My Responses to Other Projects

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 18:47
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Barbara, too, was experiencing a new time in her life. According to Mary Beth Rogers, for the first time, Jordan was free from ¿the supervision of her father at home, and she wasn¿t confined to a pew in church¿.


Barbara, too, was experiencing a new time in her life. According to Mary Beth Rogers, for the first time, Jordan was free from ¿the supervision of her father at home, and she wasn¿t confined to a pew in church¿. I think that the first sentence is unnecessary and that the thought could be bridged as follows: According to Mary Beth Rogers, attending Phillis Wheatley High School started a new era in her life where for the first, Jordan was free from ¿the supervision of her father at home, and she wasn¿t confined to a pew in church¿. This will also help with clarity issues due to the first sentence. I was confused and had to read it several times to understand what I think you were meaning. I think you could add to your writing by expanding on the quote that is footnote #46. I really liked it and would like to have heard more of your thoughts on it.
Forum: Project One
Date: 09-30-2005 17:06
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject As a boy he had sometimes explored this side of Salamanca with his friends, but that was long ago now and he was unfamiliar with these soggy streets.


As a boy he had sometimes explored this side of Salamanca with his friends, but that was long ago now and he was unfamiliar with these soggy streets. The way this sentence is constructed with three independent clauses, it seems very long and run-on-ish. I didn't want to break it up so I changed it like this: As a boy he had sometimes explored this side of Salamanca with his friends, but that was long ago now, leaving him unfamiliar with these soggy streets. I loved the integration of pictures into your work. The description of the place of Salamanca was also great. If you wanted to shorten this, which I don't suggest, you could remove some of the non essential physical descriptions that don't directly add to a sense of place.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-30-2005 16:48
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Unlike me, Huxley came from a renowned intellectual family and was, to some degree, destined for greatness.


Unlike me, Huxley came from a renowned intellectual family and was, to some degree, destined for greatness. I would change the beginning of this sentence from 'unlike me' to 'unlike my own legacy' or a variant thereof just to get rid of the 'me'. There are so many other words or phrases that could be used, and you use 'me' as the last word in your previous sentence. In order to expand this paper, I would focus more on establishing a sense of place throughout. You use some description of Balliol in the beginning, but then the description transitions into pure dialogue. I gained a sense of Aldous Huxley as an intellectual, but it would be nice if a greater emphasis was put on how is surroundings affected his writings.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-30-2005 16:35
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Somehow, my membership in the human race had made me implicit in the assassination of the great leader.


Somehow, my membership in the human race had made me implicit in the assassination of the great leader. I question the word choice in this sentence. I think it would make more sense if 'implicit' were to be replaced with 'complicit'. From dictionary.com: Complicit: Associated with or participating in a questionable act or a crime; having complicity: newspapers complicit with the propaganda arm of a dictatorship. Implicit: 1. Implied or understood though not directly expressed: an implicit agreement not to raise the touchy subject. 2. Contained in the nature of something though not readily apparent: ¿Frustration is implicit in any attempt to express the deepest self¿ (Patricia Hampl). 3. Having no doubts or reservations; unquestioning: implicit trust. I think the paper could be expanded by focusing more on how MLK affected changed at UT. The part about how students raised money to get a statue constructed is great. It would be nice though to know more about why and how this was done. Was there any opposition? Why did the students have to finance it themselves? Was the university not willing to have the statue of a great civil rights leader on its campus?

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-30-2005 16:14
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Nearby springs forth an impenetrably green turtle pond full of algae, whose inhabitants care little for what lies beyond its stony banks.


Nearby springs forth an impenetrably green turtle pond full of algae, whose inhabitants care little for what lies beyond its stony banks. In relation to the prior sentence, I think this sentence sounds better when the structure is reversed. "Nearby springs forth" feels slightly awkward to me at the beginning of this sentence. A variation you could try would be: An impenetrably green turtle pond springs forth nearby, whose inhabitants care little for what lies beyond its stony banks. Using both 'impenetrably green' and 'full of algae' felt redundant so I cut out the latter. In general, the paper is very well written except that the end feels very abrupt. I think the ending could be rewritten and expanded. The course of events from the conversation with Wittenberg until the end of your story very short in relation to the rest of your paper.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-30-2005 15:54
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject During your travels, remember where you came from, and do right by Texas¿5 Dell shared and we began walking around the base of the tower.


