Amanda’s
Edits of Other Papers
1. Ashley-
You
included such detail about the landscape architecture! I really liked the idea of the outdoor
classrooms. And I’m glad you brought in
outside information about Fallingwater; it provided a
very tangible example of how to link nature and modern architecture, which is
hard to picture.
Sentence:
“…
but as an effect upon leaving our university he or she will gain a sense of
purpose and passion to implement in society.”
I’m
not sure it’s sending quite the right message.
It sounds like gaining a sense of purpose and passion will be a direct
result of LEAVING the university, rather than because someone spent four years
there. So maybe change it to something
like, “…but the time spent at this university will engender a sense of purpose
and passion to be implemented in society.”
2.
Megan (S.)
I liked how you devoted a section to
making our campus "greener," I hadn't thought about that. It's
an interesting aspect of a Master Plan, and probably one that should really be
included as a campus moves into the future. I also must say that I agree
with you about the Spanish style fitting with the historical and traditional
aspects of UT. Perhaps it's because I'm conservative myself, but anything
dramatic like modern and post-modern just doesn't give me the vibe of
"collegiate," and it was nice to see that someone else thought so
too!
One sentence in particular I picked out
was this one:
"Though
the outside appearance of our buildings matters a great deal, how we interact with
them in the present is arguably one of the most important aspects of
architecture."
It
has no grammatical errors, but when reading it I thought that it sounded
somewhat weak to say "arguably" and "one of the most
important." I understand reluctance to just saying it's "the" most important aspect. But,
perhaps either changing it to "unarguably one of the most important"
or to "arguably the most important" would give it a stronger tone
without seeming narrow-minded.
There
were a few grammatical errors in other places, but nothing you couldn't catch
yourself just reading it over.
Also,
I couldn't see your pictures when I opened your link from second life.
Maybe some other people could, but you might want to double check those.
3. Megan (G)
I
completely agree with you on creating diverse buildings that still have some
key characteristics that unify them as a whole campus. I liked that you gave so many examples of the
varied buildings on our campus already, however it seemed like that section was
split into two places: your fourth and fifth paragraph,
and then skip the next two and your last paragraph reiterates it again. Perhaps combine the two together?
I
also enjoyed your idea of the “flower” layout from the tower. I actually wanted to hear more about, so
maybe you could expand on that idea a bit.
Perhaps even include a diagram from Paint or Photoshop or something.
I
got a bit confused in this sentence in your introduction:
“This
connection would amplify the effect a place could have on a person, and thus
the university could use this connection to its advantage.”
Since
you already mention how the genius loci affects a
person in a special way, I don’t think it needs to be reiterated that the
connection would “amplify” the effect a place could have. I do agree that the university should take
advantage of the effects of a genius loci to better
educate their students, so a possible re-write would be this:
“A
university can and should use this special connection as a tool to enhance the
education its students receive inside the building walls.”
4. Mauro-
Your
idea of three different architectural styles is certainly unique. Although I never thought I would like that,
your arguments were very strong. I must
say, though, that the Fine Arts section seemed a bit disjointed. Why the two different styles for just fine
arts when all the natural sciences, business, etc. are all being lumped into
one style? Perhaps if you elaborated
more on how the Spanish and Classical styles can be integrated together it
would sound as convincing as the rest.
I
would also like to see how your master plan would incorporate other issues
besides architectural styles such as landscaping, layout of buildings,
etc. (It’s also an easy way to add
length, even though right now you don’t really need it)
I
enjoyed how you incorporated so much literary history and context into your paper, however one sentence felt like a very bumpy
transition:
“But
namely, the Victorian Era, which spanned from approximately 1840 to 1901, was
the time period in which many literary greats, such as Dickens, Wilde, Brontë, Carroll, and many more, promulgated their presence
in the world by writing their novels.”
