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I am stupid. Wait no, I'm lazy. Wait... no....

I am sorry to say that for these first two weeks of college, I've been moping and been relatively inactive in every respect of my UT life. Call it depression, boredom, confusion, or whatever- I am not taking advantage of the exceptional youthful moments of college, where everything is new, fresh, and splendid. I walk to class in an oblivious haze, afraid of scornful looks or getting lost, worrying about the blisters forming on my feet or the sweat seeping through my shirt. So when I hear about traditions, history, and purposes of this University, the guilt starts swimming in the pit of my stomach. What am I missing? I have not yet recognized the "Individual Opportunity" being afforded to me, where I am indeed that "freshman, the first in her family to attend college"(298) and to receive higher education. Not only have I ignored the uniqueness of my ensuing education, I've failed to recognize and appreciate the students around me and what they have to offer me. The deep and rich history of UT has basically been a quite boring aspect I have ignored. Realizing this neglect, such spiteful and unappreciative aloofness, I must question why I'm even in college? This is A LOT of money; this is A LOT of energy, time and effort. Shouldn't I know that not only is this an education to secure me a job and a future, I'm fulfilling a destiny which is represented by the "rays of hope that would come from an educated populace" (299). I am apart of that hope, and yes, as cheesy as it sounds, I AM THE FUTURE. And yet I can't name one emblem on the towers. I cannot tell you the significance of the flags flying over UT, and even worse the Men of Great Influence are just author names on famous works of literature. All day today, I felt utterly guilty, worthless, and spoiled.

Then I remember WHY I'm here. I'm not supposed to know all about Homer, Virgil, or Milton. I'm not supposed to already know about all the emblems, the history, the purpose of a university. I'm not supposed to be blessed with textbooks worth of knowledge or sage-like advice to guide my every decision.

I'm here to learn. I'm here to learn THESE things and much more. I am making my walk through the University of Texas at Austin, and I need to open my eyes to it. I still have time to wonder about what the various statues around campus symbolize and what impacts those depicted have on this school, and furthermore, on me. I've had a hard time making friends, and I don't know if this is my unwillingness to assimilate, or the fact I haven't yet opened my eyes to the words of advice all around me. I better get into action, I thought after reading the quote "If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone" which if taken could easily lead to my self unification with the rest of the gigantic student body which is an entity in and of itself.

I have come to college to obtain a deeper understanding of all of the subjects that have interested me thus far, that I have said many times before. Just in the first two weeks of class, I have discovered that "all branches of knowledge are connected together" and that the deeper understanding is not just how to make a movie or how to take a picture, it's the history surrounding such processes (308). A history I must fully embrace and be aware of if I am to truly know what IT IS that I am pursuing. I am searching for my place on this huge campus, I am searching for my own identity, and I am searching for my part in the whole. If I don't open up my eyes to the buildings, to the signs, to the people around me, and to the ghosts of the past, I will never take full advantage of what this great University has to teach me. And I can sleep better tonight knowing I have already taken advantage of the first lesson this great campus has presented to me.