...

So conflicted

Within our society, there is a desire to "strive and excel, each in his own way" which "gives us an impetus" to advance our culture (649). This fast paced environment that springs from our developed nation lends itself to frazzled brains and stressed hearts, and a retreat to anywhere else is a welcome escape. As it turns out, NATURE happens to be the haven of choice, and our society, in meeting the demands for a safe sanctuary has taken the time to carve out natural nooks in urban areas. As I have voiced before, there is a conflict somewhere in my mind about the actual sacredness of our parks, gardens, and other tamed natural spaces. "It's a human instinct to try to create perceptual order wherever we look" and so it seems only to follow that our break from our everyday lives would still have that logical sense of order that prioritizes our world (638). I cannot deny that there is tangible therapeutic value to our sculpted nature. The Japanese gardens we discussed in class, though very particularly shaped and kept by humans, have meditative and remedial qualities which are very apparent. The value of such a sanctuary cannot be undermined and I fully recognize this. Similarly, the shady lawns on campus, Waller Creek, and trees protruding out of sidewalks serve as a relief to our busy lives as students. Klinkenborg points out that "it also comes as a paradoxical relief to walk back into the unpredictable streets, where you have to work to find the order in experience. (639)" This happens to be the complicated case with myself as well. While I am greatly impassioned and consumed honestly in my rants about the importance of true nature, untouched and uncontrolled by man, I wonder how I can justify it by the lifestyle I live in and want to live in. It seems that to avoid hypocrisy in my beliefs, I should abandon the goal of "knocking at preferment's door (447)." I should throw off my worldly possessions and go stalk off into the wilderness somewhere, living a humble yet happy life. However, I could not. There will always be that nagging, that ticking my mind that I feel like I could not shake. The interests of society, to expand, to grow, and to nurture our academia is rather pointless in a world where living in nature and finding pleasure in that which is nature is the only aim, or resignation in your life. I begrudgingly find myself agreeing that "there [is] not advantage in doing this if the place led nowhere" but at the same time I fight the standards of society and know that doing things for the pure enjoyment of it, without fulfilling some greater good, is also an admirable course (648). I am but a product of the world I grew up in. I want to learn. I want to succeed. I want to create and discover things that in turn, in the order that I organize, helps the world make sense to others. It's hard to live without the stress, the goals, and the materialistic drives, but at the same time I want to embrace my roots and connect to the essence of my creation. What should I do?