During your travels, remember where you came from, and do right by Texas¿5 Dell shared and we began walking around the base of the tower. I think the sentence would sound better if it were revised to this: During your travels, remember where you came from, and do right by Texas¿5 Dell shared as we began walking around the base of the tower. Changing 'and' to 'as' makes the sentence flow better but it does slightly change the meaning of the sentence. If you do not like this revision, I still suggest you changing the end of this sentence in order to make it flow better. I like the quotes that you used by Michael Dell. I just think they could be integrated better by adding more casual conversation and interaction.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:58
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Finally it had happened.


Okay, okay, I acknowledge it is a real low blow to want to change your first sentence, but I think it could sound more effective. Changing "Finally it had happened" to "Finally, it happened" puts the setting in a better form of the present tense. I forgot the fancy word for it, but I think it sounds better. Take it however you want to. Don't change it if you like it how it is. I thought you paper was really well written. It effectivle characterized Stevie Ray Vaughn. I think you could expand the paper by adding more emotive description to the very end when you write your own song. You use a lot of emotion when you describe Stevie playing the guitar but don't use any at all when you describe yourself playing guitar.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:44
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Growing up, I always wanted to see them as the heroes in movies, and I eventually realize that it would not be done unless I did it myself.


Growing up, I always wanted to see them as the heroes in movies, and I eventually realize that it would not be done unless I did it myself. This is probably just a typo, but make sure you don't change tenses within the sentence. Add a 'd' to the end of 'realize' and make 'realized'. Growing up, I always wanted to see them as the heroes in movies, and I eventually realized that it would not be done unless I did it myself. Or, you could change the sentence to sound like this: Growing up, I always wanted to see them as the heroes in movies, eventually realizing that it would not be done unless I did it myself. I liked the conversation tone of the paper between yourself and Robert Rodrigues. In order to make it more conversational, I would combine a lot of the shorter sentences into longer sentences. This will help the paper flow better. Other than that, I really liked your paper. The story about how Rodriguez produced and sold El Mariachi is great.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:35
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject The team spirit is invigorating, and we are all joined as one entity in the stadium; we have one goal, and that is to cheer our team on to victory.


The team spirit is invigorating, and we are all joined as one entity in the stadium; we have one goal, and that is to cheer our team on to victory. I would change the phrase 'team spirit' to 'esprit de corps' because I think it is a better word for capturing the emotion that you are trying to display. The term 'team spirit' just seems so limited. When you talk about the crowd feeling 'team spirit', I think it is more school spirit and that is better represented by 'esprit de corps'. I also just think it sounds cooler in a paper. Thats just my personal preference though. The esprit de corps is invigorating, and we are all joined as one entity in the stadium; we have one goal, and that is to cheer our team on to victory. From OED: a. esprit de corps (spri d kr). [corps body] Also erron. esprit du corps. The regard entertained by the members of a body for the honour and interests of the body as a whole, and of each other as belonging to it. I think you could add to your paper by shortening the length of the individual dialogue pieces so the characters say more but in smaller chunks. This would make it feel more conversational and less preachy. I think I'm going to do it to my paper. It could definitely use it. Your characterization of Darrel K. Royal was very good. I definitely enjoyed reading your paper.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:25
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject ¿I have done a good job making this once-nasty room into my home,¿ I decided, yet I could not help but feel depressed in my isolated quarters. I decided that maybe I should go downstairs and socialize when suddenly, a different idea struck me.


¿I have done a good job making this once-nasty room into my home,¿ I decided, yet I could not help but feel depressed in my isolated quarters. I decided that maybe I should go downstairs and socialize when suddenly, a different idea struck me. I think the use of the verb 'decided' twice in succession could be fixed to make the section stronger. I would change the first 'decided' to 'thought' in order to add some variety. ¿I have done a good job making this once-nasty room into my home,¿ I thought, yet I could not help but feel depressed in my isolated quarters. I decided that maybe I should go downstairs and socialize when suddenly, a different idea struck me. I loved your paper. I think it is definitely one of my favorites. I particularly liked the description of the architectural features that you made in the writing and your own comments on them. If you were to expand you paper, I think you should include a couple more sentences of description and commentary to a place like your own residence. Maybe you could add the additional commentary when you return to your residence and look at it with a new eye. You had excellent characterization of Larry Speck. I really got a feel for the man.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:17
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject It was hot, we got lost and walked in circles, but inevitably, something was imprinted in our minds.


