“Whether I shall
turn out to be the hero of my own life,
or whether that
station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”
-David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens
From
birth we are pulled by various strings of influence into an intricate dance of
a predestined life, a choreography of conformity and dissatisfaction. The
opinions of others are forced upon us in a philanthropic attempt to preserve
the supposed virtue and progress of a society characterized by competition and
fear. To achieve true fulfillment, we must sever these cords and begin to live
according to our own will. In the words of William Blake, “I must create a
system, or be enslaved by another man’s. I will not reason or compare, my
business is to create.”[1] We
cannot claim to be true to our self if we blindly follow the doctrine of
another. Rather than shaping our lives around a singular ideology, it is
imperative we allow the vast multitude of experiences and philosophies of the
entire human experience to shape, but not constrain, our own unique perspective
on life, to act as a guide for both our normal routine and the perils we will
inevitably face. It is our choice, not our parents’ or our peers’, what value
we place on the different fractions of this continuous influx of
information—and through this freedom of choice we begin to establish who we
truly are. We cannot forget that we are one with everything, yet in our ability
to think for ourselves we may add a singular facet to the wonder that is existence.
By maintaining a habit of constant questioning, exploration, and appreciation,
I hope to live my life in pursuit of unified individualism, thriving on the
pure, natural love that is at once shared and personalized in all sentient
beings.
For
years we have realized that nearly all aspects of our behavior can be
deconstructed into central, guiding emotions: love and fear. A constant battle
of opposing forces, each pushing for expression, motivates the majority of our
actions throughout our lives. Through dispelling the illusion of fear and
embracing pure, divine love, we may achieve a more complete and meaningful
existence. This task poses a significant challenge to our character, for we
have been taught repeatedly that success is the ultimate goal. An incredible
fear of failure has driven us to thrive on competition, to continually
seek better, more impressive lives than
our peers, our ancestors, even our progeny. We 
desire with all our
heart the best relationships, most attractive appearance, the wittiest humor,
the most enormous wealth, the most virtuous character—while we ignore our true
personality and parade a falsified sense of achievement to pride ourselves on.
While I aspire to greatness, I am ultimately doomed to failure. As a society, we
are not as superior as we believe ourselves to be, and this complex has
disconnected us from the original spiritual unity intended by God and Nature.
We have fallen from 
and the return
journey poses an undertaking few are willing to accept under the false pretence
of their chosen lifestyles. I feign comfort in my familiar surroundings, and
any drastic change in the status quo throws me into a frenzy of fear, for I
know, deep down, that this life is a false one. The financial stability of a
comfortable to moderately extravagant lifestyle has been put on a pedestal
since my childhood; pressures to succeed are associated with general well-being
for both myself and my loved ones—as I am often reminded that one day I may be
their sole provider. I fear material failure, as I have been taught to equate
it with abandonment of those I love most. I failed to realize that by simply
“being” with these people is the greatest gift I can bestow. In my efforts to
please my own material thirst and that of my family and friends, I fail to live
in the moment, to embrace the eternal love that we share. Eventually, we all
become disillusioned with the race for material success, and whether
consciously or subconsciously, we long for nothing more than to relax into our
natural place in the world.
No matter the environment, all
creatures strive for approval within their community. This can be observed in
the struggles of a preadolescent trying to immerse herself in a social group or
a wolf fighting for acceptance in a pack. To fit in with our peers, we often
mask our true identity and take on the mannerisms of the group so as not to
seem like an outsider. In doing so, we lose our sense of self, and both failure
to integrate into the circle and successful assimilation will result in
frustration. One would think that this sacrifice of personality would belittle
a person, force their ego into submission and halt the growing feeling of
superiority so pervasive in our society. Instead, by joining into this mass
culture, “Ego is not annihilated in them; rather, it is enlarged; instead of
thinking only of himself, the individual becomes dedicated to the whole of his
society.”[2]
After being denied expression of a true self, this new sense of community is
lifted up to a point of worship, and all things outside this sphere of
homogeneity are looked upon with disdain. This not only detracts from the
self-knowledge required for true joy in each member of such a community, it
results in ongoing suffering for all whom are excluded. Nobody wins in such a
situation. Likewise, the negativity associated with fear, either of loss of
membership or harassment, is strengthened as individuality is suppressed.
Instead
of clearing his whole heart the zealot tries to clear the world. The laws of
the City
of
God are applied only to his in-group (tribe, church, nation, class, or what
not) while the
fire
of a perpetual holy war is hurled (with good conscience, and indeed a sense of
pious
service)
against whatever uncircumcised, barbarian, heathen, “native” or alien people
happens
to occupy the position of neighbor.[3]
The enthused fail to realize that these
“barbarians” exceed their own intellect as they have failed to succumb to the
pressure of any one mode of thought. They live their own lives, not the lives
of others. I plan to rid myself of such dangers by abstaining from mindlessly
following any single faction. I find that as time progresses, the opportunity
to join such groups becomes increasingly available, as well as increasingly
emphasized as a means toward contentment, stability, and success. Academic
paths, honor societies, sororities, corporations, churches, even family units
all advertise themselves as necessities for a meaningful life. The more
involved one becomes in each, the greater benefit one supposedly receives from
the collective. However, by focusing all of my energy into one group with a
singular perspective, I limit my ability to accept new ideas and formulate
original thoughts. I wish to be involved in these organizations, but not to
become submerged in their specific outlooks. My ultimate goal is to consider
each new idea in relation to myself and my place in the world, to continue in a
spirit of questioning regardless of whether the idea is a personal epiphany or the
borrowed ideology of a group. In doing so, I will achieve a consistently
improving, fulfilling way of life to satisfy my desire for both individualism
and unity.
