was already very good."

I think the sentence organization is rather clumsy. Perhaps if you rearrange it, it will be less choppy and still get your point across.

Though we disagreed on everything religious, political, and philosophical, his passion for his craft and his continuous effort to improve himself remained as a lesson for me.

Good Job

Noël

2. Dear Anush

It's interesting that you did your paper on Aldous Huxley. Some of my friends were talking about Brave New World yesterday! How things connect, oh how they connect.

This one sentence stood out, not in a grammatically incorrect way or anything, but I think just a typo:

"If I could, I'd like to ask the thinkers I admire about their works."

Perhaps you meant to say

If I could, I'd ask the thinkers questions about their works

If I could, I'd tell the thinkers what I admire about their works

But I suppose which way doesn't matter as long as one of your points is clarified.

I really enjoyed Aldous's sudden transport to the Chapel and the following interrogation. I liked how you incorporated your questions and the following answer—it was a nice back and forth and your personality as well as what Huxley's might have been are really enjoyable.

I was sad to see your conversation end. Perhaps there'd be a smoother transition or a clear sign that your conversation was about to finish? I don't know, I just felt a little incomplete!

Overall fantastic job

Noël

3. Hey Brian,

The retelling of your experience at the Lorraine Motel is very well written, and I most definitely get a sense of place and the feelings it evoked in you. I'm not quite sure what you meant by this sentence however:

Before I would allow myself to painfully discover the historical significance of the ground I stood on, the tour guide approached the group of tourists and said, "You are standing next to the Lorraine motel.

Did you want to ask what its significance was or did you just not want to admit that you failed to realize its importance initially? I revised it with my interpretation:

Before I had a chance for the painful realization of the site's historical significance to sink in, the tour guide approached the group of tourists and said, "You are standing next to the Lorraine motel."

That way it implies that you did know, somewhere in your mind, what it stood for, but it was never fully realized on your part.

Also, though your details about Martin Luther King are well worded and informative, I didn't get a sense for King's personality. I know what he stood for, but is there way you can breathe character to him while describing him, instead of making him an untouchable historical figure? I guess I would just love to see a more personal side of King instead of his historical mysticism that the textbooks convey.

Good job

Noël

4. Hello Ben,

You really do have a flair for colourful descriptions-- in the way a British person would. I love that. I particularly liked this line though I think the use of "inquire" may be a bit gratuitous:

As I strayed about the courtyard I wondered if the groups of students attending their secretive inductions would inquire where I belonged and whether I was some kind of outsider – someone not suited for this sumptuous society

I enjoyed it none the less, though I'm not quite sure why we were jumping from place to place to place. Perhaps there may be a better way to connect these places. You do a great job in making me feel as if I was there, but as soon as I start to get comfortable you're t own into another confusing world.

Many of your sentences are complex, and I can work my way through most of them, but this one seemed fairly clumsy:

Slowly with a pounding heart I began to believe that I was in the presence of Ludwig Wittgenstein, the great logician and philosopher who was touted as the reconciler of all western philosophy by men such as Bertrand Russell after the publication of his Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus in which he introduced the use of the "truth table" to elucidate the "theory of truth functions" and the concept of "language as a picture of reality" [10].

I know my writing style isn't much like yours, but this is the revision I made to clarify it as for as I'm concerned.

With a pounding heart I slowly came to believe that I was in the presence of Ludwig Wittgenstein- the great logician and philosopher- touted as the reconciler of all western philosophy by men such as Bertrand Russell after the publication of his Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus in which he introduced the use of the "truth table" to elucidate the "theory of truth functions" and the concept of "language as a picture of reality" [10].

Good Job

5. Noël

Hey Meagan

It's nice to finally meet Michael Dell. He is definitely a successful man that's worth learning from. I'm glad he prefaced his attending UT with the fact that higher education was important. I'm sure Bump will appreciate the reference to him as well—CONNECT! Anyways, I thought the first paragraph was VERY confusing. I suppose there was no transition between you watching Fox News (which should be capitalized) and ending up on the on 24th street. Maybe you dozed off? What's important as that you just work on these disjunctions to solidify your piece.