It was hot, we got lost and walked in circles, but inevitably, something was imprinted in our minds. In the strictest grammatical sense, this is a run on sentence. It doesn't help that a conjuction is used in the middle of the second clause. I do not want to change it too much though because I like the short phrases. You may consider this revision: We got lost in the heat and walked in circles, but inevitably, something was imprinted in our minds. I liked your paper, but I think that you might want to consider breaking up some of your sentences into multiple sentences. Most of them are structured grammatically correct, but I think that cutting out some non necessary material would the paper easier to read.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:08
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject I was not quite sure why I wanted to get onto that bus and go off to an end of campus I have never seen.


I was not quite sure why I wanted to get onto that bus and go off to an end of campus I have never seen. I think verb use in this sentence could be stronger. Consider this revision: I was not quite sure why I wanted to board that bus and travel to an end of campus I have never seen. Other than that I loved the paper. My only comment would be that it takes you a long time to actually meet and talk to LBJ. I would remedy this by either adding more to the end or cutting out some unneccessary parts in the first half of the paper.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 19:05
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Squirrels chattered in the gilded crowns of the live oaks, while inquisitive grackel hopped about, rustling their lustrous, jet black wings


Squirrels chattered in the gilded crowns of the live oaks, while inquisitive grackel hopped about, rustling their lustrous, jet black wings. I was first drawn to this sentence when I questioned whether 'grackel' is the plural form because it just didn't sound right to me. I looked it up in OED and there isn't a listing for it, but there is a listing for 'grackle' so I think MS Office just has it wrong in their dictionary. Anyway, I still think it is a singular word and not a collective noun after looking at the OED entry. Here is how I would edit the sentence: Squirrels chattered in the gilded crowns of the live oaks, while inquisitive grackles hopped about, rustling their lustrous, jet black wings. I think you could expand your paper by keeping up with the excellent use of description and establishment of place after you introduce Sweatt. Description is used extensively in the first part and then it kind of disappears in the second.

Forum: Project One
Date: 09-28-2005 18:54
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Re: Ann Richards, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Dinner with a Famous Democrat


As I filed out of Garrison Hall with my peers, I felt intoxicated with the sense of power that I now held. I think the sentence would convey a stronger image if you replaced the word 'felt' with 'became'. That way, instead of merely feeling intoxicated, you could be intoxicated. That's just my personal opinion. I also changed some of the wording at the end. As I filed out of Garrison Hall with my peers, I became intoxicated with the power that I now held. As for either adding or lessening the length, I thought this section was a little long even though I was amused by it. It could use some better editing. It just feels like it is a big road block in your paper. "Hi, this is Alex, president of the University Democrats." (Crap. I struggled to clear my throat, as the goldfish had attempted to swim right back up my esophagus. Why would he be calling a freshman who just joined unless they had done something outstanding? I realized quickly that I had done absolutely nothing of merit, and that the only other reason he would be calling is if I had done something terrible. That was it: I must have let them down already. I tried to think back into my past to remember any possible transgression. I have always had kind of admired Ronald Reagan, not because of any of his policies, but because the idea of a former actor being president of the United States delights me. Oh, or it could have been that I had just dropped out of my government class, and now there were only two even remotely liberal people left in the entire class of 18. But there was no way he could know this, right?) "I just wanted to congratulate you for having won the 'Dinner with a famous democrat' drawing!"

My Responses to P2A

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-11-2005 15:15
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Specifically, Jude¿s intellectual downfall seen through his realization that he will probably never be able to attend the great University where he aspired to matriculate is evidence of the rash thoughts Jude developed in his adolescence.


Specifically, Jude¿s intellectual downfall seen through his realization that he will probably never be able to attend the great University where he aspired to matriculate is evidence of the rash thoughts Jude developed in his adolescence. The middle section of this sentence just seemed a little jumbled. I'd reword it like this Specifically, Jude's intellectual downfall as seen through his realization that he will never be able to attend the great University that he idolized is evidence of the rash thoughts Jude developed in his adolescence. 'as' added to break up the clauses, for better flow 'probably' unnecessary word 'idolized' instead of 'aspired to matriculate' - I wanted to remove matriculate because i think it needs the word 'to' after it and I didn't want to add any more words. I also think idolized might just fit the meaning better. Overall, I think the additions worked very well. I wouldn't change anything (well, maybe footnoting less.... 109 footnotes is a lot :) )

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 20:32
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Startled by my sudden change in scenery, I looked around everywhere trying to find another soul on this seemingly always busy street.