It
just seemed so sudden a shift to literature, and not until the next sentence or
two does the reader really understand why a master plan is referencing classic
authors. Maybe a bit of re-wording would
ease the transition, or even combining it with the next sentence. A possible example:
“The
Victorian Era, which spanned from approximately 1840 to 1901, is known not only
for this famous architectural style, but also for many literary greats such as
Dickens, Wilde, Bronte, Carroll, and more; Gothic architecture became closely
associated and integrated into their works at this time.”
(The
one thing I regret about messing with that sentence is losing your excellent
use of the word “promulgated”)
5. Emily-
You bring a very interesting
design option to the table with this paper. It seems well thoughts out
(arguments and rebuttals to counterarguments!), and I like that you included
sections about landscaping and building materials to make the plan well-rounded
and very all-inclusive.
I have to agree with Mauro
about the length of time spent purely on Gehry's
background. Mainly in paragraphs four and five it started to feel more
like a paper about the architect than the architecture on the UT campus.
Whatever details you decide to keep about Gehry, I
would just suggest that you make sure they are really relevant to the master
plan (although now I might have to research Gehry
myself, because you got me interested!)
Sentence: "The
architecture itself, aside from function, can also possess a natural
element."
I understood that you meant
architecture could have a function related to nature as well as resemble nature
itself, but it took a little while. I think if you reworded things a bit
the point could be made clearer. So something like:
"The architecture itself
can not only co-exist with nature, but replicate it, as well."
6. Garrison-
I enjoyed the historical and
traditional feel of your paper; I think it's a good angle to work from. I
was also glad to see that you talked not just about the architecture, but also
about the "open spaces" and the landscaping design, too. That
definitely made for a more all-inclusive master plan.
One thing I would suggest is
to make sure you include a short re-cap of the importance of the open spaces
and landscaping design in your conclusion paragraph. Also, I sometimes
felt when I was reading through your paper that the transitions between
paragraphs (specifically, between paragraphs where the subject changes from
architecture to nature and nature to landscape design) was a bit sudden and
rough; so maybe try to do a little smoothing over there.
I would make a small change to
the first sentence of your fourth paragraph:
"The beauty of the
Spanish Renaissance style on the
The first part of the sentence
makes it sound like you're glad construction hasn't torn down the Spanish
Renaissance style buildings (that kind of 'lost'), but in the second
half we see that you're talking about people's opinion about Spanish Renaissance.
So I would just add in two words at the beginning of the sentence to make the
subject a bit clearer:
"Appreciation for the
beauty of Spanish Renaissance style on the
7. Pallavi-
A few things that slowed down
my reading:
1. It felt like you oscillated
back and forth talking about architectural style and the layout of the
buildings/spaces. I would suggest grouping the architecture paragraphs
together and then the layout paragraphs together so it flows better.
2. Questions can be a very
interesting rhetorical device, but they're very difficult to pull off. In
your second and third paragraphs, the questions ended up seeming pointless
because you followed them with sentences that said that one option was
"necessary", so there wasn't, really, a question anyway. I'll
leave it to your judgement to decide how or if you
want to re-structure that.
3. There were a few sentences
throughout the paper that used a whole bunch of commas. I have nothing
against commas, but occasionally I thought that dashes would have helped the
sentence's structure more.
4. A couple times you use the
phrase "harbor to" and it never seemed to fit quite right.
Perhaps "cater to" would get closer to your meaning. I read in
another post that someone mentioned this, but I wanted to apply it to the other
places where you used this phrase, not just the one sentence.
5. I was confused as to what you
meant by "natural scene of the city" when you talk about Waller
Creek. Did you mean the natural scenery in the city? The way you
have it phrased now sounds like the city itself is natural. Either way,
it would be helpful if that were clarified for the reader.
Ok, one sentence that really
slowed me down was this one from your fourth paragraph:
"The buildings come together not only to form a place but also create the
mood and atmosphere of the place that essentially determine the
"success" of the place."
