“It was then that I formed this vision for my future” Just add a period, and the sentence is great!
I love the ending when you tell the reader that they”re simply free to be. Maybe you could incorporate this concept more when you talk about sympathetic imagination a few paragraphs earlier. Great job- it”s really well written and incredibly clear that you”ve found what you love to do!
A sentence
to correct:
"During the two semesters since, I”ve been mulling my realizations and
trying to resolve the conflict between the financial realities of life, my love
of climbing, and the egoism inherent in the sport."
I'm not sure you can "mull" your realizations, though you can
"mull over" them. You might also want to be more specific than
"the financial realities of life." Try:
"During the two semesters since then, I”ve been mulling over my
realizations and trying to resolve the conflict between my financial
limitations, my love of climbing, and the egoism inherent in the sport."
I found your essay effective in that it was straightforward, honest, and had
cool pictures.
Some editing advice:
The voice in the latter part of the paper, once you put forth the idea of being
a climbing guide, is a bit confusing. You begin to use the present tense for
something that hasn't happened yet, which sounds a bit squirrelly. Think about
changing to the conditional or the future verb tense. (i.e. "As a guide, I
would/could/will help them achieve their goals.")
You might talk a bit about the climbing community - what it”s like to be able
to share that passion with people, how that affects you/them/the world. Of all
the sports I've engaged in, I've always been particularly attracted to the
people that I've encountered while climbing (outdoors, that is. gym climbing,
in my experience, has a different vibe).
The second part of your plan doesn't seem as developed as the first. As a
reader, I'm not convinced that you feel conviction about it when you use words
like "hopefully" ("My education in Plan II stresses my
development as a writer and will hopefully leave me with the necessary skills
to successfully convey how it feels to climb.") Also, your argument for
writing about climbing so that your audience can "experience the feeling
of climbing without ever leaving the couch" doesn't jive with the rest of
your paper. Up until that point you've presented yourself as the type of person
that believes in taking the bull by the horns and "getting out
there," and I'm not convinced you want to help people feel good as they
sit on their couches. It seems more plausible that you might inspire them to
try climbing out for themselves, as you were inspired by "Into Thin
Air." However, if you really feel that way about the couch thing, develop
the idea so that you can convince me.
Also, you should probably give some small synopsis (a line or two) of what
"into thin air" is about/why that inspired you. Many of your readers
may not be familiar with it.
Your has a very strong voice in the final paragraph, and ends well in my
opinion. Buena suerte with revisions, and thanks for sharing THE VISION”
?
Rachel
"Instead,
my focus is teaching a client what I know and helping them to reach their own
goals."
Since you used the singular form of client, it's awkward to then use the plural
pronoun "them" and its possessive form, "their." Either
change client to clients or them and their to him and his respectively.
Your vision is very well thought out. Other comments about your writing: you
use compound sentences a lot, especially in the form of "..., and..."
There's nothing really wrong with that, but I just noticed that. To expand your
paper, you could maybe expand on Into Thin Air and strengthen the part about
coming back to school. I felt like that part was crammed in as opposed to the
well-written beginning.
"I very worked hard in my classes and did well"- After glancing at this, you've probably spotted the correction I'm going to make already. You've inverted very and worked unless you were going for "Verily, I worked hard..." But since this is 2006, probably not. Even changing it to: "I worked very hard in my classes and did well" doesn't seem to jive well for me now though. I like your direct tone but I've had it hammered into me recently that prose is a lot cleaner and relatable without qualifiers like "very" or "clearly" etc. I could presume to re-write the whole sentence into "I worked hard in class and my grades reflected the effort" but that would just be my voice intruding and I like the one you've adopted. So, minimalist suggestion: "I worked hard in my classes and did well"
You worked in quotes well and I like the pictures of the rocks (what happened to the sombrero?). Are there any ones of you road-tested and travel worn? I think that would be interesting.
Susan
I found this to be a worthy nugget
of wisdom and I”ve tried to internalize it.
I think the phrase, "worthy nugget" is a little distracting. Maybe
instead you could say it was profound insight, or if not profound, then genuine
and well articulated...
You mention the freedom you feel in nature, and I think that if you wanted to
expand, maybe you could talk about how climbing for you is a spiritual and
transendental experience.
You could also maybe incorperate a quote from the witness, about how climbing
sets you free, and gives you a way to see yourself outside of yourself... I
don't know, maybe this is too literal, and would come across as cheesey, but I
kept thinking of the seeing yourself from above as I read this.
Great job, you kept it really personal, and I think the JOhn Stewart quote is
really fitting, because he mentions the path. Thanks!
I cannot argue with the crusty climber in Utah who told me that, “traveling
and living out of your van pay doesn”t pay very well.”
I cannot argue with the crusty climber in Utah who told me that, “traveling and
living out of your van doesn”t pay very well.”
I couldn't determine if you mistyped it or the guy didn't speak very well. If
it is correct add [sic] in there. Great LR, it really embodies your ideas well.
I often have trouble establishing my voice, but this is something you
undeniably do very well. Try expanding some on the future. You mention being a
climbing guide. Any particular location?