Startled by my sudden change in scenery, I looked around everywhere trying to find another soul on this seemingly always busy street. seemingly always busy..... I just don't care for the word choice. The ends of these words sound too similar and it makes for a weird language affect at the end of the sentence. Consider this revision: Startled by my sudden change in scenery, I looked around everywhere trying to find another soul on this usually busy street Good job on the rest of the paper. If you were to shorten the piece, delete the last sentence. It just doesn't work, because Dell recently reported results for one of their worst quarters ever :)

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 20:25
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject His eyes are red, whether from the smoke or the wine bottle in his hand it is hard to tell.


His eyes are red, whether from the smoke or the wine bottle in his hand it is hard to tell. His eyes are red. Whether from the smoke or the wine bottle in his hand, it is hard to tell. It really feels like it needs to be split into two sentences in some way. Some of the sentences in this section feel unusually lengthy. I'd try to cut some words out so the piece flows better.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 20:19
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject The chase ensued from the food court up the West Mall, towards the tower until the penguin reached one of the large orange metal newspaper boxes that The Daily Texan was refurbished in each morning.


The chase ensued from the food court up the West Mall, towards the tower until the penguin reached one of the large orange metal newspaper boxes that The Daily Texan was refurbished in each morning. The chase ensued from the food court up the West Mall and towards the tower until the penguin reached one of the large orange metal newspaper boxes that The Daily Texan was refurbished in each morning. I think it would be better if you had 'and' in place of the comma. Using the comma implies that the chase is going to continue through several more clauses with an 'and' in there somewhere later. I just think it needs the 'and' to sound correct. I liked the sense of being in a cartoon world alot. It would be cool if you could add more aspects like this - maybe your body doing something weird and cartoonish like the cat's did.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 20:09
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Last year we had Ron Bozman, the producer of The Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia.


Last year we had Ron Bozman, the producer of The Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia. Last year we had Ron Bozman, the producer of The Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia. Yep, thats me being a picky bastard, but it reads better. I like the format, but it feels like not a lot happens. You should expand on the part at the UFA conference when the students are asking him some questions.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 19:57
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject I loved writing for The Daily Texan, but I could not keep it up if I could not pass all my classes.


I loved writing for The Daily Texan, but I could not keep it up if I could not pass all my classes. I loved writing for The Daily Texan, but I could not keep it up if I did poorly in my classes. I don't like close repetition. Be creative :) Interesting man. I'd work on the part about the time change from past back to present a little more if you were to expand. Walter goes from thinking you are from out of town to saying, ¿Yes, it¿s still me,¿ he responded pleasantly. ¿Except now time has sped up a bit. It seems we are in your freshman year here at UT and not mine. Wow, so long ago I was here. The things I did then I will never forget.¿ That was quite awkward for me. Good job otherwise.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-13-2005 19:46
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject Shivering, I begin to walk up the South Mall in the direction of my dorm.


Shivering, I begin to walk up the South Mall in the direction of my dorm. Shivering, I begin to walk up the South mall towards my dorm. Personal preference, but, less prepositional phrases is good. Otherwise, very well written with an incredible connection to UT and Berkeley. If you were to expand, I would touch more on the connection to Spain maybe from Mezes' point of view. What was it that he liked about it so much. Great job.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-11-2005 15:40
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject I felt a sudden surge of inquisitiveness. I chose to explore this famous building


I felt a sudden surge of inquisitiveness. I chose to explore this famous building. I felt a sudden surge of inquisitiveness and chose to explore this famour building. The original two sentences are too short and choppy. They just don't fit in with the writing style of the rest of your project very well. Again, I loved the characterization of Speck and the additions worked well. You could always talk about another building or two if you would like to add on.

Forum: Project Two
Date: 11-11-2005 15:36
Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD
Subject ¿Well, this actually used to be the Geology Building, so having the carvings to decorate the building makes sense.¿


¿Well, this actually used to be the Geology Building, so having the carvings to decorate the building makes sense.¿ Run on sentence. "Well, this actually used to be the Geology Building. So, having the carvings decorate the building makes sense." If you wanted to expand your project, you could add some more action or description. There is just a lot of back and forth dialogue. Maybe have your characters walk around campus and talk. This would also help contribute to the sense of place.

