Midterm: My Comments

Ben-

I think there are some capitalization issues towards the beginning of your paper. In this sentence:

The department of defense alone is allotted 650 billion dollars a year

I think the "Department of Defense" should be capitalized. Likewise, in the next sentence,Department of Argiculture should be capitalized.

Also, several sentence farther down you wrote "in State of Texas the level..." then in the next sentence you wrote "the state of Texas spent an average of..."

I'm fairly certain that "state of Texas" is the correct capitalization and that they should be revised to match. I know its picky, sorry.



I feel like this a really great paper written about something other than the topic at hand. I read it as a great paper for a course about American government or current events, but I couldn't find much in it outline your vision for the future or "that which is greater than the ego."

In the revision I would add more specifics about your vision.

Thomas-

I found this sentence kind of akward:

"Without being overly sentimental, I will miss UT and everyone I have met here, at the beginning of my pilgrimage."

There were a couple of things I would do to smooth it out. First, I think you should axe the first clause. If you want to be sentimental, just do it. Don't apologize for it first.

Also, the last bit doesn't flow right in my mind, I think I want to move it to the beginning. I would revise the sentence to read something like:

"Now the first year of this pilgrimage is coming to an end, I admit I will miss this campus and everyone I have met here."

Do with that what you like.


At the end, one bit that stuck in my head was your talk of an "ethically minded businessman" I know that you don't have a firm vision for life, but maybe in the revision you could talk some more about this. I think its a very worthy goal, and somebody has to do it.

--will

Susan -

This first paragraph is beautifully written, but without any context I had difficulty figuring out what you were trying to accomplish with it. I think it might be more effective at the end when I have more of an idea of what you are trying to say with it.

Also, from a philosophical standpoint, you say in the first sentence, "A man may die, but an idea cannot be extinguished." Since it was the first sentence I thought about it a lot, and I'm sorry, but I think that "ideas" can definitely be extinguished. One example that immediately comes to mind is the idea that the earth is flat. I believe this idea has been extinguished by the ideas of modern science. Later in the paragraph you write "[ideas] can both create and destroy." This is definitely valid, and I believe one thing that ideas can destroy is other ideas.


"I want to dedicate my energy, my talent, my life to the preservation of life, to liberate life from the oppression of fear from hunger and disease."

This sentence is good, because it clearly articulates your vision. However, I think it runs on a bit. Perhaps you could split it up or remove some of it. I'll revise it as so:

"I want to dedicate my energy and talent to the preservation of life. Specifically, I want to liberate life from fear, hunger and disease."

This was a good paper and, after the first paragraph, it was clear and concrete in outlining your plan. Good goal also.

--will

Noel:

I think there are some verb tense issues in the first paragraph, specifically this sentence:

" It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different? "

I think the use of the past tense might not be neccesary. Perhaps you could revise this to read something like:

"Its hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that first sparked all my ambitions, but I worry that I too am solely by a desire for attention."

I kinda liked how you threw in the part about being an acting machine but I couldnt really find a way to work it in without sacrificing flow.

Later on, "My so-called dream in shreds, I now had no idea what to do with myself."

I would revise to read "With my so-called dream in ..."

In terms of the revision, I think you should definitely add more specifics about your vision. You spend a lot of time talking about events in the past, but I didn't hear as much about the future. Perhaps you can work in hammering that past into a unified future.

--will

This is awesome. I couldn't really find anything wrong except I would remove "me" in this sentence:

"I¿m not seeking the prestige of a degree in medicine from Harvard or Yale to justify me doing something that bores people to hear about at cocktail parties"

revised to:

"... Harvard or Yale to justify doing something that ..."

You're vision is realistic and clearly articulated. In the revision perhaps you could add more to the end about the bond you feel to your home.

--will

"In my particular situation, I feel that the best way to pass on the gift I have been given is to reach out to people who may not have the same opportunities to learn that I have had."

I know Rachel commented on this sentence but I have a different idea. In this section, "people who may not have had..." I think that these people clear have not had the same opportunities and you might as well be direct in saying that. So I think you should remove the "may"

I would revise it to something kind of like:

"In my particular situation, I feel that the best way to pass on the gift I've been given is to reach out to people who have not had the same learning opportunities as I have had"

This is still kind of wordy though. You might want to revise my revision.

I like and share your goal of traveling.

-will