Focus
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Organization
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Flow
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This is always good generic advice, but I wasn't sure where to really begin looking to edit these things since no specifics were mentioned.
I was worried about putting the thesis so late, but I also really did like the introduction. I'm glad it works alright.
I'm glad I did a good job of editing out the irrelevant stuff
I really wanted to be able to keep the introduction paragraph where it was while still having my thesis be clear, despite that it is all the way in the second paragraph. I tried to make the thesis more clear and the lead-in better, but I guess it could still use some tweaking and possibly condensing, as you suggested.
I did like your idea of adding in more 'sophisticated' quotes while still keeping my Switchfoot ones, and I wish I had taken more time to search out some better ones from our reading. I did add one in the conclusion, however I got a little lazy and didn''''t do more since no one else mentioned it as a problem. I do appreciate you pushing my paper to be even better and more intellectual, though.
I definitely tried to put in transitions between paragraphs, so it would have been even more helpful if this reviewer had pointed out some specific places in my paper where I still needed to improve this.
Yay! Thanks for the outline of what my paper looks like to the reader - it helped me double check with my intended outline and progression for the paper.
Glad to hear. I was a little worried about it not being structured enough, especially with my introduction being so long and the thesis not appearing until the second paragraph, but I liked the order it kind of happened to fall into.
Honestly, I do not think my paper is overly unstructured. My introduction poses a question, my thesis in the second paragrpah gives an answer, and then I spend the body paragraphs explaining this answer and it''''s application in my life. I know the organization wasn''''t completely conventional, but in the future I will try and make it a bit clearer.
I tried to develop the idea of 'enough' a bit more in this draft, but I found that it was more difficult to explain than I thought! I guess it still needs some tweaking, and the suggestion of using more abstract analogies helps.
Honestly I'm not a big fan of incredibly formal tone, but I understand your point of a certain amount of formality, especially in a final paper like this one. Any specific examples you could have given from my paper of phrases that seemed a bit too informal would have been even more helpful in getting me started on this shift in tone.
Thanks for the specific suggestion, that makes it easier to fix.
I appreciate the specific suggestions, but I wasn''''t always sure why you thought the changes needed to be made. Was it just awkward wording? Grammatical errors? Explaining the reasons behind the changes would help me to look for similar errors in other sentences, too. But all of your suggestions did sound good to me.
Every little bit helps -- thanks for the specific tips! (double hyphen, right? =)