Puja Parekh
April 13, 2006
My responses to other LRs
Ben:
The department of agriculture, office of personnel
management, veteran affairs, the department of transportation
and the Social Security administration, all have significantly
larger budgets then the department of education [2].
There is a simple grammatical error in this sentence.
It can be fixed by changing the 'then' to 'than':
The department of agriculture, office of personnel
management, veteran affairs, the department of transportation
and the Social Security administration, all have significantly
larger budgets than the department of education [2].
You clearly feel passionately about this subject,
yet manage to present your argument with a cool, detached style.
To expand for the revision, I suggest putting in some personal
details and anecdotes, so that we can know a little more about
the Ben who is sharing his vision with us.
Vanessa:
I feel that experiencing a different culture than
the one I’ve known all my life is a way to not only respect
and appreciate another way of life, but in turn to respect and
appreciate my own.
There's something about this sentence that doesn't
quite fit. It might sound better if you changed it to:
I feel that experiencing a different culture than
the one I’ve known all my life is a way to not only respect
and appreciate another way of life, but also to respect and
appreciate my own.
Thank you for sharing with us your vision Vanessa.
I think you have a very noble goal and sincerely hope you can
achieve it. To expand on this a little, tell us some more about
your past. Maybe some anecdotes will help you achieve the word
length you need. Great job on connecting things!
Anush:
At the beginning of the book, as a child, he has difficulty
understanding his surroundings and expressing himself -- he
is trapped inside his own head.
There's something about this sentence that doesn't
flow quite as well as the rest of the paper. Perhaps you could
change it to something like this:
He has difficulty understanding his surroundings
and expressing himself as a child at the beginning of the book
-- he is trapped inside his own head.
Besides that, I think your paper was written very
well. You transition from talking about which option to pick
back to the characters from the book is a little too sudden.
Like everyone else, I'm also left wanting for more anecdotes
and stories. Great job though!
Rachel:
It had seemed a worthwhile goal even then - everything
about its mantra-esqe phrasing and zen associations implied
moral excellency.
A couple of nitpicky things about this sentence.
Here's what I suggest you should change it to:
It had seemed a worthwhile goal even then - everything
about its mantra-esque phrasing and Zen associations implied
moral excellence.
I liked the honesty. No, wait, I LOVED it. As
Thomas pointed out, you set yourself in an ideal position for
expansion with the three goals for society. Also, you forgot
the 'h' in my last name in the first picture credit. Amazing
job dear!
Brian:
All I had to do was reach out and leave a mark
every so often, dots to connect.
Change this to:
All I had to do was reach out and leave a mark
every so often - dots to connect.
I would have picked something a little more helpful,
but you didn't give us much Brian. You've definitely left me
wanting more, so go out there and expand on all of those personal
memories ("dots" as you call them). You told us how
they connect, but by giving detailed descriptions you can make
them stories that reveal a lot about you, the enigmatic Brian
Dillon.