P1A (Spring 2006) Responses to Others

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 16:11 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Thus, we must accept the fact that in order to have survived in such a vastly changing environment, plants and species must have been able to adapt to their surroundings and the changes constantly taking place around them. We do not know what initiated c

Thus, we must accept the fact that in order to have survived in such a vastly changing environment, plants and species must have been able to adapt to their surroundings and the changes constantly taking place around them.

Split infinitive. You could just throw it into present tense since it is a generalization and still applicable today.

Thus, we must accept the fact that in order to survive in such a vastly changing environment, plants and species must be able to adapt to their surroundings and the changes constantly taking place around them.

Well written, but I didn't learn the speaker's name until I scrolled down to the footnotes. It would have been great if it was in one of the first paragraphs.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 15:56 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Indeed, as Bryan¿s adventures hardly seem historical anyway, it would seem cold to confine him to purely historical interaction with the world.

Indeed, as Bryan¿s adventures hardly seem historical anyway, it would seem cold to confine him to purely historical interaction with the world.

to

Indeed, as Bryan¿s adventures hardly seem historical, it would seem (better word) to confine him to purely historical interaction with the world.

'Anyway' can be dropped. I also think that you could come up with a more descriptive word than cold, even though it works. It just doesn't seem precise enough.

As for expansion, as I'm sure you realize, it just needs to be longer. We need to hear more of what Bryan actually said and believed.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 14:40 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Charles Darwin, Stephen Jay Gould, and Niles Eldredge have separated spirituality or ¿religion¿ from science or ¿evolution¿ to a greater extent than I initially suspected would occur.

Charles Darwin, Stephen Jay Gould, and Niles Eldredge have separated spirituality or ¿religion¿ from science or ¿evolution¿ to a greater extent than I initially suspected would occur.

Charles Darwin, Stephen Jay Gould, and Niles Eldredge have separated spirituality, or ¿religion,¿ from science, or ¿evolution,¿ to a greater extent than I initially suspected would occur.

Appositive phrases should be offset by a comma. As an aside, you state firmly that you are a Deist and yet evolution & a spiritual approach to nature are inconsistent. I think I know what you are getting at, but so much is left unsaid. You point out how Christian spirituality is incompatible with evolution, but how is a deistic spiritual approach incompatible?

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 15:51 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: I believe that it is obvious that the information and controlling features of the cell appear to be designed

I believe that it is obvious that the information and controlling features of the cell appear to be designed

not parrallel. Try:

I believe that it is obvious that the informational and controlling features of the cell appear to be designed

or

I believe that it is obvious that the information and control features of the cell appear to be designed

At the end, I would like an explanation of how intelligent design is based on scientific principles rather than a blanket statement that it is.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 14:32 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: I, Alfred Russel Wallace, stand before you today to not only share with you the theory of natural selection, but also prove that it is the incontestable truth of the nature of life

I, Alfred Russel Wallace, stand before you today to not only share with you the theory of natural selection, but also prove that it is the incontestable truth of the nature of life

I, Alfred Russel Wallace, stand before you today to not only share with you the theory of natural selection, but also prove that it is the incontestable truth regarding the nature of life

Two prepositional phrases like that in a row just sound kind of awkward to me. I think that the second to last main paragraph should be expanded. You assert that organic matter can not rise from inorganic matter but give no reasoning to back up this assertion. I want to know why.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 14:25 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: These qualities also may seem irreconcilable, but in reality, they are two qualities of a larger whole.

These qualities also may seem irreconcilable, but in reality, they are two qualities of a larger whole.

These qualities may also [switched order] seem irreconcilable, but in reality, they are two aspects [word choice] of a larger whole.

Word order seems more natural if it is 'may also' rather than 'also may'. I also suggest changing the second instance of qualities to something that is more metaphorically synonomous with 'whole' since you use it already.

I really liked the last paragraph. I would expanding by adding more about possible solutions rather than by pointing out even more problems.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 14:07 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Materialistic evolution and a spiritual approach to nature are incompatible.

Materialistic evolution, being (short definition), and a spiritual approach to nature are incompatible.

My only problem is that you never really defined materialistic evolution. If you are going to us an adjective to describe evolution, it would help if the reasoning behind its use explicit.