The one sentence that stuck out to me was:

Dumbfounded at what was occurring before me, I quickly mumbled to myself, "Where could we be going?"

I guess I don't like the "was occurring before me" and "quickly mumbled." I'm not sure how you would edit that, but maybe you could simply say:

Dumbfounded at what was happening, I mumbled to myself, "Where could we be going?"

Michael Dell seemed very cheery and fun to talk to.

Good job

Noël

6. Hey Puja

Robert Rodriguez and my 'ghost' Owen Wilson have one thing strikingly in common: they both dropped out with only two credits to go. However, they both followed their calling, and I guess that's a good thing.

Your conversational style with Robert was very nice, and I thought it was funny that he was really excited that you loved his movies. If only celebrities were always that nice to sit down for a chat.

At the beginning, this sentence stuck out:

The movie ended around midnight, and all of my friends headed to their dorms as they had early classes the next day.

I guess this may be a personal thing, but I don't think that it works well with "as they had early classes the next day." I guess I would reword it like this:

The movie ended around midnight, and all of my friends called it an evening—they had early classes the next day.

I guess it may just be a preference.

I really liked how your questions seamlessly prompted his informative responses

Good Job

Noël

7. "Well hot damn! I must be a ghost."

Willie!

This I really really enjoyed reading your project. You did a very nice job in giving me a sense of Stevie Ray Vaugn's personality and I can just see you two interacting as you made your way through Austin. Though majority of your writing is solid, I thought this sentence could use some help:

This time it was different than it had been in front of the statue

It doesn't seem as coherent, and I don't know if my revision is much better, but I do think it does need to be worked on, and I'd make it a compound sentence:

Somehow it seemed different from(than) the playing in front of the statue, more intense, as if being in front of the club where he had gotten his start was inspiring his hands.

Since Stevie is such a wonderful musician, how about utilizing the internet and its infinite media to add links to his music or even have some playing the background? If you need

Help with the code, let me know. I'd be more than happy to.

Great job

Noël

8. Dear Vanessa

You created some great dialogue between you and Mr. Royal. The encounter was smooth and transitions were seamless. I notice the Bump reference; all things connect!

While almost all of your sentences are coherent and well worded, for some reason I didn't really like this one:

It is a good game; we go through several rounds of "Texas! Fight!" across the stadium and many cannon shots before it's over, and of course, we walk away the victors

I think maybe it's because you say we go through the rounds across the stadium and many cannon shots. I know you mean rounds of cannon shots but it doesn't seem to fit. So if I were to reword it, it would be something along these lines:

"Across the stadium, we go through several rounds of "Texas! Fight!" and many cannons are fired before it's over, and of course, in the end, we walk away the victors.

I'm sure you can probably come up with a better one, I just thought I'd bring that into consideration.

Also, you did a wonderful job describing Royal's presence. I can almost see him chuckling, and I can see the stadium lights reflecting in his eyes. At times, however, I found the dialogue rather long. If you wanted to make it more concise, perhaps cut out some of the dialogue, although it's really what makes it so authentic.

Very good job

Noël

9. Hello Sharon

First off, I really liked your paper. Not many people think about the statues around campus and about the people they represent, but I'm sure even less wonder who actually sculpted them.

The first paragraph, your transition into your paper from the freshman orientation, I felt, wasn't very coherent. "So, about that statue, why is it there?" sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe work your thoughts into this paragraph first, your own, your worries, the things flitting through your mind, not the collective thoughts of the group, your own. And then, in the middle of these thoughts that statue interrupts, you wonder about the, briefly, then move on to the thoughts about your classes. That way it isn't so disjointed but you can tie it back in later when you're trying to come up with a project to do.

As far as sentences go:

"After a couple pictures, well, it was hot, and my allergies were getting the better of me, so I decided to make the long journey back from the Honors Quad to Jester West."

I just didn't think this was a very good sentence. Understandably it was hot and you wanted to leave, but perhaps you could have placed that in there better:

After a few pictures, the heat and allergies were getting the better of me, so I decided to make the long journey back from the Honors Quad to Jester West.

I really likes your conversation with Anna. She seems as mystical as the figures and people she sculpts.

Good job

Noël