A few verbs were conjugated
wrong, and I think part of that had to do with how strung out the sentence
felt. I think consolidating it a bit would help. So, for instance:
"More than just dots on a
map, well-designed buildings create a mood and atmosphere that coincides with
the desired purpose of the structures."
I think you have some good
ideas to work with, overall. And I liked your references to Stanford and
Harvard; the two universities well represent the two architectural styles you
are mainly trying to bring together in UT's master plan (Spanish Renaissance
and Gothic).
8. Liz-
I love your confident and
crisp tone. Your paper was very easy to read, and I felt like your
subject was very well thought out. A few things I noticed:
1. Your thesis seemd to be "When my campus plan is accepted, the
2. You mention the rooftop
patio in the introduction paragraph, and I felt like that slightly interrupted
the main stream of thought. Since you go into this subject later in the
paper, does it need to be included in the first paragraph?
3. Some of your paragraphs
didn't seem to have much of a transition. It would help the paper flow
even more smoothly if you could include just a line or so when moving between
subjects.
Your sentence:
"It is characterized by a
rectangle whose long side is 1.618 times the length of the shorter side, which
is thought to be aesthetically pleasing."
The way this sentence is
phrased makes it sound like the "shorter side" is thought to be
aesthetically pleasing, when I think you mean that the ratio between the sides
is thought to be aesthetically pleasing. So, just a small change:
"It is characterized by a
rectangle whose long side is 1.618 times the length of the shorter side; this
ratio is thought to be aesthetically pleasing."
Overall, I really enjoyed
reading your paper. Thanks for all the effort you put into it!
9. Mary-
I had a very hard time finding
anything to edit in your paper! You have a very strong
overall theme- mixing classical architecture with innovative interior design -
and you do a very nice job of sticking with that theme throughout your paper;
there's not a bunch of deviation, or extra stuff.
One of the only things I could
think of to suggest is to consolidate or change up the second to last paragraph
that starts "One attractive aspect of the current UT's
campus..." The sentences in that paragraph felt a little redundant
to me.
The one sentence I found that
I would want to change was in the third to last paragraph:
"The most important part
of the classroom should be the people within it."
I actually find nothing wrong
with the sentence itself, but it felt like a bit of a sudden change from your
previous sentence, which talks about the classroom design. Just adding a
simple transition at the beginning would link the two together quite
smoothly. Just one example would be:
"As valuable as the
structure of the classroom can be for learning, the most important part of the
classroom should be the people within it."
All in all, though, I really
enjoyed your paper, and I think it's very well written!
10.
Alex-
I thought your paper was well
structured and concise, and I enjoyed how you drew Spanish and Modern styles
together!
A few things I noticed:
1. You kind of touched on a
very important subject in the beginning few paragraphs on your paper, but never
really hammered it home. The subject was that you loved UT for what it
represented and meant, but that the campus design didn't adhere to that
representation and meaning. If you could focus on this a bit more, I
believe it would make your paper even stronger from the very outset.
2. There are a few scattered
words throughout that were obviously meant to be something else, but spell
check didn't catch them because they were still dictionary words. Just
read through your paper slowly to catch those.
3. You mentioned at one point
that Jester dormitory was pointless in design, yet in the next sentence you
talk about how modern styles are much better suited to housing
structures. This confused me, since Jester is modern.
4. This is probably looking
way too in to things, but in one sentence you talk about a campus as being like
an academical village, and then in the next sentence
you change it to a neighborhood. I know it's stupid, but it bothered me a
bit, so I thought I'd throw that out there.
Ok, as for a sentence, here's
one that felt out of place in its present form:
"For example, current
specimens that illustrate this style are Sutton Hall and Battle Hall, as well
as the
I know (or at least think I
know) that you are saying that these buildings have similar styles, but are al
l still very unique; the wording just seemed a little vague and
questionable. So one option of revision would be this:
"Although containing many
or all of the Spanish style characteristics, buildings such as Sutton Hall,
Battle Hall, and the