This is also my suggestion on how to lengthen the piece. Draw more contrast between evolution and intelligent design. The two are described, but I am still left wondering how exactly it is that they are incompatible.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 14:00 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: That said, there is some nature that still exists on campus.

Try this:

That said, nature is still an integral part of this campus.

To expand the project, I would add more to the end explaining what the architect would actually do.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 13:52 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Upon arriving at the campus, students are called to remember the success of the past that has led to the prosperity of the present.

Upon arriving at the campus, students are called to remember the success of the past that has led to the prosperity of the present.

Upon arriving at the campus, students are called to remember the successes (triumphs?) of the past that have led to the prosperity of the present.

I suggest changing "success of the past" to "successes of the past" because the past is not a single historical event. You might also want to consider changing successes to triumphs. Your choice.

As a general statement, you use "first, second, third, etc" several times in your paper. While this may be a very useful rhetorical technique in an oral debate, I think that nesting several layers of these lists is bad technique for a written paper. It just seems to repetitive when written out. I suggest trying to make this sound more like a written paper. If, of course, you disagree with me and want to keep it sounding like an oral debate, it sounds wonderful.

Forum: Project One Date: Sun Feb 12 2006 16:06 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: However, the notion that we must accept the answers of either theologians or scientists as the final truth because of the knowledge that exceeds our understanding of the word, according to them, is a horrifying conclusion.

However, the notion that we must accept the answers of either theologians or scientists as the final truth because of the knowledge that exceeds our understanding of the word, according to them, is a horrifying conclusion.

This sentence is just long & confusing, atleast to me. I still don't really get what you mean by "because of the knowledge that exceeds our understanding of the world." Try:

However, the notion that we must accept the answers of either theologians or scientists as the final truth because there exists knowledge that exceeds our understanding of the wor(l?)d, according to them, is a horrifying conclusion.

I'm not sure if that is a better way of saying what you originally meant because I have no clue what you originally meant. It just needs to be fixed. As a general statement a lot of your sentences are overly long. While this might lend itself to a more conversational tone, it makes for a harder paper to read.

My Responses to Other LR Midterms

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Sat Apr 01 2006 14:04 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: His optimistic attitude and light-hearted sense of humor won the adoration of anyone who has ever known him, including all of the good-looking female counselors.

His optimistic attitude and light-hearted sense of humor won the adoration of anyone who has ever known him, including all of the good-looking female counselors.

His optimistic attitude and light-hearted sense of humor won the adoration of everyone he encountered, including all of the good-looking female counselors.

Okay, I think everyone works better than anyone, but I want to still keep the "who has ever known him" and that doesn't sound too great with everyone right before it. Everyone would be a better word choice because i think it fits your meaning better. As for the fragments, I like them as they are, fragmented. I would not explain the actual fragments any more than you already have. Keep them as fragmented memories. I would, though, explain better the affect these memories have on your life and how they have directly influenced you.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 20:26 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself

My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself.

My so-called dream now in shreds, I had no idea what to do with myself.

I think 'now' just sounds better earlier in the sentence. I really liked your LR because it was entertaining. If you wanted to expand it, I'd talk about some specifics regarding your vision.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 20:18 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: College will test people to fit into a certain mold of people-the sorority girl, the business major, etc

College will test people to fit into a certain mold of people-the sorority girl, the business major, etc

While I get what you are saying, it isn't very clear in the present form. Try something like this:

While in college, we often find ourselves fit into a certain mold-the sorority girl, the business major, etc.

If the correction doesn't work for you then try something different, but it really needs to change. To expand, I'd write a little bit more about why it is that you like Austin so much.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Tue Mar 28 2006 23:53 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: They dream of joining the Peace Core or moving to some remote village in Africa to cure the natives of their parasites. I am neither of these two.

They dream of joining the Peace Core or moving to some remote village in Africa to cure the natives of their parasites. I am neither of these two.

Peace Core = Peace Corps

They dream of joining the Peace Corps or moving to some remote village in Africa to cure the natives of their parasites. I am neither of these two.

Great job, you really do 'sell' your vision. I really would like to hear more about why you want to return to Louisiana. Saying that you want to return because it is your home is a very valid reason, but it is so generic. What specifically makes it your home? I got a little bit from you, but I want more.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 00:03 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Man, that last paragraph was uber-religious. That was like religion packed into a sardine can, that you can open and a Christian lexicon pops out.