Will,
I had friends and hobbies, but my age and scholastic obligations limited my lifestyle. I accepted the importance of these obligations and decided to embrace them fully.
These sentences are not wrong, but you use the word obligation in them both right next to each other. You can subsitutute the second for another word? -- limitations? constraints?
Overall I loved it. The passion that you feel for climbing shines through your writing. I think to expand upon it you can go into greater detail on how you personally connect to writing. It seems like you connect to climbing and through climbing to writing....maybe bridge the gap with more about yourself. Overall Amazing! :) -- Mita
hey will- i really enjoyed reading
your midterm, its awesome that u already know what u want and need to be happy
at this stage in your life. i found this sentence:
Even though I can”t learn to guide in my classes at the university, my time
here is not wasted.
i think it would read better if u make it: Even though I can't learn to be a
guide...
its up to u. also, it would be really interesting if u added pictures of u
climbing. overall i really enjoyed it, awesome job.
Hello Will,
“Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.”
Since I”m not quite sure about rock-climbing terminology, my interpretation of this sentence may be off. I feel that sentence reads as if you were fully engaged in the “rock, worries, stress, and other static” initially. It isn”t until later in the sentence do I realize that there was a distinction from the rock and the following list. Maybe this will work?
When I am immersed in rock climbing the worries, stress, and other static that usually cloud my head are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.
I hope that is somewhat helpful. Though you did explain about the sort of effects rock climbing has on you, I would love for you to be more descriptive about the actual experience. It”s such a different environment, and a written sense of place would help connect the paper more to a deeper sense of your emotions.
Noël
Hey Will,
I just want you to know that I make a ton of nit-picky suggestions, some
substantive. It's just what I do as I read these papers.
-----------
Shortly thereafter I graduated to climbing my dad”s bookshelves, and then I set
my sights on increasingly taller trees in the neighborhood.
Drop the second "I". (see what i mean by "nit-picky"))
-----------
On my first day of kindergarten, I pulled myself up the rope in P.E. class all
the way to the ceiling of the gym. My classmates and teacher were boggled.
after "gym" add a comma and "boggling my classmates and
teacher." Its more active.
----------
For me, climbing is much more than just a hobby; it is an all encompassing
passion. It motivates me like nothing else ever has.
all-encompassing
also, you should write "...passion that motivates me like..." because
that second sentence should be as closely related to "passion" as
possible. I think it makes the point stronger and more clearly.
----------
Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud my
head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.
This sentence needs to be restructured to avoid confusion and make it more
active. The first clause "Fully engaged in the rock" modifies
"I" (although t is not in the sentence), but seems to modify
"rock". A quick fix can drastically improve the sentence:
Fully engaged in the rock, I replace the worries, stress, and other static
clouding my head with a sense of clarity and happiness.
however, this implies a more active process of replacing the static. I think
you are going for the sense that the engagement in the rock causes this to
happen. So, maybe this is better:
My full engagement in the rock replaces the worries, stress, and other static
clouding my head with a sense of clarity and happiness.
-----------
This feeling of exhilaration and mental clarity, coupled with my love of the
outdoors, is the driving force behind my passion for rock climbing.
Instead of "is the driving force behind" just write
"drives". It rocks harder.
-------------
The second paragraph is good. Very zen. However, although I know the impression
you are going for, I don't feel your sense of passion in the writing. Try
adding more imagery and emotions and give this a really transcendental feel. I
know you can do it! Here's an example of what you could do:
Instead of:
Just for a little while, my mind focuses solely on the rock, and I feel no
stress about my exams.
Change "and i feel no stress about my exams" to something more airy
and/or magical. For example:
"on the rock, intrusive thoughts about exams evaporate from my mind, my
stress following closely behind."
Do something that suits you.
-------------
My plan was to defer college admission for a year, and, along with my best
friend, spend the time driving through North America climbing and taking in the
land.
"taking in the land" is a flat expression. You should give it some
LIFE.
-------------
I could not find another willing partner, and, with my plans crushed, I
resigned to attend UT Austin in the fall.
"resigned" doesn't really work. I tried for a minute to think of the
right word, but I will defer that duty to you. Just know that "resigned to
attend" is not the right word usage.
-------------
I worried that I would feel guilt or regret after dedicating myself to such an
egotistical pursuit.
It might not be "egotistical" as much as "isolationist".
------------
That was good, Will. I especially liked the last quote you chose.
"Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease
to cloud my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness."
This is a misplaced modifier -- you don't mean to say that "worries,
stress, and other static" are "fully engaged in the rock."
When you talk about leaving for your pilgrimage, it's not clear to me whether
you went alone (really?) or with others. Clarify?
“Traveling and living out of your van pay doesn”t pay very well.” Typo? I think
the verb should be plural. Maybe you meant "Traveling and living out of
your van don't pay very well.”
Will, I'm curious about why you chose this dream and not others. If you were
wealthy, would you rock climb by yourself, even though it is
"selfish"? Why is it egotistical?
".For me, climbing is much more than just a hobby; it is an all encompassing passion."
There is a period at the beginning of this sentence.
Um...good job!