By dispelling my fear of failure,
isolation, and inevitable death, I am free to embrace pure love. As humans, we
were created innocent, pure, and ignorant. It was the curiosity and desire for
truth that led to our downfall, a degeneration that continues into the modern
day. I have faith in the Christian tradition that I am a born sinner, doomed to
fall prey to the endless temptations of the world. However, through recognition
and attempt at transcendence of this mortal flaw I can reach a state of
glorious unity, a spiritual fulfillment that cannot be 
matched by any
worldly means, for “Behold, they are all vanity; their works are nothing: their
molten images are wind and confusion.”[4] In
accepting our shortcomings we can simultaneously dismiss our illusion of
superiority, allowing us to return to our core existence as equal, unified
beings with all of the natural world both past and present. Upon this epiphany
we can understand the plight of all humans and all creatures, and in
acknowledging this universal suffering we may empathize with it, for we too are
participants. Empathy leads to compassion—service in love. This glorious life
force of love is the only lasting presence, one that neither ends with death
nor begins with new life. By embracing rather than fearing our flaws we allow
love to flow into our lives, and with it true fulfillment. “The surrender we
were frightened of turns out to be not defeat but a kind of victory.”[5] I
want to surrender these fears, sacrifice them on the altar of universal
suffering, of inescapable worldly demise. Considering my life as it stands, any
major change—be it expulsion from my chosen collegiate path or loss of the
support I receive from friends and family, would completely devastate me. I
feel attachments to these worldly milestones because I identify myself with
them, I allow them to define aspects of my character. By shedding my fear of
change or failure, I can surrender my false identities, remove my mask, and
find my true persona. All things 
of the moment are
fleeting, but love is eternal. In forgetting these worries, these selfish fears
and affirmations, I will allow love to guide me.
Our
vision has been distorted, our glances turned away from the truth of our
perfect unity. We have been beaten down through years of suffering under the
weight of our own pride and materialism into scared, timid creatures. We see
things for their immediate value to us, not for their true nature. As Blake states, “This life’s dim windows of
the soul/Distorts the heavens pole to pole/And leads you to believe a lie/When
you see with, not through, the eye.”[6] As
love grows in the absence of fear I may develop a 
deeper
understanding of this problem, opening my eyes to the beauty that is existence.
My life is forever altered; each day becomes a joy as I look at the world with
child-like wonder. I am enabled to “inhale happiness with the air [we]
breathe.”[7]
Each new experience takes on a variety of different meanings, each teaching me
something unique. “Practical” education is left in the classroom as I begin to
understand the absolute truth of love and eternity. Consequently, imagination
is exalted as the spirit is lifted over the realms of reason, “for from this
position, creative and constructive mental processes do not result from an
accumulation of information, but from the maintaining a continued plasticity of
response of the whole organism to new information and in general to the outer
world.”[8]
Taking time to appreciate nature’s profundity allows me to feel connected with
the world, making it to tap into the collective unconscious of the ghosts that
both precede and follow me. Whether this appreciation takes place in the
lushness of Waller Creek or in the walk to class under the arbors of ancient
oaks and flitting sparrows, I feel regenerated. A new spontaneous creativity
and wider spectrum of understanding allows me to view a new, enlightened
perspective I was once blind to. In such a state of grace I make a return to
the divine innocence from which I have fallen.
As
I continue to learn from my experiences, my ideology grows and morphs into
something I can truly call my own. I will surely dismiss opinions that I once
staunchly upheld, but the universal truths of love and unity will remain
consistent. My mortal life will one day abruptly end, but with it I trust that
the memory of my existence will not be erased. I will live through periods of
cyclical success and failure, I will become despondent and overjoyed, but
throughout these experiences I hope to gain a greater capacity for love. By
allowing myself to fully embrace my own suffering and the universal suffering
of all things, I will become more compassionate, and the love that naturally
flows through my being will spread through the population like wildfire. I will
know the “Boundless Love, [that] includes, regards, and
dwells within (without exception) every sentient beings,”[9] and my freedom will be “a joyous daybreak to end the
long night of captivity.”[10] I
understand that the complete clarity of spirit I described would be difficult,
if not impossible, to ever completely attain, but as long as I persevere in my
quest for truth, my fulfillment and joy will continue to grow. “No human
capacity ever yet saw the whole of a thing; but we may see more and more of it
the longer we look. . .”[11]
Word count (without quotes): 1,404