"Man, that last paragraph was uber-religious. That was like religion packed into a sardine can, that you can open and a Christian lexicon pops out."

My suggestion is to just entirely cut out these two sentences. Earlier you say that you will not apologize for Christianity being your vision. You may disagree with me and feel that these two sentences make it sound more personal, like someone giving a sermon, but to me, they sound like you are wanting to apologize. Don't plant any doubt in mind.

Otherwise, great job. I would expand on the part where you say Christianity is not just a moral code or some type of self help system. After making this statement, you imply that Christianity is more than just these labels, but you never explicitly say why it isn't "just a moral code."

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 20:11 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: And although I had no fixed idea how I was going to accomplish this great feat did not know how, I never questioned that I would do it.

And although I had no fixed idea how I was going to accomplish this great feat did not know how, I never questioned that I would do it.

I'm guessing you were changing this sentence during editing and didn't quite change all of it....

And although I had no fixed idea how I was going to accomplish this great feat, I never questioned that I would do it.

The expansion part is kind of a no-brainer. Expand on your three visions that you write one sentence about at the end :) Great start, now give me more!

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 00:15 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Jude in Jude the Obscure and Sarah in The French Lieutenant's Woman are both trapped by their social status and lack of fortune.

Jude in Jude the Obscure and Sarah in The French Lieutenant's Woman are both trapped by their social status and lack of fortune.

Can we get some type of italics or underlining on titles. It would make this sentence much easier to read. The font your web page uses is just begging for some variation.

So, you wax and wane about the importance of freedom. That's all I'm getting. What else is there? Give me something! So we are free to decide. What does this mean? How will you use it? What does this freedom mean to you? I don't care about society!! I want to know about you! Expand on that.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 08:21 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Over this year we have learned as a group and progressed as a family.

Over this year we have learned as a group and progressed as a family.

Throughout the year we learned as a group and progressed as a family.

I just didn't like the first three words 'over this year.' Another option would be to change it to 'over the course of the this year.' Awesome LR Mita! I'd really like you to expand the second to last paragraph. You make some pretty broad and sweeping statements about the world, and I think you could try to tie them together a little bit better. Hammer your thoughts into unity!

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 08:10 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: I can only dream that my work as a lawyer will be able to make me enough to do a fraction of the charity work that she does, and keep me away from the spotlight enough to have anonymity.

I can only dream that my work as a lawyer will be able to make me enough to do a fraction of the charity work that she does, and keep me away from the spotlight enough to have anonymity.

The first part of this sentence is a little awkward and unclear. Try changing it to something like this:

I can only dream that as a lawyer I will make enough to be able to do just a fraction of the charity work that she does, and keep me away from the spotlight enough to have anonymity.

Great paper. So, your experience volunteering with your schools Red Cross organization makes you want to be a philanthropist. What exactly about volunteering made this happen? A little more detail here would be nice.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 10:23 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: I want to use the knowledge I will have gained of Spanish to teach English to less fortunate children in Spanish-speaking countries.

I want to use the knowledge I will have gained of Spanish to teach English to less fortunate children in Spanish-speaking countries.

I want to use the knowledge I will gain of Spanish to teach English to less fortunate children in Spanish-speaking countries.

Keeping it in the future just made more sense to me. Not a vital change, but I think it sounds better. Pick which ever one you like better. To expand, try mentioning why you want to learn Spanish and not another language. Is there a personal connection or is because we live in Texas or is there a completely different reason? There are other languages you could use to help people, why not learn those?

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 10:06 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: There teachers must be trained to inspire confidence, responsibility and to set positive examples which may be missing in the home

There teachers must be trained to inspire confidence, responsibility and to set positive examples which may be missing in the home

Try using their instead of there as the first word. If you are sure you want to use there, try putting a comma directly after it. I stumbled over this sentence several times when I was reading it.

Good writing, I like the vision, but what exactly makes it your vision? Try connecting it more to yourself.

Forum: LR Midterm Date: Wed Mar 29 2006 21:03 Author: LOPEZ, THOMAS WARD Subject: Re: midterm

They had a distinct acrid smell, were smooth to the touch, and full of color photos that opened up avenues of possibilities in my mind.

They had a distinct acrid smell, were smooth to the touch, and full of color photos that opened up t